Trying to fix an Age-Gap, Marriage Mistake

[abitbroken]

Yes, it is possible to be addicted to second hand smoke just like getting a contact high is possible. Okay- everyone has their own kink but i don't think wheeling around her oxygen tank in a few years because she smoked her lungs out is sexy - but whatevs.

 

What i really think you should address with the therapist is why on earth you jumped into such a quickie marriage with Mary. If something is right, it won't suffer and will only get stronger with waiting a little bit. Its like you wanted to spite your mother or something and wanted to cast mom as the bad guy/doubter and wanted to keep that inner dialogue about her so strongly. I mean - ANY mother would be concerned that her son acted too hastily whether you married a woman your age, an 18 year old or senior citizen. Also your want to "rescue" Mary.

[ThatwasThen]

She smokes two packs a day, just like my mother does, and I pay for them

Your are an enabler. I hope you address that with your therapist.

[slimv]

Yesterday was a great day. I come here this morning and talk about raining on someone’s parade. I have a “kink”, and I’m an “enabler”. My choice of a wife shows “spite” to my mother rather than flattery. And I basically married my wife to “rescue” her.

 

Attitudes are contagious, and I think that’s one reason why therapists exist. I wouldn’t say I agree with all the labels above, but I can understand how some people would make them for me and I understand I have to deal with the way that makes me feel.

 

I’m one of those people who believe advice, judgement, and comments should be geared to whether something is before the fact or after the fact. In my case, it’s after the fact. I’ve been married for close to three months.

 

I’m also a person who tries to comprehend complicated and overwhelming situations by taking them down to their smallest denominator and finding a comparable but much simpler situation. I apply the answer from the simple equation to the one that is more complicated. That’s the mathematical accountant in me. For example, Did I “rescue” my wife? The simple equation would be that I know a guy who rescued a dog from a shelter. A year later, he says the dog rescued him. People aren’t dogs and dogs aren’t people, but I can take that simple example or analogy and apply it to my more complicated situation.

 

I’m not rich, but I make pretty good money and I’m financially comfortable. Mary’s financial situation was the opposite of mine with no hope for improvement without outside intervention, so I definitely “rescued” her, but I feel like she rescued me.

 

As I was saying, we are married, so this is all after the fact. I can’t go back in time and undo things that have already happened, and quite frankly, I don’t want to undo them. Therapy is about improving a current situation. It’s not about going back in time and changing something that can’t be changed or feeling bad about something that has already happened. This should be productive rather than destructive.

 

I pat myself on the back, not for the things I’ve done, but for recognizing that I want to make the best of my current situation. I hope therapy improves the quality of my life.

 

This isn’t about “if you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all”. Criticism can be just as helpful as praise if handled correctly. I appreciate all thoughts and comments of any flavor or variety, because what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, and believe me when I say I want some thicker skin.

[Jibralta]

Don't forget, it's only judgment, not fact. Other people's judgment doesn't automatically equal good judgment. You can override it with your own judgment.

[slimv]

Meeting my therapist and talking to her was phenomenal. I really like her a lot. Our appointment was supposed to be for one hour, but she talked with me for almost two. Believe me when I say I went there hoping to be in and out in less than 30 minutes. She did a great job of making me feel comfortable and if anyone is questioning the value of seeing a therapist, my session was money and time well spent!

 

I went to the session prepared to discuss my mother issues, and we discussed them in length. I told her a lot more than I expected to tell her, but it was as if she already knew. I didn’t tell her anything that surprised her, but I did tell her things about my mom and my dad that surprised me! I don’t have any hidden memories or anything like that. But I discovered that I have a lot of resentment toward my mother, even though I love and respect her. I never really focused on my resentments because I always believed she had my best interest at heart and she did. But she was overbearing and over protective because of my speech impediment and she was trying to protect me from bullies and bad influences. She just went overboard. I’ve always known it affected me. However, I didn’t understand how deeply it affected me.

 

I forgot who said it in the forum, but someone said I was trying to spite my mother by marrying my wife. That comment bothered me because I didn’t believe it. But after yesterday, I’m starting to see there’s a lot of truth in that comment. It’s painful, but it’s also enlightening.

 

I kind of thought therapy would be going through the motions because I went into it believing I knew everything about myself that makes me tick. I just wanted help living with who I am and what I want. After yesterday, I realized I’ve just been staring at the tip of the iceberg.

 

The posts I wrote in this forum gave my therapist a good idea of what I’m dealing with, because they were fair and honest reflections of my feelings, but they were still kind of shallow and not in-depth. However, they made for a great starting place and got the ball rolling. She suggested that I continue writing because it helps me work through my thoughts and cement them. I’m going to try to break up the topics of my thoughts in sections or else it will just get long and overwhelming.

