In love with a person that I'll probably never have

[Lovelavie]

I am going through a situation in my life that I have no longer any idea of how to handle. I really hope there are no judgements in the responses because I know that I should let it go on and move on and trust me I have tried everything.

 

I am madly in love with a person I probably will never have. I fell in love with him almost a year ago and I have been with other guys in between, even had feelings for some but in almost 2 years being single I have never truly been in love with someone. But with this man, there is no logical explanation or motive. He makes my face burn when I see or even hear about him, when I hear his name I can't help but smile and go on about him.

 

So long story short: he's a music producer that plays at some parties I go to. I consider myself a party person, I go to mostly underground techno parties so you see all kinds of what you can consider "different" people, but it's my world and I love it. The first day I saw him I instantly fell in love. He's not the kind of guy one would say is attractive, if anything, all of my friends actually consider him unnattractive (while I see no flaws in him). He's 14 years older than me and we texted on and off for a really long time until I actually had the courage to come up to him and we ended up hooking up. Thing is, when we hooked up he was already in a relationship. I absolutely despise hooking up with committed guys and this is the first time I've done it. My common sense and rationality disappears when I'm around him.

 

Yesterday I went to a party that he was going to play and when I saw him I said hi and I realized before I came up to him he was trying to avoid me. I then realized it was because his girlfriend was there, because when she wasn't at the parties he would be the one that came up to me. I acted like I didn't care and went on to enjoy the party with my friends.

 

When it was his time to play he kept looking at me the whole time (with his girlfriend on the dance floor too) and I tried to avoid eye contact the most and a guy from my past was there the whole time talking to me. I could've hooked up with him in front of him but I didn't, he only saw him giving me a peck on the lips but that was all I did besides from talking to him.

 

His GF kept looking at me, I could tell she was bothered with me there (a lot of small moments happened that made that clear) My friends saw her talking to a friend and looking at me. Also I felt this weird vibe around her that somehow she knew something.

 

Then at one moment he completely stopped the song and looked at me, at the same time his GF turned around and looked at me af if wanting to see where he was looking at all the time. It was so akward I didn't know where to look. I dididn't get why he as looking at me so much while I was trying to avoid it. Even my friends were like "jeez he won't stop looking at you" and I really didn't know where else to look to try and show him I was ignoring him.

 

I consider myself an attractive person and yesterday so many guys came up to me (more than normally, it was almost as if life was trying to tell me something), also guys from my past came talking to me trying to work things out but I didn't give two s about anyone. I left the club feeling awful. Awful because I realized how in love I am with this guy, how no matter who comes up to me, I can't forget about him. The more I see him, the more I want him. It's completely illogical. I woke up today and went to work with tears in my eyes because in two years being single I didn't really care about anyone, if a guy screws up with me I simply move on, but with him... god

 

Yes I know that he could break up with her, I know that if he wanted something to do with me he would. But truth is, he won't end a solid thing to go after a much younger girl who he's attracted to but probably thinks is too young and has nothing in her head. I know how much of a mess I'm into. I no longer can handle this. I want to be free from this. Even my friends that know me for years tell me they have never seen me like this towards any guy.

 

I almost texted him saying that no matter what I'm crazy about him but I would never ruin things between them (I got the vibe that he thought I would do something at the club before I said hi) but that I just needed to tell him that and that I hope he's happy.

 

I wanted to text him not because I want to confuse him or be disrespectul. I just want to get this out of my chest for once and for all without caring what his response or thought would be. I'm frustrated with myself because I'm usually such a chill person about this, I get sad about guys but I can also easily move on and forget and when it comes to him I feel like a silly teenager all over again

[pippy longstocking]

Reading this and your last one about him it sounds to me like you are just part of the groupie scene , and for him it was a hook up , and he is playing the game on stage , the eye contact and the mystery and all that goes with performing .

 

You are wasting your life on someone who probably has many hook ups behind his g/friends back and there are probably 20 younger women stood in the audience all googly eyed hanging on his every move .

 

It is a shame for you to dedicate so much to this person , live life .

[Lovelavie]

 

It is a shame for you to dedicate so much to this person , live life .

