I can’t understand it

[shemmyemmy23]

Matched with this guy on tinder about a month ago, we’ve messaged everyday since and have been on three dates. On our third date, we had sex. Since then things have been a little weird, he is generally quite a busy guy but he’s been less chatty than normal since our third date (when we had sex) and when I asked him if he was okay, he said he was just really busy but I’m not sure? I decided to leave it and not message him and he hasn’t messaged me at all today. I quite like him though, don’t know what to do!

[j.man]

Is there a fourth date lined up? If he's been the one to initiate the first three, throw your hat into the ring. Avoid asking questions like "are you OK?" simply because you're not getting as many texts as would make you comfortable. Especially early on, focus on the quality of your time together rather than apart.

[shemmyemmy23]

I’d say it’s been pretty equal in terms of who’s initiated the previous dates

[j.man]

Well I mean it's been 3. Not too hard to do the math as far as who's up next. Could be any number of elements that we can't know given the absence of detail and the fact we haven't been observing your dates. Ask him out or sit around anxious. Up to you.

[katrina1980]

I cannot believe the amount of threads I've read lately (not just on this forum) from folks (women and men) posting about how some guy/girl they've been dating has pulled away after first time sex!

 

First off, it's not uncommon for there to be a bit of a "shift" or slowing down after first time sex.

 

Not every man needs to do this, but many do. They've accomplished their initial goal and are now deciding if they want to proceed forward.

 

There was an entire thread devoted to this topic in a different forum and many men attested to it's truth.

 

Just leave him alone.

 

Agree with j.man, do not text him things like "are you okay"?

 

Just do your thing, live your life, spend time with friends, either he will want to continue moving forward or he won't.

 

If he does he knows how and where to find you.

 

Don't push it.

[SweetGirl28]

No one is ever too busy.

You gave it up too soon.

Tinder is known to be a hook up site.

Leave him alone. Make the next guy work for it!

Show there's more to you than just your body. Men of value find that attractive.

[Realitynut]

Listen....sorry this has happened to you...but I'm 60 and believe me, it has happened in the MAJORITY of my times dating, that after I had sex the first time, the guy does the disappearing act. Doesn't matter if it's after the first date, 3rd date...or whatever. NOT ALL mind you...but I would say about 70%.

 

This last guy that I have seen...off and on for 4 years....we didn't do it for 10 MONTHS. He was really into me, text every day...and even saw each other every day. Finally I became attracted enough towards him (I was emotionally, just not physically) to finally 'do' it. WOW. His kisses were the best...everything great. He jumps up after and says....don't call or text me tomorrow. I sat there crying, as he runs out the door.

 

He still does that. Will see me and be 'chasing' me, until we have sex, then suddenly he's busy.

 

Been doing this dance for 4 years.

 

Just happened again...and I'm DONE. (course I've been saying that for years)

 

I don't know if it's the conquest thing, or not. Or a commitment phobe...who really knows.

Sometime I doubt they even know.

 

Just back off. He'll either contact you, or he won't. I've had that happen to me in my early 20's, 30's and in my 50's....It's mind boggling.

 

I do have to say tho...my LONG term bf's and husband...didn't do that. They stuck around after the first time.....as they should.

[katrina1980]

No one is ever too busy.

You gave it up too soon.

Tinder is known to be a hook up site.

Leave him alone. Make the next guy work for it!

Show there's more to you than just your body. Men of value find that attractive.

 

Sure she could play that game, but she (and all women) should be aware that there is another subset of men (high quality men) who see that game as a manipulation, and become turned off by it.

 

I have been reading these forums for years, have five brothers and attend a support group (both men and women) and based on their responses, if a man is attracted enough and looking for a relationship, it won't matter a hill of beans when they have sex.

 

Personally speaking, I had sex with my ex the first night we met, and we were together six years, got engaged.

 

It ended for reasons unrelated to sex. He didn't pull away after first time sex, but he did at various other times in early stages. Typically after spending a long intense weekend together.

 

I just left him alone and in a couple of days, he was back to ole self.

 

Bottom line, a woman could wait 100 dates, if he only wants sex or inclined to turn off afterwards, he will regardless of how long she made him wait, and "work for it."

 

Some men are just into the challenge.

[SweetGirl28]

Sure she could play that game, but she (and all women) should be aware that there is another subset of men who see that game as a manipulation, and become turned off by it.

 

I have been reading these forums for years, have five brothers and attend a support group (both men and women) and based in their responses, if a man is attracted enough and looking for a relationship, it won't matter a hill of beans when they have sex.

 

A woman could wait 100 dates, if he only wants sex or inclined to turn off afterwards, he will regardless of how long she made him wait, and "work for it."

 

Some men are just into the challenge.

 

Yes, but it's Tinder.

That site is as bad as going on Craigslist to hook up.

I've never had a guy bail on me after sex, so I don't know what it feels like.

 

Any man that would see waiting as manipulation is not a man I'd spend even ten minutes on.

[katrina1980]

Yes, but it's Tinder.

That site is as bad as going on Craigslist to hook up.

I've never had a guy bail on me after sex, so I don't know what it feels like.

 

Any man that would see waiting as manipulation is not a man I'd spend even ten minutes on.

 

I think it would depend on why she's waiting though, wouldn't it?

 

In some cases (not all) it IS a manipulation of sorts.

 

Making him "work for it"?

 

I respect your opinion, but don't agree with that mind-set.

 

Agree if she is looking for something substantial, best to stay off tinder.

[itsallgrand]

Isn't tinder mostly for hook ups? Maybe I'm wrong, never used it myself.

[Bowandhat]

First I think you should try OkCupid. Second I think this is very important to ask but was it protected sex? I had a friend who fell for some guy and after they had sex she got herpes and the guy basically vanished.

[SherrySher]

How a man acts after the first time after sex is very revealing. If he is feeling quite close to you and takes things seriously, things will get better and he will pay you more attention such as not being able to wait till he see's you again, etc.

 

If he isn't making as many efforts and seems to withdraw, it's more than likely that he was just in it for the sex and now there's no challenge, so he's done.

 

He might show up again for another hook up but as for anything serious, it most likely won't happen.

[thorough]

Tinder is 99% a hookup app. Out of the prob 15 guys I met (I didn't sleep w/them), 1 guy was on the level enough to want a relationship. In my experience from tinder, the guys will do anything to get you in bed, since I didn't give in, they distanced themselves. I believe he was only looking for sex, if you want a relationship, wait up on sleeping w/the guy and after a few dates they will disappear if they have other intentions. Sex will not make them stay and I know how charming these guys can be.