What should I do? ADVICE PLEASE!!

[Red88]

I'm 29 and my X is 32. We were never married. We were together 5yrs. In that small amount of time I've been able to accomplish quite a bit, some good, some bad. Me and my X met through an online dating site. We hit it off rather quick. I was 24 when we met, living in an extremely small town and needed an outlet. Sooo I signed up on an online dating app. One thing led to another and bam, she was driving 4hrs to come see me. A year prior to meeting me she had recently lost her previous spouse (never married) to a car crash, I found this out after the fact. Being the young spunky guy I was, I didn't even look at her profile details (just her pic), and bam it took off from there. She came and got me and the rest is history.

 

We started off great (as they all do) then things over time began to deteriorate over a period of 5 yrs. During our time together we had a total of 3 kids. I was young and made big decisions at a young age. Wreckless? Yes. Immature? Very, but I regret nothing believe it or not. We all have different paths in life, this was mine. She had a son from her previous relationship with her last spouse that died in the car crash I was talking about above. Again, I didn't read her profile just saw her pic., or I would have seen the red flags of emotionally dysfunctional. Actually that's what I know now, probably wouldn't have known it then. I don't think her having a son would of changed anything though. I always thought I was ready for anything and could tackle anything that came my way. Naïve? Very. Soon did I realize I opened a can of worms that spiraled out of control. Anyways, I ended up having my 3 kids with the X plus her son, so I was looking after 4 kids a majority of the time. I love everything that entails with being a father. Taking care of newborns, providing, etc. I took pride in being a father. I handled it rather well. I've been told I'm a great father, and I think so myself.

 

Ok so we move around and finally end up in the X's hometown. I know nobody. She has more cousins and family than you can shake a stick at. They're everywhere, I'm saying this because its her emotional support system that I lacked majorly. I had nobody. No friends, nothin. Just me and my kids. She moved into an apartment and I was not welcome to stay overnight, just come and go to see my kids, babysit, etc. I found a job and started working but it was only temp. I worked till this job was up, saved money, all the while I was living out of a hotel. I had no place to go and I darn sure wasn't leaving my kids, especially since my son was just diagnosed with cancer. I was there no matter what. The temp job I was working for ended and I soon was unemployed but actively still looking to seek employment. Everything was gravy up until she started seeing and talking to someone else. I was devastated, my world shattered and my heart sank. I did not see this coming. Compounded by her telling me things like "your kids like him" to "we had our first kiss" to "he's staying the night". I was a mess and I couldn't believe she was just throwing this in my face. She placed a restraining order on me while she was seeing this guy (I honestly think to prove to him that I wouldn't be a problem). I had no clue why she did this. Yes I called one night a few times in a row. That's it. Now I'm no saint but this was hurtful and mean, plus she was being extremely rude. I didn't know what to do. I am the kind of guy who flies off the handle when angry and I don't usually get angry but this had me boiling. I was losing my mind. I had to leave. So I packed my bags said goodbye to my kids and moved 8hrs away. I did it to clear my head, to heal, and to gain sanity. I have recently visited my kids after 1 month and I was devastated by how much they missed me. I wasn't expecting that. As I was leaving they both cried hard because they wanted to come with me. The guy was out of the picture when I visited apparently. He was a fling I guess you would say but she had high hopes of being with this guy and was sure throwing it in my face, but I'm sure they'll be more flings down the road so I've learned to accept this as a way of life.

 

I am torn on what to do . Move back? Stay here? Stay here till I get healed or healed enough to deal with this emotional brain damage that I'm incurring?

 

All responses are welcome for I am open to anything. Be blunt if you have to.

 

Red88

[DanZee]

I'm trying to get a handle on your story because you portray yourself as a saint in all of this, and she's the devil, but at the same time she did take a restraining order against you and apparently you weren't living with her. You accuse her of being "emotionally dysfunctional" but you don't give any examples, and you did have 3 kids with her. I mean, who's the crazy one here? And you didn't talk about trying to get custody of the kids or paying child support, so I'm guessing you're not as much of a saint as you think you are.

 

I would go out on a limb here and say you should leave this woman alone and unless you're suing for custody or visitation rights, you should just let her and her kids live their own lives. And you should think about any arguments you had with her and how you treated her and take what you learn on how to be a better man into your future relationships.

[musicman777]

I don't know pal, sounds like you got into a really, REALLY messy situation... that's why they say, take your time and get to know people well before marriage and/or kids. Maybe you thought you knew her, but the past is the past now.

 

I'm not sure what any of us can tell you... this post is getting into legal territory. The woman has a restraining order against you. I feel like there's part of this story missing with all of your post. My advice; talk to a lawyer. Get your act together and call a lawyer. I think you need to shelf any feelings and/or resentment you have for this woman and what she has done with you, and do what is right for your kids. If you wanna see them grow up and be a part of their lives, I think you need to act on legal grounds. I really wouldn't worry about moving, making major life decisions, etc. quite yet. You need a plan, first. And your kids have to be the focal part of that plan. Good luck.

