4 weeks, hot/heavy, Yesterday I Love U, too much in common, I wanna date- Dumped within 40 sec

[bummedout101]

Short and Sweet.... we are both late 40's, both never married, meet online

 

-Meet day after Xmas 4 dates to sleeping together about 10 days

- We have a ton in common, I mean alot

- Really strong physical and mental connection on both sides.

- Just before intercourse, 3rd base ( 2 1/2 weeks ago), she says she wants a lover, wants to date other people. I say cool I like you; you go date I'll contact you in 3 months, she says no I like you and it continues. Key here is she got out of 8 year live in relationship last June, no sex in 4 years and hasn't dated in 9 years. So it turns out I'm the "rebound" guy.

- We sleep together 3 day weekends all hot heavy. Last 2 weeks hot and heavy

-Last Thursday we sleep together, Friday, Sat. distant. I have a feeling somethings up, Sunday afternoon get a text saying she is going on a date; I respond' have a nice time"- then phone conversation. She went on date Sunday night

-Yesterday we talk via phone, in 40 seconds she says, its too serious, "I love You", I want you in my life" but we have too much in common and we are not a good match. She also sends she wants to set me up with her best friend who I never meet, . Conversation ends we are done, doesn't want to meet face to face.

 

What the hell do I do?

- No communication a week or 2?

-Let her contact me?

I'm confused, paralyzed and in shock...

Will she be able to cut me off if she said she loves me? To be clear I asked her if this was in the friend sense or she really loved me, she said she loves me...

 

Any advice appreciated, Thanks in Advance!

[DanZee]

I just wonder how empathetic you are. She's obviously been in such a horrible relationship for so many years that she's absolutely gutted from her experience. As you said, she hadn't even had sex in 4 years! So, yeah, she went crazy having a lot of sex with you, but then even I'm getting the feeling that she wasn't getting any love back. She's a woman who is craving love right now. She's looking for Prince Charming. I don't think you're the rebound guy, I just think she wasn't feeling any love from you. And then when you told her to go date, you'll call her in 3 months, she got the impression that you're just another guy who wanted sex from her.

 

So I don't know why you're confused by this. She's the one that's been hurt by you for not giving her any emotion back. What's interesting is she didn't want to hurt you and she offered to set you up with her friend who is probably just looking for sex rather than a relationship.

 

If she contacts you in the future, you have a decision to make. Do you want just sex with her or do you want a real, permanent relationship with her? Because she's looking for a real relationship.

[Clio]

She sounds all over the place. You should consider this a break up and run. Do not contact her. Just because she is on the rebound, you are under no obligation to accommodate her whims and become her doormat. Nothing good ever comes out of it and it would be masochistic on your part.

She wants to be able to sleep with multiple people with no strings attached, she told you so and that's what she did despite what you told her. It is upon you to protect your boundaries. Unless, you are ok with an open relationship with no strings attached, there is no point in pursuing this. Saying "i love you" while breaking up and at only one month is a huge red flag. Plus, no stable woman who loves a man would ever try to pass him on to her best friend like that. That's messed up. Her actions and words don't match. My advice would be to get off her emotional roller coaster and resume your searches for a woman who is emotionally stable. Stay away from unstable individuals and do not play the white knight. It's their obligation to fix themselves never yours. If you persist with this one you are in for a nasty ride.

[NorthDallas40]

She's a woman who is craving love right now. She's looking for Prince Charming. I don't think you're the rebound guy, I just think she wasn't feeling any love from you.

 

Are you freaking kidding me? Did you even read his story? Being "unloved" had nothing to do with it:

 

Just before intercourse, 3rd base ( 2 1/2 weeks ago), she says she wants a lover, wants to date other people.

 

If a woman wants someone to genuinely love them, they don't say stuff like this as a reverse-psychology experiment. Unless they're immature or nuts.

 

Anyway, I've dated women like this too. They were attracted to me and liked me enough as a person for the short term, but either wanted a better catch or wanted to continue roaming free. One woman I was particularly sexually compatible with even asked me "If we break up, can we still keep having sex?" after about 2-3 weeks of dating, while another one said she wanted to date other guys after about the same period of time. I said no to both. Guess what? They both dumped me.

 

Anyway OP, in your shoes I'd just chalk it up to experience, enjoy the awesome time you had, and move on. She's only recently been able to enjoy her freedom, and either you're not the one for her or she wants to remain single. Or perhaps both. Onward and upward for you.

[Everlong13]

Sounds like a bit of a messy headf*ck situation, maybe best to cut your losses.

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately it sounds like this is her first rodeo back into the dating scene. Perhaps she's looking for more than hookups but wants to play the field rather than get too involved or hurt. Basically the ILY part meant as a friend as in friendzoning you after dumping you. Yeah, too messy. Delete, block,move on.

