Husband is 0% romantic how do i cope

[Christy08]

This might sound stupid but I get sad that my husband of 10 years is not even kind of romantic should I be feeling this way? He wont hold hands he wont kiss me in public he wont hug me just to hug me. I am a woman that likes to be surprised every once in a while and even go on dates just him and I. I have expressed my feeling to him and he says “Im not like that I don’t know how to be like that” Im not a gold digger either i don’t expect fancy, expensive gifts. I would honestly be happy with a hug or even just cuddle not everyday but every once in a while or you look good or pretty comment. Idk is this normal if so what can help me deal with this alone Ex: I had made plans for us to go out for vday. We then had some unexpected expenses so that was cancelled. I thought i would at least get one small rose yesterday for v day at least. I didn’t get anything I told him that i felt kind of sad and forgotten about and his excuse was well i was going to take you out to eat and then i was gonna stop and get some roses i seen, but you said we were short on money. My thought about this is i have seen some really cheap roses at walmart. You don’t have to spend a whole lot to make me happy.

 

 

Should I just get over me being this way?

I feel like a good mom of our 3 kids and a good wife why don’t I deserve a little romance what am I doing wrong?

[j.man]

Has he ever been a real Casanova during your 10 years of marriage? Does he show you love and appreciation in other ways? I wouldn't say it's necessarily an issue of what you do or don't deserve.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this. Certainly you dated before the 3 kids and being married 10 years? So that comment is nonsense. It sounds like he's gotten lazy and complacent. It rarely has anything to do with money. This isn't about money or gifts or hugs. It sounds like you've allowed it to devolve to this. How are household things divided? Chores, childcare, money, etc?

 

Do you work? Do you go out much with your friends/family? Stop begging him. Pull back. Start on a self improvement program. Get in shape, get new clothes, haircut/style, etc. Start being busy with things other than being a wife and mother. Don't say a word just do it.

he says “Im not like that I don’t know how to be like that”

[tattoobunnie]

This is called complacency and laziness. He's had a whole year to save for a bouquet of flowers. But the hugs and compliments thing??? Normally, I'd say if you want romance, be romantic, but I think this is a pure case of super-duper lazy.

 

Being romantic and affectionate are like muscles. If you don't exercise them, they just shrivel up. Have him read this, https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/emotional-fitness/201010/10-ways-make-your-relationship-magically-romantic, and tell him you both need to practice and do these things for the next month, even if you need to follow verbatim. After 10 years of marriage, every year, you need to do things that give you reason on you got married and stay married.

 

If you don't make time for eachother, the marriage just shrivels up and dies.

 

It takes 30 days to pick up a habit. 90 days for a life change.

[thealchemist]

I would like to try to help but this is a huge subject to jump into with a lot of variables.

 

I am 30 and my wife and I have been together for 13 years. We have actually gradually stepped up our romance for the last 5 years. We also have 2 young children.

 

I am not naturally a romantic person. My wife just started to try to scale up our romance because we were planning on starting a family soon.

 

We both started working on it. Now we are both quite infatuated with each other too. Our marriage is better than I could have imagined.

 

But to start with we both had to be on the same page.

 

I will also say that my wife and I did nothing for Valentine's day. We also don't hold hands or any pda. That is just how we both our. But that doesnt mean you can't be romantic.

 

If your husband doesn't like pda and it makes him uncomfortable it will be hard to get him to. But just find other ways he can be romantic.

 

You really need to get your husband on the same page as you.

 

Also, how are you going to sell this to him?

 

I think making each other happy is inherent to a relationship but you have established a status quo. He thinks it is fine. He might see extra effort in romance as work to make you happy. He might seem that as unfair.

 

So to get his attention enough for change you either will need to sell it to him as stated above or shock him by telling him you are unhappy that things are the way they are and you require a change, which is essentially an ultimatum.

[Christy08]

Has he ever been a real Casanova during your 10 years of marriage? Does he show you love and appreciation in other ways? I wouldn't say it's necessarily an issue of what you do or don't deserve.

 

 

He was like this in the past not so big but like i said every once in a while. I think thats my problem also is that i just don’t feel appreciated. I cook i keep the house clean and i don’t get a thank you EVER. (Sigh) i just dont know anymore

[thealchemist]

He was like this in the past not so big but like i said every once in a while. I think thats my problem also is that i just don’t feel appreciated. I cook i keep the house clean and i don’t get a thank you EVER. (Sigh) i just dont know anymore

Do you thank him for working and earning money for your family?

