Getting Back With My Ex

[crankshaft]

Thank you. I am trying but it is extremely difficult. As I type this out she is asleep on my lap on the couch. The kids do not know what is going on between us. We just talk when they are awake. I wish this was easier. I wish that I was able to shake these feelings I have for her. I don't think I ever will though. I feel like I would wait the rest of my life for her, and that is sad, but it's my reality right now.

[Stacks44]

Crankshaft, SweetGirl28 and BoltNRun are both giving you great advice here, and it's mostly correlating to the advice I gave you yesterday.

 

The more I hear you talk about this situation, the more it seems you need to back away and both of you need to sort out your feelings separately before you discuss reconciliation. There are no shortcuts in love and reconciliation.

[crankshaft]

I agree with you 100%. I am working on that. We have been together in one way or another for over a month. I need to be there for her and our daughters right now. My oldest comes home from treatment tomorrow and that is going to be emotional for us all. My ex has a lot going on in her life and aside from the feelings we have for eachother, I am genuinely concerned about her mental state.

[Stacks44]

I agree with you 100%. I am working on that. We have been together in one way or another for over a month. I need to be there for her and our daughters right now. My oldest comes home from treatment tomorrow and that is going to be emotional for us all. My ex has a lot going on in her life and aside from the feelings we have for eachother, I am genuinely concerned about her mental state.

 

I understand completely, and I know it feels like the right thing to do, but remember that relationships need to begin on solid footing. You cannot be happy in a relationship if you're not happy with yourself. A relationship cannot complete you or solve pre-existing negative moods/depression.

 

I've dated a couple of women that were not emotionally stable when we met. I thought it was noble to be their strength and support system while they got their feet under them. Both of them slowly recovered and became happy with themselves over time. When recovered, both of them left me. I was undoubtedly a rebound. The lesson I learned was that if I wanted a long term successful relationship it has to involve two people that come into it already complete, uninhibited, and fulfilled. We must both remain in this state for the relationship to continue, the second it changes, the relationship is likely to suffer and/or collapse.

 

Don't make excuses as to why you need to be there for her. If your end goal is friendship, then be there for her unconditionally. If your end goal is romance, realize that this is not the time. Allow her time to fix her issues and decide to come back when she's in the correct mind set to do so. One of my all time favorite gurus on this board was a guy named Zorba. His posts are worth a look, especially the ones on a thread about the psychology of rebound relationships.

[crankshaft]

I understand completely, and I know it feels like the right thing to do, but remember that relationships need to begin on solid footing. You cannot be happy in a relationship if you're not happy with yourself. A relationship cannot complete you or solve pre-existing negative moods/depression.

 

I've dated a couple of women that were not emotionally stable when we met. I thought it was noble to be their strength and support system while they got their feet under them. Both of them slowly recovered and became happy with themselves over time. When recovered, both of them left me. I was undoubtedly a rebound. The lesson I learned was that if I wanted a long term successful relationship it has to involve two people that come into it already complete, uninhibited, and fulfilled. We must both remain in this state for the relationship to continue, the second it changes, the relationship is likely to suffer and/or collapse.

 

Don't make excuses as to why you need to be there for her. If your end goal is friendship, then be there for her unconditionally. If your end goal is romance, realize that this is not the time. Allow her time to fix her issues and decide to come back when she's in the correct mind set to do so. One of my all time favorite gurus on this board was a guy named Zorba. His posts are worth a look, especially the ones on a thread about the psychology of rebound relationships.

That is some powerful stuff. Thank you very much.

[Stacks44]

Thanks, hopefully it helps. It sounds like you have a very solid chance of getting what you want if you play your cards correctly. I'm rooting for you!

[crankshaft]

Today's update. She went and had dinner with him to discuss the separation and divorce. It went about as well as it could. She came back here very emotional about it all. She is now asleep on the couch. I was talking with her about her conversation with him tonight and it seems like good progress was made in her situation. I was just trying to be there for her, but her and tell her everything will be ok. She was very resistant to any kind of touching by me. I wasn't trying to do anything with her, just comfort her. I do not think I will be able to do that for her right now. What should my next step be?

[SweetGirl28]

You can be there if she needs to vent I suppose, but don't let your own emotions get involved. Listen to her.

More listening than talking. She's going to be on an emotional roller coaster if she goes through with the divorce. You don't want to be in the position where she uses you to get through it, heals, and then moves on from you as well.

