Lostintime Posted February 12, 2018 Share Posted February 12, 2018 I have a lady friend I've been having evenings out with lately. We've known each other for some time, but keep falling out of touch. She's half my age and in a long term relationship which she seems committed to but not fulfilled by, if that makes sense. I've tried to let this go, but she keeps popping up. She says her partner doesn't mind us going out, but he's not seen us kissing goodbye. The whole thing makes no sense but I'm hooked... Link to comment
Keyman Posted February 12, 2018 Share Posted February 12, 2018 So, you are okay with being the guy she is cheating on her boyfriend with? If you have tried to let this go, have you told here this and to stop contacting you? What if you finally breaks up with him, goes for you and in 6 months starts hanging with some other guy her own age? Link to comment
MissCanuck Posted February 12, 2018 Share Posted February 12, 2018 It makes perfect sense: she is bored in her relationship but doesn't want to lose him, so she comes to you to feel some excitement and thrill. When she gets her fill, she goes back to her comfortable and secure boyfriend. That's all there is to this. You are fulfilling a desire for her, but ultimately that's where it begins and ends. I can just about promise you that if her boyfriend found out the extent of this and threatened to walk, she'd drop you in a hot minute and beg for him back. Link to comment
Lostintime Posted February 12, 2018 Author Share Posted February 12, 2018 All good questions, and they are bouncing round my head like a squash ball. We have never done anything phisical so we could argue it's not cheating...although if she were my girlfriend is probable think it was a bit too close. No, I haven't told her this...I have too good a time when I'm with her (and that's without any suggestion of sex). Are we cheating, I don't know what to make of it all.😒 Link to comment
Lostintime Posted February 12, 2018 Author Share Posted February 12, 2018 It makes perfect sense: she is bored in her relationship but doesn't want to lose him, so she comes to you to feel some excitement and thrill. When she gets her fill, she goes back to her comfortable and secure boyfriend. That's all there is to this. You are fulfilling a desire for her, but ultimately that's where it begins and ends. I can just about promise you that if her boyfriend found out the extent of this and threatened to walk, she'd drop you in a hot minute and beg for him back. That makes sense, I guess that was my fear. But she does make me feel good about myself, which is rare these days.Its like a drug! Is there any harm in letting it run for a while? Link to comment
MissCanuck Posted February 12, 2018 Share Posted February 12, 2018 That makes sense, I guess that was my fear. But she does make me feel good about myself, which is rare these days.Its like a drug! Is there any harm in letting it run for a while? Well, yeah, since you're already in deeper (emotionally) than you thought. The harm is going to be done to you when you realize she's still going home to him at night and not you. Link to comment
Betterwithout Posted February 12, 2018 Share Posted February 12, 2018 We have never done anything phisical so we could argue it's not cheating... It's "emotional" cheating. Some even consider online (never met in person) emotionally cheating. Sometimes (not always) "emotional" cheating eventually manifests itself into physical cheating. Starts off as innocent coffee or "friends" then the spark is formed as they build an emotional connection. The question you need to ask is "if her boyfriend knows about you and is ok with you being in the picture, or if he would not be ok with it" MissCanuck above says "I can just about promise you that if her boyfriend found out the extent of this and threatened to walk, she'd drop you in a hot minute and beg for him back." I agree with this except if she IS really looking to meet someone else, and in comparison you seem like a better match than her long term relationship, then she might make a move to physically cheating and walking out on him. Tread carefully if you think the boyfriend wouldn't approve. Link to comment
Lostintime Posted February 12, 2018 Author Share Posted February 12, 2018 Well, yeah, since you're already in deeper (emotionally) than you thought. The harm is going to be done to you when you realize she's still going home to him at night and not you. No fool like an old fool eh? ☺️ Link to comment
DaisyMayPorter Posted February 12, 2018 Share Posted February 12, 2018 You said you haven’t done anything physical but didn’t you say in your post that you kiss goodbye? That’s physical. Does she have any intention on leaving him? And how does she make you feel good about yourself? Link to comment
Lostintime Posted February 12, 2018 Author Share Posted February 12, 2018 The latest twist is that she wants to go away for a weekend, just as friends. I'm not holding my breath as I can't see her other half going for that...or is she going to lie to him? I'm not cheating on anyone btw, I've had a long dry spell which probably makes me easy pickings... Link to comment
DaisyMayPorter Posted February 12, 2018 Share Posted February 12, 2018 Of course she wants to go away for the weekend! And it won’t be as “just friends”. Can I ask- do you make a lot more money than her? Will you be paying for everything? If so, then it’s not just friends. I would be careful. You can do whatever you want, but just think about if you were in the boyfriends shoes and your girlfriend told you she was meeting up regularly with another guy... Link to comment
Lostintime Posted February 12, 2018 Author Share Posted February 12, 2018 You said you haven’t done anything physical but didn’t you say in your post that you kiss goodbye? That’s physical. Does she have any intention on leaving him? And how does she make you feel good about yourself? From her side this is purely platonic, but there is real emotion there...the kissing is not excessive, but again there is emotion there, and I guess that I feel were crossing a line. It's not just alcohol either, we meet for coffee and it's pretty much the same. Why does she make me feel special...she fucuses on me for the whole time we are together, listens to every word..makes me feel young again... Link to comment
