Girlfriend lied about her past

[darthlonely]

I had gone thorough a very rough break up with my first girlfriend after being together for 7 years. She had just moved to another city and got drunk at a party and cheated on me. We had a big fight and decided to part ways. After a few months I met a girl, we shared a lot in common. Same ideals for love and relationships, we both talked how cheating is disgusting and how the fairy tale of being together for ever with the one you love is how it should be and all that. I wasn't sure I could find anyone after the first breakup but I started believing this girl thought that I have found a girl who shares the same perspective as me.

 

We decided to date and take things slow, we got to know each other and we shared everything about ourselves. I told her about how my ex had got drunk and cheated on me. She told me she was in a relationship but it never got physical and it also ended bad for her because her boyfriend left her for someone else. We discussed how honesty should be the founding of a relationship and an integral part forever. We were together for about 7 months before we got into bed. She had told me she was a virgin and that's how I treated her, she acted like she is a virgin. I asked her how was her first time and she told me just as she imagined and that she loved me a lot. I believed every word she said.

 

3 years down the line, she has moved to another city since the past 1 year. Long distance is tough, timings don't match, communication is getting a hit. We haven't met in 6 months. It leads to a fight, of how the other person doesn't have time and don't feel loved. She tells me I don't send her letters or gifts like other couples do and that I don't care. But we really love each other and don't want it to end. She suggests that we be friends, see other people and after a couple of years, if we are still single and feel the same, we should get back together.

 

I am shocked to hear this, my head starts spinning. I ask her if she would be really ok with me being with other people and then coming back to her. She says yeah. I tell her you've not been with anyone else but I have and I can't imagine you with anyone else, it would break my heart. She tells me that she's been with other people. I'm shocked and my first reaction is to ask if she cheated? She says no, it was just before she started dating me. After her boyfriend left her, she got drunk and lost her virginity. My head is spinning, I can't take it. I ask her what about the together for ever thing, she says it doesn't seem to be working out in long distance so we can see other people and if we are back together it'll be romantic. I tell her I think it sounds vulgar.

 

I asked her why she lied about her past, she told me that it was a drunk thing and she wasn't proud of it and didn't want to share it with anyone as it was a bad experience. I had shared everything about my past, all the good and bad stuff. For 3 years I believed she was the person she told me she is. Her virginity is not my concern, it was before she committed to me. But she built our relationship on a lie. Not only about her past but also what she believed love was. My ex girlfriend had got drunk and cheated on me around the same time this girl had got drunk and lost her virginity. If she had told me about it that time, I would have considered twice before getting seriously involved with someone who could do such a thing or maybe it wouldn't have mattered to me and I would just accept her with all her past.But she never gave me the chance to make that decision. I'm not judging her but I was really low on trusting people that time and just needed someone honest. And how can she say that it'll be romantic if we breakup now but end up together. Said she saw it in a movie and it was romantic. I'm loosing my mind over her words.

 

It broke me to hear her say all this. How can people change their views like this? Is this how it is? Cheats and liars and bizarre concepts of romance? Am I foolish to believe the together forever, soulmates type of love. With over 10 years of being in relationships, I feel empty and love seems a concept of fantasy. I'm 27 and I feel I have lost the desire to find a companion.

 

Sorry for the long post, just had to get it out.

[SweetGirl28]

Alcohol--- the maker of bad decisions.

 

Okay so honestly, if that is how she lost her virginity, that's horrible.

I can understand her being ashamed/ embarrassed, however why tell you this now?

A good majority of people are not honest when it comes to past sexual partners.

I don't even ask, there's no point. I don't expect the truth anyway.

 

Don't give up just because she hurt you. I believe soul mates exist, however a soulmate is different

than a life partner. That's what you should be in search of. Love is not a fantasy.

You may have to go through several more relationships, or maybe one more to find her, but

keep the faith that it will happen.

 

Let this girl go, distance is hard, and how will you be able to trust her now?

