She got to me

[RayRay63]

I know people are going to let me have it for this

 

Can't see the point in doing that. She had a couple of drinks, she's missed you at some level, she's not happy you aren't sitting on the reserves bench.

 

You said no to friendship, you refused to talk about the relationship, and you told her no trying to get her back - because she is bonking someone else. All good things to do. You also said didn't know if you could trust her - a message to her that if she wants you back she has work to do, you aren't waiting.

 

You may have been better saying no to your place, and talking somewhere else, public so no kissing. But it gave you the opportunity to not invite her to bed to emphasize your statements.

 

Now stick with the no contact.

 

BTW, if you read Zorba's long posts, you just made yourself considerably more attractive, not just to her, but more importantly to other ladies who might have been watching what was happening at the bar.

[11moreweeks]

You have to trust me when I say the conversation was sincere. I don't think she meant to manipulate me consciously. I do however think there is something she gets from me that maybe this other guy doesn't give her, just as there is something she gets from him that I don't give her.

I really like this statement. She gets something from one person and something from the other, but both are missing the other's "something" in her mind. Thanks for sharing that thought.

[jackofmany]

 

BTW, if you read Zorba's long posts, you just made yourself considerably more attractive, not just to her, but more importantly to other ladies who might have been watching what was happening at the bar.

 

I'm curious about this, but can't find Zorba with a simple search. Can you point me in that direction?

[RayRay63]

https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=199355&page=2&

 

start at the top, zorba's long posts are dotted throughout, e.g. #16

[jackofmany]

I really like this statement. She gets something from one person and something from the other, but both are missing the other's "something" in her mind. Thanks for sharing that thought.

 

Hey Thanks.

 

I appreciate you saying that. Just as a matter of being fair, I try to understand that when she said all the way back when we first broke up that she was confused and that she was in love with both of us in different ways, she was trying to say something really difficult and that she meant it. I know most people say she has been playing games with my feelings, and I have my moments where I think that too.

 

But the truth is never that simple. She is a complex human being just trying to make it through the world too. I know that. I get that. Even though she hurt me, what I try to do is understand. I read a quote from Thich naht Hanh the other day, "No blame, no reasoning, no argument, just understanding. If you understand, and you show that you understand, you can love, and the situation will change."

 

That doesn't mean I am unaware of the danger here, nor that I have completely gotten over everything. But it is where I want to end up. Pain is the risk you take when you open yourself up to love. I don't want bitterness in my heart just because I didn't get what I wanted.

[jackofmany]

https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=199355&page=2&

 

start at the top, zorba's long posts are dotted throughout, e.g. #16

 

I read those. I like the way that guy writes and thinks and I think he is pretty much spot on when it comes to how one goes about re-attracting an ex. I think the equally important questions, which he also emphasizes, is that it is incredibly important to ask yourself the question "do you really want that?"

 

I have gotten exes back in the past, more or less by behaving the way he outlined. Needless to say, I am not with any of them now, so there's that. Thanks for the insight.

[RayRay63]

she was in love with both of us in different ways

 

Unfortunately you are the one she wants to act like a girlfriend while you sit on the reserves bench.

 

Don't go there. Do what Zorba says. Even if its for the wrong reasons at the start.

[jackofmany]

Well, I can't say I've been playing this by the wise man's book, so I am going to update this, now that I've gone and gotten myself confused.

 

To put it simply, things escalated from where I left off. We continued to run into one another. Her texting become more frequent and overtly flirtatious. When I say overtly you'll have to trust me. It also became more direct. She talked about wanting to sleep next to me, etc . . .

 

We ran into each other here and there in the meantime. There was another make out session at a party. She wanted me to stay. I couldn't and left. Another night she wanted me to come over to her place and etc, etc, etc . . .

 

In all of that texting we agreed we should meet up sometime for coffee and a walk when there was no alcohol involved. To be honest, I was participating in all of this, but I was also a little nervous about where this could be heading and what kind of trouble it might represent, but it felt good in the moment, so I went with it.

 

I asked her for her schedule and she sent it to me and I picked Sunday as the day we should get together. She agreed.

 

And then -- I am skipping over a lot because I am trying to get help understanding something she said -- last night (Thursday) I got a text like this:

 

"Hey I've gotta work Sunday, they haven't changed my schedule yet, just found out. I feel like since every time we see each other its under spontaneous and drunk situations we should definitely try for another day. I want to apologize for the dunkenness and also say if it isn't obvious you mean a lot to me and I want to be the least ty version of myself possible. I'm also a bit nervous-- things feel high stakes with you -- not sure else how to put it."

