Need advice in unique situation

[Slavaka]

I really wasn't sure where to post this because there is more than one aspect.

 

What's going on:

Broke up with my fiancee of 8 yrs about a year ago and we still live together in separate bedrooms. She moved on and is now engaged to someone new whom she has introduced our children to but has never met me. He has never been to our house. It took me a long time to deal with my emotions and come to a point where I could move on myself. I had a lot of love for her. So I met someone through a dating site and went to meet her one night. As soon as I came home I was told that they would be moving out and that I would not be able to see our children anymore. I say our children because I have raised them and been in their lives since they were very little and I am the only father figure they have known. I'm not their biological father, so I could never have visitation rights if she decides to just not let me see them. This completely threw me into a panic and I spent a few hours trying to talk everything out with her. A few days later her brother stayed the night because he was drinking and couldn't drive home. She told me to just stay in her bed since she was out anyways. I figured no big deal so I did. She came back middle of the night and we ended up sleeping together for the first time in a year. It threw both of our emotions around and she expressed that is was the first time she had not been lonely and she realized that she still had feelings for me. I broke it off with the new person I was seeing and over the next few weeks I realized that it was only words and she continues to see her fiancee and became emotionless towards me again. It took some doing, but I finally got into a better emotional place. My biggest fear right now is that she can just take our kids out of my life. I feel like I have to make a choice of having s new relationship and losing them or stay single so I can be in their lives. A choice she doesn't have to make for herself. What will happen when she eventually gets married and moves away? I doubt her new husband would want me in their lives since I am not bio dad. I feel used and unhappy, and completely helpless. And to make matters worse she has convinced her fiancee that I am her brother and I am supposed to just keep my mouth shut and play along if I ever meet him. I just don't know what to do. I feel like either choice I make will hurt someone else, and I want more than anything to be in our kids lives.

[melancholy123]

Why on earth are you two still living in the same house? This makes no sense to me. She's lying to her fiancé about you being her brother! What's with that? Someone needs to move out and move on.

[DaisyMayPorter]

Why are you still living in the same house after a year of break up? Eek! Her relationship With her fiancé sounds screwed up. She just cheated on him, for one. And there’s got to be something that you can do in order to get visitation rights with the kids. Maybe consult a lawyer?

[Slavaka]

This reply is to both:

I know it's screwed up to still be living together after so long. I don't think I had been ready to move on until recently before everything else happened. It was just kind of a normal thing to live together after so many years. The main concern for me now is being able to see my kids. Legally, everything I have looked up tells me that since we were never married, and they are not my biological children that I don't have any options except her allowing me to see them. I don't want to be the second father figure to walk out on them, and I want to be able to find someone to have in my life also, but not seeing a way I can have both.

 

Melancholy, I would like to know what's up with the brother thing as well, but it seems like she is using the kids as a weapon on me now. Like if I say anything else, she would use it on me.

[glitterfingers]

This is a pretty unhealthy situation to be living in, but I understand you are attached to the kids and they probably need you in their lives. If they're not your kids and you were with your ex for 8 years, I assume they must be tweens/teens now. So they will likely speak up if you're not around, and their mother will know that it's important for you to be "there" (even on the outskirts of their lives). That said, nobody can control what your ex decides to do, and in most situations you have no rights with non-biological kids that you haven't adopted

 

I don't know what your financial situation is like, but at this point it looks like the best thing you can do to preserve the relationship with these kids is to offer to move out of the home. Your ex is very clearly trying to move on with her life, and even though this suggestion might sting both of you at first, you can explain that you want to give her the space she needs and also keep the waters calm enough that you can continue to play a role in the kids' lives moving forward.

 

In order to make that work, you need to accept that this relationship is over. Living together and seeing her and the kids all the time is only going to prolong your pain and denial. You need to accept that sooner or later she, and they, will build a life in which you have very little to do with them. Their attention and energy will be pulled elsewhere. You need to let yourself explore new relationships as well, and maybe find someone with whom you can create a family of your own, one that will be there permanently.

 

I understand you feel a great personal responsibility towards these kids, and that is a credit to your character. But at some point you also need to be able to let go, and let them live the life that will be determined for them - and a lot of that is to do with their mother's decisions, unfortunately. You can only do so much. Not stirring the waters is probably the safest option

[Slavaka]

Thank you glitterfingers, that was very helpful.

[Wiseman2]

What was the break-up about? Why did you never get married? Do you co-own the house or is it your house or her house? Why did you live as roommates for a year? Unfortunately even though you were in the kid's lives, they have a bio-dad and possibly a new step dad.

I was told that they would be moving out. She came back middle of the night and we ended up sleeping together for the first time in a year. What will happen when she eventually gets married and moves away?