Why did he want kids if he didn't want a family

[AAvr1315]

Last night as I sat and watched a movie with my kids(2 and 4). Thoughts just kept going threw my head. I can't help but wonder what he does in moment when I'm with our kids.

 

Every morning I wake up go to work and see the sleeping. I come home and their face light up with joy to see me come home, tun and hug me and greet me with " mom you're home" with excitement. And continue my day from there with them. I'm not a perfect mom, not close. But I do take into consideration that they are my responsibility. To make sure they are dressed, fed, they have clean clothes, the go to bed on time, you know the basic things.

I'm not going to lie there are times when I wished I had time for myself, but the times I do I feed like I'm missing something.

 

In the relationship, yes there was problems, I thought could be fixed if we both work towards it and invested time and effort. At one point he mentions for us to have kids to fix our problems. That made me upset why have kids to fix problems, that doesn't make sense, you would just bring them into a relationship filled with problems.

 

As soon as I knew I was pregnant, I'm not going to lie, I didn't want to have kids, i didn't feel like I was ready at 23. I was scared and deep down i knew things might not work out and I didn't want my kids to have a broken home like i did. My pregnancy I felt like I needed to be very happy and joyful and just feel great. Reality I didn't, I thought something was wrong with me because I didn't feel those things, I was scared of the future and what would come.

 

I just wanted reassurance from him, that we were in this together and he would be the partner I need him to be and help me along this need journey. But he didn't, his words were, "your the mother it's your instinct. I dont know how to take care or her, shes too little, when shes older ill knkw how to," the words crushed me.

 

He would help me here and there, he would even sing to her to help put her to sleep, but I wanted more from him as a partner and father. The second pregnancy was worse, he pulled away, he was distant and I was alone. With the first he would go to every appointment with me, the second one I would always go alone....

 

After our second girl was born, he didn't help, I would even think he didn't even want her or loved her and she is the one that looks the most like him....

 

When I did find out he was cheating, when I was pregnant with our second, his words, " you don't pay attention to me, your always with the baby, you never have time for me,"

Motherhood is hard. Trying to balance being a mom, working, taking care of the home obligations and trying to keep a relationship going. I felt overwhelmed. I felt like I was doing everything and he wouldn't help. He would come home from work and sleep, sometimes watch out kid, but she would mostly be in the care of my mother or family.

 

Is he better now that he doesn't have our kids around? That he is able to be with someone to give him full attention? And be able to do things with, things he liked, hiking, fishing, camping, going out of town to visit family, go to the shooting range...

Those are all things I would tell him I would love to do with him, if he wanted me to, just so I could be with him. I too felt, alone, unloved and with no attention. I would tell him that we could have date night and do whatever he wanted to or take couple days to focus on us. But he never wanted to. Somethings I cry and think that it was my fault, because I focus on being a mom that's why I lost him. That I should have put more effort towards him.

But at the same time, how could I when my responsibility were my kids.

 

Even now he would take them and bring them back. Is that what he wants. To be a parent for couple of hours and just give them back, so he could continue his relationship and have attention.

Not proud of this, but the other time we video called, I had to stop because my kid needed me, I told him I couldn't and I had to stop the call to go back to my mom duties. He looked annoyed and said fine.

 

That s something I noticed, and yesterday thought about how he's missing a lot of our kids moments because he was selfish.

 

My oldest always tells me how much she loves me and it makes me happy to know I am doing something right....

[thealchemist]

It really sucks to be in such a crappy situation.

 

I can't imagine how hard it would be to raise our kids without my wife. Just thinking about having to split time with my children in half is terrifying.

 

It sounds like he is just a worthless POS.

 

People who don't act like parents and expect their SO to do everything are lazy, worthless individuals.

 

Then after leaving all the work to you he blames you that you have no time for him.

 

Most my quality time with my wife is around my children as well. Raising a family is a team effort.

 

The only thing I would say is don't get involved with worthless, lazy people in a relationship. Just asking some simple questions can really help see their idea of what parenting is. It can also save a lot of pain and effort on a lost cause.

[smackie9]

I know this is a good place to let it all out, but I think you could use some one on one counseling....maybe just a few sessions to give you some relief. You definitely need to feel better about yourself so you can move forward and make life better.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this. You sound like a loving caring mother. Unfortunately their father sounds selfish and immature. Don't bother communicating with him except for child support and visitation schedules. Invest your time starting to talk to and date other single parents.

