Coming full circle, from my infidelity to marriage problems that husband won’t w

[Vanishing Girl]

I won’t go into a complete recap (you can read every post back from when I emotionally cheated), but basically: I cheated emotionally. I learned my extremely abusive and neglectful past left me somewhat damaged and with zero coping skills. That infidelity and the sudden awareness that came with it changed me for the better. I became a better wife, a happier, healthier person. Not without my problems....I will always have things to work on. And I will work on them because my biggest value (and only thing I honestly have to be proud of) is my ability to overcome the horrific first 11 years of my life.

 

The guy I cheated with “showed back up in my life” in a very weird way recently. We are not in physical contact and not verbally either. I think he’s communicating with me by song (yes I know how incredibly weird that sounds).

I know this.....while my intense feelings for him are still there I would never leave my husband to get with him. I will not lie or cheat or anything else either. I’d need time (and lots of it as I haven’t been single since I don’t even remember when...a few months at age 15 maybe) for myself and I have a child, who is way more important than my romance interests. I would not want to begin another relationship regardless, and I bring that up because it has nothing to do with what comes next.

 

I’m realizing now how many times I’ve told my husband we need to spend more time working to connect and that I felt he made no effort. I’ve given suggestions for what to do to be romantic over the 12 years. He’s never planned a single date since we’ve been married. He’s always got an excuse...no money is his favorite even though I’ve given a million ideas for free dates. I used to plan all our date nights but stopped when he complained about everything we did. Let me say, when we were dating he was mister “surprise and romance”. He blamed my cheating as to why he lost his passion. But should i continue “paying for it”12 years later? I know I can’t do his inner work for him.

 

Sex was an issue for a LONG time, but I worked my ass off both in therapy and in the bedroom. I told him early on in our marriage (before cheating) and as recently as our last therapy session together that sex needs to have foreplay and romance preceding it at least some of the time. That’s NEVER happened.

 

I know I have issues connecting from my abusive past (see my most recent post), and we’ve been in and out of therapy together over the years. But he seriously seems to (or maybe I’m just becoming aware if it) not be able to show me empathy...for anything. Even thinking back to when my mom passed. He was never by my side...not at her hospital bed with me. Not at her funeral by myself side. He was there with his family by his side while I sat alone next to my brother and his girlfriend.

 

No matter how much therapy we’ve had he still doesn’t really take responsibility for his share of an argument or anything really. He doesn’t want to hear anything from me it seems unless it’s to do with moving forward and out of his family’s home. Now I understand to the extent that I don’t want to be here either. But for 2 years now every time we try to change something to improve our situation something else changes and we wind up in the same place. I keep feeling like maybe we’re not meant to move on together.

 

This guy “reappearing” only strengthens my need to know....is it worth staying in my marriage after this much work and realizing my husband hasn’t really changed much at all. Sure he doesn’t call me names anymore or throw things around to show me how powerful he is but he still does nothing for me romantically and he doesn’t seem to care about my feelings.

 

Knowing myself the way I do now, I fear I married my husband because I thought he was “the one” and even though my emotional connection to him was never there I’d never experienced one until I cheated and then with many platonic same sex friends since then. I was 23 when we married...39 now.

 

I’m putting this all down to 1) keep track of my progress/awareness 2) to help keep me seeing all things about this with no blind spots-where you all come in and 3) hear any words of wisdom you care to share.

[abitbroken]

Firstly, how is this guy communicating with you through song? Is he standing outside your window with a radio? Is he posting songs on social media that you are reading into?

 

You should have this guy BLOCKED. If he is not blocked in every way --- then really, you have no room to talk about what your husband should do.

Infidelity is very damaging - only your husband can start to feel differently when he has changed on the inside. You tell him "sex must have romance and foreplay" but yet you are giving away other parts of you to another man -- even if you are not outwardly cheating right now - the fact that you are paying attention and interpreting what this other man does is troubling. He is taking up your headspace.

 

If you are living with his family, etc, then your husband is on a mission - he wants to improve your situation together and that's his way of doing it. you are implying its not worth it because "something always happens"/

 

If i were you, i would shut this other guy out completely and work as a team with your husband to move out of where you are and start a new life in your own place together. Perhaps romance will come back when he has a completely faithful wife (her headspace is not taken up by another man,) and things are stable as far as the living situation. That's just my take on things.