[darthlonely]

Let this girl go, distance is hard, and how will you be able to trust her now?

 

I can't trust her. I don't know what she was honest about and what she lied about. I don't even know if I know her at all now.

My head really hurts and I feel a void where I felt my heart. I really don't believe I can trust anyone after this.

 

 

Maybe I should try alcohol and sleeping around, seems to be quite a thing.

[SweetGirl28]

I can't trust her. I don't know what she was honest about and what she lied about. I don't even know if I know her at all now.

My head really hurts and I feel a void where I felt my heart. I really don't believe I can trust anyone after this.

 

 

Maybe I should try alcohol and sleeping around, seems to be quite a thing.

 

No. Alcohol and having hookups won't make you feel any better.

You keep your health and dignity intact. Don't have lesser standards just because you've been hurt.

 

You feel a void because this is recent. It takes time to heal. You know this.

Having trust broken adds to the pain. And it's the holidays.

 

Heal from this so as not to bring trust issues into a new relationship.

I know it's difficult, but remember your next gf will not be your ex gf's, so don't

take out on her what they did to you.

 

I do hope you feel better, I'm really sorry

[darthlonely]

I feel like a fool for having such dignity and standards. Felt like a fool the first time but still believed in it, now I think I'm just fooling myself.

I don't even know what trust is now, what defines it? Trust, faithfulness, commitment are just words that people write about in books. Its all just words, no human authenticity to them.

[Pleasedonot5]

OP,

 

I feel your pain. It's just awful to feel like you were made to believe something that isn't true. Twice now. Even though it felt so real.

 

I want to challenge you to see her side about one thing: about being drunk and not wanting that to be her first time. People aren't proud of that kind of thing -- and for all intents and purposes, you were her first love and her first and most significant time. I think the pain comes from the shattering of the fantasy in your head wherein you were her first and only -- because this is an understandable lie to make.

 

Long distance sucks, and rejection / being broken up with sucks. I feel awful that you're going through this. Right now o recommend a good cry, staying away from contact with her, and eating a gallon of ice cream while watching funny videos. When you get to a place where you can feel the loss as it is, then allow yourself to do so.

 

In the meantime, try to see things logically, as they are, and limit/break all contact with her so you can heal.

[SweetGirl28]

I feel like a fool for having such dignity and standards. Felt like a fool the first time but still believed in it, now I think I'm just fooling myself.

I don't even know what trust is now, what defines it? Trust, faithfulness, commitment are just words that people write about in books. Its all just words, no human authenticity to them.

 

You're not a fool. You don't own others actions and behaviors, they do.

You were lied to, now you feel violated. And rightfully so.

Trust is hard to come by, but try to trust until there is a good reason not to.

 

Just this summer two of my friends intimately kissed my ex right in front of me.

I lost all three of them now. We don't speak at all.

I will never trust these gf's around any future BF.

Funny they ditched on me out of guilt. See how that works?

 

She's ditching on you, so let her. You are the better person. Believe in this.

The right girl for you won't betray your trust. She will do everything to show respect for you.

[anon2021]

Hi. I’m going through a similar situation with my ex boyfriend. Like you, I don’t understand how someone can claim to love you so deeply, and make you feel like they really care about you, just to ‘abandon’ you almost and leave you feeling completely alone... you begin to question what about the relationship was real, and whether it was fake the whole time.

 

I find it difficult to give you advice on this because I can relate to you so much. However, I do believe the right person is out there waiting for you.

 

I know it’s so hard but you need to leave this girl in the past, don’t listen to her “maybe in 2 years we’ll get back together” - no no no, it sounds to me like she wants you to wait around incase she doesn’t find someone she ‘prefers’. It sounds to me like she thinks the grass is greener on the otherside, but maybe that’s a good thing - let her do what she wants, you deserve someone who will be honest with you. The way she ended the relationship with you sounds abrupt, I mean, why bother telling you that she lied about how she lost her virginity whilst breaking up with you?