No intimacy, that you have to be strong about. She may have had sex with him while out for all you know, which is why she didn't want you touching her. Be careful with your own heart here. Not sure how this is going to end up for you :(

[crankshaft]

I understand what you are saying. I am listening to her and letting her vent. Her time if the month started last night while she was talking to him and she said that it made her that much more emotional. I do not believe that she had sex with him. She was a mess when she got to my house.

 

I am holding off on sex with her. As much as I want to, I know we both have to come into this with a clear mind. She wants the divorce and he accepted that. Even though she wants it, I know she needs time to mourn her marriage.

[Stacks44]

SweetGirl28 is 100% dead on. You are setting yourself up to be a rebound.

 

Lets all agree that a "rebound" person or relationship is one where someone with unresolved emotions jumps into something else to fill a void, or to avoid dealing with the negative emotions of a stressful situation. True rebound relationships never last long because at some point they stop idealizing you (idealization of another human is always a BAD BAD thing, think " on a pedestal" and the Kim Dynasty in North Korea.) When they stop idealizing you, the real you cannot live up to the hype. All of a sudden, they're forced to deal with the problem they ran from by rebounding, and time can worsen unresolved emotions drastically. (People that were abused physically or sexually as children have a very high rate of serious psychiatric issues even with proper mental health care.)

 

Complicating the issue is the fact that you were inserted into this situation at it's climax. There is a chance that the negative emotions she felt towards this situation and her husband will be reflected on to you. She may not see you as the supportive lover that helped her through a rough time, but as an opportunist that used her weakness as a means to force her into a relationship she decided she didn't want years ago.

 

I'm sorry that I'm being so negative in this thread. There's plenty of people that will give you positive thoughts and advice, but this part unfortunately needs to be said as well.

[crankshaft]

I totally understand what you are saying. In our defense, we both have regretted our divorce for a long time. We dated other people and did not want to hurt their feelings. I had pressure from my girlfriend to finish the divorce and she had pressure from him. I will just be here for her ad a friend. I will let her come to me and not push anything with her.

[SweetGirl28]

You worry me, lol. I say this because you keep wanting to justify your divorce from her. The past is the past, and that marraige you had once is dead. The only living part of it is the beautiful lives you created together(your children).

So going forward, you will both need to treat this as a new relationship, but only after she's divorced, spends a bit of time alone, and truly wants to try to reunite with you. She has way too many emotions wrapped up in her husband. If she felt nothing for him(which happens, believe me I emotionally detached from a relationship years prior to leaving it and had zero feelings so I was ready to start new) then I'd say differently. Don't chase, you will just push her away. But you know this.

So yes, let her come to you, but do not show weakness and pour your heart out. Be strong, confident, secure, happy, you have to realize to that part of attracting her back is being that person she was attracted to in the first place. Were you fun? Adventurous? Silly? Romantic? What was it? Try to recreate that, but not now!Just think about it :)

[crankshaft]

You worry me, lol. I say this because you keep wanting to justify your divorce from her. The past is the past, and that marraige you had once is dead. The only living part of it is the beautiful lives you created together(your children).

So going forward, you will both need to treat this as a new relationship, but only after she's divorced, spends a bit of time alone, and truly wants to try to reunite with you. She has way too many emotions wrapped up in her husband. If she felt nothing for him(which happens, believe me I emotionally detached from a relationship years prior to leaving it and had zero feelings so I was ready to start new) then I'd say differently. Don't chase, you will just push her away. But you know this.

So yes, let her come to you, but do not show weakness and pour your heart out. Be strong, confident, secure, happy, you have to realize to that part of attracting her back is being that person she was attracted to in the first place. Were you fun? Adventurous? Silly? Romantic? What was it? Try to recreate that, but not now!Just think about it :)

I am not trying to justify the divorce. I can see how it may seem that way. It is how I feel and she feels because of the conversations we have had.

 

I guess her problem is, and I don't think it is a problem is that she is a very compassionate person and never wants to see someone hurting. I am very much the same way. Even though I know I want a divorce from my current wife, today marks one month of separation by the way, I did not want to see her hurting because of it, even though I knew she would be in pain. That made it difficult but I did what I had to do for me and my daughter's. I emotionally detached from her months ago. I just have never been able to emotionally detach from my ex. She would call me hurting, and I would hurt because she was. He cheated on her 7 times in 3 years.

 

I think for now, for both her and I, it is about the kids because they are affected by all the changes the most. Especially with our oldest home now, she got released from the treatment facility today so that is one less stressor now.