 

It is, and you have no idea how much I blame myself for this I just can't seem to get over him no matter what. He's not the type of guy that hooks up with a lot of girls and if anything they're not very attractive (not saying that this is a problem or anything) but considering the guys that are out there that play or are djs he's far from being the center of attention... When we hooked up I was the one that went after it, but he didn't say no either so we're both to blame. I don't get why I feel this way towards him

 

Also may I add that in this one year that I have been in love with him not once have I seen him look at so much at me like yesterday and the way he looked... I have been in front of him playing for a lot of times to say this (sometimes it would be just me and 10 random people and he still wouldn't look a lot or even at all) which made me even more confused.

[pippy longstocking]

It is, and you have no idea how much I blame myself for this I just can't seem to get over him no matter what. He's not the type of guy that hooks up with a lot of girls and if anything they're not very attractive (not saying that this is a problem or anything) but considering the guys that are out there that play or are djs he's far from being the center of attention... When we hooked up I was the one that went after it, but he didn't say no either so we're both to blame. I don't get why I feel this way towards him

 

AHH love and attraction is a mystery really , we know what we should and shouldn't do deep down , and I have certainly taken many wrong directions in my life .

 

Can you avoid him ? Just to get over this ... go to a different club , if he is playing leave , or don't put yourself in a position were he can be giving you all these signals ...I think myself he likes the attention and it awful for his g/friend to be stood there wondering what the hell is going on and this could end really bad for you . The more distance you can put between you and him the quicker you will get past this .

[Lovelavie]

Love really is a weird thing. I will try to avoid see him playing. Usually there are 2 or more dance sections going on at the same time. It just frustrates me that I have to move on from this without him actually having an idea of what I feel.

[Lovelavie]

Would it be too much of a humiliation to text him? Keeping this to myself is killing me

[willdation]

That must be tough! I was kinda in a similar situation like 3 weeks ago, but the girl was seeing my coworker and I was just not thinking too much about it, and then she comes up to me and asks if she can kiss me....and then later comes up and does the same thing right in front of him....She then wrote me on my work chat and was like - "Sorry for the kiss " ...and I had such strong intense feelings, but knew it was a bit inappropriate ehm....

 

I would say you could always just be like - I know you have a girlfriend and I respect that, I just wanted to get out my feelings that I find you really attractive...I couldnt help it.." ... and then just go from there...

[Lovelavie]

I would say you could always just be like - I know you have a girlfriend and I respect that, I just wanted to get out my feelings that I find you really attractive...I couldnt help it.." ... and then just go from there...

 

Yes I definitely want to send something like that, it's been a year already for christ's sakes!! If anything it's starting to give me bad anxiety

 

 

 

Do you like tech-house? There is a pretty good dj Luke Fair and his older sets from like 2005 are pretty good.... like this --> ]

 

haha awesome!! I'll save it on my list and listen later today

[willdation]

HAHA do it!! Oh, and what is your fav dj/producer or mix? I love listening to new things....I used to go to quite a lot of parties back in the day too and then moved to Europe so not soo much anymore (except 3 weeks ago) ...well...and got invited to go with my coworker and that girl...but I don't see that as a good idea!!

 

I dunno...but I would try something like that what I wrote so at least he knows....just go have fun next time and who knows....you'll probably be on his mind for the next set and if he leaves that girl you will definitely be able to take things where they left off

[firelily]

It sucks to be so infatuated with someone I've been there or even I am there most of the time... You shouldn't feel bad or blame yourself, it's very human to experience strong, unreasonable emotions like this from time to time. But I think you should be kind to yourself and realize you deserve better. As far as the looks go, this guy is lucky to have an admirer like you, from what you write, but I mean more about the dynamics. It's such as amazing feeling to meet someone who is amazing, available and crazy over you and treats you like a princess. When you fall in love mutually and all feels safe. There's no one sided chasing, or one person feeling love, being nice, doing everything just to make it ok and fair for the other person - and the other acting only out of desire, not doing anything genuinely kind, not thinking about putting the other person in the fair position. If he was a good guy, worth keeping, he would be as respectful to you and your girlfriend as you are to them. But he put both his GF and you in a bad position, because he thought only of what he wants. I know you want him to love you, but the way he behaved was not symmetrical.

