Am I overthinking or is he really shy/social awkward

[angeldavis]

I met this man from a dating app. He is 45 yo and very succesful. The first 2 dates we had dinner together and he did not talk much. He was very nervous and shy. But he always texted me right after our dates and scheduled the next date. He asked me to be exclusive on the 3rd date. Our 4th date was at his house and we had sex. After that, he texted me good night and set up the next date. Since, we meet twice a week on Mon & Wed/Thu. Usually at his home. We do not see on the weekend, because he has his son for the weekend. We have been dating like that for a month. But his communication between dates is nearly zero. He never texts me or calls me between dates - well, maybe a good night text at the end of the day almost everyday, but that's it. On our last date (which was last Thursday) I asked if he wanted to have dinner with my best friend and he did not want to, saying he was shy. That, and the fact that he did not communicate with me between dates made me feel unease. I asked if he still likes me and he said yes. I asked if we are serious, he said yes, he likes me and only wants to date me only. At the end of the date, for the first time, he did not schedule the next date. I don't know if he assumed that we are going to meet on Mondays and Thursdays (as we have always been like clockwise), hence no need to ask anymore? Or something changed after the awkward conversation about meeting up with my friends? Anyway, I texted him on Friday, (for the first time ever I initiated the conversation) and we had fun talking. But he didn't mention about meeting again. And Sat was completely quiet, not even a good night text. And so far today as well. Should I ask him if we are seeing on Moday? Am I overthinking everything? Is it normal for no communication between dates like this?

[Honeycomb8]

He's not interested in getting to know you, this was all about sex. Actions speak volumes, and in this case, he's really giving u nothing. Also, it's not a good idea to start going to his house so quickly, when you don't even know him. It's set this fwb pattern, where you're being lead on to believe it's alittle more.

[DaisyMayPorter]

Guys get weird when things start to get "serious". You should definitely not ask him if you are "serious" after a month. You should be the one dictating whether or not you want to make him serious and let him in. If he doesn't let you in, then don't let him in.

[SweetGirl28]

No, he's not awkward and shy. He's using you for sex.

Any man who turns dates into not going out and just having sex has no intent on furthering a relationship with you.

You wanting him to meet your friend probably scared him because he doesn't want to to be serious with you.

[Hollyj]

He is using you for sex. Period. You are a booty call. How old are you?

 

Why is it acceptable for you to be dating someone at their home. Why don't you expect more??????

[angeldavis]

Well, I am 31yo, divorced and also have a little boy. I have not been dating for a long time and my last relationship was very easy & simple as we were both young, sincere, honest & friends long before we became a couple. And to be honest, all of our dates were also at either my house or his house. Coz I am not really an outgoing person, and I have a demanding job as well. But we still end up getting married. So for that reason, I did not see a problem with the way this relationship going. However, yes, I now realize my mistake, is that I met this one on the dating app... He wasn't a friend of mine like my ex was. Since I am new to the whole dating app thing, I am really clueless about the rules and stuff.

On our first date, he was very nervous and shy. Same as the second date. I feel that he is very uncomfortable meeting stranger. He also said he does not have friends here. I know one thing for sure, he does not talk much. And that's just not around me. He calls his son at 7:30 everyday, and I once was there when he talked to his son, and it was a very brief phone call. So I do believe he is not a talkative person. And he has always been quiet between dates from the beginning.

We tried to go out on dates at the beginning. But with him being a vegan, and used to very early dinner (like 5pm), dinners together is inconvenient for us. When I come over to his place, we play board games & watch movies & have some good time. He cooked dinner for me once, and I cooked for him once as well. Personally, I was ok with that. However, I think as we reached the one-month mark, I started to expect more. But his contact between dates does not improve, in addition, I also feel that he is less excited about our dates (no longer set up dates in advance like he used to), refused to join my company Christmas party (which I understand somehow, since it is still too early) and refused to meet my best friend are starting to concern me.

Now the update: He texted me yesterday (on Sunday) and asked when I will be free. I told him today (Monday) because the rest of the week I will be busy and he agreed to meet today. I also told him let's go out for dinner and he also agreed (even though to me he sounds less excited with an "ok" only kind of response). I was busy so I didn't say anything else until 2 hours later... and I expected a good night or a good morning text, but none. What should I tell him at dinners tonight? Should I be straightforward and ask him what does he want in this relationship? Demanding more communication between dates? Asking for a weekend date ? What should I do?

[angeldavis]

It seems like he will agree to go out for dinners if I ask for it. Will this change anything?

[abitbroken]

he first 2 dates we had dinner together and he did not talk much. He was very nervous and shy. But he always texted me right after our dates and scheduled the next date. He asked me to be exclusive on the 3rd date. Our 4th date was at his house and we had sex. After that, he texted me good night and set up the next date.

