Relationship/sex problems? Which one of us is the problem?

[paintedfish]

Hey everyone, this is a long one,

 

 

 

So, I used to post on here all the time when things were really bad for me, and if you look through my thread history I probably seem like a lunatic. But I'm in a super bad spot right now, and I need advice.

 

 

My husband and I have been married for 2 years, together for 4, and were very close friends for years before that. In the beginning of our relationship, he helped me overcome a lot of sexual... hangups I had. He helped me start over. We didn't sleep together right away, and he spent a lot of time helping me figure out who I was in that area again. He was patient and loving and wonderful. We moved in together after being together for 3 months.

 

 

I feel I have always had a lower sex drive, but I have been in at least one relationship where it was amazing for the first year. My ex got depressed and although I tried to help him, our sex life ground to a halt. In my first relationship, I was verbally abused for not having sex with him enough (this was about 10 years ago though!). But soon after my husband and I moved in together, he felt we were not having sex enough. He said he'd be happy with once a week, and I was happy with once every 2-3 weeks. We had great communication even though our first year was very rough for both of us, emotionally. But in this area there was no compromise. Flash forward to now and it's nonexistent as of maybe two months ago.

 

 

As for my sexual and relationship past, I've had it a little rough. My first time was non-consensual, legally and otherwise. I've been molested, stalked and harassed, shamed, verbally and emotionally abused, etc etc in the past. I have gotten treatment for PTSD, and it has helped immensely. I am also on a mood stabilizer as of 3 years ago and it has also helped me be level.

 

 

My sex drive has never been high enough for him. It has caused fights since 3 months in. I don't actually understand why sex is so important; I don't see it as a need, but a want. He disagrees, obviously, and maybe rightly so. I have tried many different things to make me more comfortable and interested. We've tried to be very open, we've tried touching without sex (in general I find being groped randomly very annoying and uncomfortable), trying some of my fantasies, even looked into lady viagra (so expensive!), etc. He is not someone with any kind of... tastes. His biggest kink is lingerie and that isn't a kink, its sort of a preference. A very common one. I need sex to engage my mind. I've always liked games such as dominance roles (not intense like BDSM, just more of a control thing, where sometimes I'm in control and sometimes my partner is). I liked to be teased. He doesn't understand that, so he will try just to make me happy, but I know he's not into it. So, in a way neither of our needs are being met. He says the reason that he isn't doing what I like is that by the time we have sex (2-4 weeks) that he's so frustrated that it's hard to have the patience for anything else, and I feel awful about it.

 

 

My main problem is this: in these fights, I can't tell if he's being verbally abusive or his frustration is warranted. He has his own problems, and needing sex to feel close is one of them. The other is that he can't really express his emotions unless he is drunk. When that happens, he shames me, tells me I'm wrong, screams at me, tells me I don't love him enough, tells me I'm the cause of his problems and I just add to it with all the ways I am, that he's "sexually depressed" because of me. I ruined our honeymoon by not having sex with him. And any other special occasion. I tried for a few months to make sure it was every two weeks, and when I tried to defend myself with that, he said that it wasn't different than before so it didn't matter. Other times when he drinks, he gets just angry at everything. He's 30 and he still gets black out drunk. I've been in the middle of the street with him at 4 AM in my pajamas in the downtown area while he screams at me and tells me to stop crying because it's manipulative while I beg him to get in the car. He's screamed at me until his voice gave out in front of our house in the middle of the night, kicked his car so hard he messed up his foot, and shoved me when I tried to get him to stop hitting his car window. He had just gotten a vasectomy to prevent me from going through something I went through last year that was very damaging. He went to stay at a friends house the other night too. I can't defend myself in these fights (or even when he's sober) because he gets defensive and screams at me. He's tried to stop drinking, many times. He's just started a medication that makes him not want to drink. He finally heard me when I told him I don't trust him, I am scared of him when he's drunk and starting to be scared to say anything about myself when he's sober so I don't add to his stress and cause another episode. He finally saw a therapist a month or so ago. He said she helped him see what damage he was causing, and that from now on he will be sensitive to my needs, will stop shaming me, and just listen. I told him my trust in him in this area was so eroded, that this was his last chance. I started to feel hopeful, and I told him that. We were getting close again, and I actually initiated sex happily one night and it was great,except neither of us finished as he had just... taken care of himself shortly before I got home. Which is no big deal. Then, two weeks ago, we went on a minivacation for our anniversary. He swore to me on the way down that nothing bad was going to happen, and then that night we fought so bad he said I had 6 months to a year to figure it out or he was done. Then he told me he wished I would just be pretty and have sex with him (he wasn't calling me ugly). The next day, as always, he was apologetic, said he didn't mean it, was so sorry, etc etc.

