Is My Boyfriend's Friend Attracted to Me?

[selbaj]

Hello everyone, I am new here and I have a question to ask you all. This may be a little longer thread, so thanks to anyone who reads it and helps me. :)

 

 

My boyfriend and I both have 24 years and we are 3 years in a healthy and loving relationship. When it comes to sex, we are really open. We love to try new things and talk about things that turn us on. We know that other people attract as, we just trust each other that it won't lead to something bigger. I would say that, overall, we have a healthy relationship and those things are not taboo. We both agree that, as a human being, you cannot control sometimes who will be appealing to you in some kind of way, but you can choose what do do about it or not do. P.S. We do not really say who attracts us, we just know that there can and sometimes will be someone appealing to us. :)

 

So, about his friend. Overall, I am close to all of his friends, we hug when we see each other and talk as if they were mine friends, they have really grown to my heart.

But this one friend (he is in top 3 of his friends, I guess), I would say that he is attracted to me. He is an average guy, I mean he is not ugly, but average, he is really smart, communicative likes to joke, etc. When he sees me, he hugs me really long, probably for about half a minute-minute, and with other friend's girlfriends it is just a regular, short hug. He smiles a lot when in my company, but you know that nervous smile. He is constantly touching his clothes and hair and cannot be still.

At first, I noticed those little signals and I started to find him appealing (maybe I did even before, but I did not think about it), but I pushed it away because, well it does not have to mean that he wants me, right?

Well, then he started to joke with me a little differently than with the other girls in our ''squad''. He started to give me those looks, you know, he tells me something and than stares in my eyes for really long, with ''that'' look. He always tries to find a way to be near me and always touches me (not in sexual way, but you know, ''spontaneuosly'', touch on the hand etc.). And all of that really turned me on, but still I was not sure if he is into me or am I imagining things.

 

So one night, we were celebrating something (it was two nights, actually, lol), and almost all the time he was sitting next to me, talking to me, he would 'accidentally' rub his shoulder against mine, or leg. Oh, did I mention that he has a girlfriend and she was there , too? I mean, we are all together for quite long, boys hang out for about 10 years and all of us , their girlfriends, are with them for 3-5 years, so no one is jelaous if someone hangs out, talks a lot and other things. When he was not sitting next to me, he would look at me from across the room. He always needs to be handed some things by me and it takes him a lot to take that thing from my hand, he does it really slowly while watching me in the eyes with ''that'' look.

And in one moment, he stood up and talked about something, so everyone was looking at him, he put his hand around my neck, from behind and started to ''choke'' it (I don't know the term for choking from behind, lol). I did not say anything, of course because well, everyone would notice and I kind of liked it. That lasted for about a minute and I really got turned on.

Later that night, I went to bedroom to rest a little and about 5 mins later, he came there too. We just talked, he lied in his bed and we talked about some stupid stuff, nothing happened at all, but it was wierd. Our friends teased us (because we tend to tease each other about well almost everything), but no one suspects anything, I guess, because we all know each other for quite long. And the next day, he accidentally called one other friend by my name.

 

Well, maybe they do notice, but they notice it more if they watch him than me - I mean, he is always the one to start those things around me. But that teasing was just for that part of him coming into the bedroom after me, nothing else, so I cannot be sure if they noticed other 'signals'. I know that I am confused.

 

Those things do not happen every time we are together (except our long hug and him being a little nervous), but other than that, he gives me these 'hints' in occassions when he thinks no one would notice (as far as I noticed), we can talk just like everyone else when we hang out, if you understand what I want to say.

 

And even though I do not have any intentions of being with him, it just pleases me to think that he is into me , because I am kind of into him to (I mean attracted to him, not emotionally). I cannot recall if my attraction towards him started before or after I started to suspect that he is into me, but still, it is there. I mean, you don't go around and choke everyone, right? lol

 

And I believe I answerd this question pretty much to myself, but still I am not sure if he is just nice and teasy, or he is really into me. And I really want to know, so I hope you can help me and that you understand what I wanted to say.

 

And I do not have intentions to start off something with him, it just feels good sometimes when you see that someone wants you, no matter how selfish that sounds, but it is like that. And in those moments he attracts me more than ever. When I am not around him, I do not tend to think about him a lot.

 

I would not risk my relationship just for a moment of passion, but sometimes that flirtation boosts my ego and I feel good and in that moment I do want him but that is where it stops.

 

Thank you for reading and I hope to hear your thoughts on this. :)

[Honeycomb8]

I don't think it matters? You have a bf and he has a gf, and unless you want to lose your bf and look bad in front of everyone else, you should watch your behaviour from now on.

 

 

No one should be able to write such a big thread about someone else.

[Wiseman2]

If you and your bf and his gf are cool with it, this is all it is:

sometimes that flirtation boosts my ego and I feel good and in that moment I do want him but that is where it stops.

[j.man]

Getting an ego boost from someone you're attracted to being attracted to you is one thing. Writing several paragraphs in detail about it is another. I'm not entirely convinced you wouldn't go for it if he presented the opportunity, and part of me thinks you're posting in hopes people will give weight to that fantasy.

