Lunch with my Ex-Boyfriend today!

[Starlight925]

I have several threads about this relationship, but abridged:

1.5 years together.

I ended it 4 months ago due to lying, inconsistent stories, multiple exes who continually crossed boundaries and he wouldn't enforce boundaries, shady cell phone behavior (phone always face-down, texts that went unanswered in my presence).

 

I had loaned him a t.v. when we were together, and when we broke up, I asked for it back, but he refused, claiming it was a gift. Um, no, never was a gift, but I didn't feel like fighting, so I wrote it off and decided it was gone.

 

Minimal contact since the breakup, but haven't seen each other. He texted me to tell me he got a new t.v. and offered mine back. "Offered" my own t.v. back to me. Nice.

 

He brought me the t.v., and we went across the street to a casual lunch. Where he basically asked if we could give it another go.

 

Um, notachance.

 

After the breakup, I immersed myself, obsessively I'll admit, in online searches, studies, videos, books, and in-person therapy about narcissism and its stages. There are clear, classic patterns, and I can now see them with crystal precision.....in retrospect, it was all done to perfect narcissistic cadence.

 

Today's meeting followed a precise, specific narcissistic pattern: "hoovering" with promises that "things will be different". He asked me if the things that I had a problem with before were "correctable", and I said, clearly and flatly, "No". I went on to tell him that after the last lie, I decided that would be the last time anyone ever lied to me again, as that is now my responsibility, to not stay with someone who lies. And that I now have a zero tolerance policy, and that the chances were already given.

 

I let him talk, and he shared that he's stopped seeing this one post-breakup girl, but she's "crazy" and won't stop calling/texting. I just kept thinking, oh how convenient that it fits with all your other exes. He also has lost his job (which I knew about), and he's in terrible financial shape, so he's looking for a woman who can help support him. He even said that one job he interviewed for, which would be very low pay at first, would be great if he was married and his wife could support him. Parasitic existence....another narc trait.

 

He also told me a couple of other dating stories, and I thought.....you mother**er, you lied to me months ago when you told me something else at the time. We were broken up, but it's like a disease for him. He just can't stop the lying.

 

Since the breakup, I started to date a little, but I took myself out of the loop to just get my head back on straight. Funny enough, I now have zero interest in dating, and I've been kept very busy with friends, family, work, and my own enjoyable solitude.

 

Sitting there in the knowledge of all that I've learned, I was so happy I spent all that time digging through, as I might otherwise have said, oh, he seems sincere, and I'm alone, sure, let's try.

 

But instead, I just thought: "Thank you for your hoover technique. I realize you are doing this because you have just ended things with someone and now your narcissistic supply is low, and I am conveniently available. You no longer have a Primary Supply, so you'd like to reinstate me back to that position, as you are in need of supply. I won't allow you to lead your parasitic existence off of me for your financial needs. I won't be around for your future lying/escapades, nor will I be around to worry about why your exes keep calling you.

 

We paid our own lunch tabs, and I left.

 

And I'm sitting here with zero emotion about it, just.....done.

[boltnrun]

My ex tried to pull me back in whenever he fought with his girlfriend (who, incidentally, he cheated on me with and left me for oh, and she was engaged to and living with his own nephew) because he hates himself and cannot stand to be alone with the one person in the world he completely despises...himself. He NEEDS a woman to give him attention and show him how wonderful she thinks he is and he needs to see how far she's willing to go to see him and do things for him.

 

Fortunately I am on to him and I don't love him. I don't even like him, I think he's garbage and his guilt trips and passive-aggressive tactics no longer work on me.

 

It was funny to watch him scramble from one tactic to another to try to suck me back in (guilt trip, self-pity, passive-aggressiveness, being mean and saying nasty things, etc.). I would wait for him to go to the next tactic and almost checked them off like a grocery list ("Yep, he went from guilt trip to self-pity! Next will be insults! Yep, got that right!").

 

I've now blocked him, unfriended him on every platform and stopped communicating with his friends and family. I have no contact whatsoever with him and my life feels much "cleaner".

 

Hopefully you will no longer have any reason to communicate with or see this man ever again.

[Seraphim]

Why did you feel the need to have lunch ?

[Honeycomb8]

Block him haha I did that with my last long term ex, and boyyyyy was it the right thing to do.

[Starlight925]

Fortunately I am on to him and I don't love him. I don't even like him, I think he's garbage and his guilt trips and passive-aggressive tactics no longer work on me.

 

This was what I felt today. The lies told me that he doesn't respect me, because you can't lie to someone you truly respect. And someone who doesn't respect me doesn't get my respect for them. So, I no longer respect him. Once that's gone, it's gone.

