Really Need Some Advice

[throwaway17]

Hello and thank you for letting me seek advice from you all. I appreciate any and all input I may receive regarding my situation.

 

I'll try to keep this short and to the point. I have been in a relationship of one year with my gf. For the most part, we have got along great and never really fought, other than petty issues that every couple has. About 6 months into our relationship, my girlfriend started to lose interest in any form of sexual intimacy - basically we haven't had sex in over 6 months. I understand sex isn't the corner stone of a healthy relationship but I didn't realize how much a relationship can lack without it. In order to try and help my gf out, I began seeking out ways of naturally lowing my libido (taking supplements, no fap (which actually made urges worse), and a few other things that really messed with my emotions. I slowly realized that it's normal for a 25 yo male to have a healthy sex drive, and trying to lower that was damaging my body, so I quit ignoring my urges.

 

Fast forward to the situation - I have made a grave mistake, an indiscretion that I do not think I can rectify for a long time. Over thanksgiving break, I decided to go out with some friends to drink and let loose for a little bit.. except I drank entirely too much (about 4/5 of a handle of liquor and half a bottle of wine) and I ended up cheating on my gf. The sexual release that I craved so much was not worth the emotionally agony once I had came to my sense and realized what I had done. I have violated the sanctity of my relationship and I am such a piece of and would never wish this kind of pain on my worse enemy. I messed up. There is no going back, only forward. I cannot believe I allowed myself to make such a vile decision, despite being pretty drunk and I cannot look myself in the mirror.

 

I have been to counseling for this, and have more sessions (about once every week) to try to wrack my brain around this and take accountability for my actions. My girlfriend does not currently know but I owe it to tell her the truth and give her the option of continuing this relationship. I am hoping to eventually bring her to one of my sessions within the month so I can admit what I've done in a professional environment, with the hopes that she'll offer me a second chance if I demonstrate true remorse.

 

I am truly remorseful, I have never been so disgusted for doing something ever in my entire life. I was wondering if anyone has ever heard of or experienced any success stories of getting a second chance after infidelity. I am truly a disgusting person but I don't necessarily believe in "once a cheater, always a cheater." I think I've been scared straight and I want to commit to being the best boyfriend towards my girlfriend for the rest of our relationship. I was also wondering if you think disclosing this information in a therapist's office is also a good idea?

 

My therapist has told me that reconciliation is indeed possible if both partners want to work on what caused the cheating in the first place - make no mistake, I am no victim, my girlfriend is the victim in this circumstance. I just hope I have another shot at this relationship... I am truly sorry for my actions.

[reinventmyself]

Ok. . you made a mistake.

But, are you ready to fully commit to a relationship of abstinence?

Because that's what you are signing up for. Instead of flogging yourself, how about you dig a little deeper and figure out honestly if this is something you can live with before you turn everything upside down.

And why do I get the feeling I am baited into saying what you did was ok? Is that what you are after?

[DancingFool]

I'm sorry but first of all sex IS one of the big cornerstones of a healthy relationship. Denying that is what got you into this mess.

 

I think before you do anything like tell her, etc, you really really need to ask yourself whether you should continue in this relationship in the first place. You owe her and yourself that much honesty. Do you really see yourself staying in this relationship for life without having a healthy sex life? That is not healthy and that will lead you to the same situation again and again despite all your therapy and guilt and so on. It is simply not healthy and not normal.

 

I also have to ask you why on earth are you trying to mess with your health and sex drive when your gf is the actual problem? What is she doing to increase her libido if anything? Is she asexual and simply pull a bait a switch on you?

 

Why are you clinging on to a relationship that has only lasted one year and six months of it, essentially half of your relationship hasn't been working out? This is something that you should be addressing in therapy. You are dating, you are not married. The whole point of dating is to determine compatibility. You have known already for 6 months that you and her are not sexually compatible. Again, sex is one major cornerstone of a healthy romantic relationship. Without sex you just have a platonic friend and by definition that is not a romantic relationship. You sound like codependent - it's not good, I'm not happy, I'll do horrible things, but I will not just end things like a normal person. That is very very wrong of you.

