Last-Minute Cancellations

[lgh]

I've been with my boyfriend for about 9 months. Up until now, we hadn't had any real issues and we recently moved in together. Everything seems to be going really well except that lately my boyfriend has been bailing on plans that are important to me. I'm trying to be understanding, but I also have communicated to him that I feel hurt when he cancels plans at the last minute. For example, he committed to my company holiday party and then the day before said he really didn't want to go and instead brought friends to hang out with him at the hotel while I went alone.

 

For New Years, we committed to going to my parent's house for a small party. I asked him several times if he was ok with it because I didn't want a repeat of the holiday party - he said he was fine with it and that I should tell my parent's we would be there. Today, he told me that he's not going to go and he doesn't see why it's a big deal to me. I'm not sure how to explain this to my parents, and I'm not sure how to address it with him. While I understand not always wanting to go out or travel for the holidays, this is becoming an issue that extends not only to bigger events but also to just a simple dinner with friends or a date night.

 

I'm at a loss as to how to move forward - I don't want to make a big deal of it but at the same time I'm not sure this is something I can be ok with.

[ThatwasThen]

I've been with my boyfriend for about 9 months. Up until now, we hadn't had any real issues and we recently moved in together. Everything seems to be going really well except that lately my boyfriend has been bailing on plans that are important to me. I'm trying to be understanding, but I also have communicated to him that I feel hurt when he cancels plans at the last minute. For example, he committed to my company holiday party and then the day before said he really didn't want to go and instead brought friends to hang out with him at the hotel while I went alone.

You should have told him to leave and to lose your number. That is totally disrespectful so I have to ask why you would allow someone to treat you like that?

 

For New Years, we committed to going to my parent's house for a small party. I asked him several times if he was ok with it because I didn't want a repeat of the holiday party - he said he was fine with it and that I should tell my parent's we would be there. Today, he told me that he's not going to go and he doesn't see why it's a big deal to me. I'm not sure how to explain this to my parents, and I'm not sure how to address it with him.

You break up with him so that you can get over him and be able to find a guy that isn't a douche bag. Then you tell your parents that you broke up with the d-bag so you'll be coming alone. Ask them if you can have your old bedroom back.

 

While I understand not always wanting to go out or travel for the holidays, this is becoming an issue that extends not only to bigger events but also to just a simple dinner with friends or a date night.

He is priming you to go solo for every event that doesn't entail what HE wants to do. You are enabling him to not have to go because you allow him to get away with it instead of telling him outright that this is not what you signed up for and if he can't go to your mothers then you can't continue on with him.

 

I'm at a loss as to how to move forward - I don't want to make a big deal of it but at the same time I'm not sure this is something I can be ok with.

Telling him that you're not going to tolerate going solo to events when you have a boyfriend that should be going with you. Then you break up with him because he's a poor choice for a life partner.

 

He's showing you clearly who he is. Thing is, you aren't doing anything but enabling him to be exactly who you complain about.

[Wiseman2]

It sounds like he's acquiescing to plans that he really doesn't want to do and bails last minute believing it will spare him any headache about it. It's inconsiderate to not tell you directly and promptly that he has no interest in going. It seems you moved in rather quickly, why is that?

 

It also seems that he's feeling constraint and is rebelling this way. He doesn't seem in with both feet.

I also have communicated to him that I feel hurt when he cancels plans at the last minute.

[lgh]

We had been seeing each other for about 6 months but were commuting 2 hours each way to do so. He asked me to move in so we could give it a real shot and I moved out of state to be with him.

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately it seems like a trail period. now you are seeing more of his true colors. Perhaps it's time you move back home?

He asked me to move in so we could give it a real shot and I moved out of state to be with him.

[Starlight925]

1) Too much too soon. 6 months, LDR, is waaaaaay too soon to decide to move in together.

2) Furthermore, you were the one who moved, out of state no less. He didn't have to do anything except clear a couple of drawers. Yet you uprooted your life.

3) He wanted to give it a real shot? B.S. He wanted regular sex, for which he could put in minimal effort.

4) Honeymoon period is over. He's done trying to impress you. He figures, you moved to be with him, so you have very little say in things, and you know no one but him, so he can come and go as he pleases, which includes cancelling on things with you that he doesn't want to go to.

 

Move back home. Never look back. Be done with this selfish jerk.

[Hollyj]

How selfish and inconsiderate.

 

Screw him. Go to your parents and enjoy. Don't allow your social pans to revolve around this jerk. It will get worse!

 

Dump him!

[annie24]

I see 2 main issues:

 

1) He's agreeing to go, then changing his mind at the last moment without a real emergency reason (has the flu, boss demanded he work late, etc...). That's worse than just saying from the get-go "I don't want to go."

 

2) He's not showing up to important social obligations as a couple. I don't think spending an evening with the in-laws or the partner's coworkers is at the top of anyone's list, but some things are expected in a relationship. You go, you put on a smile and eat for 3 hours, you leave. If he's blowing off these events, I'd say that he's not too serious about being a bf.

[catfeeder]

While I understand not always wanting to go out or travel for the holidays, this is becoming an issue that extends not only to bigger events but also to just a simple dinner with friends or a date night.

 

You've given two big examples that the most sympathetic partner could try to write off as some kind of social anxiety about accompanying you to events where he's a fish out of water. But if the above is the case, where he's flaking on simple couple's stuff, then you'll need to decide whether staying with someone who's not interested in being a couple beyond the bedroom is something you're willing to settle for.

 

I'd start with the question, "If this is the most that BF offers me--no less, but no more--do I want to stay or go?" If the answer is stay, then there you are. If the answer is go, then the next question becomes, "When?"

[lilyv]

1) Too much too soon. 6 months, LDR, is waaaaaay too soon to decide to move in together.

2) Furthermore, you were the one who moved, out of state no less. He didn't have to do anything except clear a couple of drawers. Yet you uprooted your life.

3) He wanted to give it a real shot? B.S. He wanted regular sex, for which he could put in minimal effort.

4) Honeymoon period is over. He's done trying to impress you. He figures, you moved to be with him, so you have very little say in things, and you know no one but him, so he can come and go as he pleases, which includes cancelling on things with you that he doesn't want to go to.

 

Move back home. Never look back. Be done with this selfish jerk.

✓^right on point