 

I also made sure not to fall back into my supportive, Empath, co-dependent pattern of "there there, let me help you find a job/listen to your dating woes/etc." He tried to play the "I don't have anyone to go to NYE parties with, etc."

 

He's also having trouble finding a job, and I've had to job-search many times in my life, and I've had lots of luck, so that would have been my natural rhythm. To pull up jobs for him, help him with applications, the whole thing. My previous self would have taken this on as a job itself. Instead, I just said, "uh huh. Really?" as I ate my salad and sipped my tea. I literally showed zero emotion.

 

In fact, the waitress actually brought us separate checks, and he looked at me and said, "Why did she do that? We've eaten here tons before, and they never do separate checks". I looked him straight in the eyes and said, "She can read our body language".

[Starlight925]

Why did you feel the need to have lunch ?

 

There was no need, but it was great to have the discussion, and close the loop for myself.

 

People say you don't need closure, but I completely and vehemently disagree.

 

Several years ago, a BF left our relationship suddenly, and without closure. It took me well over a year to stop crying, stop wailing, stop checking my phone. I desperately needed closure.

 

This one, I wanted to make sure I could get past it on my own terms, as after that last one ended, I swore I'd never let myself spend that much time getting over something again. So this time, I spent hours upon hours searching for answers, online, from therapy, and yes, from him.

 

So, I got my answers, and I am in such a better state now than I was after that last ending. I also now know that I could run into this ex somewhere without a strange feeling, without butterflies, with just....nothing. Which is awesome.

[Seraphim]

Ok. I guess I can see in a way. It took me to be 51 to not let my dad rile me up and realize he will never be a dad and he was never a dad and now I can leave all that in the past.

 

At the same time logic tells me we can never get one second of time back that we waste on an idiot.

[boltnrun]

My ex's response when he realized his old tactics weren't working...it was so hilarious. He accused me of never loving him and of not caring about him. I just said "Hmm". Then I said "Well, don't worry, I'm sure A cares about you and loves you". And he became furious, yelling into the phone that A is NOT his girlfriend! And I said "Yeah, OK, sure she's not". He was so enraged and frustrated he couldn't even get proper words out.

 

He also was furious when I told him he was not welcome at my birthday party. I hadn't blocked him yet and he wrote something very insulting on my Facebook wall, following it up with "Just kidding!" That minute, I blocked him.

 

What a waste of mind space. I think of him now only when I write advice on forums or when someone asks me about my dating history, and I don't sugar coat my own actions (because I was 110% responsible for allowing him to treat me badly) or give him the benefit of any kind of "diagnosis" that makes it seem like it absolves him of responsibility for his actions. I just say he's a jerk loser, he chose to be a jerk loser, and I wish I'd never spend a minute around him. Period.

 

The only thing I feel I need to work on getting rid of is the regret for time wasted and feeling angry with myself for having such low self esteem that I actually wanted this guy. I'm having a hard time forgiving myself for that.

[Starlight925]

logic tells me we can never get one second of time back that we waste on an idiot.

 

Absolutely! Unfortunately, logic and emotion are two different things. I'm 55, and I'm still dealing with emotions stemming from the mother I grew up with, as she's still here, still pulling her same stuff. Logic would have me just say, "Deal with it and move on", but these are emotions, and so much more complicated.

 

I am a very logical person though! So, logical thinking appeals to me! And logic tells me that if I put in the time now with this exBF, I'll be done sooner.

 

I can get completely immersed in something new that I'm learning, which is what I've done with all the stuff I've learned about exBF. I haven't looked at any of the sites I've bookmarked, or videos, or books, for a few weeks now, which is telling me, logically, that I've gleaned what I need to, and I can now fully move on. Which is what I did today, applying the knowledge. Kind of like learning a new skill: reading all the books, viewing the videos, and then finally putting it into action.

[Starlight925]

My ex's response when he realized his old tactics weren't working...it was so hilarious. He accused me of never loving him and of not caring about him. I just said "Hmm". Then I said "Well, don't worry, I'm sure A cares about you and loves you". And he became furious, yelling into the phone that A is NOT his girlfriend! And I said "Yeah, OK, sure she's not". He was so enraged and frustrated he couldn't even get proper words out.

 

He also was furious when I told him he was not welcome at my birthday party. I hadn't blocked him yet and he wrote something very insulting on my Facebook wall, following it up with "Just kidding!" That minute, I blocked him.

 

What a waste of mind space. I think of him now only when I write advice on forums or when someone asks me about my dating history, and I don't sugar coat my own actions (because I was 110% responsible for allowing him to treat me badly) or give him the benefit of any kind of "diagnosis" that makes it seem like it absolves him of responsibility for his actions. I just say he's a jerk loser, he chose to be a jerk loser, and I wish I'd never spend a minute around him. Period.

