rocknfloor Posted November 29, 2017 Share Posted November 29, 2017 I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend since two years. The first 6 months were like a honeymoon phase. We loved each other truly and were there for each other in every point of life. We met everyday and were together all time. I cared for him more than anyone in my life. I got him gifts and anything that he longed for. Infact I never got anything for myself and would rather want to buy for him. Then he started asking for his space after 6 months when his friends visited us. I gave him whatever he asked for. I started being independent and started being happy with whatever little he gave me. He misutilized the space by dating few other girls and he also started to be in contact with his ex gf which I could never imagine. I agree that I was too insecure whenever he did something like that. I fought multiple times expressing that I am not happy with him and need his love and care like before. He promised each time that he will try to be good but failed whenever I gave him a chance. He started giving me excuses that hes too busy with work over the weekdays and is busy with friends and family over the weekends. I did not ask for gifts or money. All I asked is little time and love for me. He does make time for me whenever I put up a fight and its there only for a day and then its routine. I keep waiting for him all day, thinking about his whereabouts, care for him and give him whatever he needs. But he is least bothered if I am fine. Once in a while he does text me but I feel he does that for a formality. I questioned him many times if he is serious about me. He agrees every time that hes serious and this is how he is. He expressed that hes vexed with the fights and the comparisons I make with others. But I have no choice to express that hes not like before and I need to give examples of other couples around him to make him realize thats how a relationship works. I tried moving on with life but there is something about him that pulls me back and I am not able to move on in life. I want him back like the way he was with me. He cares a lot for others and is very helping for others. I feel all alone Link to comment
Wiseman2 Posted November 29, 2017 Share Posted November 29, 2017 Pulling back is all you can do to make him miss you and come to you. Link to comment
Jillstrand23 Posted November 29, 2017 Share Posted November 29, 2017 You are obviously living a lie if you think he is at all in any shape or form ACTUALLY interested in a relationship with you. You would do best by finding someone else. It also does not sound like you are ready for a relationship by the look of it, if you are buying him things all of the time. What about you? Who is going to take care of you in the end? Link to comment
DancingFool Posted November 29, 2017 Share Posted November 29, 2017 I'm confused....how are you in a relationship with him when he is off dating others??? OP, sounds like you are playing martyr, trying to buy his love, and being a complete doormat all mixed into one hoping that debasing yourself like that will somehow work. It doesn't. The only thing that gets you is exactly what you are getting - zero respect and regard from the object of your desire. Link to comment
MissCanuck Posted November 29, 2017 Share Posted November 29, 2017 When did you officially get back together? The bottom line is that we can't make a person want us the same way we want them. If you have to fight for someone's time and attention, you're really with the wrong person. He is not serious about you, despite what he tells you. Link to comment
IAmFCA Posted November 29, 2017 Share Posted November 29, 2017 OP, This sounds like addiction more than love. Actually, does not sound like love at all, because it is at the expense of yourself. Addiction - we chase the thing we covet even as we self destruct by doing so. Love - we love ourselves and in a similar fashion are kind and supportive of others, including one/some whom we trust and respect with our private selves You can not and will not change his behavior. Will you change yours? Link to comment
rocknfloor Posted November 29, 2017 Author Share Posted November 29, 2017 I tried making him miss me but he has others to care for him for example his sister. She takes care of all the things I did for him. He says he misses me but when I am before him, he doesn't prioritize me or make me feel as if he missed me. Instead he is on his own and expects me to get along his path. He was never like this before. He did lot of things out of his way and cared for me in every step. I am confused if my behavior of insecurity, fights and comparisons changed him. I have changed a lot where I stopped fighting or demanding love. But sometimes I go crazy when he doesn't care at all because its too hard to take these facts. Link to comment
rocknfloor Posted November 29, 2017 Author Share Posted November 29, 2017 I am buying him gifts and getting things that is needed because I love him so much. He is the best thing that happened to me. I am not able to date someone else because I am still stuck onto him. I do everything for him and expect very little from him. He used to take care of me in every way and that made me fall for him. But as time passed his interests faded. Whatever little I expect is also too much for him to give. Whatever he gives he wants me to be satisfied and not argue over it. Link to comment
boltnrun Posted November 29, 2017 Share Posted November 29, 2017 Why do you expect "little" from him? Well, that is what you're going to get from him . "Little". This relationship will not go back to the way it was 18 months ago, unfortunately. He has seen how little you value yourself and it has caused him to not respect you. And without respect there can be no love. And you are able to date someone else. You're just choosing not to because you're hoping for the first six months to come back. Link to comment