 

As for telling her because you feel guilty...sorry but NO, you do not get to dump your guilt on her. She doesn't need to spend the rest of her life looking over her shoulder because you betrayed her instead of dumping her like you should have months ago. This is one of those where ignorance is bliss. You need to end things with her because your relationship with her hasn't been working out for a long time already in that a fundamental aspect of it is missing. You do not burden her with your cheating. You've wronged her enough and do not need to do any more damage. You feel guilty about it? Tough sh$t. Deal with it on your own.

[throwaway17]

You guys both make some very good points, j appreciate the honest feedback.

 

I guess I never gave it much thought because I thought I could live with no sex life because I was happy with the emotional connection... I guess sex is equally important and I cannot deny that or else I wouldn’t have done what I did.

 

As far as the option to tell her, I wouldn’t necessarily be telling her to relieve my guilt, it’s just that since a couple people within my social circle already know about the drunken hook up, I feel it’s only a matter of time before it gets back to her, so I’d rather bite the bullet and have her hear it from me.

 

Man... I’m experiencing so many emotions right now... it’s hard to put them into place.

[Honeycomb8]

You slept with someone, and screwed up, yes. But is there a proper reason why your gf hasn't slept with you in 6 months?

Has she been taking medication and it's affected her drive, is she just slightly asexual or is there another reason for it.

 

I'd reconsider the relationship too.

[throwaway17]

Hey Honeycomb,

 

She doesn’t have sex because she says she has a low libido, as well as she has some sort of anxiety-related issue that causes her to not get lubricated and therefore sex can be painful.

[MissCanuck]

I think you need to seriously reconsider continuing this relationship, even independent of your cheating.

 

You are not sexually compatible, and you've been trying to stifle your own needs and desires. That backfired. You basically have a best friend, not a girlfriend. That is not to say this infidelity is her fault, to be clear. Not at all. But it does strongly suggest that this relationship isn't working for you anymore and you've been in denial about that.

 

You think the sexual landscape is barren now - wait until she finds out you've had sex with someone else.

[throwaway17]

Miss Canuck, thank you for your input, I think you raise some valid points and echo what others have said here. I agree that it was foolish to try and minimize my own sexual urges.. I guess I thought that at the time, it would be the best thing to do to achieve equilibrium within the relationship, but this was wrong.

 

It was even more wrong of me to go out and cheat and believe me, I am truly and sincerely remorseful for my actions.. I think reconsidering this relationship is possible however I feel that if she were to successfully get treated for her condition and our sex life returns, that we can possibly work through this. My therapist suggested alternative sexual activities such as Kama Sutra and others... however how open to this she will be will depend on if she'd be willing to give me another chance in this relationship. I'd like to see if this would be a possibility because otherwise, every other part of the relationship has been fulfilling and I would hate to give up on this if she can get treatment and forgive me for my transgression.

 

I'm planning on bringing her along to one of my appointments and disclosing the infidelity there... I guess we'll see where we go from there.

[DancingFool]

Look you can't increase her libido any more than you can eliminate your own normal desire for sex. It just doesn't work that way. People with a naturally low libido aren't broken, they simply need to find someone who is like them and plenty of people out there like that. Stop trying to fix and recognize when it's time to let go. I would suggest you look up codependence because it really sounds like you have a problem with that and will cling to a relationship at all costs rather than let go when you should.

[cntrygrl1974]

You should definitely tell your partner and see if you can work through the issues that caused you to have a wandering eye.

 

It might be very hard to work through the hurt this may cause. I am in a similar situation where I found out my partner was on a dating site for approximately one month. When I saw that he was on the site was completely devastated and when I read the messages it was even worse. He was using the same lines that he had used with me when we met online. He broke my heart and I don't know if I can ever get past. We had issues but I feel that he should have come to me and talking it out before moving on. Definitely not fair to me.

[cntrygrl1974]

He has apologised and removed his profile, (after I messaged all the women that he had been talking to). What to do about this is the dilemma I am faced with.

[AtitAgain]

Please do yourself a favor and break up with your girlfriend. OR tell her you cheated, explain that you have a normal sex drive that all males under 150years old have- yes under 150 - and let her decide what to do with it. Either she puts some more effort into meeting you half-way, or she breaks up with you, or you have an open relationship. What you guys have is not sustainable.