 

There is no "sign if you should work on your marriage" based on a song you hear.

 

If you don't want to be with your husband - than, don't, but not because you think this guy is calling out to you. You say your husband hasn't change and now you say he used to call you names and now he doesn't anymore -- that sounds like change to me.

[Capricorn3]

Your marriage sounds exhausting, draining and sucks the life out of you. (Sorry). Speaking for myself only, if this was my marriage, and after years of therapy/counselling together, and still nothing has changed, I would head for the divorce court. You can try and try and try, but when one party doesn't take responsibility for their actions, and clearly shows no sign of wanting to fix anything, then that's your cue to go, imo.

 

Infidelity of course doesn't/didn't help either. There is too much broken here, to fix, imo.

[abitbroken]

I fear I married my husband because I thought he was “the one”

He was "the one" you chose.

[Vanishing Girl]

Firstly, how is this guy communicating with you through song? Is he standing outside your window with a radio? Is he posting songs on social media that you are reading into?

 

You should have this guy BLOCKED. If he is not blocked in every way --- then really, you have no room to talk about what your husband should do.

Infidelity is very damaging - only your husband can start to feel differently when he has changed on the inside. You tell him "sex must have romance and foreplay" but yet you are giving away other parts of you to another man -- even if you are not outwardly cheating right now - the fact that you are paying attention and interpreting what this other man does is troubling. He is taking up your headspace.

 

If you are living with his family, etc, then your husband is on a mission - he wants to improve your situation together and that's his way of doing it. you are implying its not worth it because "something always happens"/

 

If i were you, i would shut this other guy out completely and work as a team with your husband to move out of where you are and start a new life in your own place together. Perhaps romance will come back when he has a completely faithful wife (her headspace is not taken up by another man,) and things are stable as far as the living situation. That's just my take on things.

 

There is no "sign if you should work on your marriage" based on a song you hear.

 

If you don't want to be with your husband - than, don't, but not because you think this guy is calling out to you. You say your husband hasn't change and now you say he used to call you names and now he doesn't anymore -- that sounds like change to me.

 

I appreciate what you’re suggesting but it’s been 12 years of no contact/no nothing on any social media. This recent telepathic communication (best to my understanding about it and even my therapist agrees) turned into YouTube post awareness because part of the telepathy was “hearing what to look up and where”. For lack of a better description, what someone who is psychic might experience. I didn’t put that out there because I’ve been on this site long enough to know most people here find that to be silly bull ship at best. Yes he’s taking up my headspace...it was the most jarring experience I’ve ever had out of nowhere. This happened less than 2 weeks ago just after I posted about loneliness and filling my own emotional cup.

 

Thank you for the rest of your input but I don’t think you’re getting a good feel for what’s happening here. I’m not looking for a sign. Looking for signs is how I feel I married “the one” which I now realize is hogwash.

 

And we’ve been working on the marriage. Or I feel I have been and he does bare minimum. So focused on work and getting ahead that he ignores EVERY other need in his/our life: health, our marriage which wasn’t his priority when we had lots of time so it’s definitely not now, how we’re parenting our child, etc. don’t even get me started on how the political nature of our conversations have shown me we are so very different.

 

I still appreciate the feedback to help me process through though so thanks.

[Vanishing Girl]

I fear I married my husband because I thought he was “the one”

He was "the one" you chose.

 

Yes and I’ve grown as s person so much since then!

[Vanishing Girl]

Your marriage sounds exhausting, draining and sucks the life out of you. (Sorry). Speaking for myself only, if this was my marriage, and after years of therapy/counselling together, and still nothing has changed, I would head for the divorce court. You can try and try and try, but when one party doesn't take responsibility for their actions, and clearly shows no sign of wanting to fix anything, then that's your cue to go, imo.

 

Infidelity of course doesn't/didn't help either. There is too much broken here, to fix, imo.

 

That’s what it comes down to in a way. Is this too broken for repair and is the desire really there (on both sides)? Either way, as parents, more therapy. We both went through horrendous divorces so we’ll be doing the work either way (always my motto for keeping on with therapy, but maybe his desire is gone and he was just willing to overlook it?). Food for thought and to ask him about when we talk about it all again. Thank you.

