Update to My Multi-Dating Thread

[katrina1980]

Thanks figureitout!

 

You know the way he handled this was such a turn on too. At least for me and what I like and apparently need.

 

When he confronted me, he didn't "pansy" around the way many guys do, trying to be "nice."

 

He was quite assertive, at least at first, even a bit pissed!

 

He didn't use these words but the gist was - we had a great thing going, we both know it, you need to knock this shyt off! LOL. Again he wasn't quite that harsh, but that was the attitude.

 

I think that is why I cried though, he was so right!

 

Life, love is so complicated sometimes, at least for some of us.

 

It all works out for the best though, whether you end up together or not.

 

Whatever is meant to be will be and all that.

 

I truly believe that!

[Batya33]

Sounds like you're comfortable giving things another chance. I would rethink the "whatever will be" in this case because it has far more to do with your specific choice to trust that he means what he says about accepting your boundaries, etc and you have eyes wide open -you know what his preferences are sexually at least. It doesn't sound complicated at all - it's simply that he suggested what to you was a potentially dangerous (life threatening?) sex game when you barely knew him and you also posted later that during that weekend you wanted to go home and it was too much time together -that could be just because of the particular environment or there might be something generally off about you two as a match. But this is far more in your control than "whatever will be" (sure sometimes that plays into things a lot more -I'm just commenting on this situation).

 

I'd have fun and also proceed with caution.

[Sportster2005]

I can have sex with multiple women. I don't call it dating multiple women though. I call it single and ****ing multiple women. To each their own.

 

People die doing auto erotic asphyxiation. I have no interest in dying. Apparently though science supports it can really be intense. Too bad about the risk of dying.

[figureitout23]

I can have sex with multiple women. I don't call it dating multiple women though. I call it single and ****ing multiple women. To each their own.

 

People die doing auto erotic asphyxiation. I have no interest in dying. Apparently though science supports it can really be intense. Too bad about the risk of dying.

 

While I agree with you about autoneeotic asphyxiation, nothing Kat has said indicates he will 'make her' do something that she's not comfortable with, so I'm not understanding what the big deal is. Maybe I'm weird but I don't see how else you know what a person likes unless it's brought up. I'm not a fan of anal sex, so if a guy tries it, I say 'nope! Exit only!' And keep it moving. His sexual desires aren't illegal, they're just not the norm, I don't think that's a reason to cut him off. If he shows other signs sure, but sexual preference?

[katrina1980]

While I agree with you about autoneeotic asphyxiation, nothing Kat has said indicates he will 'make her' do something that she's not comfortable with, so I'm not understanding what the big deal is. Maybe I'm weird but I don't see how else you know what a person likes unless it's brought up. I'm not a fan of anal sex, so if a guy tries it, I say 'nope! Exit only!' And keep it moving. His sexual desires aren't illegal, they're just not the norm, I don't think that's a reason to cut him off. If he shows other signs sure, but sexual preference?

 

Thank you figureitout, you get it!

 

He never pushed it on me, he proposed the idea.

 

It was all me. Things were moving fast and I got all into my head about it, about everything.

 

All I needed to do was tell him I wasn't comfortable with it, let it go and we move forward.

 

I did tell him I wasn't cool with it, and he never mentioned it again.

 

Then when I got home as I said I got all into my head.

 

Freaked about it and ended the entire relationship!

 

In retrospect I shouldn't have, I need to communicate better, what I'm feeling, what's going on inside of ME.

 

NOT just run off, crawl into shell, and end things! I do that a lot, it's so dysfunctional!

 

Not to mention hurtful, for both of us.

 

Neither one of us is having sex with anyone else; we discussed it today.

[Batya33]

I don't think you need to communicate better when what the other person is proposing is dangerous and life threatening and you really don't know that person well. i think it's entirely understandable if him suggesting it as he did on that trip freaked you out whether or not he would be "ok" with you declining. Sure you might in hindsight have thought you overreacted but it's not because you're a poor communicator. If anything, he is - he knows you two just started dating and he's bringing up a life threatening act so that he can increase his sexual pleasure? Poor judgment on his part if he sees potential for a serious relationship -for the long term -and totally fine if he sees you as someone he is attracted to and wants to date for now and have a sexual relationship where he gets to try different positions, etc to increase his pleasure. If that happened to me I'd feel objectified, trivialized and that his focus was not on getting to know me better. Unless you two had discussed before this that you were both focused on trying new sexual acts that might be risky but the increase in sexual pleasure was worth it. Then of course he'd have been mentioning something related to his past impression of you.

 

Yes, if things are moving too fast then good communication warrants sharing with him in a positive way that you want to take a bit of a step back. But freaking out because someone you barely know wanted you to risk your life for his sexual pleasure - reasonable IMO in the context/timing. And reasonable if you trust him that he won't bring that up again and that the ground rules are suggestions are fine and the other person expressing discomfort is fine too. Please don't see this as a shortcoming in you -you communicate just fine and you were acting with self-care.