 

I know it’s difficult right now and this isn’t what you want to hear, it wasn’t what I want to hear but it’s so true that there are many more people out there that you are compatible with. It just takes time. Don’t let this situation turn you to alcohol for your answer, or even sleeping around, it’s true you won’t feel yourself and you will feel like you’ve lost your dignity. Stay strong.

[lostandhurt]

Let's say that she was really a virgin when you met her.

 

Right now that is totally beside the real point isn't it? Long distance relationship that has been heading down hill for a while and now she wants to break up and IF you both are still single in some undetermined amount of time you can try again.

 

The relationship isn't over because she lied, it is over because she moved away and it wasn't strong enough.

 

Yes is sucks to be mislead and lied to but you are focusing on the wrong thing here. Time to return her stuff and get anything back of yours she might have and go NC and start healing. In time you will once again meet someone new that actually wants to live where you live.

 

PS Perhaps you should try and not be so rigid on parts of your requirements. People make mistakes and are not perfect. Making statements like "that would be vulgar" will lead others to not open up to you and hide things.

 

I am sorry

 

Lost

[jimthzz]

You do not have to be accepting of all kinds of human failings in your romantic partners. However, you can recognize them for what they are and move on knowing you acted within your values even if they could not.

 

Time to move on, informed that this one is not for you.

[Jibralta]

I can understand why you're upset that she wants to see other people. That's a difficult position for anyone to be in. But it seems to me that you're not being completely honest with yourself when you say that her virginity is not your concern. I think you will do better if you analyse these two issues seperately.

 

First of all, the title of your thread is "Girlfriend lied about her past." Your girlfriend didn't lie about her past. She lied about being a virgin. She did it because she felt bad about the experience that she had. Her virginity was probably special to her, and she unfortunately lost it in an unpleasant way. It seems like she wanted to have the experience over again, with you. Personally, I would feel sympathy for a loved one in her position--drunk, bad decision, bad experience--even if she lied to me about it and I found out through other people. I think it's understandable. It's a small lie in the grand scheme of things, and it certainly doesn't encompass her entire past.

 

Secondly, you said that your relationship was built on a lie. Your girlfriend didn't lie about wanting to be together forever. She made an effort at it for more than two years. Unfortunately, she changed her mind. That's not a lie. The lie that your girlfriend told was about being a virgin. If you say your relationship was built on a lie, then you are saying your relationship was built on her virginity.

 

Thirdly, you said that she denied you the chance to carefully consider whether you wanted to get involved with "someone who could do such a thing," or not. In effect, she tricked you into accepting her without first disclosing her drunken encounter. Note that this contradicts your subsequent claim that her virginity was not your concern. Perhaps in your ideal mind, it wouldn't be an issue. But in practice, it seems like you are holding her to a standard that you don't necessarily feel good about.

 

Fourthly, you align the timing of your girlfriend's deflowering with the unfaithfulness of your ex-girlfriend. If your girlfriend's virginity is really not a concern, then how can you compare it to your ex-girlfriend's unfaithfulness?

 

Finally, you said you treated her like a virgin, so obviously virginity was special enough to you that you reserved certain behavior for it.

 

It really does seem to me that a lot of your anger is related to this revelation that she was not a virgin. Not that you aren't devastated about the break up. But you're conflating two different issues and I think it's making the whole thing more painful than it needs to be.

 

And how can she say that it'll be romantic if we breakup now but end up together.

 

I'm not saying that you should wait around for her. But it's possible that the two of you could get back together, and be stronger than ever. However, it will be impossible if you must be her soul sexual possessor.

 

I know a very happily married couple who split for a couple of years before they got married. They just needed to see if they were the right people for each other, and it turned out that they were.

 

I also know two couples who were divorced and then remarried a couple of years later. One of these two marriages is more troubled than the other, but they have been through a lot together, and are devoted to each other almost out of habit. It's kind of nice to see, actually.