[abitbroken]

I appreciate what you’re suggesting but it’s been 12 years of no contact/no nothing on any social media. This recent telepathic communication (best to my understanding about it and even my therapist agrees) turned into YouTube post awareness because part of the telepathy was “hearing what to look up and where”. For lack of a better description, what someone who is psychic might experience. I didn’t put that out there because I’ve been on this site long enough to know most people here find that to be silly bull ship at best. Yes he’s taking up my headspace...it was the most jarring experience I’ve ever had out of nowhere. This happened less than 2 weeks ago just after I posted about loneliness and filling my own emotional cup.

 

 

So you are basing your "signs" that this guy is reaching out to you by TELEPATHY as a sign of whether you should continue your marriage or not? That isn't taking responsibility or ownership for your thoughts and urges at all - if you are thinking about him - your mind is wandering towards thoughts of him because you are not satisfied in your marriage - then you need to own that. blaming it on mysterious outside forces is not taking responsibility for your thoughts and actions - that is playing the person that "stuff just happens to" "i don't know why this is happening" philosophy of life. If you want to make the excuse and blame it on telepathy = well - to me that's a cop out.

[Vanishing Girl]

So you are basing your "signs" that this guy is reaching out to you by TELEPATHY as a sign of whether you should continue your marriage or not? That isn't taking responsibility or ownership for your thoughts and urges at all - if you are thinking about him - your mind is wandering towards thoughts of him because you are not satisfied in your marriage - then you need to own that. blaming it on mysterious outside forces is not taking responsibility for your thoughts and actions - that is playing the person that "stuff just happens to" "i don't know why this is happening" philosophy of life. If you want to make the excuse and blame it on telepathy = well - to me that's a cop out.

 

No, I am basing my questioning the marriage because of MY feelings and reactions to such an event and saying “why does it make me question our relationship in this way? What does this guy represent that I’m not getting in my marriage?”. And because of ALL the other reasons already listed. To which I own I am not satisfied in my marriage and all the reasons why I have listed and discussed (and continue to discuss) with my husband. Full heartedly. Full disclosure. As I come to allow myself to both experience and communicate.

 

That said, I am done explaining myself to you and will no longer respond to your questions.

 

The telepathy is new yes but not the only experience I’ve had as of late. This guy is symbolic in other ways over my lifetime and connecting to my husband. More than I care to explain here. And it no longer relates to my original post, so no more on that. Live in sand drawn.

[indea08]

If it were me, I would give my husband all of the concrete needs that I have that I cannot go without.

 

1. Romance/foreplay before sex

2. Taking interest in each other's lives

3. Forward progress in whichever areas are important to you.

 

He should have the opportunity to give you a list of his own needs, because believe me, if you're this unhappy, he is too. Then I would give him 6 months to show me his effort. In 6 months, re-evaluate the situation, and if you're not satisfied with the progress you've made together, it's time to go.

 

All you can ever do is communicate your needs to the other person, give them a chance to hear you, and decide if this is what makes you happy. That's it. If you take any other avenue, then you're venturing into controlling or changing that person's behavior, and if it's getting to that point, you've got to trust that there's a better match for you.

[Vanishing Girl]

If it were me, I would give my husband all of the concrete needs that I have that I cannot go without.

 

1. Romance/foreplay before sex

2. Taking interest in each other's lives

3. Forward progress in whichever areas are important to you.

 

He should have the opportunity to give you a list of his own needs, because believe me, if you're this unhappy, he is too. Then I would give him 6 months to show me his effort. In 6 months, re-evaluate the situation, and if you're not satisfied with the progress you've made together, it's time to go.

 

All you can ever do is communicate your needs to the other person, give them a chance to hear you, and decide if this is what makes you happy. That's it. If you take any other avenue, then you're venturing into controlling or changing that person's behavior, and if it's getting to that point, you've got to trust that there's a better match for you.

 

I like this as a plan of action. I know he’s unhappy too. Because when you don’t see yourself as important as the things you feel you HAVE to do you cannot possibly be. That said, how can he possibly give me what he’s not giving himself? It seems impossible.

 

I will suggest this when we talk again. I agree with everything you said. While I feel I’ve laid it all out before I’ll give it another go. Thank you!

