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Unsure how I feel about this


Yung_Swayyy

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My ex and I broke up 3 months ago of 7 years, he was out clubbing and searching for girls fairly quickly. Apparently he has found a new girl in his life. Which I feel is a little soon. We lived together, shared a dog. We’ve been in each other’s lives for like 12-13 years. He hangs out with this girl all the time and she’s always at his apartment. She has even met a couple of our friends even a couple of my cousins. Which I understand everyone has to move on, but I also feel like he is moving on pretty quickly. Some days it bothers me and some days it doesn’t. I broke up with him for a couple reasons but still it affects me. I don’t know if it’s a rebound or not?

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You broke up with him. Following that, he owes you nothing in terms of what he does afterwards and how fast he moves on. All bets are off. People have different mechanisms of handling things. It may or may not be a rebound. Regardless, it's none of your business. You don't get a say on how fast he moves on, just as he didn't have a say on being broken up. You did what you thought best for yourself and that is what he is doing for himself. You two are no longer connected. This is your ego talking. Had you found someone else yourself, you wouldn't be bothered with any of it.

 

I am sure that you had valid reasons for breaking up with him and hence you did the right thing for you. What you are doing wrong is keeping tubs and learning new things about him. You need to ask your friends and cousins to respect that you two are no longer an item and stop feeding you new information about him. What he does is not about you and does not concern you. You chose to relinquish all rights. This was for a good reason. You need to stop looking back and focus on your own life. The break up has rendered his actions irrelevant to you.

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You broke up with him. Following that, he owes you nothing in terms of what he does afterwards and how fast he moves on. All bets are off. People have different mechanisms of handling things. It may or may not be a rebound. Regardless, it's none of your business. You don't get a say on how fast he moves on, just as he didn't have a say on being broken up. You did what you thought best for yourself and that is what he is doing for himself. You two are no longer connected. This is your ego talking. Had you found someone else yourself, you wouldn't be bothered with any of it.

 

I am sure that you had valid reasons for breaking up with him and hence you did the right thing for you. What you are doing wrong is keeping tubs and learning new things about him. You need to ask your friends and cousins to respect that you two are no longer an item and stop feeding you new information about him. What he does is not about you and does not concern you. You chose to relinquish all rights. This was for a good reason. You need to stop looking back and focus on your own life. The break up has rendered his actions irrelevant to you.

 

^^^^This ^^^^

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I’m honestly not jealous that he has moved on and I understand him and I breaking up means he is a free agent, he’s allowed to move on. Although I do have someone in my life as well, I still care about him. I did break up with him for many reasons, but at the same time a couple months ago we talked about married and having kids. We lived together, we have been in each other’s lives for so long it’s hard to stop caring for someone. I’m not mad or sad he has moved on I just don’t know how I feel about it. Personally altho I am talking to ppl myself I know I’m not willing to go to the extent he is but ppl do handle things differently.

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I’m honestly not jealous that he has moved on and I understand him and I breaking up means he is a free agent, he’s allowed to move on. Although I do have someone in my life as well, I still care about him. I did break up with him for many reasons, but at the same time a couple months ago we talked about married and having kids. We lived together, we have been in each other’s lives for so long it’s hard to stop caring for someone. I’m not mad or sad he has moved on I just don’t know how I feel about it. Personally altho I am talking to ppl myself I know I’m not willing to go to the extent he is but ppl do handle things differently.

 

I understand, but you must focus on why you broke up.

Obviously you didn't see it working out anymore.

Are you regretting it? Do you think you and he could change and get back together?

Sometimes a break up is needed, and NC, to really assess a relationship that broke down.

I think you are missing him, and you need more time.

Have you had any contact with one another?

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It’s just a lot for me to process I guess, and we are different ppl. I just know I’m not that person to be able to move on as quickly.

 

Really? You said you have someone in your life too. How is that different than him having someone in his life? Sounds hypocritical.

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What you are doing is no better than what he is doing. Just different. You are not doing it to honor the past. You are doing it because that is what you need to do for yourself at the moment. Then again, you were the one to leave so you didn't get to experience being abandoned like that. You may have talked about marriage and kids but at the end of the day you broke up with him. You abandoned him regardless the 12-13 years of knowing each other. You left him when a couple of months before you were talking about marriage and kids. Why is that any better than what he is doing? Breaking up with someone is the ultimate act of giving up on the relationship. Expecting him to "honor" what you gave up on is a double standard. It's your ego talking. You probably did the right thing. I am only painting you a picture of a dumpee's perspective as, in your line of thinking, you appear to disregard the fact that you and him are undergoing two completely different emotional processes.

