Frustrated over breakup, expecting too much?

[Smashley9]

I wrote in earlier about a guy I was seeing from this thread: https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=544342

 

If you don't want to read that then long story short, I was seeing a guy from work (retail store, different departments) for about a month and he was asking me to hang out on a whim almost every night, but I have been busy and going through a lot of family stuff. I hung out with him on average about once a week during this month. I asked him for some patience as I was busy with family stuff, working on my writing career, and the holidays. He verbalized to be okay with that but he would still turn right around and ask me to hang out.

 

Here's what's happened since then.

 

The next night, he asked me what I was up to for the evening and would I want to hang out with him. I told him I was at a surprise birthday party. He suggested I could leave the party early and I declined since I promised to help clean up after it was over. This is to convo that happened through text at that point.

 

Him: If you don't want to see me anymore, you can tell me, you won't hurt my feelings.

 

Me: I definitely want to see you, I just need some time to get through some things right now.

 

Him: It just doesn't seem like you have time to date anyone right now.

 

Me: I'm sorry, I hope you understand.

 

Him: Don't worry about it.

 

This was about 2 weeks ago.

 

Then we quit talking for the most part but when I saw him in passing at work, I'd smile and say hey and we'd acknowledge each other friendly. I was hoping that after the holidays, we could pick up where we left off when I knew I would have more time for him.

 

Until yesterday, I connected the dots and I think he's already talking to or seeing this other girl at work.

I saw then add each other on facebook and yesterday I caught them exchanging gifts and after he left the break room, she was gushing about how sweet he is. All I could do is nervously say, “Heh yeah, he is.”

 

So then I got a little nervous and after an hour or two, I walked up to him and asked him what he was up to this week and if he'd want to hang out. He looked surprised and told me he was busy, and then he went into detail about what he was doing. I said, okay cool, let me know.

 

I don't really expect to hear from him, especially if he's already seeing that other girl. But I thought I would throw the offer out there.

 

I guess I'm just frustrated and jealous now. I don't blame him for letting us go, or even moving on, but I just wish he would have been a little more patient with me.

 

Am I expecting too much for that?

[smackie9]

That just shows you there wasn't a true investment/commitment from him. He just wants a GF, not a spouse where you are together for better or for worse.

[thealchemist]

He also could just want to invest time in someone who he sees as wanting to invest as much time in him.

 

Sorry but if I was repeatedly told by a prospective SO that they were too busy to hang out then I would also move on.

 

How many times can he be told you are too busy before he comes to the conclusion that you are just too busy for a SO.

 

No point in trying to start a relationship with a person if you think their schedule is too busy to allow you the kind of relationship you really want.

 

Given that he wasn't rude and was mature about it I totally agree with his actions. Hopefully he can find an SO that makes him feel as important as he wants to feel.

 

Just sounds like you two had poor timing.

[katrina1980]

^ Beat me to it!

 

How many posts from 'women' do we read about some guy she's "dating" and he is "too busy" to spend time with her. And we advise her to move on.

 

And come on, I get occasional family stuff, but no time because you're cultivating your writing career? That's insulting.

 

Yes if you were expecting him to wait around, cut off other options and not meet or date other women, while 'you' make up your mind deciding whether or not you like him enough to want to take time out of your "busy" schedule to spend time with him, then yes you are expectingy too much.

 

When we care we make time.

[Smashley9]

He also could just want to invest time in someone who he sees as wanting to invest as much time in him.

 

Sorry but if I was repeatedly told by a prospective SO that they were too busy to hang out then I would also move on.

 

How many times can he be told you are too busy before he comes to the conclusion that you are just too busy for a SO.

 

No point in trying to start a relationship with a person if you think their schedule is too busy to allow you the kind of relationship you really want.

 

Given that he wasn't rude and was mature about it I totally agree with his actions. Hopefully he can find an SO that makes him feel as important as he wants to feel.

 

Just sounds like you two had poor timing.

