Should I Leave ?

[tins4life]

ill try my best to make a long story short.

 

I have been seeing a guy who is about 5 years older than me for almost three months now. We see each other 4-5 times a week. During the week i will either sleep at his house or he will sleep at mine. Weekends we usually have date nights Friday and cozy nights Saturday.

 

Now, from the beginning i knew this guy had a player reputation. We share the same guy friends whom we are both very close with. After talking for about a month and a half i asked him if he wanted a relationship in the future or if this was just sex. He said he wasnt ready right this second but that he had feelings for me and could see something in the future. I drew back and bit and offered the option of us just being FWB and just doing sex. He got upset and said he did want that, he wanted more and to continue to get to know me.

 

Fast forward to now, I find out a couple days ago from our mutual best friend that he is still talking to and most likely sleeping with multiple girls. I also find out that a month ago he had a girl sleep over after i had spent the WHOLE day with him and his parents looking for a new car with him and went home exhausted. Our mutual best friend was looking out for me but wouldnt give me anything more because he was still trying to be loyal to his friend. I was very upset with the guy im dating and called him out on it and he said she had surprised him and that he made her sleep in his guest room and nothing happened. I explained to him that i understand we arent committed to each other but all i want is honesty. If hes seeing other women, which he says he isnt, which i hadn't asked him too either, i just want him to tell the truth and be honest so i dont feel led on. I had no clue he even had the time to see other girls since im pretty much with him daily. My biggest question is , should i leave or stay? I have feelings for this guy and he says he has feelings too. I spend 99% of my time with him and hes always pushing me to open up and get closer to him, which is hard because im scared of being "played". Should i drop it and just enjoy what we have and hope that if we keep getting closer itll turn into a relationship since he says he sees something in the future? I mean it has only been nearly three months. ALSO side note, when i confronted him about other girls he got really defensive and was telling me he has only slept with one girl one time since dating me and hasnt slept with any in the last 60 days and went on about how he knew my ex ed me over and wouldn't do that to me , that he was trying to show me hes a good guy. He was also upset and says i always throw jabs and low blows at him and tell him hes a player when hes done nothing but try to be here for me and show hes a good guy who cares about me. Hes never had an official girlfriend before and apparently im one of two girls hes ever "dropped all his hoes" for. I have told him multiple times i do not care if he sees anyone else but i just want the honesty and respect of knowing he does so. Yet when I try and pull back and let him "do his thing" he gets upset and tells me i need to open up. Im just scared because my ex of 5 years cheated on me . I know three months usually isnt when people become official yet so thaths why im trying to be patient and open minded about everything. So do i keep seeing him or do i just cut it? Im so conflicted since we arent official yet we pretty much spend all our time together and act like a couple infront of our mutual group of friends. I just dont know how to date as an adult since i was in a log term relationship that began as a teenager.

[Wiseman2]

If this isn't what you want ,you need to move on regardless of all the player lines and games he's feeding you.

Now, from the beginning i knew this guy had a player reputation.

[tins4life]

You dont think theres a chance hes matured and ready for a relationship? I do believe him because im also the first girl to meet his parents and his friends say hes never been with a girl as often as hes with me. Also, if all he wanted was sex, why wouldnt he just accept my offer of that?

[DancingFool]

What do you actually want? Do you just want a fck buddy and really don't care how many others he is fck'ing or do you want a monogamous committed relationship. If you want the latter, then be honest and don't play fwb games and don't waste your time on players.

 

The push/pull, you run he chases, he runs you chase, IS the game. The allure of being the one he drops all others for is what gets women so hooked on players ..... because it's all about flattering your own ego that you are possibly sooooo amazing compared to other women. Except that it never works out that way and players don't change their colors and turn into a loyal guy. Btw, don't ask a player to be honest with you. What you are doing is a bit like wanting to play poker but you want him to show you all his cards. Doesn't work like that.

 

Bottom line is very simple. If you just want a good shag and he measures up, carry on, just use protection so you don't get diseases from him. If you want a proper boyfriend, drop this clown and keep on looking and never ever tell a guy that you are just cool with fwb when you really are looking for more. Ask for what you want and don't downgrade yourself. Just like guys you friendzone are not likely to get promoted to bf material, girls that are in the fwb zone aren't likely to ever get promoted to gf material.