 

 

I meant what I said about one more time and my trust is gone. He told me on the way to our hotel two weeks ago he wouldn't be mad, and I guess I was drunk and having fun and I brought it up and it set him off. I was so close to giving up before he said I could trust him, and I made that clear now. We aren't close right now, when he's always my best friend. I just don't know how I let it get this way, and what I can do to fix it. I don't give up on people if I think there's a chance, and I know that it's hard for me to see what I'm doing to him when I feel like he's doing so much to me.

 

 

 

I know his behavior when drunk isn't acceptable, but is it understandable? Do most men need sex that badly, and if so, am I ruining his life by not doing it? I need to trust someone to sleep with them and I don't trust him because he's told me so many times what he thinks of me in this regard. All these episodes hurt me a lot, and they make me respect him less. I know that I've driven him to this point, but I don't ever want to make myself have sex without wanting to ever again. I've done that in other relationships and situations. But I don't see any other way. We've been to my therapist multiple times together and nothing seems to help. Is anyone in the wrong here? I don't know what to do. I'm still so hurt and mad about the most recent time I don't even enjoy being around him even thought he's made an effort to be in a good mood.

 

 

 

Anyway, thanks for reading, and any advice is greatly appreciated, and I am more than happy to answer any clarifying questions.

[Starlight925]

I know his behavior when drunk isn't acceptable, but is it understandable?

 

No, paintedfish, this behavior is neither acceptable nor understandable.

 

This is not about sex. This is about alcoholism and abuse.

 

He may be so sweet and wonderful in between these horrendous drinking episodes, but even one of these episodes is one too much.

 

Please seek therapy for yourself, possibly alAnon.

 

I have to be honest, this scares me for you. Please seek some help, ok?

[ThatwasThen]

I'm not sure how long this relationship can last. The two of you are so incompatible that its surprizing that you've lasted as long as you have. I suspect that he will soon either leave or he will stay and have an affair or some other infidelity.

 

I can understand why you'd not want to have sex with someone you so clearly do not have an emotional connection to but I don't understand why you'd stick around while he verbally abuses the heck out of you. I also understand why he's angry but I don't understand (other then the obvious codependency that you both suffer in) why he would stay with you either when his wants aren't being met.

 

The only advice I can give the two of you is to seek out marriage counselling if you're going to keep trying to fit a round peg into a this square hole.

 

Was he verbally abusive when he was getting it regularly or did this ugly just rear it's head when your libido petered out?

 

he helped me overcome a lot of sexual... hangups I had.

Well, I don't think he helped you as much as he (or you) would like to think he did. Have you addressed your hangups with your therapist? You had a similar problem with your first partner after all.

In my first relationship, I was verbally abused for not having sex with him enough

 

Your current partner should get his own therapy to help him with his anger and his drinking if its this out of control and to work on his codependency. You leave someone who isn't fulfilling your needs (wants) you don't stay and try and control the situation through abuse.

[paintedfish]

LHGirl: I, he, and we have gotten therapy. My therapist has said there are red flags, but hasn't told me to leave, my best friend knows and doesn't seem too concerned, even though he feels badly for me. I don't want to just give up. We love each other, and I know that I can be hard to handle with the low sex drive, my breakthrough depression, and how involved I get in my own life. Do you think with help it can go away? If he takes this medication and stops drinking? I am very familiar with addiction, I've been surrounded by addicts a lot of my life. But never in this way. I understand if you can't answer that, and thank you for your concern, that's very sweet!