[selbaj]

For Honeycomb8 :First of all, if you have read carefully, you would see that I said that my bf and I talk about things and people that turn us on, we do not use names or anything but just overall agree that it is normal to be attracted to someone other than your partner. What matters to us is that this attraction stays just that - we do not tolerate cheating. The thread is long because I wanted to give details to people who are reading it, so they can decide if I am right or not. I do not know how your relationships work, but I found out that mine is better when we share everything and if my bf does not judge me if from time to time someone looks appealing to me, you should not , too.

 

Because of that, you sound immature rather than me, because I already stated that is not an issue in my relationship and yet you are giving me advice I did not ask for.

Second, it does not matter in a way that I would leave my bf if I knew it was true or that I would cheat, I just want to know if I am right or not.

 

Thank you for your answer and please do not find yourself insulted.

[selbaj]

For j.man :Well, I wanted to explain in the best way I knew, I really did not know how to keep it short.

That were really not my intentions, I can fantasize myself quite well , I just wanted to hear other people's opinions if he is flirting with me or not. I am not denying that I am attracted to him, but not always. I am just not sure if I am imagining things or are they really there.

I have never cheated on my boyfriend or the ones before him, no matter how many oppurtunities I had and I surely would not cheat with his friend, but I just want to know and that is it. Thank you. :)

[selbaj]

You might be right, Wiseman2. :)

[DanZee]

Well, obviously he "likes" you, but I think he's going a bit too far. If this happened at a job he could be accused of creating a hostile workplace environment. I think it borders on sexual harassment. You might want to tell him to cut it out. It could lead to something unwelcomed in the future.

[rosephase]

Does it matter if you aren't going to act on it? YOU clearly think he is attracted to you. Why would strangers on the internet know better than the person who actually knows the guy?

 

And if you are sure it's all good with your boyfriend you should tell him that you have a crush on -this- guy.

 

And I agree that it's normal to be attracted to others even when you are in a relationship, that is why I'm not monogamous. And I think the feelings can be a bit different from "I have a thing for a guy and I think he likes me back" and "I have a thing for one of your best friends who I'm regularly in intimate contact with".

 

I think what Jman was pointing out is that you spending so much thought and time on this guy you might find that you are crossing a line. The best way to avoid crossing a line is to be up front with your partner about the attraction and remember that his relationship agreements might not be as open and yours.

[selbaj]

rosephase

 

Well, I would ask someone other but the thing is, people that now us both are either my boyfriend's friends or their girlfriends. I did talk to my friends about it, but they do not know him nor did they see us together and that is the main problem. So I decided to ask someone who knows neither me or him, to give me a more objective opinion.

 

I am sure it is good, but not when it comes to his friends. When we talk about e.g.threesomes, the third person is never one of our friends, so I assume it would bother him a little. But maybe I am wrong. I should ask him in a subtle way somehow about this topic.

 

And to be honest, I think I do not want anything more. If he conffessed to me that he is into me, I would probably turn him down and it would lead to a bad situation between us. But this way, I can enjoy this kind of attention sometimes and feel the thrills. I just wanted to know if I am maybe missinterpreting his signals, I do not want to look like a fool. So, yeah, I think I probably like it more this way. Ocassionally, we flirt with each other, feel good about it and that is it. No awkward and uneccessary situations.

 

And I agree with you, even though I am monogamous, feelings can be complicated sometimes.

[selbaj]

Well, obviously he "likes" you, but I think he's going a bit too far. If this happened at a job he could be accused of creating a hostile workplace environment. I think it borders on sexual harassment. You might want to tell him to cut it out. It could lead to something unwelcomed in the future.

 

Thank you for your concernes, but I do not think it is harassment. He probably noticed that I am attracted by his actions. even though he is the first to start flirting, I tend to flirt back a little. If I did not do that, he would stop, so I cannot blame it on him totally. But, of course, if he does something that I really do not like, I will tell him. Thank you again.

[MissCanuck]

You need to be very careful here, OP. Sure, there's some mutual attraction - but what's next?

 

There is a big difference between you and your boyfriend acknowledging you feel attracted to others sometimes and vaguely tossing around the idea of a threesome, and getting flirty with one of his closest friends who is not single either. You are attempting to justify this on the grounds that you are open and adventurous with your boyfriend, but you are forgetting that boundaries are important in any type of relationship. Even the non-monogamous couples I know have very openly talked about what they both find appropriate or not, and you don't appear to have had a similar conversation with your boyfriend. Unless and until that happens, you cannot assume to know he'd be okay with his buddy's behaviour with you and yours with him.

 

Your behaviour will soon be noticed by others. Sure, it's all teasing and in good fun now - but I can almost promise you that if you keep it up and keep testing the limits here, you're going to raise eyebrows in ways you don't want.

[selbaj]

MissCanuck

 

I know, I am aware that even though he might be lets say into threesomes, that does not mean he would do it with his friend. Just an example. And I agree with you, but I want to give it some more time, I think it will go away but if not, I surely have to tell my boyfriend about it and have an open conversation. Thank you. :)