 

So the only think that ever help me get over hopeless love like this... is holding onto the thought that somewhere out there is someone even more amazing, who makes me feel as intense about him (even if at the moment I think I'll never love anyone as much again), who's sexy, smart, kind, amazing to talk to, and who will genuinely, kindly care about me as much as I do about him. And when I'll be with him, I won't understand why I ever liked that other guy. And then I think that by staying in this sad love, I don't open myself to meeting this other, better match. I hope this helps.

[Giblesp]

There is no love unless its reciprocated. You have to discipline yourself and emotions here. What has he done to actually earn this love from you? Love is a 2 way connection, the love you describe is like putting your hand in fire. Recognize that and discipline yourself to not put your hand in the fire.

 

Like I said, he hasn't earned this level of emotion from you. Your confusing love with something else.

[Hollyj]

I'm curious as to what you love about this guy? How much time have you spent with him? What do you know about him?

[DancingFool]

I'm curious as to what you love about this guy? How much time have you spent with him? What do you know about him?

 

Was thinking exactly the same thing. OP, I hate to say this, but you've built up some kind of a powerful fantasy in your mind about this guy when in fact you don't know him. That's not even love, that's infatuation, which can be very intense and really only way out of that is to stop going to parties he is at until this fantasy fades out of your system.

 

I mean the only thing you know about him without a shadow of the doubt is that he is a cheater and that it takes little for him to go forward with that. Ouch...... Consider that he dumps his gf and gets with you. Do you really think you'll ever get it out of your mind what he'll do behind your back given half a chance? I would guess not. That's fantasy turned nightmare........

[pippy longstocking]

I'm curious as to what you love about this guy? How much time have you spent with him? What do you know about him?

 

It's a really good question to ask yourself ....

 

It is that old adage of * can't have so we want them even more * , the attraction seems to grow the more we can't have them .

 

You said earlier about just messaging him and telling him , well I can't personally support that because of the whole girlfriend situation , but what I wanted to say is this , the way he is with you , I imagine the reply if you did message him , would just be as confusing to you as his actions , neither a yay or nay and it means for you , you have just handed every bit of power over to him and still you will sit wondering .

 

I don't think honestly you would hear what you want to hear anyway , because if he didn't want to be with his girl friend , he wouldn't be .

[Lovelavie]

I actually have no precise idea of why I'm so in love with him. I do know that I'm in love with this uniqueness and the fact that he's gotten more famous over the year but never left behind his humbleness. He's the kind of guy that wears flip flops and old t-shirts to the parties he goes and plays at. He's not a snob and didn't let fame get to him. I also consider him super smart because I've never seem someone do what he does. I think all of this plus the fact that I'm extremely physically attracted to him (and again, none of my friends or acaquaintances actually find him attactive, which makes it even more unreasonable) and his personality and how he's so himself. I have honestly never seen someone that's so unafraid to just be and everyone around adore him.

 

I know it isn't "love", but I sure have never felt this way towards anyone before. Not even the guys I have been the most in love with, it doesn't even get close to the way he makes me feel. God, I'm 24 years old and I act like a teenager when I know he's around. The night we hooked up I couldn't stop smiling and to be honest it felt like the happiest night of my life. It scares me that my feelings gets stronger everytime.

 

I blame myself for this, I don't understand why. Like Giblesp said it's only love if it's reciprocated, he has done "nothing" for me to earn his love, I just simply saw myself falling in love with a guy that has no idea how much I feel towards him. Also I do feel bad that he cheated on her with me. He barely denied it when I came up to him, it was actually "easy" to hook up with him. But then again (not justifying) his GF would never be with him when he played, whereas I was at every single party. But yesterday I felt like he was afraid of me, as if I would tell his GF or something, he was clearly in shock but at the same time, the more I tried to make like I wasn't into him the more he stared. This is all really confusing to me.

 

I'm upset because I can usually move on and forget about guys easily, I can find someone else that's "better" or at least set my mind that it's not worth it but I don't want anyone else, I want him and even on and off with other guys, he's always there. Ugh

[Lovelavie]

You said earlier about just messaging him and telling him , well I can't personally support that because of the whole girlfriend situation , but what I wanted to say is this , the way he is with you , I imagine the reply if you did message him , would just be as confusing to you as his actions , neither a yay or nay and it means for you , you have just handed every bit of power over to him and still you will sit wondering .

