What should I do if I feel she is pulling away? (full situation explained)

[ArchieAnon]

Prepare for a longgg post because I'm going to go through everything that's happened. So this girl and I have been friends for about a year and half now. When I first met her, she was pretty deep in a relationship, so I figured nothing would happen between us and we would always just be friends, and I was okay with that. We always got along so well. This college semester though, she and I ended up going on a retreat with a group we're both a part of. It was on that retreat that we started talking and getting to know each other a lot more. During that I'm thinking "man, she's being VERY friendly with me." We both agreed that we wanted to hang out more after the retreat, and so we started making plans. I learned that her boyfriend of 4 years just broke up with her in January of this year. I was shocked because it seemed that they were inseparable. Anyways, we started hanging out more, and I asked her out on a date a week later. We had a blast, we stayed in the restaurant until closing time just talking. That night, however, she brought me outside and she told me that she did not really feel ready for a relationship since she was still recovering from her recent breakup. I told her I understood completely, and we parted ways that night, with me thinking that was the end of that.

 

The next day, however, she had a concert she was performing in, which I promised I would go to, so I still went. She was very happy to see me there and gave me a big hug. That following week, she suddenly wanted to hang out all throughout the week. She was initiating hangouts left and right, and we started becoming crazy about each other. I was slightly confused since she told me she was not ready, but I went with it. We started texting / snapchatting regularly, all day every day, having movie nights throughout the week and staying up way too late. Then we had spring break, and we were away from eachother for a week. We kept in contact every day through snapchat. When we finally returned from spring break, she wanted to do movie night that very first night we returned. It was that night that she wanted to hold hands (keep in mind that I, throughout all this, have been allowing her to initiate romantic gestures because I was trying to respect what she told me.) Everything seemed so beautiful... we were away for a week and then we were reunited, and we were both so happy.

 

We were doing this, it seems, until a week and a half ago. She's stopped initiating texts. When I snapchat her, she doesn't respond anymore. But when we meet in person, most of the time things seem fine. She usually still agrees to hang out, so she hasn't exactly been fully ghosting me. I feel like it's me initiating everything now. It's usually me asking how her day went, and she doesn't seem to care about mine. We used to send little texts throughout the week to show that we cared, but she has stopped doing that, and since I felt like I was the only one doing it, I stopped as well. So texting between us lately has been strictly for setting up times for us to meet in person, which, as I said, she agrees to most of the time. It is the end of the college semester, and she has a lot more things going on than I do. I've tried to give her the benefit of the doubt, telling myself she's probably just stressed and doesn't feel like texting / snapchatting throughout the day right now. I also know her schedule has been especially busy lately, so I've just been giving her more space to deal with that. I have to say, I've been stressing about it though.

 

Last Thursday I decided it was time to ask her if everything was okay between us, so I set up a meeting with her. The good news is whenever she suggested a time that didn't work for me, she would suggest another, which told me she wanted to meet up. When I got there to meet with her, everything seemed fine between us. She was acting happy and normal, and she was talking and talking away. So I didn't even ask her what I originally intended to, because everything seemed fine. Then last Friday we went to a dance together, which ended up being a lot of fun. Except I chickened out and did not ask for a slow dance because I started overthinking things (she went to sit down when the slow song came on, so I took that as she did not want to slow dance. Stupid I know). Then these past couple of days I feel like I have not been acting normal around her because of my anxiety and overthinking.

 

I have to say, throughout this entire time, I have been anxious about the relationship. Anxious during times where everything was literally fine, times when she could not have been crazier about me. I have a habit of creating problems that aren't there by overthinking. So at this point, I don't know whether to trust my own thinking on whether she has lost interest or not. I don't think she knows that I overthink as much as I do; I've been very careful not to freak out on her asking why she's been acting a certain way or asking why she's not responding to a text or whatever. Despite the paranoia in my private life, I have not brought it to her attention. I do think the overthinking affects my behavior around her though, and maybe that's what is happening right now.

 

I guess I just don't know what my next step should be. Sometimes I grow overemotional thinking about everything and start to freak out, thinking I should go immediately talk to her about it. I have some people telling me to just wait it out until things calm down with school, and I have some people telling me to put her on the spot and ask her what's up.

 

I'd love to hear everyone's opinions on the situation. And I appreciate you very much if you've taken the time to read through this Harry Potter novel.

