Ex-wife disassembled my life. Trying to make a major life decision. Long read.

[Shamelessly]

(The first thread never posted, so second try here)

 

Going to keep this as short as possible, please bear with me. I am a writer, so at least this might be enjoyable in some way to read. I’m trying to make a major life decision:

 

I am 32 years old, a resident of CA, born in NJ where the rest of my family lives. I moved here after a 6 year-long, loving relationship looking for new opportunities and adventures. I met a woman a few months after I arrived, and we instantly connected on a level I had never experienced before. She had 2 children from a previous marriage, and lived about an hour and a half away from me. I had zero connections where I had moved to, and after taking most of my time spending the night with her for a month straight, I moved into her small home on a farm. I had yet to find permanent work so instead, I attended college while caring for the kids while she finished her bachelors and worked. Her father passed away a few months later, leaving us a huge sum of money, property, and cars. We decided to marry after 10 months of being together, using a bunch of money for the wedding. No one on both sides objected to the union and had nothing but support due to how happy we both were. She completely transformed my life and for the first time in a very long time, I felt happy in such a complete way. This is not to say everything was perfect, no sir. She had a raging temper and suffered from many of the negative personality traits of a Type A only child would have.

 

Fast forward 2 years later, still going to school but struggling majorly with taking care of the children. These kids, now 3 and 6, were starting to wear on my ability to function with how much energy and attention I had to dedicate to them. I drove roughly 3-4 hours a day getting them to and from school/daycare while I went to class. The days I had them were pure stress from 5AM to 9PM. Depression and anxiety, which I had always struggled with, started to come onto me tenfold. There were several occasions where I found myself questioning if my love for my wife would overcome my growing sadness taking care of the kids. I loved her so deeply and would gladly lay my life down for hers, but I found myself faltering.

 

One day while sitting in class, I felt a shiver go up my spine - a cold, dead feeling that shot right up to my skull, and everything in my world changed in an instant. That day, I lost all will to eat and started living off Ensure to keep going. I couldn’t drive safely due to panic attacks while on the road. I couldn’t sleep at night due to hypnic jerks. Soon after, I found myself incapacitated and struggling to get through every single day, and I felt a huge ravine grow between my wife and I. I started to go to a support group set up by my medical provider which turned out to be a gigantic waste of time - but I met a younger woman there and we became friends, strictly platonic in every way. I had no real friends of my own due to being new to the state, and everyone else I knew was her friend first. My wife detested my friendship and demanded I end it because she felt it was not appropriate, despite that she had younger male friends. My situation continued to decline. During this time she came into yet another inheritance of $250,000, to which she put in a seperate account to “keep safe in case of anything happening”. She started to not come home right after work like usual: going to the gym, hanging out with friends, shopping. I felt abandoned and she did not seem to care in the slightest.

 

On July 1st of last year, I was served divorce papers. She demanded I immediately leave the house, just take my personal possessions and vacate. It was in this time that I discovered she had named the legal titling to everything we owned in the “OR” category, as opposed to “AND”, meaning that in CA I did not have to be present to make sales on property. I officially owned nothing, and was left with virtually nothing but the clothes on my back. She prepared for the divorce before we were even married, which to this day still blows my mind. I moved back in with my parents and degraded into a shell of a person. I had $100 and my motorcycle (which was stuck in CA) to my name, no way to get back, and no job prospects. I slept for 16 hours a day, contemplated suicide every waking hour, and watched on Facebook as my wife went on vacations, bought a house with the inheritance, got a new job, and went on as if I did not exist in any way. 2 years of my life just vanished and every single person I had met in that time cut me off and never spoke to me again. Being devastated doesn’t even begin to describe my emotional state for the next 3 months.

 

In August, she made a mention that if I managed to get my life back together, she would consider taking me back someday. With nothing left to live for, I took the bait even though I was still in a pit of suicidal depression. I worked out every single day, and ate next to nothing. I started doing odd jobs to save money for a plane ticket back to CA. I spent time with family members and sobbed my eyes out about my divorce. Eventually I had enough to fly out and live in a room at my aunt's place 2 hours south of my old home. I found two meager jobs and started to talk to people despite my shy nature, studied furiously for my IT certifications, started going solo hiking on the weekends, and managed to buy myself a new-ish car. In December I wrote a very, very long email to my ex-wife telling her of my progress and how much I loved her. She responded by saying that she would like to meet with me and talk. Since July, I felt the first mote of happiness come over me. The following day, she emailed me again saying she decided not to meet and that she hopes I have a good life. And that was it, everything I was working for was suddenly gone. After that day, I never heard from her again, the love of my life had officially vanished. That day, a part of me died inside, and I will never get that back.