[Wiseman2]

Excellent you moved. Do you have a job, friends, family, etc. there? You need to set up a visitation schedule to see your kids with the courts not just pop into town randomly. Are you paying child support?

She placed a restraining order on me I am the kind of guy who flies off the handle when angry. I packed my bags said goodbye to my kids and moved 8hrs away.I have recently visited my kids after 1 month and I was devastated by how much they missed me.

[MissCanuck]

I am confused:

 

Why did you not live together when you first moved to her hometown?

 

How did she manage to get a R.O. against you? On what grounds did the court grant this?

 

You need to provide more details; I feel like there is a lot missing.

[Red88]

DanZee

 

I am no saint. Trust me. I've made mistakes just like anyone does. Crazy, yes probably a little I will admit that. My situation is extremely crazy. I made big decisions at a young age. Very irresponsible and immature. I get it. We have a mutually agreement on visitations. She has stated she will not keep my kids from me. I send my kids more than what they need in child support each month. I help in numerous other ways as well ( dance classes, vehicle repairs, etc. ). I'm telling you the truth when I say do not and will not ever neglect my kids. Yes I do need to do some reflecting and see where I went wrong and learn from it.

B]The day before I came to visit my kids she dropped the restraining order. I had a third party arrangement set up to pick up and drop off. She dropped it the day before court hearing to much of my surprise.

I wrote this post in a hurry and didn't mean to exclude and parts to this puzzle. I truly wanna be open about my situation about anything, that way I can arrive at a factual conclusion on what is in my best interest. I do pay child support with a mutual agreement with the mother. I promise you I'm not dead beat dad. I love my kids dearly. The reason for posting this was to develop a plan to pick up the pieces and move forward in the best way. I'm not trying to demonize her in any way. We BOTH are good people caught in mess together, now just trying to move forward and recover.[/b] X is emotionally dysfunctional to a degree, I mean look at this mess. We both made it. I think its fair to say we both were and are still emotionally dysfunctional to a certain degree.[/b][/b][/b]

 

Musicman777

 

Yes, I was very foolish in the decisions that I made without prior thought. I agree and I appreciate your input. That was my thought as well, I need to sit back and develop a plan with my kids as the focal point. My thoughts were to live and work 8hrs away, heal, so when I do return I'm not stuck on where she is, or what she's doing, or whos she with. While spending time with my kids these thoughts kept racing through my head and I wasn't able to give my kids the 100% attention they deserve. I enjoyed every min I spent with them but I was so hurt at the same time knowing that I wont be able to see them full time and be there for them everyday. It truly is a hard pill to swallow. I'm working on shelving resentment and anger towards her each and everyday, keeping contact about the kids and kids only.

 

Wiseman2

 

Thank you for reinforcing my decision to move. Yes I moved 8hrs from kids to come live with my family and have a support system I was lacking in my X's hometown. I felt like it was the only way and I hate to say that because I love my kids dearly and with my son being sick, it made it that much harder leaving. It felt like I was not able to heal or moving forward. I just wasn't seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. The last thing I wanted was for this to happen. We speak almost daily with issues regarding the kids. The X did not just annihilate me out of her life. We still function together with the wellbeing of the kids as the main priority.

 

MissCanuck

 

When we first met we did live together. She was still living in the same house that her and her last spouse shared (before he died) . I moved her back to my hometown shortly after meeting where I was working at the time. We lived together for a majority of the 5yrs we were together. Sorry for the confusion . I know I left out some key details or wasn't clear on a few things. I hope I have provided some more clarity to this messy and semi complex issue. I'm going to make an appointment with a doctor today to see about medications for anxiety. Basically on the restraining order topic, she basically said that I tried calling her I think like 10 times in a panic (the same night she told me she was having another guy stay the night), I threatened to beat the dude up, and that I was bi-polar (which I am) and she didn't know what I would do. Yes, I went overboard a tad, but I lost it. She had her reasons to get the RO and I recognize them as valid. She decided not to pursue this and dropped the RO the day before the court hearing. That is my kids mom. I loved her and still do deeply. That probably is something Ill have to get over. It makes me so sad to think my kids will grow up without the family unit dynamic. I absolutely tears me apart. Plus, now being 8hrs away I feel even more lousy.

 

Thanks everyone who took there time to put in there input. Please continue. Be blunt, be completely honest and outspoken. I really am on a search clarity as it seems I cannot see clearly or think clearly and it shows throughout these past five years. I almost don't trust myself now on making big decisions on what's right for me. It seems every time I try to do what's best for me it backfires.

 

Thank you again everyone and have a great day!

 

Red88