Betterwithout Posted February 12, 2018 Share Posted February 12, 2018 The latest twist is that she wants to go away for a weekend, just as friends. I'm not holding my breath as I can't see her other half going for that...or is she going to lie to him? I'm not cheating on anyone btw, I've had a long dry spell which probably makes me easy pickings... Well, that is quite a "twist" as you say. Going away for the weekend in my assumption involves an overnight stay in a hotel. Perfect recipe for friends turning into something more. Perhaps it's exciting to think something could "happen" during your dry spell, but no normal boyfriend would be keen on you two sharing a hotel room? Sounds like for this to happen it will be necessary for her to lie to her boyfriend. I'm not going to say that things will go this direction (people can remain platonic), but you two are paving the way, and I'd hate to be the boyfriend in the dark. Link to comment
Lostintime Posted February 12, 2018 Author Share Posted February 12, 2018 Thanks for your advice everyone. Can you see any positives in this situation at all? Link to comment
reinventmyself Posted February 13, 2018 Share Posted February 13, 2018 Thanks for your advice everyone. Can you see any positives in this situation at all? Other than an ego boost. . no. Tell her you will go away with her, only with her man's approval. Just keep telling yourself that you're glad she's not your girlfriend. Link to comment
abitbroken Posted February 13, 2018 Share Posted February 13, 2018 Sorry. She is cheating on her boyfriend with you. I would drop her. tell her sorry, but no thank you. You want to date someone who is available. If she does become available and ends her relationship, i still would not date her. She doesn't know how to be faithful. Sorry, there are no positives here. Find someone who is available. Link to comment
mustlovedogs Posted February 13, 2018 Share Posted February 13, 2018 I would rather my SO have a one night stand than be in an emotional affair. One at least has a chance to be just a drunk physical act. An emotional affair involves deceit and intent. Attachment. Do you want to be the reason someone’s heart is broken? Link to comment
DaisyMayPorter Posted February 13, 2018 Share Posted February 13, 2018 Well, of course she makes you feel young again because she’s half your age! That’s what people half your age do! I haven’t been in a serious relationship for a couple years by choice, not that that matters. However, I’m saying it to prove a point. If a guy said to me, “hey, we can go out to dinners once in awhile, coffee, and even go away for the weekend! I have a girlfriend, but she doesn’t care!” I would run for the hills! But that’s just me. If you want to “feel young again”, theres got to be a younger gal you can date who doesn't already have a boyfriend, right? I feel awful for this poor boyfriend! Link to comment
boltnrun Posted February 13, 2018 Share Posted February 13, 2018 Does she kiss you in front of her boyfriend? Link to comment
MissCanuck Posted February 13, 2018 Share Posted February 13, 2018 There are ultimately no positives, no. She's playing you both for fools. Link to comment
Lostintime Posted February 13, 2018 Author Share Posted February 13, 2018 Does she kiss you in front of her boyfriend? No! I met him once, a few years ago but I don't know him and he's not a mate. I was invited round at Christmas but I didn't go just in case that happened. I wouldn't be happy with that at all. Link to comment
Lostintime Posted February 13, 2018 Author Share Posted February 13, 2018 There are ultimately no positives, no. She's playing you both for fools. I've known her for 10 years or so and we've always got on. I be always seen her as a decent sort, if a bit crazy. If she is playing us, is it possible she doesn't see it that way? Of course I feel a little for him, and I've been hurt before, my main concern is she's going to get herself into a real mess. Link to comment
Lostintime Posted February 13, 2018 Author Share Posted February 13, 2018 Of course she wants to go away for the weekend! And it won’t be as “just friends”. Can I ask- do you make a lot more money than her? Will you be paying for everything? If so, then it’s not just friends. I would be careful. You can do whatever you want, but just think about if you were in the boyfriends shoes and your girlfriend told you she was meeting up regularly with another guy... In fact she earns more than me, but she's always broke because her fella hasn't worked for a while. Link to comment
abitbroken Posted February 14, 2018 Share Posted February 14, 2018 No! I met him once, a few years ago but I don't know him and he's not a mate. I was invited round at Christmas but I didn't go just in case that happened. I wouldn't be happy with that at all. The fact that he exists rather than how well you know him, is all you need to know. I've known her for 10 years or so and we've always got on. I be always seen her as a decent sort, if a bit crazy. If she is playing us, is it possible she doesn't see it that way? Of course I feel a little for him, and I've been hurt before, my main concern is she's going to get herself into a real mess. She is NOT a decent sort. She is cheating on her boyfriend. She's not a decent sort at all. Stop pretending that you are a noble, decent man who only is concerned about her "getting into a mess". you are not altruistic. You are selfish. He is going to get hurt and you are going to get hurt. he is ALREADY getting hurt by his girlfriend denying him the emotional intimacy he deserves and giving it to someone else. Every time you see her or accept a call from her, you are stabbing him with a knife. Sorry, she's not decent and neither are you. It doesn't matter if he is having a streak of unemployment or not. Link to comment
abitbroken Posted February 14, 2018 Share Posted February 14, 2018 I've known her for 10 years or so and we've always got on. I be always seen her as a decent sort, if a bit crazy. If she is playing us, is it possible she doesn't see it that way? Of course I feel a little for him, and I've been hurt before, my main concern is she's going to get herself into a real mess. so because you have been hurt before gives you the right to hurt someone else? Link to comment
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