 

The therapy session wasn’t a one and done thing. I’m going back and she’s also going to see Mary. I like how she gave me an outline or a table of contents of the issues I’m dealing with. It gave me a sense of the individual components and how they come together.

 

Therapy can be more than learning to live with who I am and what I’ve done. It can also shape my future and my relationships with my parents and my wife in a way that my wife and I are both comfortable with. For this to work, it can’t be all about me and all about what I need. My needs have to be balanced and compromised with Mary’s needs and values in order for our marriage to be happy and good for both of us.

 

I was surprised to learn that I have some father issues as well and it effects how I relate to my wife. By marrying a woman who is five years older than my mom, I have married into my parents’ generation and have technically become my father’s peer, but I’m nowhere close emotionally. She said it’s like a child who is trying to fill his father’s shoes, but my feet aren’t big enough. My therapist explained that I’m conflicted between BEING like my father so that I can become a husband to Mary and live in their generation or choosing between my birth mother and Mary to decide who will be my “Mom”. Yeah, that’s some pretty heady stuff. But its also kind of liberating to understand what I’m looking at.

[Jibralta]

I'm so glad that this was a positive experience for you. I've been through extensive therapy myself, and I experienced how awesome the discovery process is. It sounds like you are really going to benefit from this.

[slimv]

Thanks Jibralta. Therapy is an eye opener and it can be a life changer. Or it can be a look at things that could have been. Mary has her first appointment tomorrow. The therapist wants to see if we can have common and shared goals about our marriage, without trying to influence her answers. Our direction needs to be mutual or else we'll kind of run in place without getting anywhere. But, I'd rather run in place with her than go somewhere without her.

[Jibralta]

It's a good sign that Mary is going. Some partners would avoid it. Don't forget that you are the final judge on your common and shared goals.

[slimv]

Several of you told me it was possible that I was addicted to second-hand smoke. I didn’t believe that, but my therapist confirmed what you said, which explains my physical agitation while I’m at work and the relief I feel when I’m around Mary while she smokes.

 

My therapist spent a great deal of time explaining my emotional attraction to smoking and the options I have for dealing with them. The conversation started because of one of the letters I wrote on this forum. As it turns out, these feelings are a cornerstone of my emotional infrastructure. She said it’s the taboo that all my other taboos are built upon.

 

Both my parents are smokers, but I grew up fixated on my mother’s smoking. I don’t have any memories of breast feeding, but I’ve seen old photographs of me as a baby breast feeding while my mom was smoking cigarettes. I remember seeing those pictures when I was young, and I remember them as a teenager. I haven’t seen them in many years. They’re either lost or they were thrown away. Either way, I remember them well and I talked to the therapist about them.

 

Childhood ideas and thoughts are supposed to run their course and evolve with us as we mature. My therapist told me that my mother inadvertently stunted this process in me and created a taboo because she repressed my normal childhood curiosity and attraction. She compared it to fanatical religious beliefs that are instilled in children at a young age and are reinforced into adulthood. These minds are difficult to change by debate or personal witness. The beliefs become a core value.

 

If my mother hadn’t brought me up the way she did, my childhood interest would have run its natural course. I might have tried smoking and decided it wasn’t for me. Or I might have started smoking and became more like my father.

 

My therapist read back a paragraph from one of my letters that basically said I’m still curious about smoking but I’m afraid to pursue that curiosity. She asked me point blank if I want to start smoking and become a smoker like Mary and my parents. The question felt like a punch to the head and I almost blacked out. I’m not exaggerating. I got dizzy and almost fell out of my chair, but I admitted that I really do want to start smoking and I always have, but my fear of disappointing my mother held me back as a child. My fear of not looking the part held me back as a young man. And now that Mary has pretty much become a second mother to me, I’m afraid of disappointing her. It was difficult for me to admit to my therapist that I really do want to take up smoking because it goes against everything I was taught to believe- the core values instilled into me by mother.

 

My three therapeutic options are as follows:

 

1) Do nothing and leave the smoking for the real grownups like Mary and my parents.

2) Start smoking and hide it like a kid from Mary and my parents.

3) Start smoking like an adult (my father) and take my place among the other adults (my new peer group).

 

Option 1 is the easiest and that’s what I’m doing now. And that’s why I feel more like Mary’s son than her husband. Cuddling with her in bed while she smokes gives me a sense of peace and wellbeing. It also relieves my physical addiction to second-hand smoke. She really is smoking for both of us. I don’t know how she will feel about that, but I suspect it will bother her.