[yatsue]

I think it is understandable that she wants to break up because of the distance. It truly is difficult to do long distance with just a partner. Perhaps if you two were married for decades, had to do long distance temporarily for the good of the family, and have children, then it would be a more stable, strong relationship that could take that kind of distance. You go through a lot as one unit after all this, as a family. Not just two individuals anymore.

 

Now, a couple who have only been together for a few years...is likely not able to withstand such distance. The distance is likely the most difficult thing the couple has gone through, individual issues aside. A legit family who has gone through sharing everything and created a family, have already gone through more obstacles that could make or break the couple. I always hate hearing about my friends' long distance relationships and someone getting hurt (one of the couple, friends or family) in some way because they wanted to do it or not; they never work out, whether they try it or not. Those who try LDR, usually one cheats emotionally/physically in some way, or they have too many arguments because of the distance because the relationship hasn't been through much yet as a couple (again, not including individual issues).

 

With her lying, I don't blame her for lying about something she was ashamed of that you didn't really need to know. I agree you both shouldn't have focused on being so "honest" with each other. It sounds cringy and too idealistic/romanticized, but I understand why you're hurt she lied. Not cool, although it would be overboard for you to go nuts over this and stop trusting people, then turn into a man-hoe.

 

In the next relationship, I would focus less on TALKING about being honest and just focus on being honest yourself. Talking about it just makes everyone be too focused and paranoid about your hurt past and ideals about what your partner should have done in the past. Focus on the future, not on someone else's past.

[darthlonely]

OP,

 

I want to challenge you to see her side about one thing: about being drunk and not wanting that to be her first time. People aren't proud of that kind of thing -- and for all intents and purposes, you were her first love and her first and most significant time. I think the pain comes from the shattering of the fantasy in your head wherein you were her first and only -- because this is an understandable lie to make.

 

 

I did not want a 'virgin'. I don't have it as a requirement, all I wanted was honesty. I was honest about my past, no matter how embarrassing it got. And in the 3 years , our pasts came up more than once, we talked about everything. She just lied, when I believed every word she said. She knew I believed her. Know I don't know what all she lied about, was she even faithful. I'll never know.

[darthlonely]

It was idealistic and romanticized by both of us. Apparently, where as I was honest about my self, she just talked about it. I don't expect her to have behaved in a specific way in the past or anything, even if she would have told me that she is not comfortable talking about it I would be ok. I wouldn't pressure her to share something she didn't want to. Its just that she made me believe that she was completely open with me and shared that connection that makes one feel that its going to last for this life. Apart from the lying I couldn't believe that she said we should come back together after a few years. Its not the type of thing she would say. Its unbelievable what a person hides and what they show.

[darthlonely]

With her lying, I don't blame her for lying about something she was ashamed of that you didn't really need to know. I agree you both shouldn't have focused on being so "honest" with each other. It sounds cringy and too idealistic/romanticized, but I understand why you're hurt she lied. Not cool, although it would be overboard for you to go nuts over this and stop trusting people, then turn into a man-hoe.

 

In the next relationship, I would focus less on TALKING about being honest and just focus on being honest yourself. Talking about it just makes everyone be too focused and paranoid about your hurt past and ideals about what your partner should have done in the past. Focus on the future, not on someone else's past.

 

It was idealistic and romanticized by both of us. Apparently, where as I was honest about my self, she just talked about it. I don't expect her to have behaved in a specific way in the past or anything, even if she would have told me that she is not comfortable talking about it I would be ok. I wouldn't pressure her to share something she didn't want to. Its just that she made me believe that she was completely open with me and shared that connection that makes one feel that its going to last for this life. Apart from the lying I couldn't believe that she said we should come back together after a few years. Its not the type of thing she would say. Its unbelievable what a person hides and what they show.

