HEEEEELLLPPPP. How do I get him to want me again???

[serena404]

I hate playing games. I'm usually a straight shooter. But to get my boyfriend back I think I'm going to have to use reverse psychology, a brilliant sales pictch, or fake like I really don't care that he's rejecting me and breaking my heart!!

 

I want him back. But he recently started dating a new girl 2 months ago. Kind of like 'get a new one to get over the last one?' AND...he's angry with me for not being there when he wanted me, and for not being the last woman he'd ever be with. BUT...he still calls me everyday. Granted, we used to talk everyday when we were together. But he's told me - in not so many words - that he hates me, I should go about my business, and he just doesn't see himself being with me again *OUCH* He's sick of everyone and everything and wants someone who wants him back.

 

And this comes after I've apologized profusley, begged for forgiveness, and told him he was the only one I ever wanted or needed

 

Of course I believe he's angry - and after 4 years I know how he gets when he's p'd off - but he's worth it to me and I know how and why he's hurt

 

He called last night. I didn't pick up because I don't want him to think I'm just there waiting for him. But I REALLY want to call him today cause I don't want him to think I'm not thinking about him!

 

I think we can make a go of it if only I can get him to trust and believe in me again. I know what I did to push him away. I just want him back.

 

Can I call him? Just for 60 secs..I'll even time myself...just to say hi so he doesn't think I've forgotten him. I know he has this new 'filler' girl, but ignoring him is just one more reason for him to complain and be aggravated

 

How do I win back his friendship, respect and trust. How do I get him back without seeming desperate?

[Tryingtobestrong]

Were you the one that ended the relationship? How and why?

[RayKay]

I think he is playing games with you at the moment to be honest...he tells you he hates you, has another girl, yet calls you everyday? Either he knows you want him and likes the power he has right now over you (power he did not have before) or is very very messed up and confused about what he wants...or both.

 

He will come back only if he wants too...yes there are things that can improve that chance but what it all comes down to is how HE feels, and he needs to feel like he wants to come back to you..that what you can offer is worth surmounting the other things for, or leaving the other girl and so on.

 

I think it sounds like there is a lot of anger and resentment in this relationship, and this is something you both will need to get past if there is a chance of making things work, of course right now he is with someone else so you also need to be aware that before that happens and you talk about this he needs to wrap things up with her.

 

You two need to have a healing conversation - and first you need to find out if he is open to that. I think yes you can call him, say you noticed he called but you were unable to answer at time (you went to bed early/not feeling well, whatever) and tell him you were wondering if he would like to grab a coffee...if he says yes then its a start, if he says not and gets angry well....time to move on I think and really limit contact for now. You both need time to heal I believe as there is so much hurt here.

[Beec]

RayKay's advice is pretty good. If he comes back, it is all about how he feels.

 

If has been going back and forth on you, then he sounds somewhat insecure. I don't see what else would have him act this way, it is very passive aggressive. While you may lure him back, that does not address then central issue of him being insecure. You will need to try to do that and try to make him change his behavior in order for things to work.

 

In this regard, I'd think about a challenge to his manhood when he acts insecure. Does a real man, a guy's guy act that way?

[serena404]

I initially left him. And before you all berate me for it...I felt I had good reason to.

 

But I agree with what you both said.

I think he's really insecure with me right now, and anyone else signifies security and stability.

 

He knows I want him and I'm pretty darn sure he's revelling in the power of that. He might even be both like ay Kay suggests. At this point I just want my best friend back. What can I do to improve the chances of him coming back? I know the proverbial ball is definitely in his court...and he loves that! He has me on a string, and I don't want to be dangled. I'm not that girl. I want equal and mutual respect, and see this as an opportunity to redo and fix what I broke. And I definitely started the snowball effect! I want him to feel like he wants, and should, come back. But since I don't want to be the controler of his emotions, I just need to be a man for a day so I can see how you guys tick when we females hurt you! bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb

 

Key is that he keeps yelling at me...what do I think he needs me for; and what do I think I can do for him as a girlfriend?? What makes me so special that other girls can't make him happy!?