 

 

ThatwasThen: Are you really incompatible if it's just with sex? We have so much fun together, and it's hard for me to say now that we're great because I'm so mad, but I appreciate this outside perspective. Is it really that bad? I can understand the codependency thing. I don't think it's to that point. I'm not trying to fix him and getting mad when it doesn't work, he is trying to fix himself and I'm trying to be there for him. This "reared its head" is a good way to put it. It's complicated. It's hard to tell now, but this has always been our main fight. We fight about his drinking and my lack of sex drive. We don't even fight that often. It's just very bad when we do. I have been seeing the same therapist for about 6 years now, off and on when needed. He was going to a therapist he liked and I need to make sure he goes back. He deserves to be happy. Thank you so much for your reply, it was insightful and helpful.

[Krankor]

OK, so here's your side in this; you can and should make more of an effort to be sexually accomodating. Sex really is more of a need than a want for men. Literally, it's unhealthy to go too long without on a urological level. And psychologically it's hard to constantly feel rejected and pushed away in the bedroom. Not even having sex on your honeymoon is pretty ridiculous. This issue is going to keep causing you problems in your relationship(s).

 

But what he's been doing is unacceptable, period. Nobody should have to put up with that sort of treatment. If he agrees to get help for his alcohol abuse like TODAY it may be worth it to stay and try to work things out. Otherwise time to pack your bags.

[paintedfish]

Krankor:

 

I am very happy to get a man's side to this. I believe it's a need. I can't truly understand it but I believe it. I've tried to work on it, even giving other... services??? when I didn't want to have sex. But he said that it was just frustrating. Which I get, too! How does someone make themselves more sexually accommodating? How do you make yourself want it? I was so tired on our honeymoon, and then just excited to be out in new countries. I know I ruined what should have been our time with my selfishness. I've tried just doing it when I don't feel in the mood, and I do get into it eventually sometimes. But I generally can't bring myself to do that often enough. He takes care of himself every day so I'm not worried about the health side of it. You're dead on with the psychological impact though. It's in line with everything he's said. I'm so resentful now that it's hard for me to want to, but if there were a way, I could try to get over it and start to fix it. Like I said around page 300 of my post, he's taking a drug now that keeps him from wanting to drink. Its had a very good success rate with others. I appreciate your honesty.

[ThatwasThen]

You're welcome. A few more thoughts...

 

Does your therapist know about the differences in yours and your hubby's libidos?

If he does know, What does he say about that? If he doesn't know, why doesn't he? I is a big point of contention in your marriage.

Does your hubby expect you to have sex with him when he's drunk and at his most unattractive?

 

I will tell you that he is more likely to get help for his drinking if he doesn't have anyone enabling him to be able to. Go to al-anon or read everything you can on codependency because you (as well) are displaying many symptoms. Fighting about his drinking IS trying to control (fix him) while failing at it and getting "mad when it doesn't work." You say you have had addicts around you for most of your life so it's understandable that you've ended up with someone with an addiction.

[Starlight925]

I agree with Krankor re: the man's need for sex vs. simply being a desire. There is a neurosurgeon I follow who says that men need to have at least 200-250 orgasms a year for optimal health. No, this doesn't have to be through physical contact, but sperm builds up, and there is simply a release that needs to be occur.

 

That being said, he is abusive to you, and he treats you like dirt regarding your sexual desires, i.e. being teased. You have clearly told him that this will help you get in the mood, yet he phones that part in. So how are you supposed to feel sexy and desired? I know I wouldn't.

[paintedfish]

ThatwasThen:

 

She does know. She is very focused on my past problems, which isn't really what I need and I tell her that sometimes. When we've gone in together, she acts as a mediator so he's not so defensive and it helped for a bit and then... kind of forgotten about. No, I've mad it very clear that after a few drinks I won't even consider it.

 

I don't think I'm enabling him, I am patient and supportive when he tries to quit, and I don't get mad at him for drinking again. I get mad when he gets drunk and yells at me. He isn't an addict so much as a substance abuser if that makes sense. He doesn't take shots in the AM or get the shakes, he just can't be expected to be moderate or stable when he does. I am very familiar with the concept of codependency, as I went through it, my whole family did, with another family member. I research it like hell and I have shaken it even if the rest of my family withers. Also, just throwing this out there, AA and NA have extremely low success rates. I think it's something like 5%-10% success rate. Less so for NA I think. NOT that I'm judging the advice, its just something most people don't know.

