How can I be a better Mum, struggling right now, please help.

[lostmylife]

I always wanted everything of the best for my kids, and I think/thought I was providing it fairly well up until 2016. We had everything, then when I had a total breakdown and lost my job (which I loved), something I never ever thought would happen to me, everything fell apart.

 

Since then I've been spiraling and now I just start self hating for my inability to be the mum I wanted to be for my kids. My husband for the most part is as bad as I am. He didn't suffer a breakdown but bears the emotional scars of living through mine, besides he was never completely competent. I've gone from being on top of my career and a fully participating parent (on top of homework, organising/attending play dates and activities, planinng brithdays that rock, buying the best gifts, making great meals, finding clothes they loved, all around a hectic career), to completely loosing the plot, barely able to read with my kids or buy groceries.

 

Everyday I wake up with the guilt of what I am putting my kids through - the house is not finished, a shambles, they don't have the emotional or financial support I imagined they would have, I'm barely even able to clean, get their clothes ready for school, or make food.

I don't know how to get out of this, I know I have to for my kids, I want the best for them, and I know there must be a way out, but right now I am struggling with seeing it.

 

Professional (psychiatry/psychology) help or drugs are not an option for me, I have tried this and it went very badly, however I do have supportive family/friends here. I've been crying on their shoulder, but they just tell either to be patient, or to start taking action, I know I need to take action, but I don't know how. I feel it helps sharing over an anonymous forum, and hoping that someone can relate a similar experience and how they got out, how they turned it around.

 

I am making all the same mistakes and worse than I had lived through growing up, something I never ever wanted to do, ever.

 

Any constructive advise please?

[ButterflyWrists]

You NEED professional help. And you need to find the right person for you. But you cannot do this without that. Or might be now, you're in a better place to accept professional help? You won't know until you try.

[Capricorn3]

Professional (psychiatry/psychology) help or drugs are not an option for me, I have tried this and it went very badly,

 

I am making all the same mistakes and worse than I had lived through growing up, something I never ever wanted to do, ever.

Why did professional help go very badly?

 

To be blunt, when reading your post, I come away with a very strong feeling that the ONLY help out there for you right now, with all that you describe, IS professional counselling/therapy. This is way beyond what a bunch of strangers on the internet can do. You NEED professional help.

[charity]

I think you need to give yourself a bit of a break. Doing all the kids stuff that you described is a full time job in itself. Right now your mental health is not at its best so I think you need to accept that and stop striving to be a 'perfect' mum. Can you try to be happy at doing the basics for now? For example, the house doesn't need to be amazing. Just keep it basically tidy. Cook simple meals and its ok to have fast food now and then. Forget playdates and parties for nw, you're not up to it so keep things easy. The kids probably won't notice. Go to bed earlier if possible.

 

You also need to figure out why you are feeling what you're feeling. Its not a nice place to be. But in the meantime, stop looking at the old 'perfect' you and go easy on the 'you' you are today.

[lostmylife]

I had a very bad reaction to the drugs I was given, and this led to more problems, each drug had a bad side effect that made me feel worse. The psychologists were great at listening but could not provide anymore insight than my own mind.

 

My husband's handling of our situation is no better than mine, worse, he can't manage to look after the kids either IMHO, but he doesn't think it is a problem, nor have a mental health issue it is just his normal state, I fear mine is a reaction, perhaps to the professional treatment I had which was so bad.

 

I've read alot on the internet, meditation, journalling, exercise, art therapy, music (if I could manage to play again), and a key element is a rewarding job for a sense of purose. I know I am a mother, but I am sure I could be a better mother if I had a job.

[lostmylife]

Charity thank-you, yes, accepting less than my ideal is probably a start, my kids are so forgiving, I just don't know how it got to this.

[Batya33]

"organising/attending play dates and activities, planinng brithdays that rock, buying the best gifts, making great meals, finding clothes they loved, all around a hectic career"

 

Those have little or nothing to do with being a good parent. Yes, it's important at a certain age that they socialize/interact with other kids, yes I'm a fan of picking an activity that they enjoy doing whether it's sports/music, whatever but being a good parent means being there and being present. It means if you are looking at your phone at 6:05am especially because you think your boss may have emailed you while she couldn't sleep and you haven't had coffee and your 8 year old kid says "wanna see a magic trick??" - you smile, put the phone down and watch your kid balance 6 Pokemon cards spread out on one hand. And give positive reinforcement in detail. Rinse repeat. Make those "sacrifices". Give hugs when they want them.

 

And show them your self-care -so it's ok to say "I need a sip of my coffee now that I've made your breakfast" or "while I am doing my 30 minute workout you cannot disturb me - it's my time". But aside from the necessities -food, clean clothes, clean place to sleep, etc you just have to be there. It's not about the "best gifts" or planning the best parties - just reading that makes me nauseous. Makes me think you're looking at too many mom groups on Facebook or - gasp - Pinterest. Cut it out, ok?