 

I am a funny, adventurous guy, romantic as all get out and spontaneous. We share much of the same qualities, and her and I have always gotten along.

[SweetGirl28]

I'm glad your daughter is home, I hope all stays well.

I understand what you're saying, believe me. My first love and I have that same connection still, we just aren't together because I can't relocate to his state right now, and he won't come back here because he owns two businesses and homes and has his life there. I may go if I'm still single, and he is, in three years. All these years the love never died, it changed, but we are good friends and always will be, no matter what. We both married and divorced others, had kids with others. Didn't change our feelings. He visits me here and it's like no time passed between us. But the timing hasn't been right. So same as for you, bad timing. If this will work out, you need a great deal of patience, understanding, compassion(which you already possess). Nothing can be rushed. I hope it works out for you. Emotional connections are true connections, something that a mere physical connection can never take the place of. But I have to wonder if you were both so emotionally tied to one another, why the cheating? Men usually cheat for physical reasons, women more so for the emotional. And she has a pattern, as do you. You need to get to the root causes, I mean maybe you can be together and agree to an open relationship, I don't know. It works for some people. I could never do it, but it might be an option. But also I question the value she places in herself because staying with a man who cheats, and then she cheats, I mean where is her self esteem? Where is her mind at to put up with it and do it also? Cheating is really deep rooted and unless you can both understand why and resolve it, you'll struggle in a relationship should she decide to divorce and be with you.

[crankshaft]

I'm glad your daughter is home, I hope all stays well.

I understand what you're saying, believe me. My first love and I have that same connection still, we just aren't together because I can't relocate to his state right now, and he won't come back here because he owns two businesses and homes and has his life there. I may go if I'm still single, and he is, in three years. All these years the love never died, it changed, but we are good friends and always will be, no matter what. We both married and divorced others, had kids with others. Didn't change our feelings. He visits me here and it's like no time passed between us. But the timing hasn't been right. So same as for you, bad timing. If this will work out, you need a great deal of patience, understanding, compassion(which you already possess). Nothing can be rushed. I hope it works out for you. Emotional connections are true connections, something that a mere physical connection can never take the place of. But I have to wonder if you were both so emotionally tied to one another, why the cheating? Men usually cheat for physical reasons, women more so for the emotional. And she has a pattern, as do you. You need to get to the root causes, I mean maybe you can be together and agree to an open relationship, I don't know. It works for some people. I could never do it, but it might be an option. But also I question the value she places in herself because staying with a man who cheats, and then she cheats, I mean where is her self esteem? Where is her mind at to put up with it and do it also? Cheating is really deep rooted and unless you can both understand why and resolve it, you'll struggle in a relationship should she decide to divorce and be with you.

The emotional connection with her is deep. We were young, she was 18 and I was 21 when we married. We had 3 children before we knew it. The stress of that and still really being kids ourselves, we didn't know how to adult. We were both very immature. Our emotional connection is what has kept us close and we have always been physically attracted to eachother, so a month ago, I went to pick something up from her at work and it literally just happened. It wasn't planned out or anything.

 

I've learned a hard lesson living without her over the past 3 and a half years, so I can say 110% that I would never cheat on her again. She is an amazing woman, and an amazing mother. Her self esteem is low right now, she just found out last night that he did cheat on her 7 times, when she thought it was 5. He told her about some other women.

 

I do believe her when she says she wouldn't cheat again.

[SweetGirl28]

I honestly understand the cheating when so young, it happens. Not that it's right, or excusable, but it does seem to be common when young because the maturity level can be lacking. So......you know you won't cheat anymore, however you cheated on your current wife with her. She cheated on her husband with you. Do you think she will trust you? Everyone is in control of their own actions, her having low self esteem isn't going to make her commit to being faithful. She might surprise you, but she may just continue to seek validation from other men. Just be careful. You know yourself, you know you can commit to being faithful because you really feel you love her and want her back. She has to reach that same level. Just last night she was pushing you away physically, so all I'm saying is be careful. You have to do what's right for you, it's your life.

You can justify it by saying you cheated with each other though, which isn't as bad as cheating with others while you're both married to others, since you were married to one another at one time. But it's still cheating. So going forward, don't let the issue slide. Trust is difficult to gain back, and her husband cheating is going to scar her emotionally and leave her less trusting. I think this will be a big issue down the road, so be prepared to deal with it.

[MissCanuck]

Why on earth would you believe she wouldn't cheat on you again, OP? The best predictor of future behaviour is relevant past behaviour. And, well, her recent actions speak a lot louder than her words.