 

 

I decided not to text him, I would really hand him all the power and would probably make things worse. If anything, I'll say things personally or just hope someday this goes away. It's been a year already...

[rosephase]

You are infatuated with him because you are a fan of his music. It's actually really really really common. You can see no flaws in him (even when he's showing you flaws like cheating) because you are infatuated. But you don't know him. You don't know if he is unafraid to be himself... because you have no idea who "himself" is. You are making him up in your head. The reason it doesn't feel like any of your other connections is because you are filling in all the blanks.

 

The best way to get the crush feeling to go away is to stop going to his shows and stop trying to be in contact with him. This crush is lasting so long because you are feeding it. You are talking about him, thinking about him, planning on when you can see him next.

[itsallgrand]

I read your other thread and I think you should re read to yourself as though you are on the outside looking in. It has a lot of insight into why you've become fixated on a man who you don't know and who is inappropriate for you.

 

It's distraction from you and your life. If you can make your life better, it'll go away naturally. You are bored and this seems exciting. You aren't a stupid nor naive person, but you are feeding yourself a line of bs about this guy and the situation. It IS the very stereotypical groupie scenario, and you are better than that no?

 

You avoided breaking the spell because you don't want to. You could have easily by having actual conversation with him and his gf. Just saying - that would burst the bubble of how cool he is quick.

[Hollyj]

I actually have no precise idea of why I'm so in love with him. I do know that I'm in love with this uniqueness and the fact that he's gotten more famous over the year but never left behind his humbleness. He's the kind of guy that wears flip flops and old t-shirts to the parties he goes and plays at. He's not a snob and didn't let fame get to him. I also consider him super smart because I've never seem someone do what he does. I think all of this plus the fact that I'm extremely physically attracted to him (and again, none of my friends or acaquaintances actually find him attactive, which makes it even more unreasonable) and his personality and how he's so himself. I have honestly never seen someone that's so unafraid to just be and everyone around adore him.

 

I know it isn't "love", but I sure have never felt this way towards anyone before. Not even the guys I have been the most in love with, it doesn't even get close to the way he makes me feel. God, I'm 24 years old and I act like a teenager when I know he's around. The night we hooked up I couldn't stop smiling and to be honest it felt like the happiest night of my life. It scares me that my feelings gets stronger everytime.

 

I blame myself for this, I don't understand why. Like Giblesp said it's only love if it's reciprocated, he has done "nothing" for me to earn his love, I just simply saw myself falling in love with a guy that has no idea how much I feel towards him. Also I do feel bad that he cheated on her with me. He barely denied it when I came up to him, it was actually "easy" to hook up with him. But then again (not justifying) his GF would never be with him when he played, whereas I was at every single party. But yesterday I felt like he was afraid of me, as if I would tell his GF or something, he was clearly in shock but at the same time, the more I tried to make like I wasn't into him the more he stared. This is all really confusing to me.

 

I'm upset because I can usually move on and forget about guys easily, I can find someone else that's "better" or at least set my mind that it's not worth it but I don't want anyone else, I want him and even on and off with other guys, he's always there. Ugh

 

These are no values or qualities for Someone to be in love. It's how someone treats us, values us and respects us. All you know is that he is successful in what he does, and is a cheat. These are not what makes a boyfriend.

 

Put yourself in her shoes. Be better than this.

[Lovelavie]

I

 

It's distraction from you and your life. If you can make your life better, it'll go away naturally. You are bored and this seems exciting. You aren't a stupid nor naive person, but you are feeding yourself a line of bs about this guy and the situation.

 

You avoided breaking the spell because you don't want to. You could have easily by having actual conversation with him and his gf. Just saying - that would burst the bubble of how cool he is

 

THIS! I love the chase, the excitement to see him at a party, fantasing about us, I do like my life but really he's the cherry on top of it, this whole thing makes it "exciting" but it got to a point where it's no longer fun for me (it was for a long time) now it's just giving me bad anxiety and making me in a bad mood all the time and cutting all other guys from my life because I don't care about anyone or desire anyone anymore. I have full consciousness that it isn't healthy but it's like I'm still waiting for something that might never happen to happen.

