Hold and cold?

[Rubysmalls1993]

So basically I met this guy on a dating site and everything was going really well, we had quite a few dates around 8 or 9 and have been speaking for nearly a month. We would talk everyday, he would message me in the morning and ask how I was every morning. We arranged to meet on Valentine's day last week and he promised me he wouldn't cancel but on the day he said someone had rang in sick at work and be couldn't make it. All of a sudden after this he started being really distant and now his morning texts get later and later everyday. I asked him the other day what was wrong and he just said he had a lot on with work etc. The past few days he has been distant but fairly talkative until today he didn't message me until the evening and only replied a few times. I have tried giving him space and being nice etc but he's been distant now for nearly a week. I am thinking the worst that he's not into me anymore but I don't know what to do whether to ask him or just keep giving him space? Last time we saw each other a week ago he was still lovely and there was nothing to suggest he wasn't into me anymore. He has just gone distant all of a sudden since when he was supposed to see me on Valentine's day so I really don't have a clue what is going on with him. Since he started being distant he will give me fast replies and ask what my plans are but then won't reply for 5 hours or even won't reply until the next day, i havent suggested meeting up as im taking it as hes not interested anymore but then i dont know whether me not suggesting is making him think im not into him anymore? I dont know whether he just texts for the sake of it now and so I'm being short with him but he's still being distant. This distance was all out of the blue it was going really well until he cancelled last Wednesday and all of a sudden he's become all distant randomly. I don't know whether I should suggest meeting or maybe be nice as I always wait for him to message me first so I don't know whether that's giving him the wrong message. He told me he's been cheated on before in the past when he did everything for his ex and she cheated on him and before he went distant he seemed genuinely nice compared to the others I've had before he was respectful etc so I don't know whether the fact he was cheated on is making him insecure etc and that's why he's stopped putting effort into me or whether it is that he's not interested anymore but I can't see how I could've made him loose interest. He also said last time we saw each other that he catches feelings quickly and easily and that he felt things had moved really quickly so I just don't know if he is genuine and maybe has ran off because he's scared due to his past and is waiting for me to put the work in or whether he is just using me?

Apologies for the essay lol

[Chelsea54]

Sounds like the twin of the guy I’m interested in. Let’s see what others advise you....

For mine—I’m trying to pull back. Been reading about feminine vs male energy theories.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry this is happening. It seems he's fading out. You're not exclusive and are both multidating, so this can happen after only a handful of dates. It sounds like he wants to play the field and not get into a relationship too soon. Just keep dating others and if he wants to see you again, decide if you want to pursue it.

a few dates around 8 or 9 and have been speaking for nearly a month. He also said last time we saw each other that he catches feelings quickly and easily and that he felt things had moved really quickly.

[SweetGirl28]

Nothing to do with him being cheated on, but everything to do with his interest level declining.

He's doing the slow fade. Don't initiate. If he's interested, he will contact you and ask you to get together.

Are you still on the site? Look at different guys.

[DanZee]

So the guy got busy for a week, doesn't answer your texts immediately, and now you want to dump him. Why don't you make a date for the weekend and ask him what's bothering him? It might be nice if you showed that you care about him rather than the other way around.

[DancingFool]

Meh, sounds like typical early dating losing interest and doing the slow fade situation. Leave him be and stop contacting him.

No, you didn't do anything wrong and you should never debase yourself and start trying to vie for his attention. Don't be pathetic. When the interest is fading so early on, it is never about you and what you have to offer. It's kind of like a favorite flavor of ice cream. If I like chocolate, I may try other flavors, but in the end, I'm going to settle with chocolate. It doesn't make other flavors bad or faulty, just not my taste. So, in this case, he might be your flavor, but you aren't his. Finding that mutual match is tough, but best that you carry on in your search than get stuck on trying to convince this guy that he really should love rocky road instead of chocolate. It's pointless and degrading to you.

[reinventmyself]

When you get the feeling that someone is backing off. . then they are probably backing off.

Especially when you have all the actions to back it up.

 

But why do people think that if you `don't contact him one more time, they might think I am not interested" -or- he's some frightened animal from his last experience and he's fallen too fast for me

 

If the only reason you aren't contacting him is because he's not reciprocating and he's dialing the contact way back, then you need to pay attention to that and not all the other justifications to reach out that are going through your mind now.

 

We arranged to meet on Valentine's day last week and he promised me he wouldn't cancel but on the day

It shouldn't matter that it was Valentines day. Any man that asked me out on a date with a promise to not cancel? isn't someone I would go out with to begin with.

 

I am sorry but the timing is suspicious. Valentines day, or most holidays for that matter cause old flames to come out of hiding.

 

I suspect his old flame reappeared. . or he realized that he just wasn't really ready.

Most of all. . don't contact him.

[Tryingit]

Oh man I have been through this nearly identical situation twice before, except the slow fade happened further along, at 2 or 3 months in. I tried fighting the reality the first time around, and doubled down on my own efforts to keep the relationship alive, and make sure he KNOWS I'm interested and am not going anywhere, and it was probably the worst thing I've ever done lol. It's not like he didn't like me, he just wasn't *that* into it (hindsight), so he played along with my initiations for way too long, in a one-sided forced situation, that eventually blew up with me getting humiliatingly dumped. The second time this happened, given the wisdom of the first time, I made it a point never to initiate contact or ask him out, because my gut was telling me he was pulling away. It's a really tricky thing to trust your "gut" because I also had fears that maybe my coldness was compounding the distance and helping the relationship end. Maybe he thought *I* was the one being distant. It's actually very hard to read, when you can't parcel out who is being distant to who. In that situation, he'd eventually end up reaching out and asking out, but it felt like breadcrumbs/ not enough, so I actually got frustrated and lost interest myself.

 

Like someone else said, it's usually because they're either not ready for a relationship (I think vday freaked him out) or you're someone they always intended just to date and never to get serious with, so once it starts to get serious, they have to fade out. Anyway, I know it's super tricky, but I think you have no choice but to go through the slow burnout with him, ping-ponging back and forth with lack of enthusiasm. It's one of those situations where only time will tell for sure, but your gut should be trusted. All I can say is DO NOT try to 2x your own effort to make up for his 0.5x effort to try to sustain the intimacy/relationship. Match him equally, and if he's fading out, it will fade out. If not, it won't.

 

I'm very curious to see what happens here so let us know !