 

In the coming months, I spent going on pointless dates to sate my own sorrow. I filled my bed with warm bodies that meant nothing while searching for a reason to keep going. In March, it finally happened - I logged into Facebook for the first time 9 months to discover my wife was in another relationship before our divorce was even finalized. She started talking to me as I was packing the day I was served, she said to me: “I have no desire to be in another relationship, I want to spend at least a year alone to work on myself since I have been married for almost 10 years (8 with her ex, 1 with me)”. I believed her, and that was my folly. Although by the time I found the relationship, it seemed to have already ended, but the pain still spiked in my heart.

 

In April, I met a girl that I clicked with, to which we were in the same situation - needing a place to live very soon. Although not the most fortuitous decision, we moved into together as it is almost impossible to live on your own in the Bay Area. While things were alright in the beginning, the relationship almost completely dissolved within 2 months. It turned out that she was manipulative, verbally and physically abusive, extreme temper, irresponsible, a slob, and entitled. She never meets her financial obligations and places them on me. Her car was repossessed and I let her use mine until she got another one (she never did). This all means that I have zero money, no transportation, and being treated like every day. I have retreated into my deepest of depressions and simply do not have any of the drive I started this year with. I barely leave the house, associate with no one, dread waking up and fear the hours she is home. The lease is not up until June but I feel like I am at the point where I am ready to abandon the apartment.

 

So here is my big decision. I could leave this apartment, take the hit, and move back in with my parents to turn over a new leaf. Or, I can stay here until June, trying not to take my own life in absolute sorrow. Maybe try to find a room to stay in, although that is nto what I want. Now, it would seem like I have the answer already carved out for me, but I feel like my pride is getting in the way of making that move. Going back home again means that I am retreating after already being screwed over by another woman, one I loved more than anything. Now I’m just being forced out. While I will have that security and love of my family, it kills me to no end that my ex wife is living a good life while I am suffering and constantly failing. I don't want to give up, but I have searched my soul for answers and have come up with nothing. It feels like I have nothing to show for my life, and now that I am 32, it’s pathetic that I cannot stand on my own two feet and survive.

 

Maybe someone out there has gone through a similar situation, I don’t know. Thank you for reading.

[DanZee]

I'm afraid that because of what you've been through, you are suffering from depression and PTSD. You need to seek out professional help to put yourself on the right path. Your college should have a Psych Services department or can refer you to someone. And your health insurance should also allow you some professional visits. You've also gone from one abusive relationship to another one with your roommate. You need to get away from her, but it does look like you're stuck until June unless you just walk away or can get her out somehow. You might just want to stay away when she's there. You could hang out at a library or at school. As you probably already know, inheritances don't have to be shared in California divorces, so there will be help there. But I do think you won't be able to get out of this funk on your own and you need some professional help.

[Clio]

It sounds like you need to be with people who have your back so going back home is probably the best option. You need to get out of the toxic situation you are in. Once back home, use your time wisely to get back on your feet. There is no shame in asking for the help of your family as long as you genuinely try to get back on your feet.

 

Regarding your ex-wife, you need to let go of the victim mentality. Unless I am missing something, her lifestyle comes from HER family money NOT from your assets. Imo, you need to strive to make yourself financially independent at all times and never rely on anyone financially. You were not ready to take up children responsibilities, so you may want to stay away from such situations in the future until you are ready to deal with such pressure. It sounds like you did take a big leap there. What is done is done though. Sadly things did not work out. It happens. You now need to stay away from your ex-wife's social media and remain on strict No Contact. Her actions have no relevance whatsoever to you anymore. Following her on social media or otherwise is toxic for your peace of mind.

 

Overall, two years of your life is nothing in the grand scheme of things. Other people end decades long relationships or marriages and find themselves alone in much older ages so things could have been a lot worse. You are young and you can most definitely start over. Blaming your current situation on two out of the 32 years of your life on this earth sounds strange to me. Imo you need to reevaluate your line of thinking. You are an adult. Depending on another to pull you through life is extremely risky and tends to lead to relationship break down. You need to learn to solidly stand on your own two feet before you can share your life with another or you risk falling into codependent/unhealthy/toxic situations.

 

Working on your education/ certifications was/ is a good plan and it sounds like you were on the right track for a time. You need to resume trying but this time do it for YOU not for another person. It also sounds like you are battling with depression tendencies. That's a difficult battle and you should seek as much professional help as you need. Good luck!