 

This is after getting texts like, "I'm lying in bed naked and thinking of you," and some other gems.

 

I did reply.

 

I said, "I understand all of those things. I think it would be good to get together another day too, maybe take a walk around your new town or something simple like that. You don’t need to apologize for the drunkenness though. I haven’t exactly been teetotaling the times we’ve run into each other either, and it would be nice to spend some quality time without that in the way. Let me know when is good for you and we will make it work."

 

So I have two questions:

 

1) Does her text sound genuine to you (leave aside if this is all a good idea for the moment)? And what do you think that part about feeling nervous and like things are high stakes means? I am reading it like she is trying to dial back her advances.

 

2) What does my text come off like? I feel like I might be being too accommodating to someone who dumped me. No matter what happens, I don't want her thinking I am a doormat. At least during the NC, she wasn't afforded the luxury of me seeming too easy.

 

Her text came in around 10:30 last night. I replied around 11:30, and since then I have heard nothing. It is a drop off in the frequency of contact, as she had been contacting me a lot since that last exchange I mentioned in my previous post.

I haven't heard from her since.

 

One thing she and I have not addressed is the elephant in the room. What happened to the boyfriend?

 

I mean, if he is still in the picture, I have all the answers I need. I will ask her that when we talk. To say I am thinking about reconciling at this point is premature. There's a lot of ground to cover and a lot for me to think about. This was not something I expected and I'm not sure what she's up to. Maybe things were on the rocks with them and she needed to see if she could draw me out. Who knows?

 

I am wondering why I haven't heard from her and resisting the urge to pre-emptively cancel any future plans. If this is all happening to lead up to her trying to explain away her texts and actions of the last couple weeks, I will be upset. But I am in that deep already.

 

So what do you all think is going on? I know you will tell me stay away. Trust me, I know that. But how does it read to you?

 

If you were going to meet up with her and talk, how would you handle it?

[SweetGirl28]

Oh my. This story here, it's a hot mess with a hot mess of a girl. Literally, because you say she's gorgeous, and because she's a drunk and mental , and let's be honest here-----it's the 25 year age gap and the sex!!!!

 

Okay, just agree with me!! I'm smart like that :)

 

Now..... you are in a mess with the hot mess. Why? Because you chose to go there. How do you deal with this? By being honest with yourself of what your reasons are for being attracted to her, which tbh I think it's exciting for you.

 

This girl knows how to manipulate to keep interest. She's a player. She cheated on you. Do you enjoy the thought of her possibly giving you an std because she hasn't learned what faithful and committed means yet? If you ever decide to have sex with her, demand a test first.

 

Onward.....she's now feeling guilty and confused within because you've opened up and I guarantee you this BF is still current. Now she dug herself in a deep hole. What to do. Lie to you, or confess? Take a chance with you or not?

All these meet up when drinking are meaningless. You are right to meet under sober conditions if you do so again.

 

Words are just words, we all know this. Actions are proof. Why on earth you'd want to take a chance on this unhinged girl is beyond me, but hey it's your life. So you need to first make her come clean about the BF. Is he current or not? Next, you need to both curtail meet ups when drinking. Then you need to be direct. If you both want to be together, go slow and be cautious. I do NOT recommend you doing so. She's a young crazy hot ticket to nowhere for you.

 

Now you went and got wrapped up and panic over her slow texting. You now see how an ex will mind f*** you.

That's why it's best to not have contact until you've healed. I strongly recommend you not pursue this again.

I think you are just feeling this because you haven't healed and you haven't connected again with anyone.

Cheating is never acceptable. Especially given the age difference, she's apt to continue.

 

I have to wonder did you spoil her? Pay for her? Give her money?

[reinventmyself]

It was too hard to respond to without the back story. . so I clicked the link, read through that post - only to find out I needed to click another link to read the back story ~ to the back story

. .and then I got tired.

[SweetGirl28]

It was too hard to respond to without the back story. . so I clicked the link, read through that post - only to find out I needed to click another link to read the back story ~ to the back story

. .and then I got tired.