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I “abandoned” him because of certain situations, out of all the years I always stuck there regardless of not being treated right or if he wasn’t trying... I broke up with him for the fact you can’t make someone appreciate you. Why would i have kids with someone who can be selfish, unappreciative. If im with someone no matter x amount of years i want to still try for each other, show that love always no in excessive amounts but still you need to try. I never said he had to “honor” anything lol, I just know even tho I broke up with him, he was the love of my life and I did consider it until he showed me otherwise.

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Too bad I understand too lol so thanks for the dumpee perspective but honestly I’m very understanding person. We’re in two different emotional processes, we are also to completely different people with different mind sets. I don’t judge/hate what he is doing, I understand it in certain ways. Regardless it still hurts and I also think it’s fairly quick to have someone regardless, we all have to move on when it comes to these situations but i would of never abandoned him in the first place if he wasn’t treating me right. So even tho i has reasoning of leaving, i still care lol but thanks for your perspective

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Too bad I understand too lol so thanks for the dumpee perspective but honestly I’m very understanding person. We’re in two different emotional processes, we are also to completely different people with different mind sets. I don’t judge/hate what he is doing, I understand it in certain ways. Regardless it still hurts and I also think it’s fairly quick to have someone regardless, we all have to move on when it comes to these situations but i would of never abandoned him in the first place if he wasn’t treating me right. So even tho i has reasoning of leaving, i still care lol but thanks for your perspective say that you think he moved on too fast?

 

Well the thing is that your opinion stopped mattering when you ended it. Are you upset he isn't more hurt? That is what it sounds like to me. It honestly seems pretty selfish.

 

But going through a breakup after such a long relationship will bring out those negative emotions.

 

Vent all of that on this forum. It is a great use for it.

 

But it would be unfair and selfish to air this opinion out of this context (anonymous forum) where it could potentially have negative effects.

 

After such a long time together I can understand the sentiments though.

 

It sounds like you just need more time to lament the loss of the relationship and you are upset he isn't taking as long as you.

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Again, I will reiterate that you did the right thing. The relationship dynamic built was such that he was unlikely to change while you were together. However, being broken up evokes strong feelings of denial and anger in most people regardless of their role in it. I fully understand your feelings and where they are coming from. The thing is that this person's coping mechanism included getting with someone new and that is no reflection whatsoever on your past relationship or on you. Not really. It sucks, it is VERY frustrating, but it doesn't change the fact that people move on from LTR's in different ways. In my case, after a 4 year LTR, my ex got with someone at 1.5 months and they ended up marrying, so believe me when I say that I know how it feels. It may or may not work out for him. Chances are that finding out that he moved on before you, would have stung, no matter when it happened. I actually have a friend who felt stung when "the love of his life" got married even though he fully knew that they were incompatible, and he had already been happily married long before her and even had a kid. The human mind works in interesting ways. LOL.

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Given that you also have someone in your life, you should have a pretty good idea about what he's doing. Like you, he's being a little lost and single, or what everyone does after a breakup. Sometimes that's jumping into something serious that turns out to be a rebound, sometimes it's something legitimately serious, sometimes it's being alone, sometimes it's skimming the surface with a lot of different people. You seem to think you're being more respectful of your history because you know he's still on your mind, but I'm sure you're still on his as well, regardless of his actions. Hell, his actions could be a reflection of that.

 

Everyone flails in different ways after breakups. I'm currently in the middle of one, and can relate to how you're feeling. I've heard my ex has jumped around with a few guys and part of me is like: !? After all, last we spoke she told me she still loves me, wonders about me, and then days later is with someone else?! Oh, the sting of confusion! Then again, I've had a one night fling during the same period, have gone on a few dates, and ended up sleeping with an ex of ten years who I'm now very slowly exploring things with. So who am I to point fingers?

 

Unless you want to get back together, you have to just accept that he's going to do what he does. He's on his own journey now, and so are you.

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