Fiance left me after everything for another, richer guy

[PhysicsJoel]

Hello everyone,

 

You know I have been searching for answers everywhere, and I came across this forum, and thought I would see what everyone thinks.

 

My story:

 

My fiance and I knew each other for about 12 years. We were always in other relationships, and had mutual friends. Then 4 and 1/2 years ago, we both were not in relationships, and we started dating. We went on happy as could be for a long time, moved in together, got a puppy together 2 years ago, and then last year we got engaged in November (2016). These were some seriously happy times for both of us, and we started making plans for the marriage, kids, homes, and future locations to live and buy homes. We had it all figured out. There was one issue...she became an alcoholic about 1 1/2 years before this, and according to her long time friends, the issue showed itself long ago. In the past few years, she was dealing with a change of jobs from being a successful model (VERY SUCCESSFUL) to much less jobs and having to rent out her condo to pay for it. Then, she decided to change jobs to realty, and did fine in that for about a year. Then she started to drink, and lost her job there, and tried to start her own business with a girlfriend. This is when she really picked up the drinking, showing up to showings drunk, and eventually the company holding her license said they will no longer hold it unless she seeks help. After November of last year, she had withdrawal seizures, and I witnessed up to 6 of them through out the next year. We attempted detox, and numerous bouts of trying outpatient rehab. She always fell back. Then in the last two months, with her mothers help and guidance, she had to leave my home to make the point. She went to her sisters, where she drank until her mother found her and called 911 to take her to the hospital. She called me and I came to her at the hospital...one of the sadest moments to see my dear sweet person so helpless to addiction. She then went to detox, and we decided with her that she needed to do more this time.

 

She decided to go to a $40,000 inpatientrehab program, which her mom coughed up the money for. I am just finishing my doctorate by the end of this year, and could not afford that, but her mom happily did it if it gave her a chance. She went, things were fine between us for a bit, I visited and we kissed, hugged, and said we loved one another. Then communication slowed, and I just thought she was focusing on herself in there. Then she wanted to set up a family therapy session with a therapist between us. So, the day I am to go to this, I come home early to take care of the dog and get cleaned up...she is there with a friend packing up all her things. I got no answers and was heart broken and scared. She said we will talk at the meeting. I go there, and she tells me that she always focused on the bad stuff with her mother that caused issues in her life, then she thought about her other relationships...which was with me...she said that if we got married, we would have kids, and never get divorced, and could possibly be miserable. That she wasn't in love with me anymore, and gave me the ring back and that we couldn't be together. She said that things weren't as good for the past two years...but this is extremely questionable because of what I will talk about later...She walks out for a break, and I asked the therapist what was going on, and he said she has a very complex thought process, and it is extremely hard to follow her reasoning. He also said he has expressed his concerns to her and me that she is making decisions too quickly and particularly in rehab to not make any major life changes for at minimum a year. I asked her if there was someone else involved, and she said no...

 

This is where it turns for the way worse...

 

Leaves me broken hearted looking for answers, and she got out the following weekend and said she was leaving. I pleaded and said our relationship was beautiful and our future is just ahead of us...that I love her, and stood by her through all of this. She says she needs a few last things from my house, and came on a Monday. She came with her sister and a guy...that I had seen at the rehab place. My immediate thought...she is cheating. I asked the guy if they are in a relationship, he said no, I asked if he planned to, he said no. Then she grabbed a few things, I asked for one last hug, and then showed her the ring as she drove off with this guy. Turns out, she left the rehab with someone from there in rehab romance. She left with him to move to his state and move in with him immediately. She later told me that she was with him and that's that. They are together now for a month and a half, and I have cut all contact with her...she calls and texts here and there, and I do not answer. Turns out this guy was in rehab for drugs...but is a wealthy son of a business owner. She leaves all her family and friends behind, and tells us all nothing. Leaves me with our two year old pup, and doesn't care, although she asked me if she could have him.

