How long is too long to get in touch with an Ex????

[fulton1734]

Hello...

 

When I was 18-21, I had dated on and off with an amazing girl. Everything was absolutely great between the two of us, we loved each other, over and over..... but we were young and things just couldnt work out.....a few silly misunderstandings and a change to long-distance forced the relationship to fade away. I don't believe there were/are any hard feelings from the break-up, and for the past 5-6 years, she has always been in my mind. I have dated since, several times, and everyone is compared to her in my mind. I am now 25, and I have not seen or spoken to her in over 5 years. I had always hoped that we would bump into each other, or see each other through mutual friends....but it somehow never happenned. The closest I got to seeing her was seeing her pass by on a busy intersection in her car a couple of years ago. I told myself the other day that I honestly dont know if I will ever see her again, and it made me sick. I have since been thinking about getting in touch with her, even though I dont know how to go about doing so. I don't necessarily want to get back together with her, as it has been so long, and people change......and she could be married for all I know....but I just need to see her, and get her back in touch.

 

My question is, how long is too long to get back in touch with someone like this? Is it inappropriate to find her phone number and give her a call to say hello and to get back in touch? I am not the most outgoing person, and am a bit uncomfortble with the idea of doing this....although I so badly want to. I can no longer ignore my feelings for her that have been dwelling for the past 5 years. I have by no means been obsessed...it's just that I know she was important to me....but we were silly young people.....and my feelings for her wont ever change with time. So, is it ok to pursue her?.....to get in touch?.....or should i let fate decide if we bump into each other. We have several mutual friends, and I am sure if I wanted, I could get in touch.....but I dont know if 5 years is too long...and she may not want to bump into someone from her past. Can someone help me!

 

Thank you....

 

Thomas

[Mun]

I don't think you should let the time that has passed hold you back. I think you should try and find out if she is single. Get her number and just ring her up.. as casually as you can say you wanted to see how she was doing. Keep the conversation light and if it goes well ask her out for a cup of coffee--something like that. So you can see her and judge for yourself if there is still attraction there.

 

Maybe she has thought of you two, it's better to find out than to always wonder and not do a thing.

 

Best of luck !

[fulton1734]

Thanks! I suppose my only worry is that I have to kind of dig to get her contact info, as I cant find anything listed in the phone book, and would have to ring up a few people to get the info......and she may be put off by: how did he find me, and why is he calling? I don't think she would feel this way, but after 5 years, you never know. I dont even know if she lives in the state anymore...I have no idea whats going on. I just was unsure if this is a road I should travel, or if I was likely setting myself up for disaster. I have in a way been opening the doors to some rooms lately that I have not been in for awhile, and it is causing for some strange feelings....strong feelings.

 

I also left out a fairly large factor in this story....I have been dating someone for almost 3 years.......which makes going about getting in touch with her a bit more touchy.....but my current relationship is another story to assess!....I am not the happiest camper when it comes to my current relationship.....there isn't anything particularly wrong with it, I just dont feel anything anymore.....which perhaps explains my desire to finally go back and get Catherine....if it isnt too late!

 

Thanks again for your advice...I liked the quote.

 

Thomas

[chai714]

I agree with Muneca for the most part. Going through these mutual friends would be your best bet so that you don't look like you put in too much effort to track her down. You could also get the downlow on her current love life, if it exists. It's never too late to meet up with a friend from the past.

[DN]

I say do it - you have nothing lose and she will probably be flattered. Just be prepared for disappointment because she may be with someone else.

[heloladies21]

You never wanna live life wondering what if. That would be the worst feeling in the world. I would just get her # through a mutual friend and give her a ring. That would be fine.

[fulton1734]

Thanks guys....but what are your thoughts regarding the fact that I am currently in a 3 year relationship?......is this a bad idea?....as I have to be honest with myself....if things worked out with Catherine (the girl I am trying to get in touch with).....I would have a hard time saying no. So, is this a bad choice?.......or do you feel as though everything will work itself out as it happens?

 

I agree....I have regretted not seeing her for years..and i always kept her in the back of my mind.....and just recently, I opened myself up to fully thinking about her again..and I can't remember feeling so strongly......it hurt when I thought I may never see her again...i couldnt sleep for days. So, I to think I should do it......but when I ask my friends about her, and her story, they will wonder what I am up to...as they know I am in a current relationship.....(which they all tell me I shouldnt be in anyway!)

 

Wow, it seems i have more problems than I first thought......as I explain this......I begin to realize i have several issues to deal with.

 

Thanks again!

[fulton1734]

Does anyone think I am crazy for feeling this way about someone who I dated for a couple of summers when I was 19-21......and havent seen for 5 years?.......I feel as though there is always a place for her in my heart, even should i live to be 105 and never see her again, that wont change.......but I often dont think i should trust my heart....and listen to my brain...

 

Does anyone think I am being non-sensible? Or is it simply true that I cannot ignore my gut feeling and heart? I often think my gut and my heart are conspiring to mess with me....

[heloladies21]

Dude, you gotta give us the whole story or the advice you get is going to be skewed or incorrect. This might have more to do with your current relationship than your ex. You might want to take some time to think things over about your current. Ask for time and figure out how you really feel about her before you do anything.