I come home and their face light up with joy to see me come home, tun and hug me and greet me with " mom you're home" with excitement. Even now he would take them and bring them back. I told him I couldn't and I had to stop the call to go back to my mom duties. He looked annoyed and said fine.

[DanZee]

You have nothing to be ashamed of. You are a good mother trying to do the best you can without the help of their father. He is an immature child who hasn't grown up or accepted the consequences of his actions. He has abandoned his loving family and he thinks he's still a teenager doing whatever he likes with whomever he likes. You should be angry at him and make sure he's paying you all the child support that's owed. And make sure you don't let him come back whenever a girlfriend leaves him or he gets drunk and lonely. You owe him nothing, he owes you everything. Don't ever forget that.

[AAvr1315]

He seemed happy with the first pregnancy. He would try, but as time passed he started pulling away and he cheated. I met with the girl he was cheating the first time. She said he would want that to kind of ditch what she would have to do to spend with her. That he wanted to be with her in the future. But she had priorities. And the second time he was cheating well he now lives with her. So my question. Was i wrong? Should I have stopped and just focus on him?

But when I would suggest having just us time he wouldn't want to? Was I not worth the time anymore?

[AAvr1315]

Thank you. I am looking into that.

[AAvr1315]

It's just in moment like that is when I think how much things would of been different if he would have cared. How maybe if it would of worked that our kids wouldn't have to be shared or eventually pick who they want to spend time with.

He always tells me when I don't let him have our kids. It's time I'm taking away from him and when our kids grow up that they will resent me for not letting them have time with him.

It's something I'm scared of that they will eventually want to live with him when they are older or just want to be with him more. It'll make me feel bad to know that after so much effort they would choose him.

But at the same time it shouldnt be only when he feels like it. Or he want to be a parent. I feel like he wants me to comply to his conditons and let him take them when he wants or when it's convenient to him but yet when he doesn't ask for them is when he's out enjoy his life and his kids don't cross his mind.

Am I wrong for thinking this way?

[maew]

He always tells me when I don't let him have our kids. It's time I'm taking away from him and when our kids grow up that they will resent me for not letting them have time with him.

It's something I'm scared of that they will eventually want to live with him when they are older or just want to be with him more. It'll make me feel bad to know that after so much effort they would choose him.

 

You are not wrong to think or feel those things, those feelings are normal for a person in your situation.

 

I am not going to sugar coat this... it might happen that they will want to live with their dad, and that as much of a loving and supportive mother as you were, they will still want to see what it's like to live with him. And it will hurt like a *&%^. And he might be a jerk about it. But know this... if you keep doing what you are doing, and continue to be the loving and supportive mom that you are, they will 100% appreciate you and what you did for them.

 

If you are supportive from your side, and support their time with their dad, then eventually they will see him for his true colors... although my hope for you and your family is that at some point he will let go of resentment and step up his game so his kids don't have to go through this.

[AAvr1315]

That is one of my fear that reality I know could happen. But for him to rub it in my face that it will be my future hurts. I try to be supportive. I know at times I feel overwhelmed but I am trying to put in the effort to be supportive to them and even with him. I would try and let him have them to spend time with him. But at the same time if I'm letting him take them and he's just using it to incorporate the girl into our kids life seems unfair to me. That time he should be spending with them he's using to push her into our kids lives for his benefit.

I don't think I'll be able to do that push my kids towards someone just cuz I want them in my life to be happy with another person.

[boltnrun]

How did the meeting with the attorney go?

[AAvr1315]

It went well. Just stated what everyone on here and everyone in my family tells me to do. And I did file the papers. Now I just wait.

I'm actually scared, of what's to come from that now. If he will call me up and just tell me horrible things, will he just flip put and we won't see or talk to each other, or will he disapeare completely. I know he will not take the news good.

I'm feeling dumb to still think I shouldnt have because what "IF" things do end up falling into place and the family i wanted does happen. I mean not now not near future but eventually down the road.I know I shouldn't and it's not something that could happen. It really hard.

[boltnrun]

But he still needs to financially support his children. And if he's trying to integrate the new girlfriend into the kids' lives, it's even more important to get a legal agreement into place.

 

You absolutely did the right thing.

 

If he gets angry about having to support his own children...why would you want him anyway?

[AAvr1315]

Would the legal agreement even do anything to my ex including his new girl into our kids lives.

 

I know I'm too g to sound dumb. But I still love him. Have love for him. Care about him and want to be with him.