[darthlonely]

 

Thirdly, you said that she denied you the chance to carefully consider whether you wanted to get involved with "someone who could do such a thing," or not. In effect, she tricked you into accepting her without first disclosing her drunken encounter. Note that this contradicts your subsequent claim that her virginity was not your concern. Perhaps in your ideal mind, it wouldn't be an issue. But in practice, it seems like you are holding her to a standard that you don't necessarily feel good about.

 

Fourthly, you align the timing of your girlfriend's deflowering with the unfaithfulness of your ex-girlfriend. If your girlfriend's virginity is really not a concern, then how can you compare it to your ex-girlfriend's unfaithfulness?

 

Finally, you said you treated her like a virgin, so obviously virginity was special enough to you that you reserved certain behavior for it.

 

It really does seem to me that a lot of your anger is related to this revelation that she was not a virgin. Not that you aren't devastated about the break up. But you're conflating two different issues and I think it's making the whole thing more painful than it needs to be.

 

I also know two couples who were divorced and then remarried a couple of years later. One of these two marriages is more troubled than the other, but they have been through a lot together, and are devoted to each other almost out of habit. It's kind of nice to see, actually.

 

I told her about my past experience of being cheated on by a drunk girlfriend. Don't you think I would be a little cautious getting into another relationship with a girl who told me she lost her virginity while being drunk? I'm not saying I judge her for what she did, I'm no one to pass such judgements. But I don't think its fair to lie to someone when you know what they've been through recently.

 

If she believed in being together forever, why this sudden change of perspective? I know its long distance and its hard, but what is the point if you don't even want to try?

[limichelle]

OP

 

I'm sorry you are going through this.

 

It is odd she's setting the grounds for reconciliation based on a movie plot.

 

I think she should have not lied about being a virgin. I mean she doesn't have to tell you how she lost her virginity but to lie about it?

 

It gives you a sense of false hope

 

I can see why you have trust issues. Just don't let these past experiences make you bitter. There is that eternal love out there for you. There is a difference in a soulmate and an eternal love. Soulmates are those who come into our lives for a brief period with whom we have a strong connection with. They are there to teach us growth within ourselves and then move on.

 

I have had several soulmates in the form of friendship and past loves.

 

Eternal love is that person who is unconditional and you feel unconditional back. Who walks with you even in the storm.

 

You will find her you just never give up on love. Take a break from it is okay. Just always believe.

 

Lisa

[darthlonely]

You're not a fool. You don't own others actions and behaviors, they do.

You were lied to, now you feel violated. And rightfully so.

Trust is hard to come by, but try to trust until there is a good reason not to.

 

Just this summer two of my friends intimately kissed my ex right in front of me.

I lost all three of them now. We don't speak at all.

I will never trust these gf's around any future BF.

Funny they ditched on me out of guilt. See how that works?

 

She's ditching on you, so let her. You are the better person. Believe in this.

The right girl for you won't betray your trust. She will do everything to show respect for you.

 

I'm sorry for what you've been through. I think trust in relationships is hardly valued these days.

Thank you for your kind words, I hope you too have people around you that respect you.

[darthlonely]

I can see why you have trust issues. Just don't let these past experiences make you bitter. There is that eternal love out there for you. There is a difference in a soulmate and an eternal love. Soulmates are those who come into our lives for a brief period with whom we have a strong connection with. They are there to teach us growth within ourselves and then move on.

 

I have had several soulmates in the form of friendship and past loves.

 

Eternal love is that person who is unconditional and you feel unconditional back. Who walks with you even in the storm.

 

You will find her you just never give up on love. Take a break from it is okay. Just always believe.

 

Lisa

 

I really felt this was the eternal love. She told me she felt it too. I didn't expect distance to break this up. Its just hard to trust now. Its harder to not give up on love.

[darthlonely]

 

I know it’s difficult right now and this isn’t what you want to hear, it wasn’t what I want to hear but it’s so true that there are many more people out there that you are compatible with. It just takes time. Don’t let this situation turn you to alcohol for your answer, or even sleeping around, it’s true you won’t feel yourself and you will feel like you’ve lost your dignity. Stay strong.