Thank you so much!

[Andrina]

It seems like you want a girlfriend, and you're putting much of your emotional energy and time into a woman who isn't a good candidate for that. After a 4 year relationship, she needs a minimum of a year to mourn and heal without dating.

 

She probably liked the attention you gave her as an ego boost, but then thought further about what she was doing was leading you on, and it wasn't the right thing to do.

 

I never suggest sticking around for someone to "be ready." Very often when the person is ready, it's usually for someone else.

 

I'd suggest letting this friendship fade to the back burner. If it's a gf you want, expand where you'll meet interesting women, like perhaps in college clubs you could join, or joining a co-ed sports team. When you're putting emotional energy into someone who doesn't want the same thing as you, it's a huge waste of time. You should invest your thoughts and time into prospects who are ready, right now, for what you want.

[LondonLad83]

you sound a lot like me in the overthinking and anxiety and trying to keep it under control and also not being about to bring up the subject. Also the general situation - I've had something with a girl i've known 18 months, was fine with being friends but she was very keen on me but has twice gone distant, stopping snapchats, always me initiating contact..

 

The good thing is, things seem fine with you in person. Whatever is going on, if there is anything, may be totally unrelated to you as when she's with you things are better. If you do decide to bring it up, try and focus away from the relationship, so just ask if she's ok because she just seemed a little distant recently. Don't panic and say "what's up with US? have you gone off ME? why are you ignoring messages etc?"

 

Also did anything happen recently between you that could have caused her to pull away? With me every time I've got closer with this girl she then backs off again. Is the ex definitely out of the picture? If you don't text her, she doesn't initiate contact, but for how long have you left it? If everything was ok til a week and a half ago, it might not be time to panic, maybe she just needs a little more space for a short while.

 

Anyway good luck, and if you find anything that works, let me know, I could do with some ideas myself haha

[Blank State]

This sounds exactly like a relationship I was in. She had a boyfriend, but was flirting with me aggressively. To the point where I couldn't ignore it anymore. She told me things were ending with the boyfriend and I bought it. Things were good for a couple of months and then all of the sudden she started distancing herself from me. Almost same exact situation as yours. I would be the one initiating conversation, and I could see that things changed. I thought at first it was paranoia, but it wasn't. When he was annoying her, she would latch on to me. When things got better between her and her boyfriend, she would make it passive/aggressively clear to me. I have been on/off with this girl for almost a year and a half. It is over now though. I just couldn't handle it anymore.

 

Here is what I think happened. Her and her ex started talking again. Or they're messing around. But I think I can say for certain that she isn't over her boyfriend. And if he asked her back, she'd likely go back. Save yourself some heartache and stay away from it. It will torment you endlessly. And you are anxious because you aren't secure in this relationship. And she is most likely attractive, charming, and magnetic. People like this are amazing to be around and awesome to have sex with, but you will be in a lot of pain trying to maintain this. It just sounds so familiar to my situation.

[LondonLad83]

This sounds exactly like a relationship I was in. She had a boyfriend, but was flirting with me aggressively. To the point where I couldn't ignore it anymore. She told me things were ending with the boyfriend and I bought it. Things were good for a couple of months and then all of the sudden she started distancing herself from me. Almost same exact situation as yours. I would be the one initiating conversation, and I could see that things changed. I thought at first it was paranoia, but it wasn't. When he was annoying her, she would latch on to me. When things got better between her and her boyfriend, she would make it passive/aggressively clear to me. I have been on/off with this girl for almost a year and a half. It is over now though. I just couldn't handle it anymore.

 

Here is what I think happened. Her and her ex started talking again. Or they're messing around. But I think I can say for certain that she isn't over her boyfriend. And if he asked her back, she'd likely go back. Save yourself some heartache and stay away from it. It will torment you endlessly. And you are anxious because you aren't secure in this relationship. And she is most likely attractive, charming, and magnetic. People like this are amazing to be around and awesome to have sex with, but you will be in a lot of pain trying to maintain this. It just sounds so familiar to my situation.