 

Again this is where it gets worse. Turns out she was drinking day one out of rehab with this guy. She has been drinking since. Numerous friends, family, and myself have heard her drunk on the phone. But the proof was when she admitted it to one of her best friends. We are all double checking our stories with one another, and it just turns out she moved there, is drinking, not working, and is "planning to move to Miami to do real estate with him."

 

Now, I know this story is way more complex due to alcohol and addiction...but I don't know whats going on. She dropped me and everyone like stones, picked up and left with another guy. All her friends, me and her family all have many stories of weird delusional stories she tells. That she isn't making much sense, and dodges many questions, and wont even really speak about me at all. Its like she is blocking out the thought of me to ensure the emotion of me doesn't surface. She seems to act in conviction, but yet everyone is getting really odd stuff out of her. Some points to add to this about the odd stuff:

1. Miami is a drug and booze party place, we had been there together, she knows this...and wants to move there and compete with the biggest and best real estate folks in the world. This is crazy! and not thought out at all.

2. She only knows this guy for about 2 months at best. She says she trusts him to friends, but then runs circles when they question her about this choice. She told me she loved him when she got out of rehab...that was like only 3 weeks into knowing him...she even said she will probably marry him to me

3. She isn't working towards any of the stuff she said she was going to...like getting her real estate license back and start getting ready to move to miami...none of this is happening and she just sleeps all day and does nothing currently...which is what she did at her worst point with me when she was drunk all the time.

4. She is drinking...he is also an addict...two dead batteries don't start a car I'm told...and these flings usually don't end well or last long

5. She was talking to a girlfriend on the phone, and mid conversation about talking about the guy and what his deal is...she hangs up...texts that she can't say it in front of him, but that he has money, and that the family money may not be hers

6. She also was confronted about leaving the rehab place too early by everyone...she said there was nothing more they could do for her. Based on what the therapist said, and others telling me, it seems she wasn't very serious about rehab at all and instead focused on this guy. She never truly wanted to quit drinking and I could see the therapists saying...since you have that opinion still, then there isn't anymore we can do for you (they have to be ready to change themselves for help to make the change).

7. Her friend asked her how she doesn't think she has a problem, and said "if there wasn't someone nearby (the guy), I would probably think about it differently, or say something different." meaning she doesnt want to show him she has a real problem or admit it. They are supposedly "working on this" aka things aren't as smooth as they seem.

8. She isn't paying for any of her bills, which I still get at my house, and her condo is likely to foreclose according to her parents. She has huge IRS debt from when she made so much and we were going to do an offer and compromise but since this she isn't taking it very seriously. In fact, she blames her parents for getting the condo and actually all of her financial woes and her mom for even many of her life problems. Placing blame on others and then acting out of spite. I think I get squeezed in there too although I was a damn good man to her and always loving, understanding, and tried my best even in my hardest part of my life (this doctorate).

9. Turns out she cheated twice on me in her drunken stoopers...not that it justifies it, but I didn't know until very recently. I would have been willing to work on this through counseling and whatever it takes kind of mentality. But the drinking continued and still does. I wouldn't consider anything until sober if she ever calls me again.

 

She left me with 3 months until our life together really kicked off...I was to finish, we were going to move...and instead she leaves me...with no answers...our puppy, and a broken heart. She leaves me for a wealthier guy (although I come from a wealthy family, but I am a grad student and dont make much on my own currently, but that changes so soon! 3 months I will have a great new job after graduation), and it just seems like a quick fix for security. I don't doubt they may have connected on some stuff in rehab, but why she threw me away for another addict is beyond me. I have no addiction problems (well I smoke cigs occaissionally), and tried my hardest to help her through all of her drinking and detox and rehab while I am stressed out working harder than ever at school/work, and taking care of the dog. She literally just S*** on me and left.

 

How can people do this? I can barely handle the pain, because although the drinking occurred, we were very intimate all the way up to the end before this last rehab, and still talked so highly of our future together. Then poof gone.

