How on EARTH to tell my loving partner I see him as nothing more than a friend??

[SecretlySad]

Hey guys

 

My partner and I have been together for 14 years. We started dating when I was 21 and he was 38. Now I’m 36 and he’s 53.

 

We started off as friends then one night “one thing led to another” and the rest is history.

 

I came from an abusive home. My parents are both alcoholics who more or less told me I was unworthy of love and would never amount to anything. Due to this, my choices in men weren’t exactly fantastic. Then this lovely older man came along who wasn’t just after me for sex, but who actually wanted to care for and love me (not financially; I never relied on him for money) and I latched on like crazy.

 

I’ve always enjoyed being with him but throughout our entire relationship something has always felt… off. We can laugh and joke and spend time together and I still love it to this day, but any time he tries to hold my hand, put his arm around me or do anything “boyfriendy”, I feel uneasy.

 

I’ve been given the typical advice over the years – “Why don’t you try reigniting the spark? Everyone becomes just like friends when they’ve been together a long time” etc, but what if there never was a spark? What if we were always nothing more than friends?

 

I’ve made excuses to myself over the years – we want different things, the age gap etc but I’ve finally come to the simple realisation that I don’t see him as anything more than a good friend. And I don’t know what the hell to do about that. Has anyone ever been down this path??????? I don’t know how to do this but I know I have to. We both deserve it.

[reinventmyself]

You posed the same question a few days ago.

Has anything changed?

How do you tell him? You just do. It's the kindest thing to do.

Personally, if my partner saw me as nothing more than a friend, it would hurt but I would want to know.

[Jeffbobo]

There are many people who meet when they’re young, fall head over heels in love and are supposed soulmates but yet 25 years down the road it falls apart and ends in divorce. Perhaps in your circumstance, he was and/or is in love with you but you never have been truly with him. My point is, at least the aforementioned people *have* had that experience where that feeling has been reciprocated. The decent thing to do would be to end it so that he may potentially find that at some point.

[SecretlySad]

You posed the same question a few days ago.

Has anything changed?

How do you tell him? You just do. It's the kindest thing to do.

Personally, if my partner saw me as nothing more than a friend, it would hurt but I would want to know.

 

I know, I’m a total mess. I open my mouth to say it but don’t know how. I honestly feel like throwing up at the thought of how devastated he'll be.

[SherrySher]

You don't need to admit how you've felt all these years but you do need to set yourself free. Right now you are living a life for HIS happiness and not your own. You can't live your life for someone else.

You have been a prisoner.

You deserve your freedom back and your happiness back. You deserve to find a man you are actually in love with.

You don't owe this man anything as far as I am concerned, he took advantage of a young girl in a bad situation. He knew what he was doing. You were vulnerable and he knew it.

You have given him enough...now it the time to get back your freedom.

You need to find the strength within yourself to tell him it's over. You don't need to say anything more than that. Then find your own place, and move out.

You can do this.

You have become so used to being his possession that you don't know how else to live. But nothing will change if you don't change it.

I am really hoping you can find the strength. You deserve to have your life back.

[SD1959]

A man that loves you, cares for you beyond sex, and is a friend, is hard to find.

 

You may want to think long and hard on this one before you do something you regret

[SecretlySad]

A man that loves you, cares for you beyond sex, and is a friend, is hard to find.

 

You may want to think long and hard on this one before you do something you regret

 

So force myself to love him just because good men are hard to come by? Either go completely sexless for the rest of my life or force myself to endure sex with a man who feels like my brother? That’s how you want me to live?

 

I could very easily kick back on easy street for the next 30 years while he pours me glasses of wine, does my laundry and spends hours washing our sheets (just some of the daily things he does). Very easily. But I can’t. I can’t use him any more than I feel like I already have. He deserves a full relationship and so do I.

[SherrySher]

You don't need to force yourself to be with someone you're not in love with...that's nonsense!!! You don't need to be forced into a situation that you don't want to be in.

If this man is decent, then possibly you can remain friends, but you've given him enough of your life ON HIS TERMS, and you now need to focus on your own happiness.

 

You are absolutely right, you both deserve to find actual love and not use each other any longer.

[SecretlySad]

Thank you, Sherry. You seem to understand it in a way few have. I’m not trying to absolve myself of blame in any way but I just want you to know I appreciate your opinion.

[Starlight925]

I was married like this. Super sweet guy, cooked me a gourmet meal and had a glass of wine waiting for me at the end of a hard day. Loved to take care of the lawn, the house, me. I, too, loved him....like a brother. There was never any passion between us (for me). I put my tail between my legs and divorced him, which turned out to be for the best, because he found someone a couple of years later who is crazy about him, and they are happily married to this day.