[paintedfish]

LHGirl:

 

Does it count if its by himself? Like I said he takes care of himself pretty much every day. Its the human contact/acceptance/emotional connect factors that are missing. But I don't feel like he's that connected when he's with me, even though he swears he is.

[ThatwasThen]

ThatwasThen:

 

She does know. She is very focused on my past problems, which isn't really what I need and I tell her that sometimes. When we've gone in together, she acts as a mediator so he's not so defensive and it helped for a bit and then... kind of forgotten about. No, I've mad it very clear that after a few drinks I won't even consider it.

 

I don't think I'm enabling him, I am patient and supportive when he tries to quit, and I don't get mad at him for drinking again. I get mad when he gets drunk and yells at me. He isn't an addict so much as a substance abuser if that makes sense. He doesn't take shots in the AM or get the shakes, he just can't be expected to be moderate or stable when he does. I am very familiar with the concept of codependency, as I went through it, my whole family did, with another family member. I research it like hell and I have shaken it even if the rest of my family withers. Also, just throwing this out there, AA and NA have extremely low success rates. I think it's something like 5%-10% success rate. Less so for NA I think. NOT that I'm judging the advice, its just something most people don't know.

Can you show me where you got those stats? I'd like to read the study. In the meantime I will say that he has a hell of a lot better odds of quitting and staying off the stuff if he has the support of fellow addicts (yes he is addicted if he gets the shakes and has to have a shot to get through that [and you are in denial big time])and someone/something (not you) keeping him in check then he ever will by taking a pill that he will just stop taking when he gets the shakes. He needs a stint in rehab after he has supervised detox. You probably, at this point, be with a therapist that is proficient on the ins and outs of codependency and addiction. (and yes, as long as you are there and accepting his drinking (arguing about it doesn't count as not accepting it) you are indeed enabling him. The man will never hit his rock bottom when he has someone that is staying with him and accepting his crappy ways.

[Starlight925]

LHGirl:

 

Does it count if its by himself? Like I said he takes care of himself pretty much every day. Its the human contact/acceptance/emotional connect factors that are missing. But I don't feel like he's that connected when he's with me, even though he swears he is.

 

So, I think a man is better suited to answer this question.

 

That being said, from my personal experience: a man will take care of himself when other options aren't present. But men, just like women, simply prefer to have human contact. It's just....nature.

 

Men are welcome to jump in and let me know if this is a true assessment or not.

[paintedfish]

ThatwasThen:

 

Noo I'm saying he DOESN'T get the shakes or need shots in the AM.

 

As far as the success rates, I don't remember if I can post links here but you can google "The Surprising Failures of 12 Steps", "What Is the Success Rate of AA" on the American Addictions Disorders site (.org) or just success rates in general. Those are just the first few I've found. I've taken classes regarding drug behavior and addiction (neuropsych grad student here) and have a sibling suffering from addiction, who hated NA, so I researched it further. He's had much better success with one-on-one therapy with someone whose focus is not addiction but the underlying problems and complications.

 

I don't argue with him when he drinks. I get mad the next day when he's mean. Sorry, this wasn't intended to be a post about addiction or I would have put it there.

[paintedfish]

LHGirl:

 

 

You're right, I would definitely like some more male perspective. And we all need human contact for sure. I can't imagine what its like to go weeks without sex and have it be this awful. It is good to hear that he's not being unreasonable in that. I just want to understand. And know if I can fix it. Or if I'm just going to keep hurting him.

[ThatwasThen]

ThatwasThen:

 

Noo I'm saying he DOESN'T get the shakes or need shots in the AM.

 

As far as the success rates, I don't remember if I can post links here but you can google "The Surprising Failures of 12 Steps", "What Is the Success Rate of AA" on the American Addictions Disorders site (.org) or just success rates in general. Those are just the first few I've found. I've taken classes regarding drug behavior and addiction (neuropsych grad student here) and have a sibling suffering from addiction, who hated NA, so I researched it further. He's had much better success with one-on-one therapy with someone whose focus is not addiction but the underlying problems and complications.

