paintedfish Posted November 1, 2017 Share Posted November 1, 2017 Hey everyone, this is a long one, So, I used to post on here all the time when things were really bad for me, and if you look through my thread history I probably seem like a lunatic. But I'm in a super bad spot right now, and I need advice. My husband and I have been married for 2 years, together for 4, and were very close friends for years before that. In the beginning of our relationship, he helped me overcome a lot of sexual... hangups I had. He helped me start over. We didn't sleep together right away, and he spent a lot of time helping me figure out who I was in that area again. He was patient and loving and wonderful. We moved in together after being together for 3 months. I feel I have always had a lower sex drive, but I have been in at least one relationship where it was amazing for the first year. My ex got depressed and although I tried to help him, our sex life ground to a halt. In my first relationship, I was verbally abused for not having sex with him enough (this was about 10 years ago though!). But soon after my husband and I moved in together, he felt we were not having sex enough. He said he'd be happy with once a week, and I was happy with once every 2-3 weeks. We had great communication even though our first year was very rough for both of us, emotionally. But in this area there was no compromise. Flash forward to now and it's nonexistent as of maybe two months ago. As for my sexual and relationship past, I've had it a little rough. My first time was non-consensual, legally and otherwise. I've been molested, stalked and harassed, shamed, verbally and emotionally abused, etc etc in the past. I have gotten treatment for PTSD, and it has helped immensely. I am also on a mood stabilizer as of 3 years ago and it has also helped me be level. My sex drive has never been high enough for him. It has caused fights since 3 months in. I don't actually understand why sex is so important; I don't see it as a need, but a want. He disagrees, obviously, and maybe rightly so. I have tried many different things to make me more comfortable and interested. We've tried to be very open, we've tried touching without sex (in general I find being groped randomly very annoying and uncomfortable), trying some of my fantasies, even looked into lady viagra (so expensive!), etc. He is not someone with any kind of... tastes. His biggest kink is lingerie and that isn't a kink, its sort of a preference. A very common one. I need sex to engage my mind. I've always liked games such as dominance roles (not intense like BDSM, just more of a control thing, where sometimes I'm in control and sometimes my partner is). I liked to be teased. He doesn't understand that, so he will try just to make me happy, but I know he's not into it. So, in a way neither of our needs are being met. He says the reason that he isn't doing what I like is that by the time we have sex (2-4 weeks) that he's so frustrated that it's hard to have the patience for anything else, and I feel awful about it. My main problem is this: in these fights, I can't tell if he's being verbally abusive or his frustration is warranted. He has his own problems, and needing sex to feel close is one of them. The other is that he can't really express his emotions unless he is drunk. When that happens, he shames me, tells me I'm wrong, screams at me, tells me I don't love him enough, tells me I'm the cause of his problems and I just add to it with all the ways I am, that he's "sexually depressed" because of me. I ruined our honeymoon by not having sex with him. And any other special occasion. I tried for a few months to make sure it was every two weeks, and when I tried to defend myself with that, he said that it wasn't different than before so it didn't matter. Other times when he drinks, he gets just angry at everything. He's 30 and he still gets black out drunk. I've been in the middle of the street with him at 4 AM in my pajamas in the downtown area while he screams at me and tells me to stop crying because it's manipulative while I beg him to get in the car. He's screamed at me until his voice gave out in front of our house in the middle of the night, kicked his car so hard he messed up his foot, and shoved me when I tried to get him to stop hitting his car window. He had just gotten a vasectomy to prevent me from going through something I went through last year that was very damaging. He went to stay at a friends house the other night too. I can't defend myself in these fights (or even when he's sober) because he gets defensive and screams at me. He's tried to stop drinking, many times. He's just started a medication that makes him not want to drink. He finally heard me when I told him I don't trust him, I am scared of him when he's drunk and starting to be scared to say anything about myself when he's sober so I don't add to his stress and cause another episode. He finally saw a therapist a month or so ago. He said she helped him see what damage he was causing, and that from now on he will be sensitive to my needs, will stop shaming me, and just listen. I told him my trust in him in this area was so eroded, that this was his last chance. I started to feel hopeful, and I told him that. We were getting close again, and I actually initiated sex happily one night and it was great,except neither of us finished as he had just... taken care of himself shortly before I got home. Which is no big deal. Then, two weeks ago, we went on a minivacation for our anniversary. He swore to me on the way down that nothing bad was going to happen, and then that night we fought so bad he said I had 6 months to a year to figure it out or he was done. Then he told me he wished I would just be pretty and have sex with him (he wasn't calling me ugly). The next day, as always, he was apologetic, said he didn't mean it, was so sorry, etc etc. I meant what I said about one more time and my trust is gone. He told me on the way to our hotel two weeks ago he wouldn't be mad, and I guess I was drunk and having fun and I brought it up and it set him off. I was so close to giving up before he said I could trust him, and I made that clear now. We aren't close right now, when he's always my best friend. I just don't know how I let it get this way, and what I can do to fix it. I don't give up on people if I think there's a chance, and I know that it's hard for me to see what I'm doing to him when I feel like he's doing so much to me. I know his behavior when drunk isn't acceptable, but is it understandable? Do most men need sex that badly, and if so, am I ruining his life by not doing it? I need to trust someone to sleep with them and I don't trust him because he's told me so many times what he thinks of me in this regard. All these episodes hurt me a lot, and they make me respect him less. I know that I've driven him to this point, but I don't ever want to make myself have sex without wanting to ever again. I've done that in other relationships and situations. But I don't see any other way. We've been to my therapist multiple times together and nothing seems to help. Is anyone in the wrong here? I don't know what to do. I'm still so hurt and mad about the most recent time I don't even enjoy being around him even thought he's made an effort to be in a good mood. Anyway, thanks for reading, and any advice is greatly appreciated, and I am more than happy to answer any clarifying questions. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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