 

My child often doesn't have his hair brushed before we rush to the bus stop but since he was a newborn I sing him a little song I made up that is basically about thanking god for having him in our family. Every day and often I'm stroking his unbrushed unruly hair. I do a humanistic blessing every night before we read him a story. And we talk about three of the good things he did that day. He hates me when I make him eat apples or any kind of fruit or vegetable and then he loves me to pieces afterwards for enforcing that rule -because he knows I am doing it to keep him healthy. Show your child your values, your standards, your boundaries - be an example of politeness and manners and point out every positive thing he does -not as some sort of over the top celebration but simple matter of fact labeling "I liked how you waited for the older person to get off the bus first." "Thank you for not throwing your socks after taking them off". Yes, make memories but honestly the lasting memories often have little to do with the Pinterest birthday parties or the "best gifts".

 

And yes get professional help. Good luck. You can do this and if your husband is not "competent" hire someone to help you.

[IAmFCA]

"organising/attending play dates and activities, planinng brithdays that rock, buying the best gifts, making great meals, finding clothes they loved, all around a hectic career"

 

Those have little or nothing to do with being a good parent. Yes, it's important at a certain age that they socialize/interact with other kids, yes I'm a fan of picking an activity that they enjoy doing whether it's sports/music, whatever but being a good parent means being there and being present. It means if you are looking at your phone at 6:05am especially because you think your boss may have emailed you while she couldn't sleep and you haven't had coffee and your 8 year old kid says "wanna see a magic trick??" - you smile, put the phone down and watch your kid balance 6 Pokemon cards spread out on one hand. And give positive reinforcement in detail. Rinse repeat. Make those "sacrifices". Give hugs when they want them.

 

And show them your self-care -so it's ok to say "I need a sip of my coffee now that I've made your breakfast" or "while I am doing my 30 minute workout you cannot disturb me - it's my time". But aside from the necessities -food, clean clothes, clean place to sleep, etc you just have to be there. It's not about the "best gifts" or planning the best parties - just reading that makes me nauseous. Makes me think you're looking at too many mom groups on Facebook or - gasp - Pinterest. Cut it out, ok?

 

My child often doesn't have his hair brushed before we rush to the bus stop but since he was a newborn I sing him a little song I made up that is basically about thanking god for having him in our family. Every day and often I'm stroking his unbrushed unruly hair. I do a humanistic blessing every night before we read him a story. And we talk about three of the good things he did that day. He hates me when I make him eat apples or any kind of fruit or vegetable and then he loves me to pieces afterwards for enforcing that rule -because he knows I am doing it to keep him healthy. Show your child your values, your standards, your boundaries - be an example of politeness and manners and point out every positive thing he does -not as some sort of over the top celebration but simple matter of fact labeling "I liked how you waited for the older person to get off the bus first." "Thank you for not throwing your socks after taking them off". Yes, make memories but honestly the lasting memories often have little to do with the Pinterest birthday parties or the "best gifts".

 

And yes get professional help. Good luck. You can do this and if your husband is not "competent" hire someone to help you.

 

This is great advice.

 

Your appreciation - of everything, yourself, your health, your family, the kindness of the person at the checkout counter, the rain, the sun, the darkness that lets us rest and recover to be ready for the gift of another day - Your appreciation will teach your kids to see the gifts that surround them, and the gifts within them.

 

Focus on what you have/do, and your whole perspective changes. Abolish guilt and worry. Neither is constructive.

 

Appreciate yourself!

[Silverbirch]

"organising/attending play dates and activities, planinng brithdays that rock, buying the best gifts, making great meals, finding clothes they loved, all around a hectic career"

 

Those have little or nothing to do with being a good parent. Yes, it's important at a certain age that they socialize/interact with other kids, yes I'm a fan of picking an activity that they enjoy doing whether it's sports/music, whatever but being a good parent means being there and being present. It means if you are looking at your phone at 6:05am especially because you think your boss may have emailed you while she couldn't sleep and you haven't had coffee and your 8 year old kid says "wanna see a magic trick??" - you smile, put the phone down and watch your kid balance 6 Pokemon cards spread out on one hand. And give positive reinforcement in detail. Rinse repeat. Make those "sacrifices". Give hugs when they want them.

 

And show them your self-care -so it's ok to say "I need a sip of my coffee now that I've made your breakfast" or "while I am doing my 30 minute workout you cannot disturb me - it's my time". But aside from the necessities -food, clean clothes, clean place to sleep, etc you just have to be there. It's not about the "best gifts" or planning the best parties - just reading that makes me nauseous. Makes me think you're looking at too many mom groups on Facebook or - gasp - Pinterest. Cut it out, ok?

 

My child often doesn't have his hair brushed before we rush to the bus stop but since he was a newborn I sing him a little song I made up that is basically about thanking god for having him in our family. Every day and often I'm stroking his unbrushed unruly hair. I do a humanistic blessing every night before we read him a story. And we talk about three of the good things he did that day. He hates me when I make him eat apples or any kind of fruit or vegetable and then he loves me to pieces afterwards for enforcing that rule -because he knows I am doing it to keep him healthy. Show your child your values, your standards, your boundaries - be an example of politeness and manners and point out every positive thing he does -not as some sort of over the top celebration but simple matter of fact labeling "I liked how you waited for the older person to get off the bus first." "Thank you for not throwing your socks after taking them off". Yes, make memories but honestly the lasting memories often have little to do with the Pinterest birthday parties or the "best gifts".

 

And yes get professional help. Good luck. You can do this and if your husband is not "competent" hire someone to help you.

 

 

Awww, I love this. Helps me feel that Im a good mother. I too think of the things I can't manage - trying for so many years to be super mum, but really, I was okay.