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Self sabotage and now I'm confused...


madwoman4354

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There is a bit of history behind this, we met 5 months ago, and things got intense quickly, which scared me, he asked for us to be "official" even though we were already exclusive and this scared me, i told him no because i was not ready (secretly because i was scared) as i had been single for 2 years since coming out of a 5 year relationship. We continued, and i put my guard up and started self sabotaging the relationship, causing issues, picking fights etc. this blew up about 2 times, until i realized i was messing everything i actually wanted up. So i did a 180 and changed everything, for which he is grateful for (or so he says) he asked for me to be more open, tell him how i feel, not to sweat the small stuff etc etc. i have given him everything and he has put his walls up and now gives me nothing in return, when i say nothing i mean none of what he expects from me.

 

Since then i have brought up the "official" thing again, and he said things need to be good first, but he uses the "i call you my girlfriend anyway" to ease out of it..

 

He doesn't compliments me, and says he doesn't because he thinks i always look amazing, and therefore it doesn't enter his mind, he does talk about his feelings, but will tell me he loves me.

 

He dedicates a lot of the little spare time he has to me, and is affectionate physically. Am i crazy for expecting a bit more? because he's made me feel that way.

 

I'm trying to hard for someone to give them all they want, and he has said I'm making him happy and he hasn't been happier, but i'm miserable, and i've told him i am, but i cant communicate with him without him jumping on the defence because of my prior mistakes earlier on (self sabotage)

 

I'm stuck and don't know what to do, I've realized my mistakes but can't keep paying for them and him keeping his walls up

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His walls up how? Has he slacked off? Being snarky?

He does still show you affection & does give you his time.

 

If you are miserable, then maybe being involved is just too much for you at this time. ( saying you've been 2 yrs single after a split).

 

What i mean by his walls up, he used to be extremely expressive about how he feels, and lay it all out on the table, now he is more reserved and closed off, and he admits to this. Slacked off? potentially, the only effort he makes, is to actually see me, which is a massive effort but that not the only area where he should be putting effort into.

 

I'm solely miserable because i cant seem to get anything from him in terms of showing me he wants this (me), and i know he can because he did, i'm moreso miserable because i don't know where i stand with him, he tells me he wants this but most of his actions show he isn't really phased.

 

talking lately seems to just get him on the defence as mentioned, so i don't know how to get him to stop being defensive and listen to me

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You pushed him away, now expect him to open up again? He now may never trust you after what you've done. A guy did that then messaged me 3 months later begging to see me, I said no. Go slow and see what happens, he may never trust you to open up again.

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Yeah, if you've pushed him away a bit you really need to give him time- and no pressures to come around again.

Don't beg n plead.. dont bother him.

Give him time on his own to figure all of this out. If no pressures he could very well come around again, should you be that important to him.

One thing they dont like is pressures. But time.. and sometimes they need time on their own for a bit.

 

So, slow down with expectations and keep it low.. friendship like and see if he comes back to himself again.

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Yeah, if you've pushed him away a bit you really need to give him time- and no pressures to come around again.

Don't beg n plead.. dont bother him.

Give him time on his own to figure all of this out. If no pressures he could very well come around again, should you be that important to him.

One thing they dont like is pressures. But time.. and sometimes they need time on their own for a bit.

 

So, slow down with expectations and keep it low.. friendship like and see if he comes back to himself again.

 

I have slowed down with expectations, i haven't been nagging him or bugging him about any of it for a while now, just kind of going along with whatever it is, and seeing if anything changes. Just all the doubt in my own mind has gotten too much.

 

There's only so long you can sit there and give him what he wants, to only be met by a brick wall until you run out of energy

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You know, guys communicate differently than girls, and I'm not exactly sure what you want him to do to reassure you. He gives you all his free time. He says he loves you. He's affectionate. In guy-speak, he seems to be showing you he loves you and wants you. What is it you want? Guys don't like to repeat themselves. What feelings do you want him to share? We don't sit around all day thinking about our feelings. Guys are doers and problem fixers. We just get things don't and we don't sit around worrying about thing. So what are looking for?

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I have slowed down with expectations, i haven't been nagging him or bugging him about any of it for a while now, just kind of going along with whatever it is, and seeing if anything changes. Just all the doubt in my own mind has gotten too much.

 

There's only so long you can sit there and give him what he wants, to only be met by a brick wall until you run out of energy

 

And that is probably exactly what he's been thinking this whole time about you, OP.

 

Cut the guy a little slack. He's been pushed away for months, so you have to understand that he is likely now a bit afraid of rejection by you too. This is often what happens when one person is too closed-off - the other person changes their behaviour as a means of protecting their heart, too.