 

I am so heart broken...and everyone else is left cleaning up her mess she left. Her mom is enabling this all by still supporting her financially by paying the 1st and 2nd mortgage on her condo, and this has all just gone way off the rails. There is too much to say and it doesn't make sense to a Biophysicist who looks for logic and reason (me).

 

Basically, has any one experienced such a thing, and what do or did you do? I am in no contact now, but eventually am hoping to speak to her or at least start with texts, but the last we spoke it was cold and unempathetic. So i figure, NC, then wait for emotions to cool. I want to get her back...but she has to be sober to see this clearer. She has literally gone off the rails...still drinking, and not facing life on life's terms. Everyone here loves her and wants to help her and support her, but instead gives us all the big middle finger. Does she just have too much to confront here? Hence run off with the next best thing? She is hiding everything about them two from everyone. Only small snippets get leaked out when shes somewhat sober on the phone to friends and family, who then tell me about it.

 

I am just so lost...just a few weeks ago this was my beautiful bride to be. Now she seems like a gold digger and cares not even one inch about me....even when she was having the drinking issues we didn't fight overly much...I mean I would get frustrated, but never did anything terrible...She said I called her a once (I did) and apologized within two hours in a very honest way. She also said I told her there are easier women out there than her...I then told her I said that while you were drunk and you forgot the rest of it...that there are easier people out there who would see their drinking issues and address it. It wasn't about her personally! She is distorting everything to make sure it fits her current bad choices...and everyone calls her on it...she either hangs up or laughs about it.

 

One thing is for sure...I am alone and have no clue if she will ever come back to me...it kills me inside. I can write more but for the sake of length....please just type some comments on your thoughts about what is here. Please let me know what you think I should do!? How should I handle this!? Should I talk to her...? Or just wait, and potentially never see her again? She said she would never do this (cheat and leave, because my previous ex cheated on me) to me and then it happened! I don't know what to think or do? Any thoughts?

[happyfrank]

She is no longer your problem. To be honest. If you married her it would be a life long struggle. Move on with your life. It will be for the best.

 

Good luck.

[DancingFool]

How do you figure you could ever have a normal life with a lying cheating addict???? There is no logic in this whatsoever. Count yourself lucky that she is actually out of your life and then take a really good close look at yourself and why you ever thought keeping this woman in your life was a good idea.

[Tick]

You know you can't help an alcoholic gold digging liar anymore. You should make a new start with your life and your job. It's better to have less contact with her family otherwise you can't heal your wounds

[AtitAgain]

Wow! Aren't you a lucky bastard! She did the hard work for you and walked out - you didn't even have to dump her.... wait you were planning on dumping her right? Because I mean... there is no reason not to...

[Thainara]

You can't see right now because you're hurting, but try to analyze everything with your logical mind. Look at yourself and answer quickly: do you think you really deserve to share a life with a drunk woman? How about your kids? Listen, I am the daughter of a drunk father and I'm have many (i mean MANY) issues because of that. So start thinking straight and let her go and thank to the Universe for this favor.

[Rustysuit]

Holy crap, man. You dodged a real bullet with this one.

 

I can 100% guarantee that "relationship" will crash and burn and she'll be back to put your life through misery once again.

[wilyone 11]

Everyone is incredulous that you are pining for this woman, but love does strange things. Is it possible that you are rationalizing her ridiculous behavior and alcoholism because she was a VERY SUCCESSFUL (your emphasis) model and presumably very beautiful? And her beauty gave you an ego boost and made you feel better about yourself? Otherwise why is this even relevant to the story.

[wilyone 11]

Here is what may have happened. I am totally speculating here based on what you've written. You put up with terrible behavior on her part for whatever reasons and acted like a doormat. Perhaps you displayed insecurity about not currently being wealthy (despite your obvious intelligence and earning capacity). She may have gradually lost respect and attraction for you and ran off with someone else. It won't last but we all think you are better off. Why don't you pursue someone who is your intellectual equal and has her life together?