 

I've asked him about the new girl. He's back and forth on that too! One minute she's the most important think to him, he really like this girl, and she makes him laugh. The next he has no comment about her, or he's just doing what makes him happy right now and he doesn't give a *bleep* about anyone or anything....and who doesn't like it can leave him the *bleep* alone!! (Did I tell you he was mad at me right now?? )

 

I WANT to talk to him - but he never wants to talk, he yells at me, EVERYTHING from the national deficit to the Pope's death is my fault, and he puts up a wall. So I tread carefully so I don't seem pushy, desperate or eager. I respect he's angry, and I don't want to take that away from him, but I want him to either get past it or suck it up. Of course I can't say that...he's way too fragile right now

[mshollywod]

I think it's time for you to move on from this verbal abuse. If you all are broken up, you should not be on the phone with him everyday. How is he going to miss you and realize that something is missing now that you are not there?

 

Take some time apart and evaluate your relationship after that.

[Day_Walker]

It seems that both of you arent exactly the most secure people, which is probably why it worked. I believe you should take the mature approach and realize how this relationship isnt what you actually want, you simply want what you lost and are having issues with that. Move forward from this situation, relfect about the situation and learn from it.

[Lonleyone]

Let me first say I'm in the same boat! You have to be strong. I know you hear that alot and so do I. You have to first put you first. People are going to tell you to do alot of things to get over him. You need to do you. I do not mean that in the wrong way. Just take care of you. I try and take my own advice and I am doing well.(so far) I talk alot more now then ever befor. My freids say I'm stronger then what I give myself credit for and you are to. Don't sit around waiting on him. He has moved on I don't know all your ins and outs but rest a sure life is KARMA what goes around comes around. Keep your head up. You will look back some day and say you know that lady in NC was right. I 'm doing me from this point on.

 

Lonleyone

N.C

[serena404]

First, thank you all for your opinions. I appreciate all insights - even those based on limited knowledge of the relationships posted on this board.

 

Second, wanting to be with a person romantically doesn't make one an insecure person. My security in my own self is high enough. Don't mistake patience and compassion for others as insecurity. I am very far from the point where I could be blinded by stupidity....and believe me when I say I think I know when enough is enough

 

As for verbal abuse...if anger, and yelling as a form of that anger, is verbal abuse, then I stand a victim. However, by my definition - there has been no verbal abuse in this relationship. Each person releases their emotions in the way they feel fit. If I felt any abuse of any kind, trust me when I say I would be SO gone. I love him...I'm not blinded by him.

 

This isn't about wanting what I lost - I haven't lost anything. It's about being culpable for my own actions, recognizing that culpability, and fixing what I single-handedly broke.

In all of my strength and growth, I have long since mastered the art of forgiveness. It doesn't mean that everyone else who shares my world has. My relationship wprked up tp this point because we both WERE secure. Once that security has broken down, it needs to be fixed. That's it, that's all.

[serena404]

Lonelyone - don't throw in the towel yet gurl....only YOU know when enough is enough...only you know - I mean truly know - your relationships. Absolutely get viewpoints and opinions from others, but their words aren't necessarily the magic answers...just food for thought...

 

My ex just called me. He asked if I would be opposed to go to couples counselling at our church. He said all the usual sweet things, and to let me know that he'd enlisted a counselor if I was willing to speak with her.

 

We surmised that if people didn't give up on relationships that went awry as quickly as they are prone to do, the divorce rate may not be as high as what it is. To me, the key is knowing when to break loose and hang it up. But only YOU know. The blueprint isn't always NC and 'just walk away.' Sometimes the relationship is worth salvaging.

 

I was never heartbroken - I just needed an ear to listen to me, and objective thoughts on how I could make things right. I never had an intent to walk away...this was worth having so it was worth working for.

 

Church counselling doesn't necessarily mean we'll be married with children in a year, but the healing process can begin. Even if we decide that we should not stay together - we will have learned

[DN]

Assuming you got him back why do you think he would be any different than he was before?

 

Or, why would you be able to tolerate now what you could not tolerate then?

[serena404]

I don't even look at it as getting him back. I look at it more like us finding each other. We're not the same people we were 4 years ago, and those things have to be considered. Staring out as friends - like we did when we first got together - determines if we both want or need the same things from a relationship anymore.