 

I understand that too. I told him from the get-go that I wanted to take things slower. He said that was fine. Then after a bit I told him I was sorry that I was so involved in other things, but I made sure to imply that this time period was temporary. Then I made a point to tell him, "I'll let you know when I can hang out," just so I wouldn't leave him hanging... then a day later, he was asking me out again. I wasn't sure if he wasn't listening or just not getting what I was trying to say.

 

One night I did hang out with him even though I was dead dog tired after a long day. He said he was surprised I wanted to come out with him, and I specifically said, "I wanted to make time anyway."

 

It was also strange to me because at one point, I said, "Hey let's make a plan for Saturday." Then he said, "No I don't like to make plans in case something comes up, on my part." So he was always wanting me to hang out with him on a whim, which is what happened every time we did hang out. It was, "Hey, I can pick you up in an hour."

 

That just shows you there wasn't a true investment/commitment from him. He just wants a GF, not a spouse where you are together for better or for worse.

 

That's a thought that also came to my mind as well.

[Smashley9]

^ Beat me to it!

 

How many posts from 'women' do we read about some guy she's "dating" and he is "too busy" to spend time with her. And we advise her to move on.

 

And come on, I get occasional family stuff, but no time because you're cultivating your writing career? That's insulting.

 

Yes if you were expecting him to wait around, cut off other options and not meet or date other women, while you make up your mind deciding whether or not you like him enough to want to make time out of your "busy" schedule to spend time with him, then yes you are expectingy too much.

 

When we care we make time.

 

He also knew that my mom died during the holidays so I have a hard time during this time, and that my grandma was selling the house and I needed to move out by January. So these are also things I've been going through that I asked him to understand.

 

Edit: We never talked about exclusivity, he was always free to date other women.

[katrina1980]

He also knew that my mom died during the holiday last year, and that my grandma was selling the house and I needed to move out by January. So these are also things I've been going through that I asked him to understand.

 

Fair enough, but bottom line is, assuming you were not exclusive, he had every right to date other women.

 

He did and met someone else who is more available.

 

This is the chance you took, the chance we all take, when dating someone with whom we are not exclusive. It can happen even when you "are" exclusive! It's all a risk. No guarantees,

 

I am not really sure what you were expecting quite frankly.

 

Did you really expect him to cut off options and not meet or date other women?

 

I don't know I suppose he could have waited around while you become "unbusy" but he met another women, developed an attraction for her and they are now dating.

 

By the way I lost both my parents in 2014, have a very busy career, family, friends, but still had time to spend with my boyfriend.

 

Like I said, when we care, we make time.

[thealchemist]

Well I am very sorry about your mother.

 

It might seem to him that you really aren't in a good place to date so he moved on for multiple reasons.

 

To me "taking it slow" doesn't mean that I have very little time to spend with you. It means you don't want to get too emotionally invested too fast.

 

He pursued you and you were to busy to reciprocate that to him.

 

I can understand that he can only take so many "I'm to busy"s before he feels you aren't interested, no matter how much you show it in other ways.

 

I really don't feel like either of you did anything wrong.

 

He wanted a girlfriend who was more available and he didn't feel like you could be that girl.

 

Personally I would have given him a disclaimer of "I am too busy with everything right now. After the holidays when this all calms down would you want to go out?"

 

Because trying to half @ss it when you don't have time probably just turned him off.

[maew]

You might be expecting too much for him to be patient yes, but at the same time him expecting you to spontaneously drop everything just to hang out with him every day is also expecting too much. If you have a life and career that you have worked hard to build, someone that wants to be your partner and is on the same page in their life will understand and plan ahead accordingly. Of course the other side is, if we really like the person sometimes we need to compromise by making more time for them. So often in my experience guys want to get together at the last minute... and any guy that consistently does this and doesn't want to plan ahead (even though I make it clear that it's important to me) doesn't usually get further attention from me.

[Mari]

I'm sorry I didn't comment on your previous thread when it mattered more. If you are too busy, you need to estimate when you're going to be available, and say it to the person. If you say you will reach out to him when you're available he has no clue when that will be. It could be a few weeks, a couple of years, it could be anything. So if you had it in your head that after holidays you'd reach out to him, it would've been good to communicate that. He could then decide if it's worth waiting till after the holidays and then get back to you.

