He won't fulfill my sexual fantasies, am I right to think about breaking up with him for it?

[Lizeth90]

My fantasy involves being in a car/doing it outside. His includes socks. He is my first relationship and he has been in one when he was 19-20 and 4 others--two were one-night stands and the other two became a friends-with-benefits type of relationship. He says he always wanted a long-term, serious relationship, however. He has managed to fulfill his own fantasies and has attempted to do so with me but psyched himself out and never tried it again. We're about to celebrate 3 years together in March 2018 and I feel like having gone my entire life to end up with someone so....boring...wasn't worth it. He is absolutely fantastic in every other way. However, the fact that it has taken him so long to fulfill it has destroyed my excitement to do it at all with him now! Keep in mind that he has done it outside and in a car before when he was 19-20 but won't with me. These relationships seem to have left their marks on him without him realizing it. He trusted a girl he's known for 2-3 months about his fetish but didn't tell me for 8 months despite having asked him repeatedly, he began to seem distant to me and I caught him flirting online with one particular woman but once he told me he had me buy packs and packs of socks every week or few days, it was ridiculous!

 

I have forgiven him about everything because I'm a good judge of character and I know he isn't lying this time around but I don't know how to get the excitement back so that I could want to do these things with him now! is it even possible because a few months have passed? Is this really a good reason for a deal-breaker? help! I would love to hear it from someone who's been there.

 

P.S. I feel like I still some cobwebs that need to get out while he's been there and is ready to settle down. He knows what he likes and rarely strays far from it while I want to experiment.

[rosephase]

Sexual incompatibility is as fine a reason as any other kind of incompatibility to break up.

 

Personally I can't be with someone who isn't at least interested in exploring sex with me. It's one thing if he had tried your kinks and decide they don't work for him. It's another to indulge his fantasy while never trying yours... in three years.

[agent1607307371]

Agree with rosephase. There's a real selfishness there.

[Lizeth90]

I agree! he says he wants to try now and he did show me that he could..ummm...keep up and not psych himself out but it was super brief and not at all my fantasy but the issue now is me not feeling excited about it with him b/c I was given so much crap for it before. I wanted the guy to be excited. Shouldn't seeing me excited do the same for him?

 

I could care less about socks, they're about as exciting to me as elbows are but I happily did it with enthusiasm and even created a whole page for him. He used to tell me that fantasies weren't important but then went behind my back twice with a 3-month gap between each time to indulge in his fantasy. I told him that he seemed to only want to have sex if I was wearing them which he denied but then admits to masturbating to pics and videos of us where my face isn't even shown or body, at times, just socks!

[DancingFool]

I don't think it's quite as black and white as you are thinking.....

Consider that people will tell strangers what they will never tell their closest friend and confidante. What you are dealing with is kind of similar. He might be comfortable doing some crazy stuff with people he didn't care about, but he is emotionally too vulnerable to do the same when it comes to you. So if you want to explore, I think you need to actually approach him from a different angle - that of stronger trust and emotional connection. That the two you of you CAN trust each other to experiment.

[j.man]

Sexuality isn't give and take. It's about sharing what you're both comfortable with. Just because you're comfortable with a fantasy of his doesn't mean he's the same with one of yours. If it's the case you're unsatisfied with your sex life as a result, you are well entitled to that. It simply means you're probably better off finding someone who's more sexually compatible with you.

 

Depending on the context, both your fantasies could actually be illegal, which is one consideration. I mean I would consider it a bit prudish for his part if he can't even have sex in a car in his or your own garage, but if we're talking a parking lot or something... gotta say I empathize moreso with him. Also, I've only ever been with loud women, so don't think I'd be thrilled about having sex outdoors, even in my own backyard.

[rosephase]

. He used to tell me that fantasies weren't important but then went behind my back twice with a 3-month gap between each time to indulge in his fantasy. I told him that he seemed to only want to have sex if I was wearing them which he denied but then admits to masturbating to pics and videos of us where my face isn't even shown or body, at times, just socks!