 

You asked: "Assuming you got him back why do you think he would be any different than he was before?" For the same reasons he would assume the same of me. It takes two to make a relationship. It only takes one not to want it. People grow and change, and in the light of all adversity they can change in your favor or not.

 

He's angry with me for his own set of reasons. It's for me to ease his fears or move on if I can't. And likewise!

 

I can tolerate now what I could not tolerate then for the same reason. Growth and change, along with understanding and a nonjudgmental nature

[sadCara]

I'm happy for you, i'm glad your giving this a shot.

Best of luck and i hope you are both happy in the end. That is the important part

[DN]

Has he said anything to make you believe the new girl is just a 'filler girl' or is that wishful thinking on your part.

 

I would advise against playing any games, such as not picking up the phone when he calls to make him think this or that. He may think something entirely diffrent to what you want. So no tactics, strategems, etc. Just open and honest communication.

[RayKay]

Has he said anything to make you believe the new girl is just a 'filler girl' or is that wishful thinking on your part.

 

I would advise against playing any games, such as not picking up the phone when he calls to make him think this or that. He may think something entirely diffrent to what you want. So no tactics, strategems, etc. Just open and honest communication.

 

I second that.

 

There are always games that can be played, problem is that while they sometimes work, often they come back to bite you on the behind, or when you "win" the game it turns out you either have to keep the game going forever (so never really being true) or the prize was not worth it really in the end....

 

If you two want to make things work and are ready, as said you need that healing conversation and that open communication DN mentioned above. You are both adults, so should be able to know what you do or do not want, and how to go about it respectfully. Do not allow him to be verbally cruel to you anymore though, set yourself some boundaries (ie if he says he hates you, then calmly tell him that you are sorry to hear that, and will talk to him a little later and then say your goodbyes...let him calm down for a while).

 

And you do need to find out more about the status of him with this girl...it may be serious or it might not be, but you need to hear it from him.

 

Good luck, and whatever happens remember you will be fine...as much as the phrase sucks, things turn out for the best in the end, sometimes we miss seeing our futures when we concentrate too much on the past.

[serena404]

...and I 3rd that emotion DN and Ray Kay. I don't like the games, and woud rather call a spade a spade if that's what it really is

 

He's said she's a filler. And it sucks becuase she doesn't deserve to be hurt too. But he assures me that he's told her that he's 'unavailable' and I guess she feels she can change that unavailability status. I also think/feel she's a filler because of how he still attempts to relate to me. I guess that's something I know about him as an individual. He masks his hurt and pain with other people and things. She will be hurt I know. He's definitely a jump head first person. Now I could be wrong - he could be slowly weening himself off of me. And that will be reveiled in good time. But either way I'm learning what I needed to learn

[Beec]

RayKay makes a good point or two.

 

There are always games that can be played, problem is that while they sometimes work, often they come back to bite you on the behind, or when you "win" the game it turns out you either have to keep the game going forever (so never really being true) or the prize was not worth it really in the end....

 

Games are fine, but they should be games you can play for most of your life. If the game is outside your character, then you won't be able to keep it up. It needs to be part of you. So either stick to what you are or make the game you play part of you. The other warning about playing is be careful how much you play with them. Don't create soemthing unhealthy, you still need to act out of love.

 

Finally, try to have some self-realization. Know why you want him or her before you try, if you can. Often, we wnat what we cannot have, so when finally get them, we no longer what them. If not being able to have them is your sole motivation, don't try to get them.

[mshollywod]

We all know that there are problems in every relationship but each person not one has to be willing to make a difference.

 

Serena, your case is a little different because you guy is making an attempt to change and that is all you can ask.

[serena404]

Beec

 

I made a point of looking deep within myself and asking what or why I would want to be in this relationship. I was the one who walked away initially...so why back track?

 

You're so on point in all the questions you tell me to ask of myself. And I asked myself those questios if for nothing other than to make sure it wasn't my ego wanting him back.

 

I'm sure now. I can't play games and I have to be true to both hims and myself. How else will I ever rebuild that trust? How else can I ever trust myself??

 

You all are so right...I think I'm going about this the right way, but you all are still giving me plenty of food for thought

 

Thank you guys!