 

Do what you feel is right for you. I was about your age when I got divorced from this great, but not for me, guy.

 

The scary part is being on your own after all these years with him. You'll get through that. I did.

[maew]

It’s going to be hard for sure... maybe think about getting some outside help or support with how to do it in a kind and compassionate way.

[SecretlySad]

I was married like this. Super sweet guy, cooked me a gourmet meal and had a glass of wine waiting for me at the end of a hard day. Loved to take care of the lawn, the house, me. I, too, loved him....like a brother. There was never any passion between us (for me). I put my tail between my legs and divorced him, which turned out to be for the best, because he found someone a couple of years later who is crazy about him, and they are happily married to this day.

 

Do what you feel is right for you. I was about your age when I got divorced from this great, but not for me, guy.

 

The scary part is being on your own after all these years with him. You'll get through that. I did.

 

May I ask you about your experience? Did something in particular happen to make you realise your feelings for him were only platonic? Did you try and make it work because he was such a wonderful person but just couldn't force feelings that weren't there? I am having a little trouble understanding my feelings.

[SecretlySad]

14 years is a hell of a long time to stay in a half assed relationship

I understand you needed that strong masculine presence that you obviously found in this older guy, but you probably should have moved on earlier.

 

You must think hard about this because if you decide to break up and still have some respect for this man, you have to let him go and never contact him again

You cannot friendzone him. That is the worst you can do to a man you dump. This is disrespectful and emasculating. You must give him the space to forget you and move on with his own life; and if you keep jerking him around he won't be able to do so

 

If you decide to cut him lose, be respectful, kind and patient. Whatever happens do not become angry

Breakups are very painful; it is the most painful thing after the death of a close one

Be sensitive and compassionate

 

I am certainly trying to prepare myself for this and have no excuse except again for the environment I was raised in - one where we were told to just shut up and go with the flow. It's what I've done my whole life. It's something I despise.

 

My father was very aggressive and violent. I don't think my partner would ever physically hurt me but a mere raise of his voice makes me shake uncontrollably.

[MissCanuck]

I think you're feeling this way because you were barely an adult when you started dating, and you have grown and changed a lot since then. He, however, had more expeirence and was done dating around. You were at a very different point in your life.

 

I am nearly 37, and I can safely say the young woman I was at 21 or 22 is very different from who I am now. I have had a few serious relationships and learned more about myself and my preferences in the process. The type of guy I went for then is also quite different from the lovely partner I have today. My then-boyfriend was a great person but certainly not the one I was going to stay with forever. The 20s and 30s are such transitional times because you're navigating your way through adulthood while he'd already done a lot of that when you met him. I think your changing feelings reflect the overall changes we experience in that part of our lives. In essence, as you've grown up you've also grown apart from him.

 

I agree with the others who are encouraging you not to force yourself to stay. You know it's not going to work, and it will be disingenuous both to him and to yourself.

[Starlight925]

I was married like this. Super sweet guy, cooked me a gourmet meal and had a glass of wine waiting for me at the end of a hard day. Loved to take care of the lawn, the house, me. I, too, loved him....like a brother. There was never any passion between us (for me). I put my tail between my legs and divorced him

 

May I ask you about your experience? Did something in particular happen to make you realise your feelings for him were only platonic? Did you try and make it work because he was such a wonderful person but just couldn't force feelings that weren't there? I am having a little trouble understanding my feelings.

 

To answer your question, nothing in particular happened to make me realize my feelings were platonic.

 

It was more of, after the excitement of the wedding, the honeymoon, buying the perfect house, etc., I just realized that when it was just the two of us, I didn't feel it.

 

We were together for over 2 years before getting married, so it's not like we rushed into anything.

 

I had just turned 30, and I had that oh-my-gosh I have to rush feeling.

 

I will say, this one thing did tip me over the decision: His company gave us an opportunity to move overseas. He thought it was an amazing idea, for us to move and spend a few years in another country, having children, and having them learn that language in addition to English. For me, it was a pit in my stomach....the thought of us in a foreign country, just the two of us. I think it was then that I realized that what I loved was all the stuff we did together, but sadly, not him.

[OhGreat]

You don't need to admit how you've felt all these years but you do need to set yourself free. Right now you are living a life for HIS happiness and not your own. You can't live your life for someone else.

You have been a prisoner.

You deserve your freedom back and your happiness back. You deserve to find a man you are actually in love with.

You don't owe this man anything as far as I am concerned, he took advantage of a young girl in a bad situation. He knew what he was doing. You were vulnerable and he knew it.

You have given him enough...now it the time to get back your freedom.

You need to find the strength within yourself to tell him it's over. You don't need to say anything more than that. Then find your own place, and move out.

