Sponging adult brother - please help

[Lj1650]

My brother, who is 31 is unemployed. And has mostly been in that state since leaving the armed forces 5/6 years ago. He can't hold down a job because he has an issue with authority, and doesn't want to be a 'slave'. Even when he has accepted he needs a job, it has got so far now, he can't even secure one.

 

He has a child with his previous partner, who he has now stopped seeing as he can't deal with the hassle from his ex for money.

 

He is now living with his current girlfriend at her parent's house, and they have recently had a baby.

 

He asks me, my mum (who has barely any money herself), my dad, and other brother in turn for money ALL THE TIME. He often uses manipulation and lies, such as they have been thrown out, he hasn't eaten for days, the baby needs milk, threatening to mug people if i don't give him money (he would never do this in a million years) etc - all are evidently lies. because when we call his bluff or offer to do a grocery shop for him, tell him to come round for milk, he doesn't respond. And he asks for random amounts, like £10, £50 etc and we must have all paid thousands to him over the past few years. i suspect it's gambling or weed, but he has very much distanced himself from the family, never visits, answers the phone, only talks to us when he wants money, so I really don;t know anything for sure. He is not a bad person deep down, but it's like he has become a different person.

 

This takes a toll on meand is incredibly stressful - i had to block him for my own state of mind, as he was emotionally blackmailing me every week out of desperation for money. i hope you don't feel I am a bad person, but i don't think giving him money is going to help at this stage and it was affecting my state of mind. The guilt i feel is massive, however and I feel a big burden of worry about him and his future.

 

My parents don't know what to do, none of us know what to do. We have encouraged him to seek help for mental health issues, veteran services etc, but it falls on deaf ears and he just won't help himself. we have really tried.

 

Anybody else experienced this issue? The anger and frustration i feel is ruining my life, and i don't want him to drag me down with him. I just don't feel like it's ever going to end. I know it's not my responsibility, but i feel my parents are being so passive and not addressing it head-on, as they have no idea what to do.

[DancingFool]

Your parents addressing it head on how? He is a grown adult, so no, sadly there is not much any of you can do about the choices he is making.

Does it sound like has mental health issues? Yes. Does it appear like he might have a drug problem? Certainly that was the first thought that popped into my mind as I started reading your post. However, as long as he denies and refuses to help himself, you can't force him.

 

About the only thing you can do is talk to a psychiatrist and organize an intervention. Will it work? Maybe or maybe not or maybe make things worse.

 

Sadly, at some point you really do have to accept that he is an adult, he is making his own choices and choosing to live how it pleases him regardless of your opinion about that, and unless you can have him committed to a mental health facility, you can't help him. The only person you can help is yourself and that means severing contact with him if that's what you need to do to preserve your own sanity. Frankly, giving him money is enabling him to carry on as is. He needs to hit rock bottom, find himself in the ditch before he'll pick himself up again.

[catfeeder]

We have encouraged him to seek help for mental health issues, veteran services etc, but it falls on deaf ears and he just won't help himself. we have really tried.

 

I'd form a pact with parents that we'll each tell him, "I'll only give you money if you allow me to accompany you to one of these appointments. For every appointment you make and keep with a therapist, a social worker or a vetran's services worker and take one of us with you, you'll be rewarded by us with X amount of money. Otherwise, no appointments? No money."

 

You're in charge of keeping your part of this bargain, and your parents are in charge of keeping up theirs. If they cave and give him money anyway, then there's nothing you can do but continue to hold up your part and refuse to give him money unless he takes you or a parent to one of his appointments.

[Wiseman2]

How many of these traits from the Hare Psychopathy Checklist does he have? Best you can do is distance yourself and employ very firm boundaries. Do mot allow mooching of time, energy, money or resources. That means do not entertain the hard luck stories etc. Does he have drug or mental health problems?

 

glib and superficial charm

grandiose (exaggeratedly high) estimation of self

need for stimulation

pathological lying

cunning and manipulativeness

lack of remorse or guilt

shallow affect (superficial emotional responsiveness)

callousness and lack of empathy

parasitic lifestyle

poor behavioral controls

sexual promiscuity

early behavior problems

lack of realistic long-term goals

impulsivity

irresponsibility

failure to accept responsibility for own actions

many short-term marital relationships

juvenile delinquency