 

I don't argue with him when he drinks. I get mad the next day when he's mean. Sorry, this wasn't intended to be a post about addiction or I would have put it there.

My bad... I read it the wrong way. But as you know, he doesn't need to be having the shakes or even have to have an a.m. drink to have an addiction. If he needs to take pill to help him stop then you know there is an issue. I will google and read about the stats.

 

I also know someone who didn't find NA helpful at all (far too religious based~much more then AA) but I've never heard anyone say that AA was unsuccessful for those that actually wanted to stop abusing alcohol.

 

If personal therapy works better for your husband then by al means (if he'll go) The main thing is that he's not trying to do it without the professional help and guidance.

 

Bottom line: He needs to stop abusing alcohol and you need to improve on your libido. Perhaps one will follow the other?

[cherubrock]

Why do you say that you guys have fun together and all you post seems to indicate the opposite?

 

You guys seem trauma-bonded. I can relate to your issue of doing sexual stuff when I didn't really want to because the guy wanted to. If you want to read this is my post about it :

 

Your guy's relationship to sex and alcohol I believe goes hand in hand. You won't ever be more in the mood if all he sees about you is you don't want sex enough, but since it's such a pressing "need" for him then I don't see how he can behave and see you differently. If he has that need why can't you also have the need to have a more healthy emotional connection to him? As an earlier poster stated, supposedly men can "get sick" if he doesn't have this amount of orgasms..well let me just say...I think YOU will get sick if you keep up doing this dynamic and feeling like **** cause you don't want to have sex.

[Pleasedonot5]

The question isn't: do most men need sex this badly? It's .. are you guys sexually compatible? The answer is a resounding no -- at least at the current moment.

 

He wants once a week, which in my opinion is a very low amount for a newly married couple.

 

His screaming episodes are unnatural (so you're not wrong there, I'm sorry he's putting you through that), but I'm trying to put myself in his shoes. Perhaps he realizes he is trapped in marriage now with someone who won't treat him like the man he is and who isn't attracted to him.

 

What's your first thought when I ask: are you sexually attracted to him? Do you respect him? Gut reaction.

 

If no, you're pretending and it's making him confused, emasculated, and frustrated. I can't imagine having to spend the rest of my life with someone with very low sexual attraction for me.

 

I think you should see couple's counseling on this issue specifically... or call it off.

[thealchemist]

Guy's viewpoint.

 

First of all I know plenty of woman who are like me when it cones to sex. Sex is not a want in a relationship but an absolute 100% need. It is essentially a subset of my love language and if I wasn't able to have enough with my spouse I will go crazy.

 

I cannot explain to you how important and a need it is. You are trying to understand that is why you are hear, but it obviously isn't a priority to you. It is another aspect of my relationship that I consider a must, no different than communication or trust.

 

Masturbation helps calm down the physical desire for sex but does nothing for the emotional side, which is a huge part for me too. I like sex a lot because of the closeness to my wife. It is like a junkie taking methadone. Helps but NOT a long term replacement.

 

Sexual incompatibility is a very common reason to break up. You guys are very incompatible sexually too.

 

I will say though that his abuse and alcoholism are not excusable for lack of sex. He also sounds a bit selfish in the sex department, especially if you say what you think you would like and it doesn't get incorporated into your sex life.

 

When my wife and I had to bridge our libido differences I worked my @ss off to find ways to get her into it. For a long time, and a lot of effort. Her libido increase dramatically in the last 5 years or so. We have sex about every other day now.

 

It sounds like you have a lot more issues that just sex though. A lot in fact.

[paintedfish]

Ahh, thank you all so much. This has all been very hard to read. Especially since I think a lot of it has been in the back of my head. But it was all insightful, thank you.

 

 

Cherubrock: I read your posts, and yes I have been there! In a bit of a different way than you, which I think is expected. But the mind/body disconnection has been there before. Thank you for sharing your experiences. I have tried very hard to avoid that with this relationship. I don't know what you mean by trauma-bonded if you'd be willing to give clarification? Your last statement hit me hard, as well. It is big, awful circle: he wants sex, I don't, that makes him feel bad, I feel bad, I don't want sex... etc. I do feel that I need a stronger emotional connection with him and this fight has slowly eroded it. I do feel sick. I am sure he does, too.