You can do this.

You have become so used to being his possession that you don't know how else to live. But nothing will change if you don't change it.

I am really hoping you can find the strength. You deserve to have your life back.

 

I suppose she should kick him in the nuts too?

 

You make him out to be a monster when it sounds like he is madly in love with her and doting on her.

 

She stayed because she felt safe. Now she is bored. No need to punish the guy.

 

He deserves the be treated like a human being.

[SherrySher]

He preyed on her vulnerabilities. He never gave her a fair chance on what she actually wanted. No doubt her knew she was in a bad place and took advantage. The age difference is significant.

He knew exactly what he was doing.

[SecretlySad]

I suppose she should kick him in the nuts too?

 

You make him out to be a monster when it sounds like he is madly in love with her and doting on her.

 

She stayed because she felt safe. Now she is bored. No need to punish the guy.

 

He deserves the be treated like a human being.

 

This has nothing to do with boredom. I still enjoy my time with him thoroughly, but I know it’s not on the same level that it once was.

 

We lead separate lives. He runs an online business (as a hobby; not at all necessary for us financially) and spends most of his time on that. Most evenings he is working on that until late. Then he joins me in the living room and 99% of the time falls asleep. I go to the beach and have weekends away with my sister and/or friends because getting him to commit to anything is like getting blood from a stone. I’m a “nag”, I’m “pressuring” him. Even asking him to take a bus into the city and join me for dinner on a lovely summer night is an inconvenience. It shouldn’t be this hard.

[Starlight925]

I think your relationship has simply run its course. You sound like roommates who should part as friends, and you can each be free to find others.

 

No harm, no foul.

 

I've been where you are, so I get it. Just because someone is nice doesn't mean they're the one for us.

[SherrySher]

Let's say for instance you are bored...it's still okay!! You're allowed to find the relationship stale and no longer viable for you. It doesn't make you a bad person. You were appreciative of the time you had together, and you say he is still a nice person, but this no longer works for you.

 

And that is perfectly okay.

[wgmitch]

Hey guys

 

My partner and I have been together for 14 years. We started dating when I was 21 and he was 38. Now I’m 36 and he’s 53.

 

We started off as friends then one night “one thing led to another” and the rest is history.

 

I came from an abusive home. My parents are both alcoholics who more or less told me I was unworthy of love and would never amount to anything. Due to this, my choices in men weren’t exactly fantastic. Then this lovely older man came along who wasn’t just after me for sex, but who actually wanted to care for and love me (not financially; I never relied on him for money) and I latched on like crazy.

 

I’ve always enjoyed being with him but throughout our entire relationship something has always felt… off. We can laugh and joke and spend time together and I still love it to this day, but any time he tries to hold my hand, put his arm around me or do anything “boyfriendy”, I feel uneasy.

 

I’ve been given the typical advice over the years – “Why don’t you try reigniting the spark? Everyone becomes just like friends when they’ve been together a long time” etc, but what if there never was a spark? What if we were always nothing more than friends?

 

I’ve made excuses to myself over the years – we want different things, the age gap etc but I’ve finally come to the simple realisation that I don’t see him as anything more than a good friend. And I don’t know what the hell to do about that. Has anyone ever been down this path??????? I don’t know how to do this but I know I have to. We both deserve it.

 

I know you are sad and having a hard time, but you need to do this now. It sounds like you have felt this way for a very long, long time and that's just not fair to your partner.

 

Please do this now and move on. This has gone on long enough. Do not look back and try to be friends. Be patient and nice with him, but be firm and be forever. He will be okay and he will be able to find someone that loves him.

 

You will move on and find someone as well.

 

Best of luck and keep us posted.

 

Mitch

[thealchemist]

This has nothing to do with boredom. I still enjoy my time with him thoroughly, but I know it’s not on the same level that it once was.

 

We lead separate lives. He runs an online business (as a hobby; not at all necessary for us financially) and spends most of his time on that. Most evenings he is working on that until late. Then he joins me in the living room and 99% of the time falls asleep. I go to the beach and have weekends away with my sister and/or friends because getting him to commit to anything is like getting blood from a stone. I’m a “nag”, I’m “pressuring” him. Even asking him to take a bus into the city and join me for dinner on a lovely summer night is an inconvenience. It shouldn’t be this hard.

That doesn't sound like he is some great guy or supportive husband.

 

It sounds like a guy who is so content that he takes you for granted.

 

I am sorry but all the stuff you said before is negated by this.

 

You fell out of love with a guy who doesn't try.

[SherrySher]

Not only does he not try and take her for granted, he never gave her a fair chance at what she wanted.

 

I hope you find the strength to leave, OP.