Controlling and hypocritical boyfriend?

[Seal19]

My bf (Welsh) and I (Polish) have been dating for almost 1.5 years now, we met during our first year of uni. I'm Polish, he's Welsh, and we're living together in London. We've both made friends in uni, and I've befriended the whopping number of 2 guys (and a couple of girls too, obv but they're not the 'problem'). He will throw massive tantrums if I'm talking to them in any way. This applies to any of my guy mates I've known even before I met him. I would never cheat on him, he says he trusts me, but constantly accuses me of flirting and cheating..? I have nothing to hide and don't mind him reading my messages and if they're in Polish I'm happy to translate and even though all of the conversations are 100% casual and innocent, he's always having a go at me.

He has a couple of girl mates himself and I'm not worried about him being unfaithful, so him keeping in touch with them is fine by me. But what bugs me is that he keeps calling them 'babe', 'hun' or 'love' and the amount of xs and heart emojis is quite overwhelming.

Another issue is me hanging out with my friends- when we're visiting my family in Poland, I just want a good catch up with my besties whom I haven't seen in months. But he always tags along and makes the whole thing about himself, complains how uncomfortable and excluded he feels and we often have to cut it short because he wants to go back to mine. I know that for him being in a country where people speak a foreign language can be difficult, but I'm not forcing him to follow me everywhere, quite the contrary actually, but he won't leave my side regardless, which makes me and my friends a bit uncomfortable.

When we're visiting his hometown it's quite a different story - he almost never takes me out when he's seeing his pals, he says he'll be home in an hour and is gone for 4, doesn't warn that he'll be late so it's just me, worrying and stuck in the house with his mum. Then he comes home and serves me some bs explanations and excuses.

Why is he restricting me so much when I'm giving him the reasonable amount of space and freedom?

Or am I in the wrong? I don't know anymore, I'm confused and frustrated, talking to him about it only results in him being either dismissive or furious. Any advice, ladies?

[DanZee]

Yeah, you're dealing someone who is emotionally abusive. If you Google this term, you will be able to read much more on this topic. He is trying to control and manipulate you and one of the first signs is accusing you of cheating, thinking of cheating, or flirting with other people. The next sign is trying to isolate you from your friends and family. You're seeing this as he complains when you talk to anyone at school and he finds a way to cut short your visits to Poland by pulling a tantrum, and also keeping you alone when you go to Wales where he doesn't allow you to go out with his mates. There's a lot more to emotional abuse and I hope you will read more about it.

 

You're 1.5 years in on the relationship, and it's starting to wear on you. That's why you're confused and frustrated with him, and he's tearing away at your self confidence and is making you emotionally dependent on him. (You should look that term up too.) What happens is his bad behavior and his arguments will increase until you decide to back down and just let him do what he wants to do. Many times, it leads to cheating because he has gotten you use to him coming home late or starts to not come home at all. I'm afraid you should be thinking of dropping this guy. You sound too nice and friendly to be stuck with an emotionally abusive guy.

[Sub servant]

It won't get better girl, these men want to isolate & control you have you all to their self, for you to put that down your no longer happy. Are you stuck with him for accommodation? It's 1.5 years a stepping stone it gives you the experience and self knowledge that your worth more than this. I'd say use your friends & leave or tell him.

[Jibralta]

Honestly, the way you've phrased your whole post sounds to me like you just don't like your boyfriend.

 

The tantrums are silly, especially if he has female friends of his own. Have you said anything to him about the pet names and the emojis? You should.

 

As for the issue when he comes to Poland with you: I understand his side of things more than yours. If you want to hang out with your friends, don't bring him to Poland. What's he supposed to do when you're gone? Not everyone is comfortable wandering around a country when they don't speak the language. Comparing his experience in Poland to your experience in Britain doesn't make sense, as you speak both English and Polish and thus do not face the same challenges in England as he does in Poland.

[Wiseman2]

Why are you living together after dating only 1.5 years? He's controlling. The answer is to move out.