 

It just seems like a lost cause now. Compatibility and the like, its all just words. I don't even know if there are any genuine people out there.

[SweetGirl28]

I'm sorry for what you've been through. I think trust in relationships is hardly valued these days.

Thank you for your kind words, I hope you too have people around you that respect you.

 

Thanks, I'm sorry for you as well.

 

I do believe he was rethinking dumping me, but my friends out of disrespect for me badgered him to death,

and I didn't even want to get back with him. Them annoying him pushed him further away since he was already

untrusting of me. I can't forget any of it, it haunts me. Haven't spoken a word to him in 2 1/2 months, and never will.

I'll probably just hang out here in the anger stage for a while, lol.

 

I'm only telling you this because though right now it seems there's no hope, there is. You will love again,

you will trust again, on your own terms, when you're ready to. Take the time to grieve and process this, and

when you least expect it, a girl is going to catch your interest again. If your ex reaches out, be careful.

Guard yourself. You know they truly want to reconcile when they go out of their way to get your attention, say they miss you, start sending things that remind you of happy times. Otherwise, it's not sincere.

 

Someone told me that I needed to look at who I surround myself with, and that is a reflection of me.

These two friends do not have moral compasses, unlike me. So I turned to other friends now.

Ones that will keep me on a good path and not disrespect me. And I'm better off for it.

You have good morals, standards, and a heart that wants love. I can only hope my daughter

one day when she's old enough finds someone like you!

[darthlonely]

 

I'm only telling you this because though right now it seems there's no hope, there is. You will love again,

you will trust again, on your own terms, when you're ready to. Take the time to grieve and process this, and

when you least expect it, a girl is going to catch your interest again. If your ex reaches out, be careful.

Guard yourself. You know they truly want to reconcile when they go out of their way to get your attention, say they miss you, start sending things that remind you of happy times. Otherwise, it's not sincere.

 

I think that is the only advice that is going to work. Taking time of from love and relationships. Not only do I feel hurt, I also feel drained. Drained of energy and hope and optimism.

 

Someone told me that I needed to look at who I surround myself with, and that is a reflection of me.

These two friends do not have moral compasses, unlike me. So I turned to other friends now.

Ones that will keep me on a good path and not disrespect me. And I'm better off for it.

You have good morals, standards, and a heart that wants love. I can only hope my daughter

one day when she's old enough finds someone like you!

 

I guess I need to find better people too.

You are too kind with your words, I hope I'm worthy of them. Thanks a lot.

[SweetGirl28]

I think that is the only advice that is going to work. Taking time of from love and relationships. Not only do I feel hurt, I also feel drained. Drained of energy and hope and optimism.

 

 

 

I guess I need to find better people too.

You are too kind with your words, I hope I'm worthy of them. Thanks a lot.

 

I wish you the best, and hope you get peaceful sleep too

[halfsugar]

First of all, I am sorry for what you've been through. But also, I believe in Love, Love does exist. and everyone makes mistakes. I think it makes sense that she lied to you because however she must be so afraid that you will judged her wrong (though she wouldn't), have you think about how she felt when she lied to you for years? she must be suffer, trust me.

 

Give her a chance, either to yourself and to her. If you are happy with her, then go have it. Sometimes people makes mistakes, including me , you or her.

[jimthzz]

I think you may just have to have a more cynical outlook on life, but not so hardened as to throw the baby out with the bathwater.

 

I agree with you that the actual virginity is not what you prized. You prize authenticity and intimacy and trust--no secrets.

 

That said, that is a really high standard to meet.

 

If someone is ashamed of them-self and encounters that kind of value system, how do they have a shot at meeting it?

 

Some know that they can't but want to be around the one that does. So what do they do? Lie or omit the truth.

 

Does this mean that they are bad people? Not always.

 

People are funny about their sexual history.