 

It may be too late in this case unless things don't work out with this new girl but perhaps this will help in the future.

[Smashley9]

Fair enough, but bottom line is, assuming you were not exclusive, he had every right to date other women.

 

He did and met someone else who is more available.

 

This is the chance you took, the chance we all take when dating someone with whom we are not exclusive.

 

I am not really sure what you were expecting quite frankly.

 

Did you really expect him to cut off options and not meet or date other women?

 

I don't know I suppose he could have waited around while you become "unbusy" but he met another women, developed an attraction for her snd they are now dating.

 

By the way I lost both my parents in 2014, have a very career, family, friends, but still had time to spend with my boyfriend.

 

Maybe it's because I've had other guys wait around months, one even years to get a chance with me. I figured if this guy was really into me, he'd at least keep in his pool of options at least for a little while as I get my life sorted out. He was always talking about how unsuccessful he is with women because he's shorter and was home schooled. I guess I also don't even really know the story is with this other girl. They might not even really end up dating, but it seemed odd to me that they exchanged gifts to each other and she was blushing afterwards. Idk.

[maew]

Then after a bit I told him I was sorry that I was so involved in other things, but I made sure to imply that this time period was temporary. Then I made a point to tell him, "I'll let you know when I can hang out," just so I wouldn't leave him hanging... then a day later, he was asking me out again. I wasn't sure if he wasn't listening or just not getting what I was trying to say.

 

I was recently on the other side of this... with someone I was dating that I really liked and wanted to spend time with... and let me tell you, "I'll let you know when I can hang out" DOES leave a person hanging, because you never know when that will be.

[katrina1980]

Another thought just occurred to me.

 

You say you are jealous, is it possible he is using this other woman to make you jealous?

 

It's a stretch but anything is possible, and if true, apparently it worked.

 

And if given the opportunity, would this 'jealousy' translate to your wanting to give this a proper go, and being less 'busy'?

[Mari]

That just shows you there wasn't a true investment/commitment from him. He just wants a GF, not a spouse where you are together for better or for worse.

 

In his culture you get a GF to evaluate and then she becomes a spouse. He can't ask her to marry him right now as she won't say yes. They have to be girlfriend/boyfriend first and she doesn't have time for even that. No evaluation, no spouse. And her answer is open ended, she doesn't say when she plans to get back to him, if ever.

[DancingFool]

Meh.....I don't think you lost out on anyone great here. No, he didn't hear you when you told him about your challenges and wasn't interested in hearing you. The whole asking you constantly last minute, but refusing to make plans with you in case he has something better to do....I mean come on..... He might as well have said, hey I'm bored and looking to be entertained unless something better comes up. Yuck.

 

Also, it's not like you didn't make time for him. So early on, a date or two per week is pretty normal. Demanding your time daily, isn't. I mean sure, you could have maybe tried to fit in a few extra dates here and there, but honestly.....

 

He needs girls that have no life and are willing to jump at his beck and call. You need a guy who has a life of his own and whole lot more respect for the person he is trying to date. You can do better. Forget this clown.

[thealchemist]

Maybe it's because I've had other guys wait around months, one even years to get a chance with me. I figured if this guy was really into me, he'd at least keep in his pool of options at least for a little while as I get my life sorted out. He was always talking about how unsuccessful he is with women because he's shorter and was home schooled. I guess I also don't even really know the story is with this other girl. They might not even really end up dating, but it seemed odd to me that they exchanged gifts to each other and she was blushing afterwards. Idk.

Well it sounds like you assumed you would have him waiting on you for as long as you wanted so were in no rush.

 

Waiting around for you with no idea of when it might come to pass is a sign of being pathetic in my opinion.

 

It sounds like this guy might have known the time frame he was wanting and didn't want to stay around indefinitely until you had time. Makes him seem of a lot higher quality than some guy waiting for you with no idea of when or if it might happen.

