Relationship SOS

[Miggeep]

so my situation is complicated. I’ve been with someone for 5 years now on and off. When we’re off we’re never off for too long and then we start seeing eachother again, we stay monogamous but he doesn’t want to go straight to having a title because apparently it causes more issues. So for the past year we’ve been on again (without the title -_-) and he hasn’t been invested but then says things like “you clearly wanna break up with me so bad” when I threaten him with leaving, as if to make it out like I’m the one not invested. He keeps cancelling last minute, I get lucky if he tells me he’s cancelling he sometimes just decides to ignore me on the day we’ve planned to meet. Next day he’ll give me some out of this world excuse and tells me I’m crazy for being so angry. Fair enough I kind of tell him exactly how I feel in form of messages when I’m angry but he tells me I shouldn’t be angry. He has things to do and money to make. He’ll eventually see me and have a great day together and then out of nowhere he’ll agajn disappear for a few days and he says he’s just been working. Worst thing is I’ve told him how I’m clearly at fault for letting it go on for so long and I tell him I don’t think he’s interested anymore and I feel like an option not a priority and he tells me I’m crazy for thinking that and I’m just making assumptions. At this stage I don’t know what to do anymore I just need an explanation to this behaviour and what to do next.

[SweetGirl28]

How old are you both?

It seems as if he has a side chick, sorry.

[abitbroken]

I would move on to find someone who is thrilled to be with you

[Miggeep]

How old are you both?

It seems as if he has a side chick, sorry.

 

We’re 22. Really? See I even said that to him and told him if he has a side chick just let me go but he told he he hasn’t touched another girl for the whole time he’s known me

[MissCanuck]

I don't believe for a moment that he is monogamous, OP. All the men I've met who behave like this most definitely have more than one girl on the go.

 

This type of guy loves having a safe FallBack Girl (you, in this case) but also having his fun on his schedule and seeing who he wants - and he's "technically" not doing anything wrong because you're not his girlfriend. It's the perfect set-up for a dude who doesn't want to settle down, actually. He can play around and you'll still be there offering the girlfriend experience.

 

I would focus less on why he behaves this way, and instead ask yourself why you do. This clearly isn't working for you and you've already wasted 5 years. There's quite obviously no future with him. What is keeping you there?

[scheme]

Here we go again: You're with a dismissive avoidant:

 

• Saying (or thinking) “I’m not ready to commit”—but staying together nonetheless, sometimes for years.

 

• Focusing on small imperfections in your partner: the way s/ he talks, dresses, eats, or (fill in the blank) and allowing it to get in the way of your romantic feelings.

 

• Pining after an ex-girlfriend/ boyfriend—( the “phantom ex”— more on this later).

 

• Flirting with others—a hurtful way to introduce insecurity into the relationship.

 

• Not saying “I love you”—while implying that you do have feelings toward the other person.

 

• Pulling away when things are going well (e.g., not calling for several days after an intimate date).

 

• Forming relationships with an impossible future, such as with someone who is married.

 

• “Checking out mentally” when your partner is talking to you.

 

• Keeping secrets and leaving things foggy—to maintain your feeling of independence.

 

• Avoiding physical closeness—e.g., not wanting to share the same bed, not wanting to have sex, walking several strides ahead of your partner.

 

The more extreme avoidants are almost incapable of talking about their feelings; whatever feelings they do have access to are primarily negative and they have great difficulty describing them verbally. This syndrome is called alexithymia, the roots of the word literally meaning “having no words for feelings,” which is not quite the same thing as not having feelings. The worst cases can only express themselves with inchoate rages and tantrums, or unexplained physical symptoms like stomach pains and adrenalin rushes.

 

The most compelling theory of how consciousness arose has between-person communication (primitive language) giving rise to internal communication, so that what we see as a stream of consciousness is actually internal dialogue, talking to yourself. Noting this, you might say that an inability to name and talk about feelings cripples a person’s ability to be consciously aware of them. If one is very poor at doing this, one would tend to note feelings only as manifested in somatic symptoms like fast heart rate, discomfort, loss of energy, nervousness, etc.

 

- taken from "Avoidant" by author jeb kinnison

[reinventmyself]

We’re 22. Really? See I even said that to him and told him if he has a side chick just let me go but he told he he hasn’t touched another girl for the whole time he’s known me

Well. . It may not be him touching other women, but you are clearly not a priority. . hence - something on the side.

 

Why on earth would you engage is this sick dynamic for so long?

You do know that healthy relationships don't go on about it in way you just described?

[MissCanuck]

We’re 22. Really? See I even said that to him and told him if he has a side chick just let me go but he told he he hasn’t touched another girl for the whole time he’s known me

 

I'm sorry girl, but please tell me you don't buy that. What single, 22-year-old guy who intentionally avoids actually committing to you is going to have sex with only one girl since from the age of 17? Very, very few.

 

Sex with one girl = nice.

 

Sex with more than one girl = better.

 

Why would he let go of that? Of course he won't, if you're still offering it to him with zero expectations.

[SweetGirl28]

We’re 22. Really? See I even said that to him and told him if he has a side chick just let me go but he told he he hasn’t touched another girl for the whole time he’s known me

 

I can't say for certain, however having been in your position, and hearing similar stories many times,

it was always another girl.

 

My recent ex started accusing me daily in our last 1 1/2 months together, after a year of dating,

and sure enough it was he who was guilty.

 

There's something that keeps him going back to you.

Some thrive off the battle and conflict. It's like a heroin addiction to them.

They want to stop, yet can't. I've done it myself.

In the end, you find out you wasted precious years on a man that you can never get back.

 

You deserve so much better than this. You have your entire life ahead of you.

Be strong, don't be his doormat anymore. He commits, or you wiggle your little butt away from him, forever!!

[catfeeder]

You've cut yourself off from learning what a real relationship can be like with someone who values you and is equally invested in you.

 

If this is how you want to spend your youth, you can do that--it's not against the law. We just never get any wasted time back to relive over again, and you're wasting yours with this guy.