[katrina1980]

Actually, what he proposed was more for MY pleasure, an intense orgasm for ME.

 

But I get what you're saying. Yeah it was too soon and he definitely pushed boundaries.

 

Obviously he didn't view it as life threatening, I don't think anyone who engages in that "game" views it that way. Even though of course it is.

 

Anyway, that along with things moving too fast = temporary freak out.

 

In general, I am a lousy communicator when it comes to expressing uncomfortable feelings.

 

I bottle it all up or shove them down.

 

I've been this ways for YEARS, which is why I said I need to communicate better.

 

In any event, after this short break, wherein we both had an opportunity to take a breath and reassess, we have reconnected.

 

We have a date tonight, it's all good!

[Batya33]

Yes -we can all work on communication -was just talking about that particular situation. I'm sure he's engaged in that /proposed that before and knows the risks -it's all over social media at his fingertips. I've met men who get really turned on by their partner having an intense orgasm. I'm glad you worked it out, that he will respect your boundaries and that you have fun tonight.

[katrina1980]

Yes -we can all work on communication -was just talking about that particular situation. I'm sure he's engaged in that /proposed that before and knows the risks -it's all over social media at his fingertips. I've met men who get really turned on by their partner having an intense orgasm. I'm glad you worked it out, that he will respect your boundaries and that you have fun tonight.

 

Thanks Batya! Means a lot.

[Broomwood]

With regards to the paralegal girl, who dates so cooly like a guy. She reminded me of a paralegal girl I knew some years ago. Then 36 with a 15 year old daughter.

I guess numbers would be similar for those two. That girl was extremely attractive, like a model, but so messed up. So she too multidated and had sex with all of the guys she dated. Not at once obviously. And her story is a very sad one. Despite her looks, she rarely went beyond 4-5 dates with any given guy.

She too enjoyed it all, and was cool about it. But it was only on the surface. Beneath was a messed up little girl, whose only known means to attract and keep a guy was sex. It never worked. Just like some of the guys on this thread posted, once a guy sniffs that a girl has sex with other guys, he kind of boxes her in the "sex only" box. As a romantic interest she is finished. I guess she was also insecure in her ways and attention seeking that became obvious to the guys after several dates..

 

I would generilise, and say that what is normal for girls in this group, is not normal per se, it's a pretend normal, or a sick normal. For a healthy (not messed up) guy who's looking for anything beyond the few hook ups, a girl he's having sex with, who he knows also dates others, and who knows that he also dates others, cannot exist simultaneously as a hot bytch and a romantic girl he'd love and cherish.

[katrina1980]

I agree with you BW.

 

In getting to know her better, she used to be extremely overweight, lost something like 100 lbs.

 

She could still lose about 25 more, she acknowledges this, but she is attractive.

 

She is VERY promiscuous. Right now she is crazy in love with a guy, whom she sees quite often, but it's only sex.

 

She is also seeing another man, a man she is not so crazy about, and has sex with him too.

 

Her birthday was a couple of weeks ago and she threw herself a party.

 

She invited the guy she is crazy about, but he ignored her and was actually texting another woman from her house!

 

She confronted him and he said it was because she was beautiful, a former model apparently, and he "couldn't help himself."

 

She accepted that story, and invited him over the following night for, you guessed it, more sex.

 

To each his own!

[katrina1980]

Last Update on Guy A:

 

We went out last night. Drinks, nice dinner.

 

I gave it my best shot, but things just weren't the same, so I made it an early night.

 

He KNEW it wasn't the same for me, I can't hide these things, so we won't be seeing each other again.

 

Thanks again for all your help and insight guys.

[Batya33]

Better that you know so early on.

[katrina1980]

Better that you know so early on.

 

Of course. I still feel badly though; I really wanted it to work. So did he.

 

But yeah, you get to know people and feelings can change I guess.

 

There were other issues too though, not with him, but with ME.

 

*Stuff* I am still trying to sort through.

 

Thanks Batya.

[Batya33]

Of course. I still feel badly though; I really wanted it to work. So did he.

 

But yeah, you get to know people and feelings can change I guess.

 

There were other issues too though, not with him, but with ME.

 

*Stuff* I am still trying to sort through.

 

Thanks Batya.

 

This early on it sounds more like you two had idealized versions of each other and in getting to know parts of his real self/personality you realized the incompatibilities early on. i hope you're not too hard on yourself as if there was actually a change of feelings and a change of commitment to making something "work" based on significant knowledge of each other. That's a different kind of relationship issue if you had a pattern like that -i.e. knowing someone well, developing feelings and a sense based on actual knowledge that something has long term potential - vs. realizing incompatibility early on, giving it one more chance as you chose to do (which is not always needed), and then confirming that there isn't potential. I would think the latter is understandable and typical in many early dating relationships and doesn't mean you have any issues. Also you sorted out very quickly that it wasn't that you two moved too fast but rather that he's not someone you should date with potential for the long term -that's good, it frees you to move on and meet someone who's a better match.