 

 

Pleasedonot5: I think your response was the hardest to read. I know what he asks is not that much, you're very right. I feel horrible about it. I know people who have broken up because one person wanted it several times a day and they couldn't keep up. What he needs should be doable. Regarding our compatibility, it was hard to tell at first. Like I said, we started with trying to build me back up after being so afraid of sex I'd have panic attacks during. Everything got to (relatively) normal pretty quick, but the frequency was low because it helped me feel in control (maybe??). And it did not take long for that to upset him. I think that time spent working with me masked the actual discrepancies between us in that area. I mentioned that I have had a very healthy sexual relationship before, and that side of it dwindled when he became someone different due to depression he refused to work on. So yeah, your questions are good to ask. Am I sexually attracted to him? Gut reaction?? Not really, anymore. I feel that I've tried and so has he, but all this fighting has just soured me on it. But maybe we started with an emotional attraction and the sexual followed, and petered out. Do I respect him? I think so. Kind of. I respect him in an abstract way now. He does deserve someone who can answer those questions with a big "YES" immediately. He has said he's resigned himself to a life of sexual depression so he can be with me. Have I broken his spirit? Thank you so much for your concise, helpful response. Those are very good questions that I have been afraid to ask myself.

 

 

 

thealchemist: You're right. And it is good to hear a man say this. I do not understand it being a need, and I want to so badly. How will I ever make anyone happy?? Are you saying that his abuse and alcoholism are not an excuse for not having sex? I'm unsure of your wording, but I think that's what you're saying. I definitely understand that it gets him frustrated to that point, and that he needs to be drunk to let it out, that's part of why I can't defend myself in these arguments; I'm not right, he is. He's not selfish per se, it's just that... I guess as everyone has said, we're incompatible. He doesn't understand what I want, and when I tell him he sort of tries, to the best of his ability, but when it doesn't work consistently (first time but not the next), he drops it. And he says that sex is a very important part of emotional connection, but he is not emotionally connected during sex. He is detached. My best example is when we were having sex, he was about to finish, and I'm all a hot sweaty mess, and he just goes 'ahh, there it is" and finishes. He can have a normal conversation during sex, I've tried to help him be comfortable making sounds like sighs and stuff, he can't. He says he needs it and I believe him its just so hard to see that he feels close, it feels more like he needs sex for validation.

 

How big was the disparity between you and your wife, if I may ask? What were her hangups? I know that is her/your business, and obviously don't answer if you're not comfortable. But I am so, so afraid I will never make anyone happy, that I'm a freak who can't be fixed, and I'm doomed to sexually depress every man I try to be with.

 

 

I used to be a sexual person, at least more than I am now. I rarely masturbate, I never think about sex, I have tried to fantasize about being with him, being with some abstract stranger, and even, once, tried to pick someone I knew I thought was attractive. I felt nothing for all of them. It wasn't always this way. I'm so scared this has ruined my fragile relationship with sex. And made his life worse, too. Damaged him mentally.

 

 

Again I sincerely thank you all for taking the time to respond like this. I'm drowning, I'm so miserable and stressed and alone and scared, and it means so much to me that strangers are willing to help to this level. Thinking about ending a relationship where every aspect is shared, with someone I love so much, who is almost always so sweet to me, it's hard. It's like there's a wall in my head that won't let me think about it. But this has helped. You all are wonderful.

[reinventmyself]

I've always liked games such as dominance roles (not intense like BDSM, just more of a control thing, where sometimes I'm in control and sometimes my partner is). I liked to be teased. He doesn't understand that, so he will try just to make me happy, but I know he's not into it.

 

It's kind of a double standard here that you share with him your sexual desires (that would ultimately benefit him) and it gets somewhat dismissed because `he's not into it'?

 

Yet you don't feel sexual towards someone who drinks heavily and berates you? Yah, I might not be into that either.

 

Imagine your man stops drinking, refrains from degrading you and wants to please you in a way that turns you on?

Do you think the two of you would be having more sex??

[paintedfish]

reinventmyself: What is the double standard? He's tried, but these things aren't fun or actually possible if the other person isn't into it. He's not passionate enough for it, I think. He doesn't enjoy it in turn, and doesn't get it. I think that's part of the incompatibility we've both tried to fix.