Why is he restricting me so much when I'm giving him the reasonable amount of space and freedom?

[Lost 73]

So let me get this straight you take him to another country and ditch him to go out with friends? why did you bring him then? I find that disrespectful what would you have him do while you are out and about sit there twiddle his thumbs? of course you should include him in those outings.

 

Just sounds like the both of you very immature, you complain he don't trust you with guy friends and then you complain about him how he talks to his girl friends using those terms in England is pretty common. just sounds like you both need to move on. Everything your complaining about him as you're doing the same thing. girls tend to look one sided but everything you said he does you do as well. but big difference you speak English he don't speak polish. time for you both to move on

[macdonner]

Yeah, you're dealing someone who is emotionally abusive. If you Google this term, you will be able to read much more on this topic. He is trying to control and manipulate you and one of the first signs is accusing you of cheating, thinking of cheating, or flirting with other people. The next sign is trying to isolate you from your friends and family. You're seeing this as he complains when you talk to anyone at school and he finds a way to cut short your visits to Poland by pulling a tantrum, and also keeping you alone when you go to Wales where he doesn't allow you to go out with his mates. There's a lot more to emotional abuse and I hope you will read more about it.

 

You're 1.5 years in on the relationship, and it's starting to wear on you. That's why you're confused and frustrated with him, and he's tearing away at your self confidence and is making you emotionally dependent on him. (You should look that term up too.) What happens is his bad behavior and his arguments will increase until you decide to back down and just let him do what he wants to do. Many times, it leads to cheating because he has gotten you use to him coming home late or starts to not come home at all. I'm afraid you should be thinking of dropping this guy. You sound too nice and friendly to be stuck with an emotionally abusive guy.

 

 

Agree with this 110%. Having been dumped last year after 20 years together and 2 kids, this is how it starts. Tt will not get better, no matter how much you think it will/want to try/want to help him change/change yourself. The double standards, hypocrisy, sense of power and & entitlement they think they have and the sheer volume of ballsiness these types of people have is amazing. You have only lost 1.5 years, do yourself a favour and get out and live your life the way you want to NOW. There are much better people out there for you to fall in love with.

[Hollyj]

This will get worse. He is a hypocrite and sounds horrible!

 

He is a controlling manipulative, insecure man. Why have you allowed him to read your messages? You are part of the problem.

 

You need to dump this emotionally abusive guy, and instill some boundaries in your life!

 

You should have ended this long ago. Expect more for yourself!

[Hollyj]

So let me get this straight you take him to another country and ditch him to go out with friends? why did you bring him then? I find that disrespectful what would you have him do while you are out and about sit there twiddle his thumbs? of course you should include him in those outings.

 

Just sounds like the both of you very immature, you complain he don't trust you with guy friends and then you complain about him how he talks to his girl friends using those terms in England is pretty common. just sounds like you both need to move on. Everything your complaining about him as you're doing the same thing. girls tend to look one sided but everything you said he does you do as well. but big difference you speak English he don't speak polish. time for you both to move on

 

Huh? He can flirt with girls, yet she cannot have male friends. Really?

[Lost 73]

Huh? He can flirt with girls, yet she cannot have male friends. Really?

 

Not what I said at all, I am saying she cant complain if she's doing the same thing talking to the opposite sex. She brings him to a country he don't know ditches him you think that's right? and in England those terms are not always romantic but common daily terms.

 

If its good for her, its good for him. No double standards

[Hollyj]

She never said that she was flirting in any capacity. he does not want her to have contact with any men. Yet, it okay for him to flirt with other girls.

 

Does not matter if they are "common terms." he does not want her to do what he is doing. No double standards.

 

"He will throw massive tantrums if I'm talking to them in any way."

"keeps calling them 'babe', 'hun' or 'love' and the amount of xs and heart emojis is quite overwhelming."

 

How is this the same? I can't imagine how he would react, if she called her male friends"babe."