We sleep together 3 day weekends all hot heavy.Last Thursday we sleep togetherSunday afternoon get a text saying she is going on a date; I respond' have a nice time"

[bummedout101]

LET ME BE CLEAR- I showed her nothing but LOVE!

 

I do love her but wasn't at the point to tell her after 4 weeks, if anything I wanted the relationship and this is a woman I could see bending my knee for one day.

 

Look this is not my first rodeo, what is different is I got hit with the thunderbolt from the second I meet her. That's what makes this so crazy because there is no way that what WE both feel was not real.

 

I was the first guy she meet after her friends pushed her for months before to go online. I keep thinking this would be different had she been dating 4/6 months before I meet her. That's why I told her after a week and during when she said that she wanted to date that I was willing to disappear for a few months because I had a feeling this might have happened.

 

Oh, she never went on her date Sunday- could this all be confusion on her part that she is just scared or am I being naive and blinded by my affection.

 

One big detail- she is a psychologist- for 20 years- she is great at her job and works like a dog while raising a preteen who after 3 weeks knew of my name and exsistence.

[Wiseman2]

It's been less than a month and there was no talk about an exclusive relationship. In fact, you Encouraged her dating others with the indifferent "have a nice time" quip. She may be multidating and met someone else, it happens.

I do love her but wasn't at the point to tell her after 4 weeks, if anything I wanted the relationship and this is a woman I could see bending my knee for one day.

[DancingFool]

Do yourself a favor and don't confuse love with lust. You've just met. Things flew at a million miles an hour - a pretty big red flag. You don't actually know her at all - what issues she has, what her background really is, what the truth between her and her ex really was, etc. What you DO know is that this woman is acting erratically, jerking around, playing games, pretending to be going out on other dates, telling you she loves you and then dumps you (again, you haven't been together long enough for true love). To be honest OP, reading through your post one thing that kept popping into my mind is bipolar on a manic high. I'm not saying she is, I am saying that her behavior is that nuts - intense, erratic, flipping back and forth, etc. Trouble with all that intensity is that for you it feels like a connection out of this world.....except that it's just trouble.

 

In your shoes, I'd actually block her and move on. Looks like a duck, walks like a duck.....

[IAmFCA]

She is unstable. Whether it is just for now or something more complex and long lasting doesn't matter.

 

Just back away from the danger zone.

[bummedout101]

She is unstable. Whether it is just for now or something more complex and long lasting doesn't matter.

 

Just back away from the danger zone.

 

Let's just say that her feelings for me are real, msgs texts through the 4 weeks, can a woman go from 0 to 100 to 0 in a flash??

 

She didn't show signs of being unstable. As for the ex she has shared many details.

[IAmFCA]

Let's just say that her feelings for me are real, msgs texts through the 4 weeks, can a woman go from 0 to 100 to 0 in a flash??

 

She didn't show signs of being unstable. As for the ex she has shared many details.

 

short answer? yes. absolutely.

[IAmFCA]

The roots that bind us together take months to grow. They prove themselves resilient after a storm. They choose to grow deeper when faced with alternatives - not just other partners but other interests, more generally.

 

Without those deep roots, turn on a dime? For sure.

 

And, after recovering from a significant loss? Extra ability to turn on a dime. The loss makes us unusually open to new connections, while also unusually unavailable to real emotion.

 

Turn on a dime is almost a guaranteed outcome.

[bummedout101]

short answer? yes. absolutely.

 

If it goes one way like that does it mean that she can reverse that sets in after few, several days?

[IAmFCA]

If it goes one way like that does it mean that she can reverse that sets in after few, several days?

 

Sometimes. But never in a way that builds foundation.

 

She will need to see herself as reliable before she can feel good about involving your emotions.

[bummedout101]

Sometimes. But never in a way that builds foundation.

 

She will need to see herself as reliable before she can feel good about involving your emotions.

 

I don't understand? Would not time 1 2 wks 1 2 months change her? She said she was confused is that a code word for I'm just not that into you.

[Wiseman2]

If she met someone else after too much too soon and sex with you followed by that kind of cheeky indifference from you.

can a woman go from 0 to 100 to 0 in a flash?

[IAmFCA]

I don't understand? Would not time 1 2 wks 1 2 months change her? She said she was confused is that a code word for I'm just not that into you.

 

In a month of frequent contact and significant disclosure, we learn much about each other. We are learning traits faster than we are growing roots. We can turn on a dime for any number of reasons and you will drive yourself crazy if you assume her reasons have any value to you.