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I honestly don't see this relationship forming into anything more than what is is already. There is just too much drama. Too much pushing away and then trying to pull back. You are right that you are not ready for a relationship and should be spending time alone figuring out why this is all happening.

 

Does not the fact that he has been there through everything you have thrown at him at least prove that he wants to be there?

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There's only so long you can sit there and give him what he wants, to only be met by a brick wall ...

 

^^In his mind, he's most likely thinking "why change what's obviously working? For *him*!!

 

When he was attentive, open and expressive, "you" were uncertain of your feelings for him, "scared" and putting up walls.

 

Now that he's stepped back a bit, not so giving, "you" are crazy about him, practically begging to be "official," and doing most of the giving!

 

Please think about that.

 

In healthy relationships, there is a balance of give and take.. Not one person (you) doing all (or most of) the giving and the other (him) doing all the taking.

 

It's like a dance and should be fun! Not filled with anxiety and uncertainly like you're feeling now, and like HE was feeling when you first started dating.

 

I would suggest you stop "giving" so much and maintain some boundaries.

 

Stop pushing to be official.

 

Do NOT discuss any of this with him, just do it.

 

When you see him, have NO attitude, be happy, enthusiastic, have a great time, even great sex, but stop discussing your "relationship," pushing for more and let it play out organically.

 

Stop being so available and start doing your own thing. Again, no attitude, you want to send the message that while you enjoy spending time with him and are obviously attracted, you will NOT fall to pieces if it ends either.

 

You are an independent girl with her own life. THAT's the message you want to send via your *actions.*

 

None of this putting up walls or being "scared." That's so high school, lol.

 

If he's like most guys, he will wonder why the switch, which will increase his attraction, start giving more (on his own from his heart) and may kick up his game and ask *you* to be official!

 

Or at the very least, he will start pulling his weight making for a much more balanced relationship.

 

If not, then it's done.

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^^In his mind, he's most likely thinking "why change what's obviously working? For *him*!!

 

When he was attentive, open and expressive, "you" were uncertain of your feelings for him, "scared" and putting up walls.

 

Now that he's stepped back a bit, not so giving, "you" are crazy about him, practically begging to be "official," and doing most of the giving!

 

Please think about that.

 

In healthy relationships, there is a balance of give and take.. Not one person (you) doing all (or most of) the giving and the other (him) doing all the taking.

 

It's like a dance and should be fun! Not filled with anxiety and uncertainly like you're feeling now, and like HE was feeling when you first started dating.

 

I would suggest you stop "giving" so much and maintain some boundaries.

 

Stop pushing to be official.

 

Do NOT discuss any of this with him, just do it.

 

When you see him, have NO attitude, be happy, enthusiastic, have a great time, even great sex, but stop discussing your "relationship," pushing for more and let it play out organically.

 

Stop being so available and start doing your own thing. Again, no attitude, you want to send the message that while you enjoy spending time with him and are obviously attracted, you will NOT fall to pieces if it ends either.

 

You are an independent girl with her own life. THAT's the message you want to send via your *actions.*

 

None of this putting up walls or being "scared." That's so high school, lol.

 

If he's like most guys, he will wonder why the switch, which will increase his attraction, start giving more (on his own from his heart) and may kick up his game and ask *you* to be official!

 

Or at the very least, he will start pulling his weight making for a much more balanced relationship.

 

If not, then it's done.

 

That's exactly what i have done as of recently, I haven't asked about what we are or what this is, and I've stopped giving as much. He has noticed this and asked what's wrong, to which my response is "nothing's wrong" because nothing is wrong, i simply wont live my life filled with anxiety.

 

I'm not scared, maybe that was the wrong word, I'm just cautious.

 

Only time will tell now i suppose, but then it begs the question is how long is too long to see if he is willing to start pulling his weight?

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5 mos of dating is to get to know each other have fun doing so, etc. This is a lot of drama for such a short period? Why do you keep telling him you're miserable no matter what he does? Remember that dating is to get to know someone, it's not therapy or to fix whatever issues you've left unresolved from any previous relationships. I'm not sure anyone would want to stay with someone who keeps complaining that they are miserable. He's not responsible for your happiness.

I'm trying to hard for someone to give them all they want, and he has said I'm making him happy and he hasn't been happier, but i'm miserable, and i've told him i am, but i cant communicate with him without him jumping on the defence because of my prior mistakes earlier on
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I think you were sensing something was off because it moved too quickly. You are not wrong to feel this. You did things subconsciously to slow it down, but the alternative would be to tell him to slow down which chances are he would take it as you aren't interested and it would end. Don't worry trust your gut

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