I resent my partner, he is depressed, he lies to me and I don't know if I want to be with him

[Belle666]

Forgive me if this turns out to be more of a rant, but I don't know how to ask for advice without telling the whole story.

 

I have been with my partner for almost 5 years, lived together for most of it. We have had a LOT of issues (mostly him) throughout this time and as things have not really been resolved I have grown to resent him so much. I'll list the things I resent him for:

 

1. The amount of things I have had to pay for - his share of bills, all of our entertainment expenses, purchases for furniture for our house etc. because he doesn't manage money properly. This was in the past and has sort of been resolved, but he still has no drive to study or get a better paying job and is ok for me to have all of the financial stress by myself. This was an issue even when he earned $3-400 a week MORE than I did.

2. The lack of chores he used to do. He used to put the washing machine on half empty to avoid washing my clothes, after I had just cooked dinner and cleaned the entire house. Again this has stopped but the underlying disrespect still upsets me.

3. I put a lot of effort in to his birthday and he refused to take the day off (from a job he hated and was quitting) to spend mine at lunch with me and my family

4. He lied to me about dropping out of college (about 2 years ago)

5. He has since started studying again and lied to me again about continuing with it

6. He lied to me about applying for new jobs when he wasn't getting enough shifts to pay our bills. He was actually just surfing the net for random things or at the pub with his friend.

7. He got upset with me for not surprising him, I tried to surprise him, he thought i was hiding something and stole my phone which ruined it

8. He gets upset if I do things without him - he won't actually tell me I can't do it he will just sulk until I feel guilty and stop doing things for myself

9. His dad lived with us for almost a year and didn't pay any bills. I had to pay for everything whilst he made a mess in our house, didn't look for a job and took over our living spaces. I then had to be the awful daughter-in-law that kicked a parent out of our home

10. He says he wants a future and to build a house and have a child but he does nothing to work towards it and expects me to do it all, whilst building the career that we will need to fund this.

11. He comes home from work every day in a bad mood and brings me down, when I ask whats wrong he just claims he hates his job but won't do anything to get a new one

12. He sometimes gets upset with me if i have to study for an exam or if i have a work event/catch up with the girls and can't pay him constant attention

 

 

There are more, but I think you get the point. Anyway, it recently got so bad and I was sick of all of the lying and decided to leave. So now it gets more complicated..... perhaps the biggest thing I resent him for is that I suspected for the past 4 years he has had depression. I tried to support him, I encouraged him to get help, I expressed to him how much I love him and that I hate to see him sad. I told him how much it affected both of us, and still he refused to get help.

 

As a last ditch effort to save us he decided he wanted to see a counsellor together, so we went, and he pointed out immediately that my partner needed individual therapy. So now, my partner is in treatment which is what I wanted all along but I'm not sure if it is too late for me? I feel like i might have already checked out on the relationship but everytime I try to leave I think of all of the things we had planned together and I can't stop crying. I literally feel like i'm sinking. I don't know what the right decision is, this relationship isn't good for me, but if he can get through his depression maybe it can be again.

 

It's at the point where I don't want to have sex with him at all. If i say no, he makes me feel guilty and says i don't love him until I give in or until we fight about it. I just don't want to. I don't trust him because of all the lies. I trust him 100% in the fact that I don't think he is out cheating or flirting with other women, that isn't the issue. The issue is that I don't trust him to tell me the truth about things like work and study and his mental health which affect the both of us. I feel like I always have to be on guard for something to go wrong. Maybe we are just incompatible, or maybe its his depression. I can't tell the difference anymore.

 

Has anyone been in this position? Is it fixable once your partners depression subsides? Is it lasting damage? Is it terrible to leave someone who is depressed, even if you feel like they are sucking the life out of you?

 

Please help me :(

[MissCanuck]

I am sorry, but I think you need to move on from him.

 

He did absolutely nothing about this until it was essentially too late; the resentment won't fade that quickly and there is no guarantee he will change his bad habits. Yes, I do understand that depression is debilitating. But you can't be expected to carry the load for years until you've reached this point. You need to look out of for yourself too, which you haven't been doing.

 

I would wish him well on his healing journey, and start a new chapter in my life without him.

[DanZee]

I'm not even sure if he's depressed. He's using his childish passive-aggressive behavior to make you into a slave who does everything and pays for everything. And he has trapped you. You won't leave because you're worried about him, but he has created the situation to keep you from leaving. He's never going to accomplish anything as long as you're around.

 

Your story is similar to dozens of others here on ENA. Women are so loving, nurturing, and caring they put up with behavior a guy would have walked away from years ago. And he's not going to change as long as you're going to take care of him. Why should he change?

 

It's time he grows up. You've got to leave. You've got to get out. There's still time for you to find a great guy that loves you and who won't play the emotional cripple. You have to worry about your own mental health. He's trying to isolate you from your friends and relatives. He's trying to make you lose self-esteem and your sense of self-worth. He's changing you into a robot and a slave. You need to get away from him so you can heal and get your head straight. He's the one making you depressed rather than him being depressed. Leave him and be yourself again.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this. You don't have a partner, you have a petulant child who you are trying to fix and be a mommy to. Just stop, you are miserable and resentful. He won't change. Start living your own life rather than getting sucked into the vortex of his inertia and lies. Begin an exit plan.

I have been with my partner for almost 5 years, lived together for most of it. We have had a LOT of issues (mostly him) throughout this time and as things have not really been resolved I have grown to resent him so much.

[Silverbirch]

Please leave him. Don't feel guilty. Even with therapy, there is no guarantee that he will change, and if you don't, AI believe you will regret it later. OMG, thank God you don't have children with him.

[Hollyj]

Why in the hell are you with this creep/loser? This says A LOT about you, and how little you value yourself.

 

You are just as much to blame, as you you have enabled this man-child all along. You are not a victim, but an enabler. Look int co dependency.

 

What do you "love" about this person. He sounds awful.

 

This is not about depression.

[Babbsi]

You sound like some of my girlfriends that have issues with their teenagers.how will this situation improve if you have kids? It won’t it’ll get worse. You should look for a partner not a guy looking for a mommy to care for him. You sound like you have it together otherwise find someone that is more like you.

[DancingFool]

The issues you are describing have nothing to do with depression. This is who he is and I have to agree with everyone else. Stop playing mommy to a grown man. Dump him and move on. Stop making excuses and stop kidding yourself that he will change. Want to know the truth? Look at his father. He stayed with you, didn't pay a dime, did jack to help out around the house, used you as well until you finally kicked him out. Apple, tree. This isn't going to change OP.

 

Even now, he is going to therapy, so what? He is still manipulating you and using guilt tripping and passive aggressive tactics to get his way with you. He is a parasite living off you OP. Time to get rid of him.