[figureitout23]

Sorry, it didn't work out.

 

I really believed you genuinely liked him and now I'm wondering if maybe it was a false attachment because of sex? You both seemed to move quickly after that. Thoughts?

[katrina1980]

Sorry, it didn't work out.

 

I really believed you genuinely liked him and now I'm wondering if maybe it was a false attachment because of sex? You both seemed to move quickly after that. Thoughts?

 

@figureitout, good point to consider, tnx.

 

Sex does seem to intensify things, it has in virtually all my past relationships which is what I actually wanted to avoid.

 

May wait a bit longer next time.

 

Batya, what you wrote makes sense, but the "issues" I need to sort through have nothing to do with him or this situation.

 

It involves a completely different situation(s), that I thought I had resolved (within myself) but in reality, have not.

 

I don't have the energy to go into it now, perhaps I will create a different thread about it later.

[figureitout23]

 

 

Just like some of the guys on this thread posted, once a guy sniffs that a girl has sex with other guys, he kind of boxes her in the "sex only" box. As a romantic interest she is finished. I guess she was also insecure in her ways and attention seeking that became obvious to the guys after several dates..

 

I would generilise, and say that what is normal for girls in this group, is not normal per se, it's a pretend normal, or a sick normal. For a healthy (not messed up) guy who's looking for anything beyond the few hook ups, a girl he's having sex with, who he knows also dates others, and who knows that he also dates others, cannot exist simultaneously as a hot bytch and a romantic girl he'd love and cherish.

 

While I don't disagree wouldn't you say this mindset it illogical?

 

I, as a man, want uncommitted sex, but then dismiss the girl because 'she gave it up too soon' or I as a man want to be able to have sex with you and continue to date other women and potentially have sex with them, but if you do the same I can't look at you in the same light.

 

I agree that there are women out there who are having sex as a coping mechanism, I also believe there are woman who can go out and have multiple sex partners and she's mentally sound, it's just what she likes, but I also really and truly believe that dating today makes it to where a woman feels she has no other choice but to play that role or to believe she should be ok with it because 'everyone else is' when it is the complete opposite of how she naturally acts/feels and men who aren't into casual sex but go along with it because the woman is pushing for it. So instead of getting to know one another they just created a big ole mess jumping into a physical relationship without even knowing the persons last name.

[Batya33]

@figureitout, good point to consider, tnx.

 

Sex does seem to intensify things, it has in virtually all my past relationships which is what I actually wanted to avoid.

 

May wait a bit longer next time.

 

Batya, what you wrote makes sense, but the "issues" I need to sort through have nothing to do with him or this situation.

 

It involves a completely different situation(s), that I thought I had resolved (within myself) but in reality, have not.

 

I don't have the energy to go into it now, perhaps I will create a different thread about it later.

 

I understand. I did not/do not wish to pry.

[Batya33]

While I don't disagree wouldn't you say this mindset it illogical?

 

I, as a man, want uncommitted sex, but then dismiss the girl because 'she gave it up too soon' or I as a man want to be able to have sex with you and continue to date other women and potentially have sex with them, but if you do the same I can't look at you in the same light.

 

I agree that there are women out there who are having sex as a coping mechanism, I also believe there are woman who can go out and have multiple sex partners and she's mentally sound, it's just what she likes, but I also really and truly believe that dating today makes it to where a woman feels she has no other choice but to play that role or to believe she should be ok with it because 'everyone else is' when it is the complete opposite of how she naturally acts/feels and men who aren't into casual sex but go along with it because the woman is pushing for it. So instead of getting to know one another they just created a big ole mess jumping into a physical relationship without even knowing the persons last name.

 

I confess it's been 12 years since I dated but "way back then" of course there was the myth of "have sex by the third date" and of course there were many women who believed they had to have casual sex or sex early on to "keep" the guy interested. I rarely had that issue - I was matter of fact and straightforward and positive about my values/standards and I tried not to go on dates with guys or meet guys where I sensed that our values/habits were incompatible in that regard.

 

The only time there was an issue is if the guy brought up sex early on as in wanting us to have sex right away - and then of course if that was his focus it became a focus of conversation early on, if he didn't take "no" for an answer in the discussion.

 

When I dated it was to get married so I dated marriage-minded men. Typically they had a long term view and typically that meant that it wasn't important to them to have sex early on and in many cases they affirmatively did not want to for values reasons. My husband told me of a few women who basically threw themselves at him (no he wasn't a hottie) and he declined. He didn't present this in a bragging way at all -it was matter of fact and more of a casual reference (in one case the story sounded interesting so I asked him for the details about the drunk "friend" who went from demure to asking him to ____ her one night.