[Jibralta]

No matter how much therapy we’ve had he still doesn’t really take responsibility for his share of an argument or anything really. He doesn’t want to hear anything from me it seems unless it’s to do with moving forward and out of his family’s home. Now I understand to the extent that I don’t want to be here either. But for 2 years now every time we try to change something to improve our situation something else changes and we wind up in the same place. I keep feeling like maybe we’re not meant to move on together.

 

I think you've probably hit the nail on the head here.

 

He was "the one" when you had limited life experience. But since then, you've learned that there's more out there. You don't have to settle for misery. But you should be clear about what you want, and give him a chance to give it to you, before you dismantle your marriage.

[Vanishing Girl]

Yes, I’m going in that direction. So far he doesn’t seem to want to do anymore work (his words tonight), but he’s physically tired. Said he’s just getting tired of having to focus at all on the relationship.

 

He just changed jobs and is currently of the mindset I somehow planned all this. He seriously (actually he is saying the same) doesn’t seem to understand most of what I say. Everything is an insult or a slight to him. I’m pretty sure this convo is going to have to take place with our therapist. He just shoots off old issues anytime I bring up current problems but claims the past doesn’t affect him.

 

Moving slowly so I can give him a chance to catch up. I’d be ecstatic if we could (especially after all this) really hit it home and have some great connection. We have awesome and doable plans. I just want a partnership where I’m met half way. Not pushing or pulling. Or chasing. No more.

[ThatwasThen]

What keeps you there, luv. Is it your codependency?

 

I see nothing worth staying for in the picture you've painted of your life with this man.

[Vanishing Girl]

What keeps you there, luv. Is it your codependency?

 

I see nothing worth staying for in the picture you've painted of your life with this man.

 

When it comes down to the thought of leaving I think “I have no one else.” And really, besides my son and him, I don’t. But really I know I only have myself and can depend on no one but me. Coming to that realization still stings. It’s a relatively new understanding in the grand scheme of my

life.

 

“If I leave, holidays will be lonely and unless I make all the effort our son will never have happy memories” on holidays. But that’s actually true now too. I know it’s pathetic to think about holidays at a time like this, but this is where my head has been going so just being honest. I think it’s part of grieving the first 38 years of my life where family celebrations were big and now everyone is dead and the living don’t want to be around each other. My Mom passed 2 years ago and the grieving process for me really likes to visit holidays.

 

I also think about how all our plans with how we wanted to raise our son will be squashed (from his health to schooling). That’s a really large part of it right now.

 

After some thought, I think the quality I chose my husband for (after the emotional cheating began and I chose to end it) and it still stands. He’s safe. I don’t feel this passionate crazy love with him that i would definitely fear losing. He won’t leave. He let me come apart to him which started my path of self discovery. I used to feel loved by him and it was in his safe (unpassionate) love that I could finally let go. When I “chose him” last I really think it was his ability to make me feel like I had a stable foundation. I’d never felt that before.

 

Truly, I never explored this far how I feel about this aspect of our marriage or these feelings of safety (which tells me husband and I have a lot of ground to cover....or I do in my next therapy session/both).

[Jibralta]

I perused a couple of your past threads, and this stuck out to me:

 

We've been married for less than 2 years (this august will be 2 years), but were together for 3 years before that. When we initially started dating we both had issues with trust,....i had finally met my match. I thought that because of all the things done to me in my past that i was a hopeless case who was never going to trust anyone, but when i met him i realized there is someone worse than me when it comes to this trust thing.

 

You were at a certain point in your development, and he was at a similar level. Because of him, you've been able to work through some things and grow. Perhaps he did not use your relationship to the same end. The outcome may be that you are no longer compatible. Yest he still stands by you even when it's not working: You are safe to him, too.

 

It's hard not to have sympathy for both parties here.

[Vanishing Girl]

I perused a couple of your past threads, and this stuck out to me:

 

 

 

You were at a certain point in your development, and he was at a similar level. Because of him, you've been able to work through some things and grow. Perhaps he did not use your relationship to the same end. The outcome may be that you are no longer compatible. Yest he still stands by you even when it's not working: You are safe to him, too.

 

It's hard not to have sympathy for both parties here.

 

Spot on!

Thank you! I clearly need to revisit some past threads at this time.