 

Next time don't assume he will "wait around for months or years" and instead of letting him be on your hook you blatantly tell him "I don't have time right now but I will in X months".

 

Any guy who gets upset about that kind of honesty isn't worth much.

[katrina1980]

 

Maybe it's because I've had other guys wait around months, one even years to get a chance with me.

 

---

I figured if this guy was really into me, he'd at least keep in his pool of options at least for a little while as I get my life sorted out. He was always talking about how unsuccessful he is with women because he's shorter and was home schooled. I guess I also don't even really know the story is with this other girl. They might not even really end up dating, but it seemed odd to me that they exchanged gifts to each other and she was blushing afterwards. Idk.

 

First sentence, sorry but this attitude sounds incredibly entitled, and self-centered.

[thealchemist]

Sorry but this attitude sounds entitled.

I was thinking of a different word but you apparently have more tact than me.

[Smashley9]

I know it sounds braggy, but it's true. Still, you are right, I shouldn't have assumed he'd wait. I should have asked and gave him a more specific time frame.

 

Not sure what to do about it now. I've apologized to him several times before, and yesterday I left the offer on the table for us to hang out again. Not sure about this other girl, but both their facebook statuses still say single. I guess now I'm the one waiting to see what he does or doesn't do.

[thealchemist]

I know it sounds braggy, but it's true. Still, you are right, I shouldn't have assumed he'd wait. I should have asked and gave him a more specific time frame.

 

Not sure what to do about it now. I've apologized to him several times before, and yesterday I left the offer on the table for us to hang out again. Not sure about this other girl, but both their facebook statuses still say single. I guess now I'm the one waiting to see what he does or doesn't do.

Well honestly it doesn't sound braggy, facts are facts. To me it seems selfish and insensitive.

 

Having people waiting in a relationship limbo on the off chance that I may find time for them would make me feel very badly for them.

[katrina1980]

I don't think it's "braggy" per se, it's entitled because of your reaction to him NOT waiting around.

 

Your obviously pissed off that he didn't; you believe because you're, well, "you" he should have.

 

THAT is what is entitled.

[Smashley9]

I get ya. So should I communicate this to him now, that I was acting entitled and shouldn't have assumed he'd wait around for me for an unspecified amount of time or should I back off now and let the chips fall where they may?

[thealchemist]

I get ya. So should I communicate this to him now, that I was acting entitled and shouldn't have assumed he'd wait around for me for an unspecified amount of time or should I back off now and let the chips fall where they may?

You already told him that if he wants to hang out to let you know. Ball is in his court. I wouldn't do anything else.

 

No point in telling him this stuff now.

 

I was telling you my opinion so in the future you wouldn't make such assumptions about a guy willing to sit back for months (which would cause me to infer some negative opinions about a guy willing to do that) waiting on you.

 

That kind of unbalanced dynamic wouldn't make me think that the relationship has much viability anyways. If a guy is willing to wait around for years just receiving your breadcrumbs he has to be pretty pathetic. That kind of unbalanced neediness would eventually cause you to lose respect for such a pathetic person. My 2 cents.

 

But no. Don't say that to this guy. You had your chance already.

[Smashley9]

Okay, thank you to all who commented. I came here to get some real perspective on this and I certainly got it.

[mustlovedogs]

Maybe it's because I've had other guys wait around months, one even years to get a chance with me. I figured if this guy was really into me, he'd at least keep in his pool of options at least for a little while as I get my life sorted out. He was always talking about how unsuccessful he is with women because he's shorter and was home schooled. I guess I also don't even really know the story is with this other girl. They might not even really end up dating, but it seemed odd to me that they exchanged gifts to each other and she was blushing afterwards. Idk.

 

Gag.

 

I hate. Hate. Hate. this mentality.

 

You want him to chase you?!

 

NO. You need to reciprocate some. Men should not just put their lives on hold for extended time to prove they are in to you.

 

Mature men (and women!) evaluate prospects and move on quickly when they aren’t working out.