My boyfriend can't stop lying...

[adviceneeded09]

I've been dating my boyfriend for a year now, and it seems like lately he can't stop telling white lies to me. We met through Tinder this time last year, and although we weren't official, we had been going on dates and hanging out a couple of times a week, I met his friends and parents and vice versa, and he told me he wasn't seeing anyone else. I asked him point blank before we made things official if he had sex with anyone else since we met and he said no, and that he didn't plan to. I found out a month ago that he lied then and throughout our entire relationship about this. He actually had sex with one of his good female friends he met online a few years ago. They met for the first time in person a little over a year ago and had sex. They continued talking on social media daily (snapchats) and he liked all of her posts since then. I saw a text from her shortly after it happened saying "thx for the , bb" and I trusted him so I thought she was joking. I didn't bring it up for 11 months and casually brought it up one day to put my mind to ease. I had always trusted him 100% until that point. He said they had sex and it meant nothing, but the fact he lied about it to me throughout our relationship is what's hurting me. He immediately stopped talking to her to put my mind to ease, but the issue was the lying. I told him he can't ever lie to me again because he needs to gain my trust again and not even a month later he lied about something else because his best friend made him promise not to tell anyone. Once again, the actual act wasn't the issue, it was the lying. His best friend asked for a large amount of money and asked him to not tell anyone. It's my boyfriend's money and his business, so I don't care what he does with it, but he shouldn't lie to my face about it when it's brought up. Since finding out he had sex with his female friend (who lives in Florida, so I doubt he would ever cheat on me with her), I've asked him to be completely honest with me, even if it's unnecessary, because I don't trust him anymore. During Thanksgiving break he wanted to hang out with his male friends without me coming along, which is completely fine. I won't ever ask him to quit his hobbies or stop seeing his friends. But one of my conditions since the sex thing was that I don't want him going to parties where single girls or his ex' are. Him and his 'ex' didn't even date. Him and her hooked up while he was still in a relationship with another girl, and I don't trust her at all. Anyways, about two weeks ago he went to hang out with her friends and she showed up. He supposedly asked his friends to ask her to leave, but he didn't tell me until last night. I would think if he wanted to regain my trust he would have just told me about it right when it happened. It's not even that big of a deal because I've met her before and we go to parties all the time together when she's there. I just don't want them to be alone together. Our relationship besides these lies is amazing though. We get along great, we have similar life goals, similar interests, etc. I think he's amazing, but I'm starting to get so insecure and I don't like it. He shares his location with me on our iPhones and I used to never check it, but now I check it may 3-4 times a day to make sure he's home at night when he says he is. I feel crazy. He says he lies because he's scared of my reaction because I tend to be dramatic when I'm upset, but I get so angry when he lies. One of my pet peeves in a relationship is dishonesty. I'm just in desperate need of some advice. I want to stay together, but how can you date someone if you don't trust them? Is there any way for him to regain my trust?

[limichelle]

You can't date someone if you don't trust them. Trust is one of the most important foundations to a solid relationship.

 

I hate lying too so I know why you are conflicted.

 

I seriously think you need to tell him if he can't be honest with you because he's afraid of your reaction it won't work. It can't work because no matter what happens moving forward he will still lie. Also feeling insecure is a bad sign.

 

I know there is good stuff but you have to ask if his lies outweigh that.

 

Lisa

[Hollyj]

You have shown him that you will tolerate his lying, after he did it again - money thing. I don't understand why you do not understand that he is not an honest person? And now, you have to play detective to follow his movements. Good God!

 

 

I totally misread.

 

I agree with Dancing. I don't think that his lying is okay, but your insecurities are over the top. I cannot believe that you are tracking this dude. You know, people can cheat outside of parties.

 

I suggest you deal with your own issues. I am surprised that this guy puts up with this crap.

[JaggerJim]

I think that since you found out he slept with someone else and lied, it's shaken your trust and confidence. But you have to ask yourself some key questions.

 

1. They slept together early on in the relationship, but i've been with him for a year and he treats me so well, should I just let that one mistake go?

 

2. If he isn't where he says he is, is this a deal-breaker for me? If he's going to cheat on me, he's going to cheat on me, I will eventually find out, but until then, can I just trust his word?

 

3. Do I need to go and speak to someone about trust issues?

 

All you can do is judge him by how he has treated you all this year. If you don't like anything he does or says, 2018 maybe a new year to find someone else.

[Starlight925]

Um, no.

 

I put up with all these exact types of lies in my last relationship, rationalizing it all the while like you are doing, saying well, our relationship is so great otherwise, he treats me so well, blah blah blah.

 

I let it continue for 1.5 years before I finally had enough. In the 3 months since breakup, I’ve had a few occasions to talk to him about minor things, and you know what? He still lies, even though I don’t care.

 

Something I leared since then, in all my googling of issues on chronic lying:

 

They lie when the truth is a better story.

 

This is who your boyfriend is. Either accept the lies, or move on. My vote is the latter.

[DancingFool]

So he slept with someone before you were officially together. In other words, he didn't cheat on you. You were asking him some awkward questions about something that is actually none of your business and I would guess by then he was already aware that you can't handle the truth. There is also such a thing as exercising discretion.

 

Then the friend and the money thing. Again, none of your business, so how did that even come about? Were you snooping?

 

OP, when your partner tells you straight up that they are afraid to tell you the truth because of how you behave, you don't get to play victim, you need to seriously consider addressing your personal issues and insecurities driving that, including getting counseling for yourself. Our relationship is really wonderful, I'm just tracking him via GPS like a ex-con on parole..... NO, your relationship is not even close to being wonderful and you are correct - you are acting completely crazy and need to get help with that. Your reactions are on you, not him in this case.

[lostandhurt]

Him and her hooked up while he was still in a relationship with another girl

 

So he has cheated in the past so that is strike one.

He tends to lie when he has done things he knows you will not like so that is strike two.

 

Is there a strike three?

 

He had sex with another girl BEFORE you were exclusive but wouldn't tell you when you asked. My question is why did you ask? Was it a condition of becoming exclusive with you? I saw in your post where you have put conditions on him and his behavior.

Shouldn't it be him doing the right thing instead of being placed on restriction like a child? How long can you continue to police him and follow up on all his statements?

 

There really is nothing healthy about any of this.

 

Perhaps a long talk about boundaries, what respect and honesty mean to each of you, cheating and most importantly trust need to be covered. Then maybe a Do Over can be agreed to. If not then this will continue until he is sick of your conditions or you catch him doing something that is a grey area and get your heart broken.

 

Lost

[j.man]

If you don't want people to lie, don't give them a reason to.

 

Would I have lied in his shoes? No. You'd be told straight to your face that none of it is any of your business. Still, you backed him into a corner asking invasive questions and putting him into a situation where he either fibs or deals with some level of drama. Especially considering none of it was in fact your business, it's understandable- even if not necessarily excusable- that he'd opt for the path of least resistance.

 

How did you find out about all this? If there's any sort of invasion of privacy, I'd consider that much more of a red flag than his failure to assert his liberty to not answer invasive questions he doesn't want to answer and resorting to lying instead.

 

And telling him he can't go to parties where there happens to be a single woman? Come on.

 

At the end of the day, you don't trust him. Relationship's over.