[Giblesp]

Correct me if Im wrong, but it sounds like it was her home to begin with. The inheritance was from her father to her, so that is hers. So you haven't lost anything material.

 

Your ex is an awful person, she left you when you were down but would consider you again if you got your health back. After all the time you spent looking after her children?! After she's probably been banging the young men? You have to have some self respect here.

 

The key is to look out for the signs of anger issues early and get out of there early. You get what you tolerate, don't tolerate anger and immaturity in your personal life.

 

Keep focusing on the self healing, keep your mind in the here and now.

[semaj281]

Unfortunately all break ups and divorces can seem like the end of the world especially if a lot of emotions were vested. For now you need to worry about what is happening now and that is your current situation with the apartment. If your roommate is not meeting her end of the bargain I am sure that is grounds to have her evicted. Look up your local laws on how this is done because every state might have a different process.

 

And going back to what you said about the cold shiver running up your spine, do you know what were the causes of this? You don't have to share but it will be worth mentioning this to a therapist and why it may have happened so he/she can better help you.

[tattoobunnie]

These kids, now 3 and 6, were starting to wear on my ability to function with how much energy and attention I had to dedicate to them...I found myself faltering

 

That's what parenting is; listening to one kid say poop over an over and they think it's hysterical. Why didn't you tell her that you were overwhelmed? You both had enough money to get a nanny. I am sure there is so much more to the story then, one day she decided to not love you anymore.

 

What happened to this woman?

I moved here after a 6 year-long, loving relationship looking for new opportunities and adventures

Sounds like you just tossed her when life is not full of adventures, just like you were doing to your ex-wife.

 

Not for nothing, you sound like you need constant drama in your life, and could use a swift kick. Instead of sleeping, you need to force yourself up, and FAKE it till you MAKE it. Look for a job. Talk to people, new, old, say hi and smile to strangers. Stop moving so fast with new ladies, trying to use them to fill that void in your life. You need to fill it up. It's no one else's job to make you happy. Go volunteer. Go find your bliss. It's not through a woman.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry this happened but moving in with women out of financial desperation rarely works out. Move back home and get steady employment and any medical help you need.

[Hollyj]

It sounds like you need to be with people who have your back so going back home is probably the best option. You need to get out of the toxic situation you are in. Once back home, use your time wisely to get back on your feet. There is no shame in asking for the help of your family as long as you genuinely try to get back on your feet.

 

Regarding your ex-wife, you need to let go of the victim mentality. Unless I am missing something, her lifestyle comes from HER family money NOT from your assets. Imo, you need to strive to make yourself financially independent at all times and never rely on anyone financially. You were not ready to take up children responsibilities, so you may want to stay away from such situations in the future until you are ready to deal with such pressure. It sounds like you did take a big leap there. What is done is done though. Sadly things did not work out. It happens. You now need to stay away from your ex-wife's social media and remain on strict No Contact. Her actions have no relevance whatsoever to you anymore. Following her on social media or otherwise is toxic for your peace of mind.

 

Overall, two years of your life is nothing in the grand scheme of things. Other people end decades long relationships or marriages and find themselves alone in much older ages so things could have been a lot worse. You are young and you can most definitely start over. Blaming your current situation on two out of the 32 years of your life on this earth sounds strange to me. Imo you need to reevaluate your line of thinking. You are an adult. Depending on another to pull you through life is extremely risky and tends to lead to relationship break down. You need to learn to solidly stand on your own two feet before you can share your life with another or you risk falling into codependent/unhealthy/toxic situations.

 

Working on your education/ certifications was/ is a good plan and it sounds like you were on the right track for a time. You need to resume trying but this time do it for YOU not for another person. It also sounds like you are battling with depression tendencies. That's a difficult battle and you should seek as much professional help as you need. Good luck!

 

Totally agree! OP, this was never your money. It was hers. I also agree with the victim mentality.

 

Move back to NJ, get a job and please seek counseling.

[AtitAgain]

Look man... You need to become a man. I am not saying get XY chromosomes, or sleep with women, or whatever. A man takes care of himself and when crap hits the fan, he figures things out and doesn't rely on other people. Have you ever heard of the expression "Alpha Male" - that is the direct opposite to what you have portrayed in your post.

 

Please, for your own sake, get some self-respect, love yourself first, realize that you are a powerful and amazing human being and that you deserve better. Then get the hell up and go figure your life out - no one else is going to do it for you.