Wasting my time?

[hugz]

So I’m going to do my best to shorten this post up as best as possible: I’ve been seeing this guy on and off for a year and a half, but very steady the last 5 months. I am a single mom of two kids and going through a divorce from my physically abusive ex. The current guy in my life has gone through and helped me through a TON of it. My children are young and his daughter is 15. His daughter’s mother left when she was 2 and never came back, so I have taken her under my wing quite a bit, along with becoming incredibly close with his mom and sister. He was there for me during my car accident and stayed by my side while in the hospital. He is close with my kids and helps me with them a lot, and my kids love him and his daughter.

Here’s the issue: it’s the things he says. He is currently 10 years older than me. We have an incredibly connection in the bedroom, and get along amazingly except for recently. We trust each other and open up to each other a ton. But we have recently started arguing a ton because I want a little more from him, and he doesn’t want to give it. Example: we spend at least 5 nights a week together, although he never spends the night. We have gone on 6 mini vacations together. We spend holidays together and with each others families. But he REFUSES to refer to me as his girlfriend, but says we are together. Prior to me, he did not have a relationship for 5 years. He says he has given up on the idea of getting married one day or even moving in with someone - I have not given up on those things.

I hope one day to find my forever person. I don’t mean I want it all tomorrow. But if I ask him to spend the night, it’s an issue. I ask him to give us a label, he always finds a way to make it my fault why we don’t have the label and I should be happy that we are together. I know for a fact he is not seeing anyone else, neither am I. I don’t want him down on one knee tomorrow, but I would like to feel like we are progressing forward.

 

I find myself doubting everything some days, and other days feeling incredibly positive. Some days I feel like his mind is made up and I am just wasting time. But the thought of walking away is incredibly hard, my feelings are too deep. And other days I feel like maybe we will have a future.

 

Last night while talking he made a comment that I need to find a good guy to get married too. I asked him why he can’t be a good guy. He responded that he is a good guy but I should know we are never getting married. - I felt crushed

[Wiseman2]

Why was it on/off for that long?

 

Perhaps he will feel more invested over time and when the dust settles from your situation. Do not try for an instafamily when on the rebound with so many loose ends from the past.

I am a single mom of two kids and going through a divorce

[Jillstrand23]

So I’m going to do my best to shorten this post up as best as possible: I’ve been seeing this guy on and off for a year and a half, but very steady the last 5 months. I am a single mom of two kids and going through a divorce from my physically abusive ex. The current guy in my life has gone through and helped me through a TON of it. My children are young and his daughter is 15. His daughter’s mother left when she was 2 and never came back, so I have taken her under my wing quite a bit, along with becoming incredibly close with his mom and sister. He was there for me during my car accident and stayed by my side while in the hospital. He is close with my kids and helps me with them a lot, and my kids love him and his daughter.

Here’s the issue: it’s the things he says. He is currently 10 years older than me. We have an incredibly connection in the bedroom, and get along amazingly except for recently. We trust each other and open up to each other a ton. But we have recently started arguing a ton because I want a little more from him, and he doesn’t want to give it. Example: we spend at least 5 nights a week together, although he never spends the night. We have gone on 6 mini vacations together. We spend holidays together and with each others families. But he REFUSES to refer to me as his girlfriend, but says we are together. Prior to me, he did not have a relationship for 5 years. He says he has given up on the idea of getting married one day or even moving in with someone - I have not given up on those things.

I hope one day to find my forever person. I don’t mean I want it all tomorrow. But if I ask him to spend the night, it’s an issue. I ask him to give us a label, he always finds a way to make it my fault why we don’t have the label and I should be happy that we are together. I know for a fact he is not seeing anyone else, neither am I. I don’t want him down on one knee tomorrow, but I would like to feel like we are progressing forward.

 

I find myself doubting everything some days, and other days feeling incredibly positive. Some days I feel like his mind is made up and I am just wasting time. But the thought of walking away is incredibly hard, my feelings are too deep. And other days I feel like maybe we will have a future.

 

Last night while talking he made a comment that I need to find a good guy to get married too. I asked him why he can’t be a good guy. He responded that he is a good guy but I should know we are never getting married. - I felt crushed

 

It sounds like he is playing games with you. Im really sorry about this, I feel your sadness and frustration in your post. HUGS.

[DancingFool]

When a guy tells you what you don't want to hear, you better believe him. He is telling you the truth.

 

You are still not divorced. Your soon to be ex was abusive. This man you are leaning on for support is emotionally unhealthy and what you are describing is really quite dysfunctional. Do you see a pattern here? You need to complete your divorce, be single, I mean single. Not leaning on any man for anything. Learn that you are strong and can stand on your own two feet fully. Get some counseling for yourself both about your past abuse and also, how to recognize healthy men, so that eventually you can find yourself a good, solid partner without getting into any more dysfunction. You are choosing dysfunction right now and you need to put an end to it and learn better.

[j.man]

Why would he give you a label when you've already got one: "Wife?"

 

Look, if you wanna date while you're still going through a divorce, while I'd advise against it for 1001 reasons, you do you. But I don't know how you could rationally expect a blossoming, healthy, and, most of all, formal relationship to develop under the circumstances.

[hugz]

While yes technically I still have “wife” as a label, we have been separated and living separate lives for almost 3 years. I certainly did not intend to meet him and the thought of ever being with another man was insane. I wasn’t out searching for a relationship by any means.

[j.man]

Why has it taken you three years to divorce?

 

I understand the title of "wife" is, for your purposes, simply a title in its entirety. But fact is it exists and I'd dare to say no man with any self-respect (or woman, roles reversed) would formally regard someone else's wife (or husband) as their girlfriend / boyfriend.

 

And that's not accounting for however many other ways the whole ordeal is unhealthy.

[Batya33]

I agree with the others -even if he wanted to get engaged or married tomorrow you can't because you're still married. I would stop involving your children so much -children don't "get" dating they "get" attached.

[DaisyMayPorter]

Why did his first wife leave? Why were you on and off- what happened that you were “off”?

 

I hate to say it, but they always say that when a guy says something, believe him. Sounds like he was hurt in the past (by the ex-?), is set in his ways, and just wants what he wants. So either you do what he wants, or if you want more, then leave. It sounds like he’s not going to give you more. But I could be wrong!

[thealchemist]

Why has it taken you three years to divorce?

 

I understand the title of "wife" is, for your purposes, simply a title in its entirety. But fact is it exists and I'd dare to say no man with any self-respect (or woman, roles reversed) would formally regard someone else's wife (or husband) as their girlfriend / boyfriend.

 

And that's not accounting for however many other ways the whole ordeal is unhealthy.

This is a good reason of why he might not want to give you the label of girlfriend.

 

Makes perfect sense to me.

[SA_Pinotage]

You're wasting your time.

[figureitout23]

Until you get your house in order you can't really make these demands. I'd get divorced first then analyze this relationship.