[Christy08]

Sorry to hear this. Certainly you dated before the 3 kids and being married 10 years? So that comment is nonsense. It sounds like he's gotten lazy and complacent. It rarely has anything to do with money. This isn't about money or gifts or hugs. It sounds like you've allowed it to devolve to this. How are household things divided? Chores, childcare, money, etc?

 

Do you work? Do you go out much with your friends/family? Stop begging him. Pull back. Start on a self improvement program. Get in shape, get new clothes, haircut/style, etc. Start being busy with things other than being a wife and mother. Don't say a word just do it.

 

Household I do everything around the house i keep it clean I have our 2 oldest help so that they learn responsibility and that this is part of life and when he (husband) is asked to help he complains and says oh i already took the trash out or something like that. I also make him bathe our youngest every once in a while. (I feel like i shouldn’t have to ask him to do this) I stay home with our youngest, since he was going through some medical issues. Also I have tried this and when he sees me pulling away or feels like he’s losing his family he suddenly wants to change and be a better person. I was looking into gym memberships earlier today just so that I can get out to work out at least.

[Christy08]

Do you thank him for working and earning money for your family?

 

Yes I tell him thank you and everything you do for us and ill send him positive messages when I know he is not having a good day. So that he knows Im here for him and that all is going to be okay.

[thealchemist]

Yes I tell him thank you and everything you do for us and ill send him positive messages when I know he is not having a good day. So that he knows Im here for him and that all is going to be okay.

So words of affirmation a love language for you.

 

It might not be for your husband. I had to work really hard to incorporate words of affirmation into how I express myself to my wife.

 

It is a love language of her's but not mine.

 

Of you want to try to adjust your husbands love languages it is going to be hard.

 

But just because he doesn't show love the way you want doesn't mean he doesn't show it.

 

Does he even like receiving words of affirmation?

 

I ask because I do not. My wife knows that though so there isn't an issue.

 

But don't just assume that he should know how you want love expresses and do it exactly that way without guidance.

[Wiseman2]

Excellent. Continue to invest in yourself as a woman and focus less on the wife/mom role as your sole concern. See, his "never been that way" is BS.

I have tried this and when he sees me pulling away or feels like he’s losing his family he suddenly wants to change and be a better person. I was looking into gym memberships earlier today just so that I can get out to work out at least.

[itsallgrand]

Curious what you did for him for Valentine's Day? Also curious how long you've been out of the work force?

[Christy08]

Curious what you did for him for Valentine's Day? Also curious how long you've been out of the work force?

 

 

 

Chocolates and steak dinner since we could not go out and I have stayed home for going on one year now?

[mandeelove]

I dont think it matters if you work, have hobbies, doll yourself up or not. I dont agree with some of the comments. I think every woman deserves a little appreciation...period. A little romance. Being a mom is a full time job. It doesnt take a lot to buy a rose or a chocolate. Or write out a sweet card. So anyone who says it doesnt matter is a diff type of person. It matters to u. You have to communicate to him what u want. Thats the only way.

 

One thing I want to say is if he never was romantic even in the dating stage, u kind of signed up for it. Its not your fault but sometimes we think men will change during marriage but they dont. Usually what u date is what u marry. So if he never was sweet or thoughtful this might be hard for him to change. But its not impossible.

[thealchemist]

I dont think it matters if you work, have hobbies, doll yourself up or not. I dont agree with some of the comments. I think every woman deserves a little appreciation...period. A little romance. Being a mom is a full time job. It doesnt take a lot to buy a rose or a chocolate. Or write out a sweet card. So anyone who says it doesnt matter is a diff type of person. It matters to u. You have to communicate to him what u want. Thats the only way.

 

One thing I want to say is if he never was romantic even in the dating stage, u kind of signed up for it. Its not your fault but sometimes we think men will change during marriage but they dont. Usually what u date is what u marry. So if he never was sweet or thoughtful this might be hard for him to change. But its not impossible.

It is very possible.

 

I changed a lot. It just took my wife and I both working on it together.

 

If you can't get him on the same page there is nothing to be done.

 

But it also requires mutual work. It isn't just his responcibility.

 

You also can't dictate how you want to give and receive affection. Just because you like to give your affection one way doesn't mean he wants to receive it that way.

 

That was the issue it took us the longest to get.