 

That's a good old fashioned fetish. Nothing wrong with it. We don't get to pick and choose what gets us off. If socks don't bother you and you enjoy getting him off it all works out. What doesn't work out is him not even trying to explore your sexual fantasy in three years of you being together.

 

It's not like you want to do it while sky diving (which would take time, training and some pretty open sky diving schools) you just want to f*ck in a car. Or outside somewhere. I haven't been in one sexual relationship that has lasted more than two months where we haven't had sex in a car. I also adore having sex in nature and even though it doesn't get my partner off (and getting caught freaks him out) he planned a back packing trip so we could get the away form everyone and f*ck in the sunshine by a lake to my hearts content. Sex should be a fun thing for both of you. Having a partner who is actively excited about getting you off is -the best-. And you've been that for him while he hasn't been that for you.

[Lizeth90]

@DancingFool You are so wise! I have pointed this out to him but he doesn't seem to see it (he lacks a self-awareness about himself that drives me crazy!) while I think it's sweet that he feels this for me, it's annoying and I want him to channel it some other way. I know I had trust issues and was very open about this to him from the get-go but I admitted it and gave him chances but after so many lies I haven't been able to trust him. It's going to be 3 years soon and I'm 27 and never having done anything...I feel like I can't take more time on someone who's proven to be such an experiment. Building the trust for both of us will take time I don't think I have anymore. Thank you.

[pippy longstocking]

When I was interested in sex and men I wouldn't have even let it get to 3 years without knowing if there was a compatibility ..sexual preference is a long standing thing , not just something to get out every now and again . After all this time is seems quite clear that you need to settle or move on ...or at least instigate it ..can you drive , park the car up and go for it without him having chance to fret ..then see how he is .

[pippy longstocking]

Sexual issues:

--In the 2+ years together he has, NOT ONCE, fulfilled ANY of my sexual fantasies while I've fulfilled all of his (I'm 26 ing years old, there is I want to do before I drop dead! he just reverts back to what he's always done with others--his fetish and a specific position)

--He had issues with me masturbating when we first met, he felt only men were allowed to do it b/c he thought that if women did it they're become desensitized (ironically, he ended up having the "death grip" issue himself for a long time and it ruined our sex life)

--He tells me he has fantasies that are only hot when strangers do it, not whensomeone he loves does it

--My sex drive is a lot higher than his

--He seems to onlybe attracted to incredibly petite women (unlike me) and it's made me insecure in a way I've never felt prior to meeting him

 

you wrote that back in April and here we are almost at the end of the year ..I think you are a flogging a dead horse darling ..

[Lizeth90]

Hey, there, I hope I was of help with your question. We can be super compatible when we're having a good day! the guy can last really long or go twice but I hate that he won't indulge in my fantasies and it's begun to get to me. We usually do the same 3 positions he seems to have always liked with everyone else and one of them isn't my favorite or sometimes hurts me but it's HIS favorite just want more variety.

[Lizeth90]

@pippy longstocking You're absolutely right. I swear, had this not been my first relationship, I wouldn't have wasted so much time or have had the patience. He's just too much work.

[DancingFool]

@DancingFool You are so wise! I have pointed this out to him but he doesn't seem to see it (he lacks a self-awareness about himself that drives me crazy!) while I think it's sweet that he feels this for me, it's annoying and I want him to channel it some other way. I know I had trust issues and was very open about this to him from the get-go but I admitted it and gave him chances but after so many lies I haven't been able to trust him. It's going to be 3 years soon and I'm 27 and never having done anything...I feel like I can't take more time on someone who's proven to be such an experiment. Building the trust for both of us will take time I don't think I have anymore. Thank you.

 

Given that the two of you have invested 3 years into this, in your shoes, I'd actually sit him down and have the come to Jesus type talk. Essentially now or never. This is important to me and if he can't make it happen for me, it's over. I think you owe each other that much and when I say that much, I mean being that brutally blunt about it.