 

Hold the phone. The 3rd date is too early to have the "let's be exclusive talk". Maybe he moved too fast, had sex too quickly and is now backing off? do you have interesting conversations at all now? Have you broken the ice? I think you should not start the "what are we?" relationship talks. Just get to the next date and the next if you are still intersted. A man of few words is not going to want to talk about "the relationship" at this point in the game. Honestly, it sounds that this is his relationship style. And keep in mind, he is 15 years older than you and maybe a bit set him his ways.

 

Honestly, if you have not dated in a long time, i would have kept my options open and i would have continued to meet new men for coffee dates while you dated him. Don't try to make yourself fit with the first guy you meet if its not a fit. Do you know how long he has been divorced?

[angeldavis]

he first 2 dates we had dinner together and he did not talk much. He was very nervous and shy. But he always texted me right after our dates and scheduled the next date. He asked me to be exclusive on the 3rd date. Our 4th date was at his house and we had sex. After that, he texted me good night and set up the next date.

 

Hold the phone. The 3rd date is too early to have the "let's be exclusive talk". Maybe he moved too fast, had sex too quickly and is now backing off? do you have interesting conversations at all now? Have you broken the ice? I think you should not start the "what are we?" relationship talks. Just get to the next date and the next if you are still intersted. A man of few words is not going to want to talk about "the relationship" at this point in the game. Honestly, it sounds that this is his relationship style. And keep in mind, he is 15 years older than you and maybe a bit set him his ways.

 

Honestly, if you have not dated in a long time, i would have kept my options open and i would have continued to meet new men for coffee dates while you dated him. Don't try to make yourself fit with the first guy you meet if its not a fit. Do you know how long he has been divorced?

 

We do have some intelligent conversation. And I didn't ask him to be exclusive or anything. He was the one who deleted his dating profile and asked me to be exclusive. I agreed to that coz I am also busy with my career as well, and don't have time to nor interested in dating multiple people at the same time. I am old. LOL.

Both of us have been divorced for almost 2 years.

[JaggerJim]

You only invest in this, what you get in return. So for example If he asks you out for dinner, you go. If he does not, you don't go. If he texts, you text. If you text, he texts. etc... etc.... etc

 

You put effort in when he puts effort in and vice versa. When your putting in all the work he's not interested. And we know he's not that busy to date since he's on a dating site.

[angeldavis]

You only invest in this, what you get in return. So for example If he asks you out for dinner, you go. If he does not, you don't go. If he texts, you text. If you text, he texts. etc... etc.... etc

 

You put effort in when he puts effort in and vice versa. When your putting in all the work he's not interested. And we know he's not that busy to date since he's on a dating site.

 

He is no longer on the dating site. And he always makes time to see me. We are consistently seeing twice a week. I was comfortable with hanging out at his home; but if I want to go out (like today, I asked to meet for dinner first) he will take me out.

I think my problem is that he stopped planning our next date at the end of our date (as he always did), refused to meet my friend, barely keeps any communication between our dates. So far he always is the one who initiated everything though.

[JaggerJim]

So you asked him out for dinner tonight? Or would he have just had you come over for sex. It does not sound that promising that he wants to know you better, since he has no contact with you outside of these two little nights.

[angeldavis]

So you asked him out for dinner tonight? Or would he have just had you come over for sex. It does not sound that promising that he wants to know you better, since he has no contact with you outside of these two little nights.

 

He asked me when I will be free to meet up. I said Monday (today) coz I'll be busy the rest of the week. He said Monday is good for him. I then said, let's go dinner right after work (because he always has dinners early). And he agreed. This morning he texted me the restaurant that he picked.

[reinventmyself]

Have you considered telling him what you need?

Tell him that in between the times you see each other that you feel a disconnect. Romances are like a fire. You need to feed them or they won't thrive.

 

Can you ask to see him more often at some point or at least talk on the phone every couple of days?

You won't know unless you ask.

 

And. . .are you going to be ok with a guy who has some issue going out and being social with you?

[angeldavis]

Have you considered telling him what you need?

Tell him that in between the times you see each other that you feel a disconnect. Romances are like a fire. You need to feed them or they won't thrive.

 

Can you ask to see him more often at some point or at least talk on the phone every couple of days?

You won't know unless you ask.

 

And. . .are you going to be ok with a guy who has some issue going out and being social with you?

 

We are seeing twice a week, I think that's enough for a 1-month relationship. I don't have time to see him more often either. Maybe we can improve on the communication between dates. But, again, he said he is not a talkative person. I know that too because even with his son, when he calls and checks on him everyday, he does not talk more than 5 mins. A man of very very few words.