 

The only thing I feel I need to work on getting rid of is the regret for time wasted and feeling angry with myself for having such low self esteem that I actually wanted this guy. I'm having a hard time forgiving myself for that.

 

So true, all of it!

 

I posted this on someone else's thread, but this is how I feel about him now: I feel like I've pulled the curtain off the Wizard, and I now see him as just a scared little man trying to control a whole bunch of stuff. Once the curtain was pulled back, it's like, oh, that's all? Ok, I can go now.

[Starlight925]

I'm also 100% convinced that he's just who he is: whether I call it a narcissist or a lying jerk**, he's not going to change. It would be another go-round of lovebombing, as he'd be so happy to have me back initially, and then it would just be more of the same: who is that, how come she's texting, that story doesn't add up. That, plus he's financially unstable, and he'd want to marry me for financial stability.

 

Not. A. Chance.

 

For whatever reason, this has been a great year for me for friendships, better family relationships, good job stuff, etc. I just seem to have a pesky 10 lbs. or so (my own fault!!!), and a few other things I'd like to work on.....including any future relationship stuff.

 

I'm spending NYE alone (by choice), and I'd like to do some sort of.....Vision board? Ritual? Meditation? Any ideas?

[Seraphim]

Absolutely! Unfortunately, logic and emotion are two different things. I'm 55, and I'm still dealing with emotions stemming from the mother I grew up with, as she's still here, still pulling her same stuff. Logic would have me just say, "Deal with it and move on", but these are emotions, and so much more complicated.

 

I am a very logical person though! So, logical thinking appeals to me! And logic tells me that if I put in the time now with this exBF, I'll be done sooner.

 

I can get completely immersed in something new that I'm learning, which is what I've done with all the stuff I've learned about exBF. I haven't looked at any of the sites I've bookmarked, or videos, or books, for a few weeks now, which is telling me, logically, that I've gleaned what I need to, and I can now fully move on. Which is what I did today, applying the knowledge. Kind of like learning a new skill: reading all the books, viewing the videos, and then finally putting it into action.

 

Oh believe me I get it. I have had a very difficult life. Emotions and logic are different . And I am a very emotional person. But marrying logic and emotion and brings greater peace .

[Hollyj]

I hope that he is now blocked???

[SweetGirl28]

This guy is a nightmare. Trying to be a leech, then would revert back to his old ways.

Good for you on being strong and not taking him back.

Beware any man who claims to have all crazy exe's. Most likely he said the same about you

to people also. Good riddance.

[Starlight925]

This guy is a nightmare. Trying to be a leech, then would revert back to his old ways.

Good for you on being strong and not taking him back.

Beware any man who claims to have all crazy exe's. Most likely he said the same about you

to people also. Good riddance.

 

Thank you! Yes, I now see this as so true.

[chitown9]

My ex-husband has a narcissistic personality disorder, diagnosed by myself. I absolutely adored him until I found out the true stuff he was made off. He is very handsome and charming, but as you stated, I soon found that the little man behind the curtain was not the Wizard of Oz, but just the little man behind the curtain. He was a liar and had 3 girlfriends during the course of our marriage. I was his narcissistic supply in the sense that I offered him financial security as well and took very good care of him. The picture he posted on a dating site of himself was taken in MY BATHROOM wearing the SHIRT THAT I PURCHASED for him.

 

Once you know, you know....and I was just so done with him, which is something I never would have thought possible at one time. So good for you. Knowledge is power. chi

[Starlight925]

My ex-husband has a narcissistic personality disorder, diagnosed by myself. I absolutely adored him until I found out the true stuff he was made off. He is very handsome and charming, but as you stated, I soon found that the little man behind the curtain was not the Wizard of Oz, but just the little man behind the curtain. He was a liar and had 3 girlfriends during the course of our marriage. I was his narcissistic supply in the sense that I offered him financial security as well and took very good care of him. The picture he posted on a dating site of himself was taken in MY BATHROOM wearing the SHIRT THAT I PURCHASED for him.

 

Once you know, you know....and I was just so done with him, which is something I never would have thought possible at one time. So good for you. Knowledge is power. chi

 

Exactly....the bolded especially.

 

So sorry you had to endure that, chitown.

 

Once you realize this, you can't unsee it. So now, all I see is a pathetic jerk.

 

The only reason I care now that he's a narcissist, and the label of it, is it will help me for my future, as my mother, I've figured out, is also a narcissist. Repeating childhood patterns much? LOL. So that's what I have to work on for the future.

 

And yes, my exBF too, used a pic for his dating site that I not only took, but a shirt & baseball cap that I bought him, on his birthday, at a baseball game. His caption: "New shirt & hat". Um yeah, that I bought him.