 

wow also very similar to me, again on/off with a girl for 18 months. That's why I too asked is the ex bf definitely out of the picture, I have the same feeling as you but that is being informed by my own situation. I think it's the same thing with me even though she split up with her ex 4 years ago and she ended it, and when we weren't even involved and she'd gone off me the first time, she said she had no feelings whatsoever for him. But I feel she's never got over him and I've been a good distraction but that's all but yeah when he's pissed her off or pressured her she's probably come to me and vice versa. So yeah I think that's a good insight

 

I don't want to make the guy panic though, and if she's only been distant for a week or two it might not be serious, might have nothing to do with the ex, but it's a fair possibility. Either way though, she probably wasn't ready to get involved and is using this relationship as a bit of a crutch so it's a dangerous situation

[MissCanuck]

You are not over-thinking, OP.

 

She is pulling away, and it is precisely because she isn't ready to date. She tried to slot you in where her ex left a void, and she's realizing that doesn't work.

 

That's not to say she doesn't enjoy your company, but clearly isn't in any place to be your girlfriend. She first needs to heal and move on from her previous relationship.

[1tym]

I have a different opinion but not so much. Sometimes I give great advices but I can not follow them myself.

 

She told you she was not ready for a relationship this is most likely true. Weather its not with you or at all doesn't matter you are part of that not ready for a relationship.

 

Also she just got out of a 4 year relationship and if she is taking the time to sort those feelings out without a rebound and tells you she's not ready then I think you got someone who is mature enough to notice their own feelings and when the timing is right you should go for it.

 

There were times though I think you missed opportunities with her.

 

1. You spend time watching movies but all you did was hold hands.

2. She continues to meet you but you do not escalate anything or so I think.

3. Taking things slow is one thing but taking no action is another.

 

I play a lot of poker and saying one thing and doing another is completely different. She may say things to you but you have to take action, lead then assessment her reaction to see what her intentions are. Without it you will be where you are right now.

 

So what do you do right now?

 

Stop initiating contact. When she message you for a meet up decline initial meet up day/time. Suggest a different day and make it at night. When you meet do everything you did before. Make her laugh and comfortable and this night go in for the kiss. At least a kiss, I mean if she kiss you back you know what she been waiting for YOU. if she don't then you can move on because YOU know.

[ArchieAnon]

Thanks for the responses so far. When it comes to not making a move on her besides holding hands, I guess I was just trying to respect what she told me, I didn't want to overstep the boundaries she gave me. I understand that could very well be one of the problems though.

 

It sounds to me that I was serving to fill the void of her boyfriend for a while. I wonder if she is pulling away because she realizes that she's leading me on for something she's not ready for, or if she is losing interest in me entirely. I guess I'm kind of hoping that something will still happen between us in the future, perhaps after summer break where we've both had space from each other and she has had more time to recuperate from the breakup.

[1tym]

boundaries are like guidelines. You use them but at a certain point you have to progress the relationship. If you really overstep them she will let you know. But we talking about 1 kiss. If 1 kiss is overstepping and she let's you know then IMO move on.

 

When I mean progress the relationship you do it but she is also agreeing to it. Not my words but by actions. You do this enough she will use words to make a everything official

[Minikimini]

. That night, however, she brought me outside and she told me that she did not really feel ready for a relationship since she was still recovering from her recent breakup.

 

She put you on notice the first time you took her out that you would only be a rebound. Don't expect more from someone who just got out of a 4 year relationship---she still hasn't gotten her ex out of her system.

 

She's not going to start anything sustainable with you. She's got a long way to go to resolve her feelings behind the break up of her 4 year relationship. IOW--she won't be ready by summer.

[Blank State]

Thanks for the responses so far. When it comes to not making a move on her besides holding hands, I guess I was just trying to respect what she told me, I didn't want to overstep the boundaries she gave me. I understand that could very well be one of the problems though.

 

It sounds to me that I was serving to fill the void of her boyfriend for a while. I wonder if she is pulling away because she realizes that she's leading me on for something she's not ready for, or if she is losing interest in me entirely. I guess I'm kind of hoping that something will still happen between us in the future, perhaps after summer break where we've both had space from each other and she has had more time to recuperate from the breakup.

Here's what I learned from my experience. When I would try to get closer, she would pull away. When I stopped showing interest, she would love bomb the hell out of me. Some people are just like that. Could be narcissism, could be avoidant attachment, or it could be that she's all in on the ex. But I would move on if I were you. I don't think this is going to do anything but torment you.