 

He's older than her by 25 years, they drink a lot, she cheated with a married man on him, and broke up. He started dating someone else, he wasn't over this girl but that ended because of several issues. He's in therapy for this girl and other things but still he's attracted to this girl who drunk texts and they have run ins and she's flirty and they kissed and here's my best summary: she's a tease!!!! And he loves her. Geez my punctuation sucked. Run on sentence. Sighhhhhhh

 

Sorry Jack! Did I do good? :)

[jackofmany]

I wouldn't say I spoiled her, maybe a little. I treated her well though. I mean, yes I paid for things. She did too, but less.

 

I feel kind of the same way, "She's a young crazy hot ticket to nowhere for you."

 

I have to say her timing was uncanny. I was just starting to get over it.

 

Some of why I went there was ego, I'll admit. To prove to myself that she was still attracted to me. It seemed like it would help.

 

Some of it was not that though. I think I wanted to believe something different, that she had come to here senses. Right, that's reasonable.

 

What I am experiencing now is anxiety over the idea that she may be playing games. If that BF has been in the picture all this time, I am going to be upset. I mean, it was several nights of asking me to sleep at her place, and me saying I couldn't.

 

I could just blatantly ask her, "Do you have a boyfriend?" and if she says anything other than a definitive no, cancel getting together.

 

Or I could wait to talk. I find the slow texting odd though.

 

Suddenly I am thinking she broke up with her dude . . . starting being direct with me . . . and then the break up maybe didn't quite take, so now she's backing off.

 

But who knows?

 

You insight is helpful, if difficult to swallow.

[jackofmany]

He's older than her by 25 years, they drink a lot, she cheated with a married man on him, and broke up. He started dating someone else, he wasn't over this girl but that ended because of several issues. He's in therapy for this girl and other things but still he's attracted to this girl who drunk texts and they have run ins and she's flirty and they kissed and here's my best summary: she's a tease!!!! And he loves her. Geez my punctuation sucked. Run on sentence. Sighhhhhhh

 

Sorry Jack! Did I do good? :)

 

Yes, you did good. I just want to comment on the age difference. I NEVER pursued this woman. Even this go round. She keeps starting it. I keep letting it happen. Oh plus it's 22 years, like that makes a difference. She's 28. I'm 50.

[SweetGirl28]

My honesty sucks, I know but I'm trying to keep you off the very clear path of destruction she's leading you down again.

 

Ok even if the BF is gone, she's rebounding and lonely. You know this.

 

Move on for your own sake and find a woman that is compatabile with you . If something causes you anxiety, somethings wrong. And whe it feels wrong, it is.

[SweetGirl28]

Yes, you did good. I just want to comment on the age difference. I NEVER pursued this woman. Even this go round. She keeps starting it. I keep letting it happen. Oh plus it's 22 years, like that makes a difference. She's 28. I'm 50.

 

Lol okay, close enough! Some girls like older men! A girl who is in hot pursuit of an older man has a motive.

And it's usually not good . Now look at the flip side here. You are 50. You can attract a younger woman, say 40.

She will have wisdom, knowledge, direction, and be more sexually experienced. Hopefully lol not everyone is all together but come on you're a grown man acting like a puppy dog on a leash led around waiting for her to stop walking you so that you can pee on a hydrant. Don't let her do this to you.

[jackofmany]

My honesty sucks, I know but I'm trying to keep you off the very clear path of destruction she's leading you down again.

 

Ok even if the BF is gone, she's rebounding and lonely. You know this.

 

Move on for your own sake and find a woman that is compatabile with you . If something causes you anxiety, somethings wrong. And whe it feels wrong, it is.

 

Would you just cancel?

 

How would you do it?

[jackofmany]

Lol okay, close enough! Some girls like older men! A girl who is in hot pursuit of an older man has a motive.

And it's usually not good . Now look at the flip side here. You are 50. You can attract a younger woman, say 40.

She will have wisdom, knowledge, direction, and be more sexually experienced. Hopefully lol not everyone is all together but come on you're a grown man acting like a puppy dog on a leash led around waiting for her to stop walking you so that you can pee on a hydrant. Don't let her do this to you.

 

Yeah, 40 sounds good. I mean, I'm not looking for a number actually. Anything age appropriate sounds good.

 

And that last sentence is kind of what I was wondering. Am I letting her do that, lead me around. I feel like I had been doing a good job not letting her do that. That bothers me to no end. I thought turning her down when she invited me over might mitigate against that. But if I've tipped my hand, and she feels like she can do with me what she pleases . . . grrrr.

 

What makes you say that? Is it that last message? I am trying to think of ways to take it back.