 

Here is the update about the date last night: We had dinner at a sushi place. It was a little bit awkward because I guess I sounded a little bit hostile on Sunday. And he felt I was upset. After dinner, we headed to his home. We had a glass of wine, cuddled and watched a movie together. He did not try to advance to sex as usual. When the movie ended, I started to kiss him, and asked "will you be ok if I am leaving early and we are not playing today?". He whispered "yes.... I know you don't want to". I feel a little bit guilty as he said so (also noticing that earlier when we kissed, he tried to avoid giving a deep/sensual kisses), so I said "why did you say so? I like you and I want you. I was just concerned that the pattern of our dates is not very healthy. You know what I meant. I don't know, maybe I am overthinking". He then said " yes, you're overthinking. A couple should do whatever they seem comfortable, not binding by any kind of rules".... Quiet.... Then I said "I missed you, when we are not seeing, and you don't text me, it made me sad". He said " I miss you too... I am just not used to texting someone everyday. I stayed up late watching football the last couple days, and I thought you already slept by then so I didn't send a good night text". I said "It will make me happy to get the good morning or good night texts from you". He then just hugged me and smiled, said nothing else. I then said " well, I am going home. I guess we see again on Wednesday? Coz I will be busy on Thursday". He said "yes, Wednesday! (kind of excitedly). I headed home and texted him letting him know I am home, and he texted me back good night with a kiss.

 

So, I don't think he is just using me for sex. To be honest, he does not need to ask me to be exclusive. With his status, he can easily date almost anyone, and as many as he likes. But he said very early on that he likes me and wants to exclusively date me... I am not just not sure what kind of long-term relationship he is looking for. I know that I don't want to be single, and will want to re-marry at some point. But I am not sure if that is what he is looking for at his age, and I feel it is too early to ask?

[abitbroken]

With his status, he can easily date almost anyone, and as many as he likes.

 

What do you mean by this?

[angeldavis]

With his status, he can easily date almost anyone, and as many as he likes.

 

What do you mean by this?

 

I meant he is very wealthy, good looking & intelligent etc. He is the dream man of many women. I also meant he did not need to be exclusive with me. I did not expect that because I know he was pursued by many women and did not feel confident.

When he asked me to be his exclusively, I was surprised. I asked him why he has chosen me among others, he said I am the most beautiful & the smartest. He said he likes me and does not want to take a chance of losing me to others.

[SweetGirl28]

I meant he is very wealthy, good looking & intelligent etc. He is the dream man of many women. I also meant he did not need to be exclusive with me. I did not expect that because I know he was pursued by many women and did not feel confident.

When he asked me to be his exclusively, I was surprised. I asked him why he has chosen me among others, he said I am the most beautiful & the smartest. He said he likes me and does not want to take a chance of losing me to others.

 

Hold up! I date wealthy desirable men who women think are a dream but when you're with them, they have faults just as anyone does! In reality, it means nothing. Unless they are women seeking to be taken care of, then it's everything.

Don't hold onto the "I'm surprised he chose me" attitude, because that insecurity will drive him away.

 

Aside from this, I'm not certain it's just his nature to be quiet.

He sounds quite aloof regarding this relationship, for it being so early in the game.

Something feels off, I'm just not quite sure what it is.

[angeldavis]

Hold up! I date wealthy desirable men who women think are a dream but when you're with them, they have faults just as anyone does! In reality, it means nothing. Unless they are women seeking to be taken care of, then it's everything.

Don't hold onto the "I'm surprised he chose me" attitude, because that insecurity will drive him away.

 

Aside from this, I'm not certain it's just his nature to be quiet.

He sounds quite aloof regarding this relationship, for it being so early in the game.

Something feels off, I'm just not quite sure what it is.

 

I feel kind of the same way.

Well, maybe this is a helpful information. He is a doctor. My friend who is a doctor told me doctors are a different "species" when it comes to dating. Their work is demanding & stressful, to the point that all of them hate to talk about their day. When the day is over, all they want to do is stay at home. movie n chill. They are also usually socially awkward despite being wealthy & intelligent. In his case, he has been married for 10 years+. So he has been out of the dating world for a long time.

 

So far, if I ask him to go out , he will do so. He once told me his main goal is to date me, not just having sex, even though I am irresistible. I think besides the little communication between dates, and that he does not want to meet up with my friend, I don't have anything else against him.

[reinventmyself]

I felt some discomfort as you have more than once described him as someone so special that feel honored that he 'chose' you

 

As he very well might look good on paper but you also describe him as somewhat socially awkward and emotionally unavaible.

By your own words I sense you see yourself in a one down position

It concerns me, when operating from this mindset that you overlook and tolerate things you might otherwise not.

His vocation is not tied to his character.

Just be careful not to view him as some sort of prize. He puts his pants on, one leg at a time like any other man.