 

You avoided breaking the spell because you don't want to. You could have easily by having actual conversation with him and his gf. Just saying - that would burst the bubble of how cool he is quick.

 

wow, that really got to me. It's actually very true. I also keep making excuses to accept

all this, and his behavior. I also see him liking pictures of other younger girls all the time, he's no saint but the fact that he's so mysterious is what got to me. It's like I want to see more of who he is.

 

What upsets me is that I just have to move on without him truly knowing what I felt, having to suppress all of this and just let it go. And also the fact that I think he's kind of bored about me. Ever since we hooked up he never liked any of my pictures but he likes other girls' pictures, also the fact that he was clearly trying to avoid saying hi to me at the club upset me like I'm some kind of threat to him that would ruin his life when in truth I would never do something like that to hurt him. And the fact that he kept looking at me the whole time which was something he'd never done made me so confused...

 

 

If anything, I feel better reading all this advice, I really do see myself as a good person with a lot of qualities that don't deserve to be wasted on someone who couldn't care less about me when all I tried to do was show him that I was into him and he never really truly gave me a chance...

[Hollyj]

THIS! I love the chase, the excitement to see him at a party, fantasing about us, I do like my life but really he's the cherry on top of it, this whole thing makes it "exciting" but it got to a point where it's no longer fun for me (it was for a long time) now it's just giving me bad anxiety and making me in a bad mood all the time and cutting all other guys from my life because I don't care about anyone or desire anyone anymore. I have full consciousness that it isn't healthy but it's like I'm still waiting for something that might never happen to happen.

 

 

 

wow, that really got to me. It's actually very true. I also keep making excuses to accept

all this, and his behavior. I also see him liking pictures of other younger girls all the time, he's no saint but the fact that he's so mysterious is what got to me. It's like I want to see more of who he is.

 

What upsets me is that I just have to move on without him truly knowing what I felt, having to suppress all of this and just let it go. And also the fact that I think he's kind of bored about me. Ever since we hooked up he never liked any of my pictures but he likes other girls' pictures, also the fact that he was clearly trying to avoid saying hi to me at the club upset me like I'm some kind of threat to him that would ruin his life when in truth I would never do something like that to hurt him. And the fact that he kept looking at me the whole time which was something he'd never done made me so confused...

 

 

If anything, I feel better reading all this advice, I really do see myself as a good person with a lot of qualities that don't deserve to be wasted on someone who couldn't care less about me when all I tried to do was show him that I was into him and he never really truly gave me a chance...

 

This is because he has a girlfriend.

 

Expect more for yourself, and also think about how your actions impact others lives (girlfriend). How would you feel if the same were happening to you? Do better.

 

This guy is a player, who likes the attention and sex on the side. That's it. You are glamorizing something that is nothing more than meaningless sex.

[catfeeder]

Thing is, when we hooked up he was already in a relationship.

 

Your crush cheats. Grasp that, and you can liberate yourself. It means that even if you 'win,' you lose, because you'd enjoy your victory for about 5 minutes before it occurs to you that being this guy's GF only means becoming the person he cheats on.

 

Disloyalty has always been a crush killer for me. Once someone demo's that they own the capacity to be disloyal to someone who trusts them, my bubble is burst and it's all over for me.

 

I'd focus instead on going to places where the guy is NOT, and I'd continue reminding myself of the guy's poor GF and how lucky I am to have dodged that bullet. I'd surprise everyone, including myself, with my resilience and ability to shut this user down and bounce back from this--far away from him.

 

Move your focus toward building a life that's fulfilling enough to avoid living through a fantasy world in your head. No real life can compare to fantasy, and so it dooms you to lack in comparison. It deprives you of ability to find the beauty and grace in the mundane. If you can retrain your mind to set goals and to start appreciating the small joys of living, then you won't fall prey to the torture chamber of glamorizing fantasies you invent 'about' people. Those are called fixations--but they don't 'fix,' anything, they only prevent you from thriving in the real world. This is your opportunity to master control and overcome that.

 

Head high.