 

The woman is untrustworthy and dishonest. You know that better than anyone. She is not compassionate towards everyone - if that were true, she wouldn't have cheated with you. She would have exited her marriage first, because that is what truly compassionate people do. They don't take such big risks with other people's emotions. Also, I have a hunch she wouldn't have come crying to you if she hadn't also caught him cheating on her. In all likelihood, she'd still be playing footsie with you and going home to him at night.

 

I'm sorry to be the voice of dissent, but you are setting yourself up to get hurt here.

[boltnrun]

Wait, you are also still married?

[crankshaft]

I am currently separated and divorcing my wife.

[Stacks44]

Why on earth would you believe she wouldn't cheat on you again, OP? The best predictor of future behaviour is relevant past behaviour. And, well, her recent actions speak a lot louder than her words.

 

The woman is untrustworthy and dishonest. You know that better than anyone. She is not compassionate towards everyone - if that were true, she wouldn't have cheated with you. She would have exited her marriage first, because that is what truly compassionate people do. They don't take such big risks with other people's emotions. Also, I have a hunch she wouldn't have come crying to you if she hadn't also caught him cheating on her. In all likelihood, she'd still be playing footsie with you and going home to him at night.

 

I'm sorry to be the voice of dissent, but you are setting yourself up to get hurt here.

 

You're not the only voice of dissent here. I've been trying to warn him as well.

[crankshaft]

You're not the only voice of dissent here. I've been trying to warn him as well.

I appreciate all points of views and thoughts. It has all helped me. I have my guard up more and am not initiating anything with her. I am here as a friend right now as she goes through the full spectrum of emotions that she is feeling.

[SweetGirl28]

I appreciate all points of views and thoughts. It has all helped me. I have my guard up more and am not initiating anything with her. I am here as a friend right now as she goes through the full spectrum of emotions that she is feeling.

 

Keep it up, because just as men don't find neediness and weakness attractive, women don't either.

Neither sex has respect for anyone they can walk all over. She knows you want her, say no more and just listen.

Once both your divorces are settled,you can revisit being together at that time, not sooner. Good luck.

[crankshaft]

Keep it up, because just as men don't find neediness and weakness attractive, women don't either.

Neither sex has respect for anyone they can walk all over. She knows you want her, say no more and just listen.

Once both your divorces are settled,you can revisit being together at that time, not sooner. Good luck.

Thank you. I appreciate all the advice and insight you have given me. I find it extremely difficult to not express my emotions with her. Especially when she gets into her feels. We took the kids out to eat yesterday and she was grabbing my hand and rubbing my leg under the table. Not gonna lie, it felt so good that she did that, and I find it nearly impossible to tell her she can't express what she is feeling. I miss her. Now, I have curtailed me talking about my feelings but it is gonna take some work to stop it all together.

 

I know this is a long road. Divorces will not be finalized for another 6 months or so. He is moving out of their house at some point over the next week. I think she needs it so she can have space from him and me.

[crankshaft]

Keep it up, because just as men don't find neediness and weakness attractive, women don't either.

Neither sex has respect for anyone they can walk all over. She knows you want her, say no more and just listen.

Once both your divorces are settled,you can revisit being together at that time, not sooner. Good luck.

Thank you. Every day is different. Up until today it was that I would buy her house from her husband so that the kids would be comfortable and stay in their school district. It is a very good school district. Also, we don't want to uproot them because they are settled.

 

Today, she says she wants to move out and find a place on her own.

 

I got home from work, she took the day off. I got home and she pulled me into the kitchen to for a kiss.

 

Every moment is different. I told her no sex until divorces are final. We will still take our girls to dinner or do dinner at each other's houses. Just a stressful time. I tried to message you because I feel like I am going to need support from time to time throughout this, lol.

[SweetGirl28]

Awwww, you can msg me, I didn't get one though! You won't be the only one who contacted me behind the scenes lol.

Always post here before doing anything, it helps. Sometimes even seeing your situation in writing can help you gain perspective for yourself.

As I've said, be careful. It's good you told her no sex, you have to be strong to stick to that.

But if you make everything easy for her, she has no reason to move forward with anything. She can have both you

and him, and be content. Can you buy the house? That's a good idea. Why does she not want you to? Memories?

or she just doesn't want to involve you in it with her husband? I suppose he'd be pretty angry if you offered to do that.

I feel for your kids, I uprooted my daughter and it was very difficult. That's why I wont do it again until she's out of high school.