[abitbroken]

I meant he is very wealthy, good looking & intelligent etc. He is the dream man of many women. I also meant he did not need to be exclusive with me. I did not expect that because I know he was pursued by many women and did not feel confident.

When he asked me to be his exclusively, I was surprised. I asked him why he has chosen me among others, he said I am the most beautiful & the smartest. He said he likes me and does not want to take a chance of losing me to others.

 

He is

1) not very socially awkward if he has had a prior marriage or lengthy relationship where he has fathered a child. if you told us he hasn't dated since college - then okay i would buy socially awkward.

2) Doctors are not a different species. They just have tougher schedules than other people to date around depending on what type of doctor they are.

3) So you are going out with a man who is not a confident person - so you think - if he has a lack of confidence its already showing.

[reinventmyself]

. . .just ask yourself. If he was the mailman would you feel the exact same way about him?

[SweetGirl28]

I feel kind of the same way.

Well, maybe this is a helpful information. He is a doctor. My friend who is a doctor told me doctors are a different "species" when it comes to dating. Their work is demanding & stressful, to the point that all of them hate to talk about their day. When the day is over, all they want to do is stay at home. movie n chill. They are also usually socially awkward despite being wealthy & intelligent. In his case, he has been married for 10 years+. So he has been out of the dating world for a long time.

 

So far, if I ask him to go out , he will do so. He once told me his main goal is to date me, not just having sex, even though I am irresistible. I think besides the little communication between dates, and that he does not want to meet up with my friend, I don't have anything else against him.

 

I've worked with doctors for years, and I've dated one, never to do it again.

Only because I find them too intense. I have worked with some that do act socially inept, book smart

but lack personality and bedside manner. But they are not a different species. Everyone is human.

Some just have a more hectic/stressful work situation and struggle to find balance with a personal life.

Being on call, having to rotate shifts, sleeping in an on call room on a cot...all life altering.

An office DR, they have a more routine schedule and better chance of unwinding when off work.

 

Where I am, the docs make it a point to be on outings, such as the go,f course, banquets, they sponsor places so

They attend all the functions, etc. They also travel from here a good deal to New York City for the better nightlife.

But at the end of the day, they are still like us-- home, maybe children, family get togethers, cooking, running

errands, working around the house, etc.

 

I still feel something isn't right, but you know best.

He just appears here as if he's too low key, not wanting to put much effort.

[angeldavis]

. . .just ask yourself. If he was the mailman would you feel the exact same way about him?

 

Pretty much yes. I wasn't impressed about his wealth. I am attracted to his physical appearance & his intelligence. My ex I had men who are wealthy that pursued me. But he is the only that I wanted to date again after the first date. I have to admit, something about his silence & being mysterious made me curious & attracted. Does that sound weird? Like, his silence was what attracted me at the beginning and made him stand out, but now I am having a problem with that...

 

And thank you guys for pointing out about my lack of confidence when it comes to this relationship. I am not sure why I feel this way when I am with him. I am usually very confident about myself. I don't know if the fact that I have feeing towards him plays any role here. But he is kind of the same toward me. I usually give him compliments and he is usually very shy & says " I just hope I am good enough for you".

 

Anyway, we had a decent conversation last night. We discussed about our relationship. I told him I have a problem with him no longer scheduling the next date at the end of a date last time. He said he thought at this point, we already established a schedule of seeing twice a week, on Mon & Wed/Thu, depending on our work schedule. So he then asked if I am ok with that schedule or if I want to see him more, or less or what I want to do.... I then told him this current schedule is good enough.

 

Then I told him I want him to keep better communication between our dates. He explained during winter, he will be busier at work. And he thinks texting me everyday good night, and a conversation every other day is good enough. He said openly, if I want to talk to him more, I can always text or call him. He pointed out that he has never not answering my texts (which is true - my complaint is that he just not initiates, while I am an old-schooled woman who does not initiate, so that's why we ended up not talking as much). He said he is 45 yo, not 25.... He is not used to holding on to his phone. Seeing in person is what he prefers.

 

About dating activities, he said he will let me decide what I want to do. If I want to go out, we will go out. He said he isn't the type of man that goes to the bars and parties. He does not like social events, unless he has to (e.g medical events). That's why he has no idea what else to do but to go to dinners or chilling at home. But he emphasized that he is looking into a relationship with me exclusively. Intimacy is an important part of any relationship but it is not what he is solely going after. He said if I want to pause on the sex to make me feel better, he is ok with that.

 

What do you guys think...?

[SweetGirl28]

I think you'll be bored with him!!!

 

Anyway, I guess you can continue. At least he communicates in regards to your feelings.

That goodnight text thing irritates me though. It takes a second to type that.

But, everyone is different.