 

And yeah, I can't tell if I'm being selfish, but I literally have no idea how to meet someone in the middle, or compromise when I can't make myself want to have sex, when that's what everyone says??? We've also had bad sexual experiences when he's been drunk, and I didn't know he was.

 

He has stopped drinking, he's taking a medication for it and everything. He has stopped getting mad at me, except for our anniversary, and he's tried, as best he can I think? to try to please me. Our sex is good when we have it, if not a little boring for me mentally. Had all this stuff happened earlier, maybe, I think so. I just feel it's too late... but is that selfish too? Is it wrong to want to give up when he's trying now?

 

Thank you for your response.

[thealchemist]

Well to clarify ...

 

I was saying his alcohol and emotional abuse could very likely be because of sexual frustration. That however does not excuse it at all. It is an unhealthy way to cope. That is all I ment.

 

Well I have no problem being very honest about my sex life.

 

I could have sex multiple times a day if given the opportunity. My wife was more of a once a week person. I spent a long long time studying and working with her to fix this. It was honestly the only issue we have ever had in our relationship that might have caused a big problem.

 

Now we have 2 children and manage to have sex 3 to 6 times a week. I dont really know what advice to give. I am open to anything but don't have much preferance myself on things. I also did a lot of research and talked a lot about her needs and desires. I also, well, I got very skilled too. Now we are very on par with each other.

 

I work to make it good though. It is very important to me. If I need to watch our kids and do all the chores at our house so she can rest a bit I will.

 

When we first got together my wife didn't think she could orgasm. Now she will several times nearly every time. It just took a lot of desire on both of our parts.

[cherubrock]

"And he says that sex is a very important part of emotional connection, but he is not emotionally connected during sex. He is detached."

 

This sentence stood out to me, I can relate to it. I feel like you don't give yourself enough self-love and value and you are just basing yourself on what this seemingly sexually frustrated alcoholic (no offense intended) thinks about you. I hate to say this but I think only some unrealistic fantasy woman would ever "satisfy" this guy, and maybe not even!

This sounds like a never-ending downward cycle. You don't feel sexy because you are constantly made to feel defective and less-than in this relationship. I don't mean to sound so harsh but I can really relate to what you're going thru. I think you need to break up or at least have a break. You need to re-coop who YOU are without this guy's opinion.

[paintedfish]

thealchemist: Okay thank you for the clarification, sorry for the misunderstanding! That's one of the things that gets me, is that he doesn't have any preferences of his own. Maybe it's a different strokes/different folks type thing. Or like most people have said, we might just be incompatible. Would you say you and your wife were and then worked it out, or were compatible and then worked on it to get the frequency and quality up?

 

 

cherubrock: Well, he's had the "unrealistic fantasy women" before. A lot of his prior relationships were with women who wanted it more than he did (every day, if not more for one or two of them). He said it made it less special, and he's glad I'm not like that. And that's when he said once a week/every nine days. Now that he is on this pill (campral) for drinking, he doesn't even have the urge to drink, and on top of that, he's been his normal sweet, goofy, funny, loving self. There are things we are missing (I'm more of the artsy, emotional type, he's less so, we have different social needs, etc.) but every relationship has its deficiencies, and you have to decide if the good outweighs the bad. I love him. He loves me more than I deserve (my thoughts not his, he would never say that). I don't know if divorce is in our best interest because right now he seems happy. I've been emotionally distant since the last big fight, and I miss him. But when we're not happy, or when he's not happy, like other posters have said, I worry he's trapped. And you are 100% right, the way he talks to me/treats me in this regard does not make me feel sexy. I have lost 12 lbs in 2 months, taking me to 98/100 lbs. Which is pretty underweight for me.I'm so stressed by everything. A break is something I've been thinking about, but how? We share a bank account, we live together, and my best friend lives on the other side of the house. I need a break from my life in general... How would I even bring it up?

[cherubrock]

Ohhhh I see...I don't know why but I hadn't realized you two were married. Well you can take a mini-vacation with a friend? Doesn't have to be anywhere far. Hoe does he love you more than you deserve?