rocknfloor Posted November 29, 2017 Author Share Posted November 29, 2017 @ DancingFool. You are right. I do not get back love or respect in this relation. He dated one girl which was only for few days and he contacted his ex gf because he could not hurt her. He stopped as soon as I got to know. The reason he told me was he was annoyed with my insecurity and was not happy. He asked me to forgive and promised that he wouldnt repeat again. I asked him many times if he is serious because I wanted to get married. He told me that he is serious and wants to set a future. I expressed many times that this is not what I want in the future where it is only one sided. I cannot keep adjusting and understanding all through my life. He keeps asking him to give a chance and would change soon. But all those promises are words written in the air. Link to comment
rocknfloor Posted November 29, 2017 Author Share Posted November 29, 2017 @ MissCanuck. We have been officially together since two years. The truth is he did care and love me more than what I expected. I know that I am fighting for the wrong person but he tells me that these are very minute problems in life and will set right once we are engaged. I dont know if he is reacting just because I keep fighting all time. I cannot imagine a life without him. Link to comment
rocknfloor Posted November 29, 2017 Author Share Posted November 29, 2017 @IAmFCA. I have changed a lot for him. For example not arguing, being independent and understanding him. My concern is he was good with me before and as time passed everything in him changed. He is available to others, helps or does others tasks but he expects me not to depend. Very rarely I ask him for a help and he forgets. After receiving all the hurt and trying to keep things to myself, If I try to compare and tell him that he was able to give them time and not me, he gets mad that I started comparing which he does not like. I tried expressing to his friends about how I feel and they support him more than me saying that I argue a lot. But that was before and now I am slowly changing. The sudden change in him was too much for me to take because he is always known for his generosity. Link to comment
rocknfloor Posted November 29, 2017 Author Share Posted November 29, 2017 @boltrun. Yes I am hoping that he will change and get back like before. Its too hard for me to move on. There hasnt been a single night where I did not cry. Link to comment
SweetGirl28 Posted November 30, 2017 Share Posted November 30, 2017 @boltrun. Yes I am hoping that he will change and get back like before. Its too hard for me to move on. There hasnt been a single night where I did not cry. Hope won't bring about change. He doesn't have respect for you, and you aren't having respect for yourself. its hard for everyone to move on when they have true feelings invested, however it's crucial to when those feelings aren't being returned. You don't want to lose him, but you don't have him to begin with. I'm sorry, I hope you get the strength to let go. Link to comment
rocknfloor Posted November 30, 2017 Author Share Posted November 30, 2017 Hope won't bring about change. He doesn't have respect for you, and you aren't having respect for yourself. its hard for everyone to move on when they have true feelings invested, however it's crucial to when those feelings aren't being returned. You don't want to lose him, but you don't have him to begin with. I'm sorry, I hope you get the strength to let go. I dont want to regret after giving up. I am trying to see the fault within myself because the way I fight, compare has changed him. Can I give him sometime and see. I feel he loves me but he needs time. Link to comment
boltnrun Posted November 30, 2017 Share Posted November 30, 2017 @boltrun. Yes I am hoping that he will change and get back like before. Its too hard for me to move on. There hasnt been a single night where I did not cry. And yet you think this is a relationship worth holding on to??? No, he will not go back to the way he was before. Because, like I wrote before, he no longer respects you. No one respects a person who buys things and gives and gives and says they don't want anything for themselves. That is not behavior that garners respect. Rather, it is a desperate attempt to hold on to someone under the guise of "but I LOVE doing things for him! I love him and WANT to do things for him!!" But when you get nothing in return but broken promises and being disrespected...it is not going to have the effect you are hoping for. Link to comment
rocknfloor Posted November 30, 2017 Author Share Posted November 30, 2017 And yet you think this is a relationship worth holding on to??? No, he will not go back to the way he was before. Because, like I wrote before, he no longer respects you. No one respects a person who buys things and gives and gives and says they don't want anything for themselves. That is not behavior that garners respect. Rather, it is a desperate attempt to hold on to someone under the guise of "but I LOVE doing things for him! I love him and WANT to do things for him!!" But when you get nothing in return but broken promises and being disrespected...it is not going to have the effect you are hoping for. Should I give up? How do I gather strength? We have lived together for a year. Later he moved with his family as he had to. Its gonna be very hard for me to take this truth. Can I give him a chance and express him in a way he understands how I feel. Link to comment