[Lost 73]

semantics, do you think a person is going to admit their own faults? I mean the HUGE red flag for me is she takes him to Poland he don't know the language and expect him to just sit around while she goes out. you don't see an issue with that?

 

Just seems to me BOTH of them are not doing healthy things in the relationship and that's the issue. I don't like it when ladies gang up on guys when facts are facts just as many women cheat as men. In some studies more,

[Hollyj]

I have been to Poland, and did not have an issue with the locals.

 

I agree that she should not expect for him to be on his own, but he should not be pulling her away from friend time when they are all together.

[Lost 73]

I have been to Poland, and did not have an issue with the locals.

 

I agree that she should not expect for him to be on his own, but he should not be pulling her away from friend time when they are all together.

 

She should include him in everything in another country. If someone I was with brought me to another country and then expected me to sit around or entertain myself while they went off. I would be on the plane home and she would be looking for a new place to live. that is just totally rude and uncalled for. You introduce your SO to your friends and do things as a couple. If made to feel like a third wheel and pretty much told your not wanted there I can understand why he would bring focus to himself. Just saying

[Coolstorybro]

Not what I said at all, I am saying she cant complain if she's doing the same thing talking to the opposite sex.

Your reading comprehension is amazing. He is accusing her of cheating because she has male friends. Show me where she is doing the same.

[Lost 73]

Your reading comprehension is amazing. He is accusing her of cheating because she has male friends. Show me where she is doing the same.

 

 

her words He has a couple of girl mates himself and I'm not worried about him being unfaithful, so him keeping in touch with them is fine by me. But what bugs me is that he keeps calling them 'babe', 'hun' or 'love' and the amount of xs and heart emojis is quite overwhelming.

[Lost 73]

Your reading comprehension is amazing. He is accusing her of cheating because she has male friends. Show me where she is doing the same.

 

What about the taking to another country and ditching? that a issue?

[indea08]

Honestly OP, he sounds like a big childish baby. As easy as it would be to condemn him for it, he is who he is and I personally believe you are responsible because you've allowed it. If he wants to throw a fit because his girlfriend has guy friends, let him b*th at some other girl.

 

You've allowed him to read your messages. You've allowed him to force you to leave your friends early. You've allowed him to behave how he likes yet you follow his BS rules. Why would you allow someone else to run your life like this? He's not your parent, and yet you let him boss you around.

 

Be a woman and assert your independence. Tell him if he has an issue with you having male friends, he can find himself a girlfriend who's willing to avoid interactions with half of the world's population. Not your problem.

[Seal19]

I can see some of you think it's unfair for me to drag him to Poland - I'm not. He won't let me go there by myself because he doesn't want to feel lonely and thinks that I'll go back to all of my exes, cheat, have more fun than him and whatnot.

At an earlier stage of the relationship I went home for Christmas by myself, he flew in 9 days later for a week (I had my tickets booked prior, he bought his in late November).But during those 9 days he constantly (and I honestly mean constantly) wanted to be on video call with me, didn't matter what I was doing, where I was, with whom or what time it was. I couldn't even enjoy a family dinner because of the interruptions, numerous texts and calls. If I didn't answer for 5 minutes, he was being really nasty and rude.

It's natural to miss your partner when they're gone, I miss him a lot when he's going home for a day (medical reasons) and I'm staying in London, but I'm not being crazy about it. He messages me when he gets there, we talk once, (sometimes maybe twice) on video call and he usually stays the night and comes back the next day.

Yes, I know, 1-2 days and 9 is a big difference, but it started from literally the minute I landed till the minute I picked him up from the airport. So I'm either signing myself up for this if I'm not taking him with me (or he's joining me later) or he's coming with me and I can't even go to a corner shop alone. And btw, my family speaks English and they get along quite well, so if I should be fine with hours spent with his mom on a daily, I don't think 30 minutes with them would kill him. Plus my friends speak English with him as well when we hang out...

