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Dumped again in middle of a restaurant

Electra

By Electra
in Breaking Up Advice

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Electra Rookie

Electra

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I’ve been with this man for about 4 months. He’s 49 and I’m 37. In the beginning we both seemed really into each other. Then after some time he started crying to me that he loves me but somehow he’s not sure if our personalities are compatible. This confused me. Then, a week or so later he phoned me up and dumped me but then started sending me loads of messages about how sad he was and how he couldn’t stop sobbing. We ended up back together. I said that we haven’t known each other long why can’t we just see how it goes.

 

For the next nearly 2 weeks he phoned me loads, we went out together as normal & everything seemed fine. He was telling me he loves me a lot. Then, last Monday we were sitting eating lunch together and completely out of the blue he dumped me AGAIN. He said he does love me and is very attracted to me but he can’t see us living together or getting married. This time I was really upset and cried in the middle of the restaurant. I thought it was really cruel of him to do this in public.

 

After that I blocked him to avoid the same messages as before. He tried emailing and phoning me from a landline. Then he came to my house but I didn’t answer the door.

 

He still seems to want to be in contact and is still messaging me and putting kisses on the end. I just don’t understand why someone would behave this way. I don’t know if it’s relevant but he has MS. He doesn’t like talking about it but I do know the doctor has signed him off work for two weeks and told him to detox. I’m not sure whether his feelings about the illness make him this way. But I think his treatment of me is cruel.

 

I don’t really want to see him again because I think his involvement in my life is really bad for my emotional well being.

 

It’s not normal to chop and change with someone like this is it?

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JA0371 Proficient

JA0371

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Wow...l.this guy sounds like an absolute nutcase. No...his behavior is not 'normal'. He sounds bipolar at best. Please do NOT get back together with him or see him. If he comes to your house again, tell him you're going to call the police . What he did to you was absolutely cruel and unjustified... Keep posting here it will help!!'

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Wiseman2 Grand Master

Wiseman2

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Yes you need to block and delete him. Why was he talking marriage after 4 mos of dating? He seems to have very poor boundaries and should not be showing up at your house. If he contacts you or shows up again, you need to let him know you'll call the cops for trespassing. He's a loose canon, regardless of the reason and you need to be much firmer with this.

I’ve been with this man for about 4 months. he can’t see us living together or getting married. Then he came to my house but I didn’t answer the door. the doctor has signed him off work for two weeks and told him to detox.
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Electra Rookie

Electra

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I’m not going to see him again. I’m just sad because I love him - I can’t switch it off like a tap. You’re absolutely right though. Another thing he would do is cry after sex and say it was because he felt he was losing me.

 

He told me the relationship he had before me was a woman who had BPD and kept finishing with him every 2 weeks. But I now suspect it was him finishing with her.

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glitterfingers Proficient

glitterfingers

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In all honesty, it doesn't matter what his past relationships were like. You're never going to know for sure. I wouldn't even bother trying to analyse that side of him because it's really just letting your imagination run wild and the flow on effect of that you start trying to empathise with him. Don't bother.

 

Here are the facts of the situation:

- He has inadequate communication skills

- He has displayed extreme emotional instability

- He doesn't know what he wants from a relationship

- He doesn't know how to handle natural doubts and insecurities in a healthy way (e.g. Considering them at length, and then breaking up decisively if necessary)

- He has harassed you with messages, indicating that he needs you to affirm his bad behaviour

- He has dramatised the relationship and shown up at your house within 4 months of dating, which is a sign of things to come

- His health issues are not temporary, so if this is related, his behaviour will only continue or get worse as he cannot control it

 

There's probably way more to add to the list. Like issues with sex, money, some unattractive feature or annoying habit

 

I'd be focusing more on exploring thoughts like these... It will help you move on REAL quick

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Jibralta Grand Master

Jibralta

Posted
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Here are the facts of the situation:

- He has inadequate communication skills

- He has displayed extreme emotional instability

- He doesn't know what he wants from a relationship

- He doesn't know how to handle natural doubts and insecurities in a healthy way (e.g. Considering them at length, and then breaking up decisively if necessary)

- He has harassed you with messages, indicating that he needs you to affirm his bad behaviour

- He has dramatised the relationship and shown up at your house within 4 months of dating, which is a sign of things to come

- His health issues are not temporary, so if this is related, his behaviour will only continue or get worse as he cannot control it

 

This is a great list. The bolded is one of the most important life skills that a person can have, in my opinion. And he lacks it.

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Electra Rookie

Electra

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In all honesty, it doesn't matter what his past relationships were like. You're never going to know for sure. I wouldn't even bother trying to analyse that side of him because it's really just letting your imagination run wild and the flow on effect of that you start trying to empathise with him. Don't bother.

 

Here are the facts of the situation:

- He has inadequate communication skills

- He has displayed extreme emotional instability

- He doesn't know what he wants from a relationship

- He doesn't know how to handle natural doubts and insecurities in a healthy way (e.g. Considering them at length, and then breaking up decisively if necessary)

- He has harassed you with messages, indicating that he needs you to affirm his bad behaviour

- He has dramatised the relationship and shown up at your house within 4 months of dating, which is a sign of things to come

- His health issues are not temporary, so if this is related, his behaviour will only continue or get worse as he cannot control it

 

There's probably way more to add to the list. Like issues with sex, money, some unattractive feature or annoying habit

 

I'd be focusing more on exploring thoughts like these... It will help you move on REAL quick

When you say his health issues do you mean that maybe the MS affects his behaviour?

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glitterfingers Proficient

glitterfingers

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When you say his health issues do you mean that maybe the MS affects his behaviour?

 

Apparently cognitive and mood symptoms are part of the disorder, BUT I don't know the details of MS (or this man's life) well enough to comment. It makes sense though that any disease affecting the central nervous system carries a risk of additional psychological symptoms

 

At most you can sympathise with him for that, but I would not forgive the behaviour. As I said, it's worse if he cannot control it

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