boltnrun Posted November 30, 2017 Share Posted November 30, 2017 Should I give up? How do I gather strength? We have lived together for a year. Later he moved with his family as he had to. Its gonna be very hard for me to take this truth. Can I give him a chance and express him in a way he understands how I feel. You've never told him how you feel about any of this? Link to comment
rocknfloor Posted November 30, 2017 Author Share Posted November 30, 2017 You've never told him how you feel about any of this? I did tell him many times. He understood and asked him a chance each time. The change is there only for a day and then he forgets. Its the same. Later I stopped expecting and happy with whatever he gave me. I am confused if its my fault. Did I frustrate him in the relation by arguing that he is not like before? Link to comment
boltnrun Posted November 30, 2017 Share Posted November 30, 2017 I did tell him many times. He understood and asked him a chance each time. The change is there only for a day and then he forgets. Its the same. Later I stopped expecting and happy with whatever he gave me. I am confused if its my fault. Did I frustrate him in the relation by arguing that he is not like before? So why do you think telling him ONE MORE TIME will make any difference? You want him to be someone he is not. You want him to be the guy he was for the first few months, but it's not possible to go back in time. Unfortunately, what you've been seeing for the past 18 months IS the "real" him, whether you want to believe it or not. And buying him things will not make him go back to treating you the way he did in the beginning. Link to comment
rocknfloor Posted November 30, 2017 Author Share Posted November 30, 2017 So why do you think telling him ONE MORE TIME will make any difference? You want him to be someone he is not. You want him to be the guy he was for the first few months, but it's not possible to go back in time. Unfortunately, what you've been seeing for the past 18 months IS the "real" him, whether you want to believe it or not. And buying him things will not make him go back to treating you the way he did in the beginning. I understand. Its gonna be difficult for me but I will move on Link to comment
boltnrun Posted November 30, 2017 Share Posted November 30, 2017 At first it will be, especially if you don't cut off all means of contact (which I highly recommend after you let him know the relationship isn't working for you anymore) or if you do something even worse like continue to have sex with him after the breakup. But you can be kind to yourself and realize that wasting any more time on a man who will never follow through with his promises would be a big mistake. You can do this. And when you meet someone who WILL give you the relationship you want and need, you'll be glad you ended this. Link to comment
rocknfloor Posted November 30, 2017 Author Share Posted November 30, 2017 At first it will be, especially if you don't cut off all means of contact (which I highly recommend after you let him know the relationship isn't working for you anymore) or if you do something even worse like continue to have sex with him after the breakup. But you can be kind to yourself and realize that wasting any more time on a man who will never follow through with his promises would be a big mistake. You can do this. And when you meet someone who WILL give you the relationship you want and need, you'll be glad you ended this. Yes I will completely remove all means of contact. Infact I moved to another city. I came back just to visit him and he doesnt realize the importance of my presence. Link to comment
boltnrun Posted November 30, 2017 Share Posted November 30, 2017 Yes I will completely remove all means of contact. Infact I moved to another city. I came back just to visit him and he doesnt realize the importance of my presence. Exactly why he's not worth a minute more of your time. Link to comment
IAmFCA Posted November 30, 2017 Share Posted November 30, 2017 @IAmFCA. I have changed a lot for him. For example not arguing, being independent and understanding him. My concern is he was good with me before and as time passed everything in him changed. He is available to others, helps or does others tasks but he expects me not to depend. Very rarely I ask him for a help and he forgets. After receiving all the hurt and trying to keep things to myself, If I try to compare and tell him that he was able to give them time and not me, he gets mad that I started comparing which he does not like. I tried expressing to his friends about how I feel and they support him more than me saying that I argue a lot. But that was before and now I am slowly changing. The sudden change in him was too much for me to take because he is always known for his generosity. OP, You chose to.adapt to his ways. He has not chosen to adapt to yours. You want him to treat you differently than he does. He knows this. His friends know this. When you ask for what you want, he is not interested and criticizes you for being you. You are already dating the person who he is. He is not trying to become someone else, not even like the person you met. He has every right to be whomever he pleases. It doesn't matter that you thought he would be like he was, or even that he misled you - if he did. He doesn't have to do anything differently. This is not about fair, or right / wrong. This is about that you don't like him and don't want to admit it. He is aware of it, too. He knows that you will eventually leave him, or that you will put up with him even if it means you choose to be unhappy. Either way, he will deal with it. He is not changing for you. Deal with it. When you are ready to accept your reality, you will do something about it. Until then, you are clinging to a future that isn't going to happen. Link to comment
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