[Lost 73]

then you know what you need to do. bye bye lose him

[Hollyj]

She should include him in everything in another country. If someone I was with brought me to another country and then expected me to sit around or entertain myself while they went off. I would be on the plane home and she would be looking for a new place to live. that is just totally rude and uncalled for. You introduce your SO to your friends and do things as a couple. If made to feel like a third wheel and pretty much told your not wanted there I can understand why he would bring focus to himself. Just saying

 

That Is exactly what I stated in my second paragraph. I suggest you reread

[Hollyj]

semantics, do you think a person is going to admit their own faults? I mean the HUGE red flag for me is she takes him to Poland he don't know the language and expect him to just sit around while she goes out. you don't see an issue with that?

 

Just seems to me BOTH of them are not doing healthy things in the relationship and that's the issue. I don't like it when ladies gang up on guys when facts are facts just as many women cheat as men. In some studies more,

 

How do you go to that extreme. No one was male bashing here! Unessessary!

[Hollyj]

I can see some of you think it's unfair for me to drag him to Poland - I'm not. He won't let me go there by myself because he doesn't want to feel lonely and thinks that I'll go back to all of my exes, cheat, have more fun than him and whatnot.

At an earlier stage of the relationship I went home for Christmas by myself, he flew in 9 days later for a week (I had my tickets booked prior, he bought his in late November).But during those 9 days he constantly (and I honestly mean constantly) wanted to be on video call with me, didn't matter what I was doing, where I was, with whom or what time it was. I couldn't even enjoy a family dinner because of the interruptions, numerous texts and calls. If I didn't answer for 5 minutes, he was being really nasty and rude.

It's natural to miss your partner when they're gone, I miss him a lot when he's going home for a day (medical reasons) and I'm staying in London, but I'm not being crazy about it. He messages me when he gets there, we talk once, (sometimes maybe twice) on video call and he usually stays the night and comes back the next day.

Yes, I know, 1-2 days and 9 is a big difference, but it started from literally the minute I landed till the minute I picked him up from the airport. So I'm either signing myself up for this if I'm not taking him with me (or he's joining me later) or he's coming with me and I can't even go to a corner shop alone. And btw, my family speaks English and they get along quite well, so if I should be fine with hours spent with his mom on a daily, I don't think 30 minutes with them would kill him. Plus my friends speak English with him as well when we hang out...

 

He won't let you? Aren't you an adult? Why do you allow any of this? I Can't understand why you have not dumped him?

 

Insecure, manipulative control freak= emotionally abusive .

[Jibralta]

I can see some of you think it's unfair for me to drag him to Poland - I'm not. He won't let me go there by myself because he doesn't want to feel lonely and thinks that I'll go back to all of my exes, cheat, have more fun than him and whatnot.

At an earlier stage of the relationship I went home for Christmas by myself, he flew in 9 days later for a week (I had my tickets booked prior, he bought his in late November).But during those 9 days he constantly (and I honestly mean constantly) wanted to be on video call with me, didn't matter what I was doing, where I was, with whom or what time it was. I couldn't even enjoy a family dinner because of the interruptions, numerous texts and calls. If I didn't answer for 5 minutes, he was being really nasty and rude.

It's natural to miss your partner when they're gone, I miss him a lot when he's going home for a day (medical reasons) and I'm staying in London, but I'm not being crazy about it. He messages me when he gets there, we talk once, (sometimes maybe twice) on video call and he usually stays the night and comes back the next day.

Yes, I know, 1-2 days and 9 is a big difference, but it started from literally the minute I landed till the minute I picked him up from the airport. So I'm either signing myself up for this if I'm not taking him with me (or he's joining me later) or he's coming with me and I can't even go to a corner shop alone. And btw, my family speaks English and they get along quite well, so if I should be fine with hours spent with his mom on a daily, I don't think 30 minutes with them would kill him. Plus my friends speak English with him as well when we hang out...

 

It sounds like this is a big case of who's right and who's wrong. There are a lot of petty little power struggles going on in this relationship. Sorry to be blunt but both of you guys need to grow up.