 

I haven't heard that it's changed that dramatically but I see you have a different experience!

[katrina1980]

@figureitout, your last post.

 

I think every situation is different.

 

In my situations, early sex led to "relationships." It did not detract from my "boyfriends" viewing me as "girlfriend material" because we had early sex.

 

In my co-worker's situation, she is having lots of sex with several guys, and struggling to understand why none of them want a "relationship" with her.

 

And actually disrespecting her, as evidenced by the guy she's having crazy sex with hitting on another woman while at her birthday party!

 

For me, he would have been DONE, for good no matter intoxicatingly the sex was. I would have kicked him out right then and there. Completely disrespectful.

 

But yet, she overlooked and invited him to hers the next night!

 

I think that speaks volumes about who she is, the level of respect she has for herself, which *will* affect how a man views her too, as far as wanting a relationship with her or not.

[Batya33]

I know of couples who've been happily committed for many years and had sex right away. I do think it's riskier in general though if long term is the goal. For example a brand new dating couple probably cannot deal with even a pregnancy scare because they don't know each other or with any issues in the bedroom for the same reason while s coiple with a strong and longer foundation are more likely to be able to. Also it's more Indian to find a couple who just met and are honest with each other and ish themselves about what sex means and what it doesn't. Hard to find a man nad woman on the same page and hard to discuss honestly with someone you barely know.

[katrina1980]

I don't think anyone should be having sex, unless they are using safe and effective birth control.

 

Becoming pregnant has never been a concern of mine (or his) for this reason.

 

STD's, use condoms. Get regularly checked!

 

Course nothing is foolproof but it reduces the risk immensely!

 

As far as early sex being riskier for having a relationship, as I've stated many times, many men in today's dating culture, won't even consider a relationship *until* they've had sex with a particular woman. Truth!

 

If I could cut and paste all the numerous posts I've read from several men asserting this (on various forums I've been a member of) I would!

 

Not to mention the men in my meet up group and my own brothers.

 

Sex first, then relationship, possibly, depending.

 

For many (not all) women it's the opposite.

 

Relationship first, then sex.

 

Todays's culture is completely different from years past.

 

Men have evolved in a sense. Expect more from women.

 

From paying to initiating, even pursuing (chasing) in some cases!

 

Bottom line, it's all a risk regardless of when two people choose to have sex.

 

 

 

.

[Batya33]

I would never keep dating someone who felt he had to have intercourse with me to see if I was worthy for a relationship with him. Too much like an audition I wouldn't attend or prep for lol. I don't believe that sexual compatibility is an issue if there is chemistry and passion and love and desire - the rest is details. Of course of the man is picky about technique or has fetishes etc then he might need to test that out but that person would not have been compatible with me. Every man who was genuinely interested in me either wanted to wait to have sex or was perfectly fine waiting till I was comfortable. Full stop. I know I never gave up a potentially good relationship by waiting for months to have intetcourse. We were sexual before then but not right away . We also had sleepovers and took vacation etc and all was completely above board about boundaries and I was never a tease because I was simple and direct about my boundaries and values.

 

Nothing is foolproof when it comes to birth control and since I knew I could never abort a baby (although I was prochocie for others and for myself if for example I'd gotten raped or needed to abort for another reason) I only slept with men where we were committed in love with strong potential for marriage. And used birth control. With std I waited until enough time where an HIV test would be accurate - at least.

I made one exception where I slept with a man before he was in love with me and where he would have wanted me to abort. Luckily I didn't get pregnant and I do regret that I made that exception.

 

I do not think any woman should compromise her sexual values - or risk pregnancy if she doesn't feel comfortable aborting or giving up the baby for adoption - based on some generalized notion of what"men" expect. An individual man who loves a woman or sees that potential and believes the woman is waiting for genuine reasons - not to test him- will wait even if typically he'd have sex earlier. Certainly if the woman is cool with having sex right away that's cool but I feel very sorry for any woman who compromises her values based on this belief about "men".

[katrina1980]

Batya I agree, especially last paragraph.

 

No woman should have to "prove" herself, or compromise her values, sexual or otherwise, for any man or anyone else.

 

I certainly wouldn't.

 

I do what *I* want because I believe it's the right thing to do, in that particular situation at that particular time. For ME.

 

Can't speak for other women.

 

I wasn't agreeing or disagreeing with what some men think, just stating that this is how many men think and feel in today's dating culture.

 

Not all of course, many men will wait and not have an issue with. Nor will they require a woman to prove her value before considering investing in a relationship.

 

Ultimately, we all do what works for us. Both men and women.

 

If a woman wishes to wait to have sex, and a man doesn't wish to wait, and walks, then so be it.

 

Next.