[DN]

You are not crazy at all - what you feel is not at all unusual and I read an article a little while ago about how many people reconnect and form a relationship with their first love.

 

Obviously, you are not going to turn up with a ring and a marriage proposal - just do it lightly as a 'wondered how you are' thing.

[fulton1734]

Well, my feelings for Catherine have never changed.....for years....no matter who I have dated, or seen....my feelings for Catherine were always on top...even if they were in the back of my mind. So, I dont think my current relationship has much to do with it.....because nothing with Catherine has ever changed in the past 5-7 years.

 

My current situation is simple...we have been together almost 3 years now.....and we have never had any problems really, she is great to me, and she would do anything for me, and we have had just a very easy going 3 years together. The only reason I am unhappy, is not because she has done anything...its simply because I no longer feel anything towards her. I honestly feel like I am dating my sister half of the time....any feelings of...passion, or emotion, and anything from the heart is gone....she is just turned into my best friend, and nothing more....but we are still together. We have had to spend much of the three years living apart, as she is in med school in chicago.....and she is finally moving back to my city this summer.....and I don't think I can be with her because it will be obvious day to day that my feelings for her arent there.....

 

so it is hard..because i have someone who would do anything for me, she loves me....we never fight.....and we get along great, she is my best friend......but as far as from the heart, I dont feel anything towards her anymore......

 

 

 

I think I am level-headed enough to separate between my 7 years of feelings for catherine.......and what they mean to me....and whats going on in my current situation. I would not just leave my current girlfriend under the hopes I will get back together with catherine someday......but at the same time....knowing I have stronger feelings for someone from my past....should say a lot about what I should do with my current girlfriend.

 

I haven't thought about catherine too much in the past couple of years....and my issues with my current girlfriend have been going on for about a year now.....so i dont think there is a relationship between the two issues....

 

just a coincidence...but.....who knows.

[DN]

Sorry - take back all I said - I only just noticed the part about being in a relationship now!!

 

The proper order of doing this stuff:

 

1. Try to get the current relationship on track. Forget as best you can about the ex.

 

2. If you cannot, break up with her, but only after you have given it your best shot. Breakup as kindly and gently as you can.

 

3. After a suitable break to give yourself time to get readjusted, then you could call the ex.

 

Do not cheat on your current girlfriend, physically or emotionally - she doesn't deserve that.

[shockeddismayed]

Big time with DN.

 

You REALLY need to end things with your current girl first if the feelings are gone and you can't get them back. She might be thinking you are the one, meanwhile, you are leading her on and (maybe) wasting her time.

 

Whether or not Catherine comes back in the picture is reallly irrelevant at this point. First figure out the current relationship. If it is wrong for you, it is wrong whether you have an option with Catherine or not. You can't leap frog from one to the other.

 

Be very careful... if you call Catherine up, if things worked out the way your head/heart is hoping they will... what will happen when the current girl (now the ex) trys to win you back... Obviously you have A love for her... maybe not THE love that you need, but it will still be VERY confusing for her and for you during the immediate post breakup period. You've been together for 3 years... do you think EITHER of you will just be able to fade out of each other's lives without any sketchy, confused, passionate, and tumultuous period?

 

Do the honourable and safe thing first. Resolve the current relationship one way or another... allow a cooling off period... get yourself on SOLID ground and footing (ie deal with being alone and then RECOVER)... and then consider getting in touch with Catherine (by the way... once you are healthy and secure, there is NO reason why you shouldn't call her up for a coffee).

 

Good luck.

[Tulula]

I agree with shockedand dismayed, you should end the relationship with your current gf if the feelings are gone. Why string her along and have her believe that she means something to you, when she obviously doesn't.

Think of how hurt your current gf is going to be, if you pursue your ex before ending things with current gf, you find the sparks are still there and she thinks she is being dumped for your ex.........you are gonna spare her that extra hurt, if you finish things with her firstly before pursuing the ex.

 

In regard to the ex though, I'd say 'go for it' and regardless of the fact that five years have since passed! My 'first love' traced me via the web after ten years since we last saw each other and I was overjoyed to hear from him again. I suspect that if you ever meant anything to your ex, she will be overjoyed to hear from you too!

 

However, you gotta be prepared for the fact that your ex may now be happy in a relationship with another guy.........that will come as a disappointment to you if she is, specially when you have your hopes pinned on you two reconcilling it would seem.

 

When my ex emailed me out of the blue, first thing that went thru my mind was 'What does he want after all this time'?? That may well be one of the one of the first things that goes thru your ex's mind too. In my case however, my ex told me that he had got in touch because he had always wondered about me, he'd been curious all these years as to what had happened to me ( I moved long distance shortly after we broke up) and he also told me that he still cared for me because I'd been such an important and a huge part of his life at one time, which I had been - we'd been together for nine years before we broke up.

 

Things didn't work out how I'd wanted in my case. When we began emailing, my feelings for him came flooding back strongly and I was sooooo disappointed when he revealed he was now married with kids, yet he still asked to meet me and wanted to see me again. Because he was married I decided not to go ahead with our meeting, didn't want to become a 'homewrecker' and eventually the communication stopped between us.

 

I wish you luck anyhow. While things didn't work out as I'd hoped in my situation, they may work out in yours