 

I will tell you my own experience with someone whom I quite like. He is smart, sexy, a gentleman, and we share common interests. After the 2nd time we had sex, I backed off. He has a particular mannerism sexually that bothers me. I made a shallow choice. I have since seen him and had sex with him, but I coached myself into it. The night I stayed over he gave me a great night, and so I was mentally and emotionally in the mood, as we say. I couldn't be with him on a regular basis. I've never told him what it is that turns me off. That seems cruel. There are enough other differences on which to hang my hat.

 

Another instance someone turned on me when I confessed feelings. He had been cheating or preparing to and once he heard my feelings he realized he could hurt me some but not THAT much.

 

Of course, he had introduced me to his family and talked of marriage, all sooner than appropriate. He needed me more than he cared for me. When he realized I actually had feelings he was gone in an instant.

 

Once the switch turns off, it is off - unless the other person seems like they can handle a more casual. arrangement.

[IAmFCA]

bottom line

 

all investments take time to grow. investments in people are no different.

[DancingFool]

Let's just say that her feelings for me are real, msgs texts through the 4 weeks, can a woman go from 0 to 100 to 0 in a flash??

 

She didn't show signs of being unstable. As for the ex she has shared many details.

 

Don't be so naive. You are old enough to know better. Yes, when someone goes from 0-1000 in a flash, expect that they'll go from 1000-0 even faster. Happens all the time. That's why I said that going from 0-1000 so fast is a huge red flag. THAT is also a sign of being unstable. Other things about her behavior that you are describing definitely make her unstable.

 

What she shared is her version - you have no idea what's true or not. You don't even know her enough to judge correctly.

 

Roller coasters are exhilarating, but the ride is always short.

[bummedout101]

Don't be so naive. You are old enough to know better. Yes, when someone goes from 0-1000 in a flash, expect that they'll go from 1000-0 even faster. Happens all the time. That's why I said that going from 0-1000 so fast is a huge red flag. THAT is also a sign of being unstable. Other things about her behavior that you are describing definitely make her unstable.

 

What she shared is her version - you have no idea what's true or not. You don't even know her enough to judge correctly.

 

Roller coasters are exhilarating, but the ride is always short.

 

Unfortunately I think I will just be naive for a couple of weeks because my gut tells me that on a certain level this all doesn't make sense.

 

As for telling her to date, what was I supposed to say after 4 weeks? Let her date seemed the only rational thing to say?? go ahead see what is out there it's not pretty.

[IAmFCA]

Unfortunately I think I will just be naive for a couple of weeks because my gut tells me that on a certain level this all doesn't make sense.

 

As for telling her to date, what was I supposed to say after 4 weeks? Let her date seemed the only rational thing to say?? go ahead see what is out there it's not pretty.

 

It doesn't have to make sense to you. It is her option, and yours, to make a unilateral choice to bail out, at any time.

[DancingFool]

Unfortunately I think I will just be naive for a couple of weeks because my gut tells me that on a certain level this all doesn't make sense.

 

As for telling her to date, what was I supposed to say after 4 weeks? Let her date seemed the only rational thing to say?? go ahead see what is out there it's not pretty.

 

I sincerely hope that you don't get hooked on this roller coaster of on off, up and down. It can be addictive and I sure would hate to see you here in a few months or a year questioning your sanity and asking why you are stuck in a toxic relationship.

 

Personally, I don't think what you told her about going on and seeing what's out there if that's what she wants was wrong. I actually think you did the right thing. If she needs to run around, it's best that she does it. If she was simply yanking your chain and trying to make you jealous, she got called out on it - your response was rational instead of jumping into her drama.

 

I don't know. I see too many red flags and I would be gone. I know you have pink goggles on and it's hard to see past that at the moment.

[Wiseman2]

Apparently it was.

go ahead see what is out there it's not pretty.

[bummedout101]

I sincerely hope that you don't get hooked on this roller coaster of on off, up and down. It can be addictive and I sure would hate to see you here in a few months or a year questioning your sanity and asking why you are stuck in a toxic relationship.

 

Personally, I don't think what you told her about going on and seeing what's out there if that's what she wants was wrong. I actually think you did the right thing. If she needs to run around, it's best that she does it. If she was simply yanking your chain and trying to make you jealous, she got called out on it - your response was rational instead of jumping into her drama.

 

I don't know. I see too many red flags and I would be gone. I know you have pink goggles on and it's hard to see past that at the moment.

 

Don't tests happen at all different times ? I like her, I really do... I guess my reason for being here is to find out if this has a chance of working out in the long term. My only option is to pull back and let her true feelings and emotions work on her. In the end she will do what she wants to do, I guess I'll just hope that the dating odds work in my favor.

 

The book on her nightstand was titled "No Man is your Master" lol