[PhysicsJoel]

Everyone, thank you for your comments thus far. Yes, it is still a fresh wound and I guess I was just blind sided because if anything, I thought I would be the one to leave. However, I am loyal and although her problems were large, I stayed by her side as anyone would do when you truly love someone, especially with a disease. I can honestly say I put all my efforts forth and it just feels horrible thinking of the things she is doing with another man/ finding happiness without me.

 

To address some specific things, I mentioned her success solely for the purpose of explaining her life challenges. Not to explain her beauty, which is a given for a model. That never bothered me that she was successful, or not successful, and of course I did appreciate her beauty, but that wasn’t just a mere ego booster. I know my own self worth and am a handsome guy so I don’t look at it like she made me feel better than I really am. She made me feel good because the love we shared, and she was a bright person with lots to offer. I do feel insecure a bit at the moment, but I assume that is totally par for the course.

 

I don’t believe I acted like a doormat, but whos to say that may or may not have been what she thought. I was no “yes man” to her, and often would display that I have my own feelings and thoughts, even if they conflicted with hers(again, I know who and what I am at age 32). We did many beautiful things together and shared so many deep profound memories...it’s just that alcohol has so deeply skewed her perception of reality. It’s hard to say if she will ever come back down from this craziness.

 

What I was specifically asking was if anyone had similar experiences, regardless of the addiction? How did you handle it? Some of you are saying it will fail with this guy and she will be back, but I obviously am not going to wait, I just think she is making the biggest mistake of her life...and there is nothing I can say or do to change it.

 

Do ex’s eventually think about the other person even if they ran off with another person? Eventually? Should I eventually expect a call?

 

I hate our home now and find it extremely barren and uncomfortable to be with all the memories. I did remove pictures and as many things as possible, but the ghost of her still haunts my minds in every inch of the place. Likewise, in every day life. This is severely traumatic for me and it feels much like symptoms describing PTSD. No one saw this coming, and most of all me.

 

Any coping skills I should consider? Any recommendations at all? How to handle speaking with her when the time comes? Or is it truly best to turn, walk away and never look back? I find this extremely hard because I still am in love with her. I know I paint an awful picture of her, but I wouldn’t have asked her to marry me if we didnt share something wonderful. We both would say this is a one and only type of thing, and only comes once in a life time?

 

Do ex’s that cheat/flee just make excuses to justify their behavior? Do you all think the alcohol plays a much larger role in this than just me being a good guy to her?

 

Thanks again everyone, and I was hoping I wouldn’t feel so alone and hear some similar stories(maybe plus or minus the addiction).

[luminousone]

Over and over, the addiction will win over any relationship. It is not a rational choice for her. She is going where she is most able to continue her addiction. When that well dries up, she will seek another enabler. (If she is still alive).

 

Go to Alanon - they know addiction inside and out, and can help you understand the enormity of the situation.

 

Go back to your counselor and explore why you are willing to run your life into the ground by enabling her.

 

You will heal from this. You need to say goodbye to the mess and disaster of a life tied to addiction and hello to a healthy and vibrant life.

 

Your ex is not available for a healthy relationship right now. It is doubtful that she ever will be. Please have strength, and move on. Protect yourself.

 

And do NOT give her that dog. She would be unable to care for it properly due to her addiction.

[catfeeder]

First mistake, always, is trying to hold onto an alcoholic. The kindest thing you could have done for her and yourself at first recognition of the problem would have been to walk away, tell her you adore her and if she ever stabilizes, she can contact you a year afterward, and if you're still available then, you'll meet to catch up.

 

Alcoholics need to lose the people they love in order to find their own bottom, and then their own path upward, if possible. Remaining in her life during this time enabled her to take you both down.

 

Consider attending Ala-Non meetings to learn the cycles of addiction and to heal from your entanglement with an alcoholic.

 

Head high, if this was ever 'meant-to-be' it could have only happened long after she got sober and stable. Anything short of that was a painful exercise in harming yourself--and it didn't do her any favors, either.

[ShatteredMan]

I can imagine the pain you're in. It is not your job to protect her anymore. She's made her choice and she's not going to change.