 

My warm and fuzzy feelings toward Mary’s smoking isn’t anything new to me. I know my feelings are directly related to my mother and the therapist confirmed that. The addiction concept was new, but it makes sense. The therapist wants to help me become comfortable with my feelings because they’re not going away. However, talking about the motherly aspect of Mary’s smoking led to another conflict I feel.

 

I told my therapist that I’m sexually attracted to Mary when she smokes. I’m attracted to her and think she’s beautiful, regardless of anything, but I think she looks even sexier when she smokes. It doesn’t matter if she’s dressed nice for church or if she’s dressed nice for bed.

 

My therapist and I talked about fetishes, both smoking fetishes and age-related fetishes. I have a difficult time wearing either of those labels. To me, those labels seem perverted. She told me not to get hung up on the label part and just focus on my feelings, but its hard to separate those things.

 

In the meantime, while I’m trying to balance my feelings and find acceptance with myself, she strongly suggested that I let Mary know that I think she looks pretty when she smokes. She said that hearing compliments will build her confidence while easing the transition for whatever happens next.

 

I tried it when I got home that night and my therapist was right. Mary wasn’t offended like I thought she might be. She took the compliment as a compliment. It made her very happy. Chalk one up for the therapist.

 

I do understand I’m dealing with a taboo that my mother created for me. Plain and simple, bad girls smoke. Bad girls are sexy. And mothers don’t want their sons associating with bad girls. The contradiction for me is that my mother smokes but she’s not a bad girl and neither is my wife. They are both good women.

 

My therapist explained that my personality has always strived for my mother’s approval and now I’m striving for Mary’s approval…and I’m trying to get approval from both of them at the same time, kind of like serving two bosses and making neither of them happy.

 

My choosing an older woman who smokes was my way of choosing a bad girl that my mother would approve of. I understand that, and it makes sense on paper but not in real life because Mary is not who my mother would choose for me if she could choose. And basically, she chose my first wife. She didn’t choose my first wife, but I chose her based on my mother’s criteria and it was a complete failure.

 

Getting back to Option 1, the only way I can make this option work better is if I choose my wife over my mother. And in order to make this work, we’d probably have to sell our house and move further way from my parents.

 

Option 2 isn’t really an option for me. I don’t want to start smoking and sneak behind Mary’s back. That’s just not good.

 

Option 3 has the privilege of being physically unhealthy as well as emotionally healthy. It is the one I would choose if I had the nerve to go through with it. However, in order for any changes to work, Mary and I need to be on the same page. Knowing her as I do, I think she’d have a cow if I were to start smoking. However, that’s one of the reasons my therapist wants to see her Friday, so she can feel her out without committing me to something that would be destructive to our marriage.

 

I know this post is crazy-long. It will probably disturb or bore most people who read it, but it was good for me to write it down. Happy Easter everyone.

[abitbroken]

Get another therapist. If a therapist outwardly encourages you to do a destructive behavior (taking recreational drugs, smoking, drinking if you are an alcoholic or have liver disease, sex with strangers, driving off a cliff) you need to walk the other way. This is not ethical.

 

Childhood ideas and thoughts are supposed to run their course and evolve with us as we mature. My therapist told me that my mother inadvertently stunted this process in me and created a taboo because she repressed my normal childhood curiosity and attraction. She compared it to fanatical religious beliefs that are instilled in children at a young age and are reinforced into adulthood. These minds are difficult to change by debate or personal witness. The beliefs become a core value.

 

Another therapist "blaming the mom". its a classic go-to. A mom protecting her kids is not stunting them. So my mom was stunting me when she raved and ranted about us going close to the busy street or about catching reptiles and bringing them in the house?

 

And you blame mom for your first wife, too. If mom said "meet a woman who makes her own income, has a similar faith, doesn't have major diseases" you can still pick the wrong one on your own.

 

Find a therapist that does not "blame mom" but holds you accountable for your OWN choices.

[reinventmyself]

I think the connection with smoking is mere peripheral issue. I hope your therapist comes up with more than just wanting a cigarette as an explanation.

 

Honestly, there seems to something more other than not being breast fed and smoking that is the underlining cause of your preferences.

That and trying to live up to our parents expectations.

 

Because you are not much unlike most of us that grew up in the 60's, where our mothers drank and smoke throughout their pregnancies (My mom still smokes)

 

I'll just assume your therapist is just getting started and there is something more substantial to the cause. At the same time I understand everyone's experience and how they are shaped by it is different, but there just seems to be something more to this. And I don't pretend to know what it is.

 

I admire that you are eager and open to figuring this out. Try not to get stuck on the small things and be open to bigger picture.