[tins4life]

But do you thin it's too early to ask for commitment ?

[angeldavis]

If he is calling other girls who he slept with "hoes", that's a red flag to me. His player reputation is a second red flag. Ask yourself what you want? Do you want a long-term committed relationship? Or are you ok with just having fun and keep your options open? If the answer is a long-term committed relationship, I will bring it up with him. 3 months into dating and spending that much time together are more than enough to ask for the label. If he is not ready then, he will most likely not in the future. I would leave and see what he does. If he has true feeling for you, he will make the move to keep you. Also, a real player is always a player and will not be faithful. It sounds to me that you are hurt from being cheated by your ex. Me too. As a result, I have trust issue. It drives me nut if I am not in a committed relationship because of the insecure feeling. I don't like to just have fun and date multiple people at the same time. But that's just me.

[DancingFool]

If you were cheated on by your ex, why are you getting involved with a guy who is showing you to your face that he isn't the loyal type? I mean despite all the time you are spending with him and all the other bs, he is still effing around with other girls and he is only not cheating on you via a technicality. Basically since he told you he isn't ready to be committed to you, he is free to eff around. Meanwhile you are spending all this time with him and developing feelings and attachment so that leaving him will become increasingly difficult no matter what sh$t he pulls on you. Careful, OP, you are teaching him how to treat you by being weak and rolling over and tolerating what you shouldn't be.

 

To answer your question in your post, yes should drop him and seek better quality guys for yourself.

[tins4life]

i feel the exact same way! realistically i know that im young and dont need a relationship but being cheated on makes me want that security. i feel bad bringing up issues again with him because i know i haven't been an easy person to date with all my insecurities and issues that stem from being hurt,but i want what i want and i cant help that. maybe ill wait a week so things die down first. i feel like if i do it right now, after this huge fight i caused, itll be too much.

[angeldavis]

You deserve to ask for commitment if that is what you want. Age does not matter. Some people like to have fun. Some just don't. I know I don't. I want to feel secured. I don't want to invest my feeling into someone that can pull away from me all of a sudden.

 

This is how I date: I usually expect being exclusive on the 3rd date, or the latest is one month. Being exclusive does not mean "we are official" kind of thing. It just means we both agree to not see other people, just see each other and focus on each other. Maybe a couple months in, when the feeling turns from "like" to "love", then being official from the moment of "I love you" thing. I'm a old-schooled though. And in my early 30s.

[Wiseman2]

Wow he's a good guy because he "only slept with one girl" since you were dating? Perhaps it's time to set the bar a bit higher, no?

when i confronted him about other girls he got really defensive and was telling me he has only slept with one girl one time since dating me and hasnt slept with any in the last 60 days and went on about how he knew my ex ed me over and wouldn't do that to me , that he was trying to show me hes a good guy.

[Birdie]

Why are you making so many excuses to stay in this arrangement? If he wanted to commit to you he would ask you to be committed, it’s that simple. Waiting a week to end things is pointless, it’s never going to be easy and I feel like you’re hoping things will settle down and then you don’t “have” to.

 

If he wanted to commit, he would. He’s choosing not to because he wants the option of other girls.

[bluecastle]

I agree with DancingFool that you are dangerously close to enabling his behavior. There are some players who have zero interest in changing, and others who may want real intimacy and connection but have a host of issues preventing them from really going there. Either way, if you give this type a guy a long leash, which you're doing, he's going to take every inch of it.

 

It sounds to me like you clearly know what you want: a real, committed relationship with him. So tell him and see what happens. If you keep jockeying and waiting for him to "come around," you may not even trust it if he genuinely does.

[HeartGoesOn]

No offense, but your post is full of contradictions, along with a desperate tone added in. Why not set your standards at a higher level, and avoid selling yourself short?

 

It is what it is, and you can't change him into the person you'd like him to be. In short, you can do so much better.

[kamurj]

Multiple accounts are not allowed. Thread closed.