 

More than likely she's going straight down and even deeper rabbit hole this time. It's her life and don't let her destroy yours.

 

She gave you "the gift of goodbye". My ex did too and I didn't want to accept it for what it was because of the pain and psychological injury I had from it.

 

Don't rush your recovery from this. It will get better and you'll be stronger from this journey.

 

BTW, I've dated two models and they had "dumpster fires" for lives as well. They ended up with situations that I'm so glad I'm not a part of today.

[PhysicsJoel]

I agree with most everyone’s comments here. It’s not that I don’t see how bad this truly is. but it seriously doesn’t make sense. And likewise, I can’t tell if there were deeper issues between us (for her at least), because alcohol came into the mix. I hold our relationship in high regard, until her failures became too much and she started drinking. I am the first to say I am not perfect, and likely made mistakes along the way, but it was never anything that couldn’t change and the things I’ve asked her friends about if she ever complained of me in the past was the usual girl talk ( Joel doesn’t fold clothing right, that she did everything[which wasn’t true] or that she planned everything, or the soap dispenser wasn’t put away). Her friends would then tell her how their husbands/boyfriends are and their complaints and they always seemed so small and insignificant to all, especially compared to the other girls complaints of their sig others. I even changed many of these things, but near the end, I was taking up a new hobby and spending money on things I wanted to do to make my life good, and it made her upset. Point being is I can’t rule out that she may have just been unhappy. But this doesn’t explain her poor life decisions, both before and with me. I guess I am searching for answers, but as a good friend told me...you will likely never get them and you have to accept it.

 

Thing is, I don’t know if she will ever try to come back to me, and I don’t know what to do if she does. Say she does hit true rock bottom and this relationship with this guy goes south...and she wants to seek me out again...I truly do not know what to do. I know a life with an alcoholic is not a good one, but this is my loved one, my wife to be...or was. I can’t just discard her as she discarded me...for now.

 

I still haven’t got an answer from anyone as to if ex’s(her) think about their recent ex(me)? It feels like she isn’t because she’s with this guy, but I can’t possibly imagine she isn’t thinking of me at all...unless passed out drunk. Is it likely she will come back? Do you think this relationship with the new guy will fail?

 

Just want a third party perspective. The other side of this is...is this narcissistic behavior? Has she truly developed into a narcissist and I didn’t see it? She discard me and our dog, and left everyone else behind like it is nothing...a true hallmark of a narcissist.

 

Just could use some help here. This isn’t getting any easier to cope with. Especially the uncertainty of the future...our future.

[boltnrun]

She is an addict.

[DancingFool]

She is a hardcore addict doing what addicts do - including mood swings, wild accusations of their partner as they experience delusions, etc, etc, etc, etc,

 

Whoever said that you should go to an Al-Anon meeting was right. You should just to educate yourself better on the magnitude of the problem and the fact that you can't save an addict from themselves.

 

As for "if you love someone...", sorry but no, it's not that simple. If you love someone, you don't martyr yourself to their madness. Google white knight syndrome.

[catfeeder]

It’s not that I don’t see how bad this truly is. but it seriously doesn’t make sense.

 

Alcoholics drink, and nothing and nobody is more important to them than their drink, and their behavior isn't anything to 'make sense' of. It's senseless to anyone who isn't an alcoholic. But there are slews of people who have learned helpful stuff while loving an alcoholic, and you can meet them in Ala-Non groups and learn how to make sense of your own life--beyond her. THEN you will know exactly what to do if she breaks up with new guy and comes knocking on your door, and you'll have gained the clarity and the strength to make decisions in your own best interests--and hers.

[chitown9]

OP, it seems that you have hopes of her coming back. She will see the light and return to you. The best thing for you is for her to be out of your life. You have received a bunch of good advice. Put it into motion. Go to an Al-anon meeting. You will get some answers about her strange behavior from them. It has been pointed out to you that addicts go where they can continue their addiction. Time to get off the merry go round. chi