Am I being too controlling in my relationship?

[anonjoy]

I'm seventeen and I have been with my boyfriend for a year. Our relationship is probably about as serious as it can be at such a young age, and I definitely wouldn't compare it to a fully adult relationship. This is probably partly due to physical restrictions, such as living with our parents, being unable to drive, being financially constricted etc. There are definitely also emotional restrictions (I'd say especially more so with myself) which make our relationship perhaps slightly more withdrawn from the relationship that is considered normal.

However, a major issue arises in relation to my boyfriend's parents. We're both still in full-time education, in our final years of A-Levels, and personally, I need to achieve high grades in my exams for University entrance. My boyfriend is in the same position too, but he works nowhere near as hard as I do, and it sometimes really puts a strain on our relationship. However, this is worsened by his parents, who always seem to get offended when I don't visit their house for a couple of months or don't attend family events. I had never thought of this as a big deal, after all, my boyfriend and I see each other regularly at college and frankly, we're not married. Therefore, our lives aren't completely merged and we still very much have separate family/ friend obligations. This isn't to say that I never make any effort. I try to see them as regularly as I can, I always try and attend events for immediate families (such as birthdays) and I even went away with his family for a few nights last summer, but all of the efforts that I make seem to just get forgotten. Similarly, both my boyfriend and his parents seem to forget that my boyfriend doesn't come to events for my family either. He missed both my brother and my dad's birthdays, and he didn't even buy either of them a card or wish them a happy birthday. It was his mum's birthday around the same time, and I made sure she had a card in time and contributed a large amount of money towards buying her a present alongside my boyfriend. I also went out with his family to celebrate.

I'll admit, I do avoid attending events with his extended family. I have met them a few times, but I suffer quite badly with social anxiety so things like this can be really challenging and difficult for me. I just can't help feeling that I don't really know them, so going to their birthday events or weddings just feels wrong. There is also the feeling that spending time with his extended family makes our relationship serious, and frankly I don't think that I feel mature for it yet. I empathise with why this could cause upset, but surely it's unfair to always expect me to always go above and beyond when considering all of these factors.

I could really do with some advice, I don't dislike his parents, family or friends. In fact, they've always been really nice to me, but when I'm not there, I know that they make comments about these things as my boyfriend tells me (I don't think he realises that I take offence) which makes me upset and more stressed than I already am from school. I can't help but feel like they forget that we're not married and are both still really young, especially as his parents are older and are a really close couple. I don't want to cause offence, but I equally don't want to completely sacrifice my own life, work and happiness. Please help.

[ThatwasThen]

Print out your opening post and give a copy to your boyfriend. Then discuss.

[melancholy123]

I think you should attend events with his family when it works for you, in other words, keep doing what you are doing. You are making what sounds like a decent effort and you are right, you aren't married to him, and you are still only 17, so you dont need to go to everything that is happening.

[maew]

If your boyfriend or his parents aren’t understanding or supportive of your lifestyle then just remember, at 17, you have your whole life and many many other options when it comes to dating. The right person will not expect you to give up on your dreams and goals to be in a relationship with them. Stay strong!

[DancingFool]

You can't please people who don't want to be pleased and that's pretty much what you have going on here. Your only defense when dealing with these types of people is to actually accept the fact that they are happy being unhappy and let go of any notions that you can ever really please them. Basically, don't even try. From what you describe, sounds like his parents are needy, attached at the hip type people and that's actually a red flag. It's likely your bf will turn out the same in the end, and even if he is different, his family is part of the package and they will suck the life out of you.

 

Keep your boundaries, stay focused on doing what you need to be doing with your life. This is really a growth lesson for you and a lesson on keeping your boundaries, doing what you can and letting go of what you can't. Most importantly, don't let them affect you. They are in the wrong, not you, in this case.

[indea08]

I think you seem like a very intelligent young lady, and you're treating your relationship appropriately for your age group. Shame on your boyfriends parents for pressuring you to be more serious about a boy when you're so young. I would explain everything you just explained to us, to your boyfriend, and if he still pressures you, it's time to cut him loose. Never let anyone pressure you into anything.

 

You've got your priorities straight, and I will be over the moon if my daughter grows up to have your mindset. Keep grinding and stay focused, and everything else will come together at the right time.

[anonjoy]

I think you seem like a very intelligent young lady, and you're treating your relationship appropriately for your age group. Shame on your boyfriends parents for pressuring you to be more serious about a boy when you're so young. I would explain everything you just explained to us, to your boyfriend, and if he still pressures you, it's time to cut him loose. Never let anyone pressure you into anything.

 

You've got your priorities straight, and I will be over the moon if my daughter grows up to have your mindset. Keep grinding and stay focused, and everything else will come together at the right time.

 

Thank you for your really lovely comment- it made me smile. Sometimes I find it really hard to know whether I'm behaving in the right way, and I guess that that is a skill that comes with age, but your advice made me feel much more assured. Thank you again.

[ThatwasThen]

Keep grinding and stay focused, and everything else will come together at the right time.

Made me laugh considering your other thread about this guy was about not feeling like you want to have sex with him.

 

I think you're not emotionally mature enough to be in a relationship right now and since you're going off to college and don't want to act like you're in a committed relationship (part of a committed relationship is being included in and considered in one's partners family plans) it would just be in your best interests to break up with him and attend college as a single.

 

If you don't get over your social anxiety then you might consider seeing a therapist. Your university tuition will cover sessions.

 

Good luck.

[Snny]

For a 17 year old, you seem very mature for your age. You are not in the wrong here and should not be pressured to attend all family functions - especially since you are not married.

 

I am also wondering if it’s his parents who are complaining here...

 

... or your boyfriend who had the problem and is using his parents as scapegoats?