The aviodant man

[deedee911]

Does anyone have experience dating a man that would run when things got hard? Distanced himself emotionally? Did you settle down with him? If you got married to a person like this did he change and if so what happened for him to deal with things better?

[j.man]

"When things get hard" means very different things to different people. Giving up on your partner because their job declared bankruptcy and abruptly laid them off is very different from someone withdrawing after enduring months of relationship issues.

[DanZee]

Well, I can tell you my father showed very little emotion and my mother was very upset about it. When he died, my mom pointed out to us that he had only said he loved her three times in his life and the only emotion he showed was during sex. I know she was very unhappy during her marriage because she was a very touchy-feely person. But they stood by each other for 54 years of marriage, mostly because they were children of divorced parents and they were determined not to separate.

[Everlong13]

My ex was like this and he broke my heart but I'm slowly starting to realise he maybe did me a favour. People don't change.

[DancingFool]

This is who he is. No, he isn't going to change. In fact, marriage makes things worse not better. So whatever you don't like about him now, multiply that by a thousand and then ask yourself if you can live with that. If you can't, walk away.

 

As for what can happen to make him better? HE has to decide for himself that HE needs to change and that HE has issues HE wants to fix. Then he would actually have to spend a year or two actively working with a therapist to try and correct some of his major issues. Note I said, some, because for the most part he'll stay fundamentally the same. Only a few things might get changed slightly if he works at it hard enough. In reality, most people find that kind of change and the work required way too difficult and uncomfortable and quit before they get any lasting results.

[Hollyj]

I would not settle for someone like this. Do you really want a lifetime with someone who is going to bail, or go silent when things get tough.

 

Please address your choices in partners, as it sounds like you settle for very little.

[tattoobunnie]

So when you both going through issues with kids, would you want a partner, or someone that runs away, while you pick up all the pieces?

 

Don't spend one more second on a person who can't be your rock, ever.

[Honeycomb8]

My last long term ex was like this. He would self sabotage everytime things were going well. He had fear of commitment and an anxious avoidant personality. These people don't change and would make absolutely terrible partners and husbands. Cut your losses, you're wasting your life on them.

[deedee911]

Yes! Things were going amazing and he sabotaged us! Which lead to him needing space which made me anxious and less to the break up because he can't deal with my anxiety. I felt that he picked a fight just because he wanted out.

[deedee911]

He wasn't my rock. When I was anxious and scared he was never around because he couldn't handle it. I wasn't being abusive it just made him uncomftobrtabe. He always put his needs first and rarely considered my feelings and the implications of him blurring out things. I'm grateful that we broke up because I can see how unhappy I was. I need someone that has more empathy and is in tune with me. I guess that is referred to as understanding and compassion!

[deedee911]

Yes, but withdrawing is not the answer at least not what I want. I would like communication so I know why a person needs space not to have to deal with the anxiety of not knowing why I feel distance or if I do. That confusion is unecesssry .

[Honeycomb8]

He wasn't my rock. When I was anxious and scared he was never around because he couldn't handle it. I wasn't being abusive it just made him uncomftobrtabe. He always put his needs first and rarely considered my feelings and the implications of him blurring out things. I'm grateful that we broke up because I can see how unhappy I was. I need someone that has more empathy and is in tune with me. I guess that is referred to as understanding and compassion!

 

 

That's how I felt in that relationship. I never felt secure and it was always about HIS feelings and how he's right.

 

My new bf on the other hand is very communicative, consistent and commitment oriented. It's just very easy with him, as he is emotionally open and stable. It's seriously such a nice change to have someone consider my feelings properly.