[SweetGirl28]

Would you just cancel?

 

How would you do it?

 

 

Me personally, yes. I'd be done with it. She cheated on you with a married man, it doesn't get much worse than that. She has no moral boundaries. I see no long term future here. Plus, it was four months, not love. Lust. Infatuation. Ego boost.

 

I'd call her and say you don't wish to pursue this due to her infidelity and you need trust in a relationship.

Leave it at that.

[SweetGirl28]

Yeah, 40 sounds good. I mean, I'm not looking for a number actually. Anything age appropriate sounds good.

 

And that last sentence is kind of what I was wondering. Am I letting her do that, lead me around. I feel like I had been doing a good job not letting her do that. That bothers me to no end. I thought turning her down when she invited me over might mitigate against that. But if I've tipped my hand, and she feels like she can do with me what she pleases . . . grrrr.

 

What makes you say that? Is it that last message? I am trying to think of ways to take it back.

 

You can't take it back. This isn't a game. You both said what you did, the only good part was you refusing her sexually. You kept your dignity intact. And don't think for a hot minute she isn't finding that a challenge. We don't like rejection. You have sex with her, you are her puppet on a hand string. And she knows it. It's clear she's having doubts. For all you know, she might meet up sober and tell you she doesn't want to pursue this except for friendship. You don't need a friend that young. Honestly, just move on.

[jackofmany]

You can't take it back. This isn't a game. You both said what you did, the only good part was you refusing her sexually. You kept your dignity intact. And don't think for a hot minute she isn't finding that a challenge. We don't like rejection. You have sex with her, you are her puppet on a hand string. And she knows it. It's clear she's having doubts. For all you know, she might meet up sober and tell you she doesn't want to pursue this except for friendship. You don't need a friend that young. Honestly, just move on.

 

Oh, that is what I am expecting. Her to meet up and try to dial things back to friendship. That is why I am thinking of taking the offer to meet up off the table. I am trying to salvage my pride.

 

You mean clear she's having doubts about what has been happening, right? That's why she's "nervous" and feels "stakes are high". I just want to make sure I'm interpreting you right. Is that what you are picking up on. Well, that and the fact that suddenly I am not hearing from her.

 

"Stakes are high" reads to me like setting the stage for exactly that conversation, saying we should be friends. And no, I don't need friends that age. That's true.

[SweetGirl28]

Oh, that is what I am expecting. Her to meet up and try to dial things back to friendship. That is why I am thinking of taking the offer to meet up off the table. I am trying to salvage my pride.

 

You mean clear she's having doubts about what has been happening, right? That's why she's "nervous" and feels "stakes are high". I just want to make sure I'm interpreting you right. Is that what you are picking up on. Well, that and the fact that suddenly I am not hearing from her.

 

"Stakes are high" reads to me like setting the stage for exactly that conversation, saying we should be friends. And no, I don't need friends that age. That's true.

 

 

YES!!! You got it now :)

 

I've done this. This is how I friend zone. I find whatever I can and I use it. It's a lead up to a letdown. Trust me.

[jackofmany]

YES!!! You got it now :)

 

I've done this. This is how I friend zone. I find whatever I can and I use it. It's a lead up to a letdown. Trust me.

 

Ugh. I'm mostly mad at myself. I shouldn't have even texted her back when she broke the date.

[jackofmany]

I think I am just going to send a text like this:

 

Something feels wrong to me here. I think I'm just going to put two and two together and cancel. You asked me the other night if I could ever trust you again. The answer is no, not after this. God help your poor boyfriend and thank God its not me. See you around.

[jackofmany]

Sorry to keep venting, but things are in motion. Right after I wrote that post, she texted back. I sent her a poem a week or so ago. That's not so odd. Poetry was one of the things we both liked. Anyway her text just said, "I love that poem you sent me so, so much. I can't get parts of it out of my mind."

 

No mention of getting together. Just a slide back toward breadcrumbing in my opinion.

 

Her timing, again, was impeccable, as I've been sitting here thinking about how to break all ties.

 

I think that text of hers is a stall tactic. Keep the communication going while she figures out how to dial things down. I think I have to get ahead of it.

 

Jesus. Thanks for listening.

 

It's this poem though. I love it too:

 

https://www.poemhunter.com/poem/centrifuge/

[RayRay63]

Don't send her anything.

 

If she does get in contact again, tell her you're not interested. You don't owe her an explanation.