[Lizeth90]

@DancingFool Oh, I have and he just doesn't get it. I have honestly wondered if he's either selfish or just very thick as the Brits say. He seems to be one of those people that doesn't grasp things until it's too late. I even told him once "when someone tells you what they want listen and when someone shows you who they are take it as it is".

[DancingFool]

@DancingFool Oh, I have and he just doesn't get it. I have honestly wondered if he's either selfish or just very thick as the Brits say. He seems to be one of those people that doesn't grasp things until it's too late. I even told him once "when someone tells you what they want listen and when someone shows you who they are take it as it is".

 

.....ouch....sounds like you've done everything that you can and...nothing in return. So yeah, I couldn't spend my life in a sexually unsatisfying relationship either. Probably time to let this one go so you can find someone who is more open, fun, and compatible to you. Can't really waste another year or two or ten, because eventually what will happen is you'll end up miserable and straying, aka cheating, and you don't want to go there.

[ThatwasThen]

@pippy longstocking You're absolutely right. I swear, had this not been my first relationship, I wouldn't have wasted so much time or have had the patience. He's just too much work.

 

Have you tried seducing him when you're both in the car. I once went on a drive with the hubby in heels and a mini skirt with no panties and made sure he was aware that I was going commando by how I got into the car. We certainly did have sex in the car that day.

[pippy longstocking]

@DancingFool Oh, I have and he just doesn't get it. I have honestly wondered if he's either selfish or just very thick as the Brits say. He seems to be one of those people that doesn't grasp things until it's too late. I even told him once "when someone tells you what they want listen and when someone shows you who they are take it as it is".

 

wise words to give him , especially as you are one with no past experience , you are 20 years ahead of him I tell you .

 

TWT I just about climbed through the passenger window then

[ThatwasThen]

 

TWT I just about climbed through the passenger window then

... lolzzz ...

[DancingFool]

Have you tried seducing him when you're both in the car. I once went on a drive with the hubby in heels and a mini skirt with no panties and made sure he was aware that I was going commando by how I got into the car. We certainly did have sex in the car that day.

 

Oh ha! Now that brings back some memories....lol.... Sometimes it sure isn't about conversations......

[Giblesp]

Your so hung up over his past, you can't really be in the present with him. Not healthy ground for a good sexual relationship.

 

If a woman spoke about me the way you spoke about him, I'd leave her straight away.

 

Break up with him, get some therapy and do self work.

[Lizeth90]

@giblesp I wasn't until he kept blabbing things out about his past immediately after sex or having him tell me that he did these particular things in the past that I want to do but he won't with me, that's the hang up I'm having.

[ThatwasThen]

@giblesp I wasn't until he kept blabbing things out about his past immediately after sex or having him tell me that he did these particular things in the past that I want to do but he won't with me, that's the hang up I'm having.

 

What, If anything do you do to help you get your way with him?

 

... Or has it just gotten so bad that you should just leave?

[DancingFool]

@giblesp I wasn't until he kept blabbing things out about his past immediately after sex or having him tell me that he did these particular things in the past that I want to do but he won't with me, that's the hang up I'm having.

 

That's pretty messed up and that's not your hang up, it's his. It almost sounds like will intentionally not give you what you need.....

 

That said, I'm curious along with with thatwasthen, have you tried simply seducing him without discussion? If you tried that too and nada......I don't know what to tell you other than it's probably time to throw in the towel.

[Giblesp]

@giblesp I wasn't until he kept blabbing things out about his past immediately after sex or having him tell me that he did these particular things in the past that I want to do but he won't with me, that's the hang up I'm having.

 

Well, he shouldn't be doing that. I withdraw my last comment and say that I'd be leaving my partner in your circumstances.

[abitbroken]

Honestly, if you want your fantasy - plan a camping trip. You can have intimacy under the stars. Sex in a car or outside could have been something he did when he was young and stupid and now that he is older, he does not want to get caught by passersby having sex outside - where he could be arrested for exposure or lewd behavior? Do you think this is less of a true fantasy for you and more of a "well he did it with her, am i not as important?" Or do you want sex outside because you like the thrill of almost being caught doing it by someone else?