I told my ex that I don't want to be friends, need help deciphering response.

[kyber]

Ok so I posted a thread about the situation I have with my ex girlfriend with some really good advice.

 

If you cba looking, we are mid twenties, 8 year relationship, ended on good terms but she did the breaking up.

 

I really want her back, but I don't think it would happen/work out in the long run till we've had significant time apart and maybe other relationships in between (after this I know it would be a long shot).

 

Basically she's been texting me every week generally trying to be friends and stay part of each other's lives. I rang her last night and basically told her that we can't be friends - she was trying to find out why, saying is it too difficult? And such. I wasn't in the mood to stroke her ego some more so I said it's not difficult it's just not necessary. Petty I know but I'm still hurt, she probably saw right through it either way.

 

She basically said she still cares about me (she wasn't saying this the first month of breaking up) and we don't have to be best friends but we could stay in each other's lives. TBH I'm just hurt and confused and worried I made the wrong decision calling her.

 

I think I'm just trying to find out wether she might change her mind in the future. No one can tell me definitively obviously as even if I asked her she wouldn't know but people with experience in this field, after 8 years, we both loved each other intensely at points in the relationship, we were each other's first true loves, we ended amicably, she still cares and wants to keep me in her life, is there a chance I can make this work in the future? I will say she has seemed happy after breaking up. I think I should of just not called her because it's messed my head up more and set me back. Either way I'm going into NC until I've healed a lot more because that's the first step of getting her back anyway but yeh just post your advice and your own stories.

 

Cheers guys

[DancingFool]

When someone dumps you, they do lose the privilege of your friendship, companionship, and support as well. That's the consequence of ending a relationship.

 

When an ex who dumped you still wants to be your pal, it's not for your benefit and not for the sake of getting back together. They are simply cherry picking what they want from you and using that to help them comfortably get over you and move on. When you called her and ended that charade, you yanked her security blanked away her, so she was upset. I mean how dare you not be there for her anymore? Well.....you shouldn't be. Remember that she chose not to be with you anymore. So there are consequences to that.

 

Besides that, keeping an ex around as a "friend" is going to prolong your healing process and stop you from finding a healthy relationship with anyone else. Most people simply will not tolerate that kind of an arrangement unless you have kids together. There is too much room for drama and it does tend to indicate unfinished business.

 

Honestly, any time you are tempted to leap to the phone and be her pal, ask yourself how you will feel when she starts gushing at you about this new guy she started dating and how amazing and fun he is. If that will make you feel sick inside, then don't play her gal pal in pants. The thing is that if she wants to get back together, she does know how to reach you. Staying on her radar playing friendzies won't help your cause in any respect and it won't make her want you back either.

[mrsolodolo]

So, I'm going through the same thing.

 

We split just under a month ago. I tried to go no contact straight away. She sent me a few messages and her tone was changing from the pre distance 'you're dead to me' to taking some blame and showing signs of missing me.

 

The messages would come at least once a week, usually about 3-4 days, I replied to the first few. Then, I asked her to not contact me as I'm still trying to heal. She ignored me and sent a message a few days later telling me she keeps photos of me in her phone, to remind her of the good in me.

 

I responded again (darn it, felt worse for doing that) with my favorite pictures of us. She replied with a sad smile and that was it. I then got caught up sent another message showing her an award I'd won recently at work, I realised after that I look desperite trying to impress her. I decided to go NC for real.

 

Today she sent another message about an email that she knew we had both received from my landlord, was just an excuse to send me a message. So, I replied telling her that I'd asked her not to contact me, that its not healthy and I need to grow and heal. I told her that seeing messages from her every week was not helping in that. She responded with a message where it was obvious that had stung her, but she agreed to back off.

 

I've since replied explaining I can't be friends, that the only relationship I would want with her is a romantic one and that staying friends will only stop me moving forward. She replied instantly saying she understood, she just feels sad now that she can see that "You are making now the transformation I wanted so much for You and myself and it is a little painful...Nobody wants to see how his/her ex is doing all this she/he asked for (her words)

 

You need to man up. Sounds stupid, but she rejected you. Who wants to chase someone that rejected you. Tell her, you're not interested in friends, you want to be her lover or nothing, then walk away and mean it. That seems to me like the only way to get them to feel that they are losing something and make them see sense.

[BoredSamurai]

DancingFool gave you a very vivid picture of the whole thing. You've nothing to gain from staying friends and everything to lose.

 

Just think about this. Everytime she's out you'll be thinking: "Where is she going? With who is she going out?". You'll over-analyze everything she says to try and understand if she's reconsidering her choice. And when she'll be with some other man, the pain and the anger will be unbearable. Trust what I say, you don't want to know. Ignorance is a bliss in these cases.

 

If you stay in touch with her you'll prolong your pain indefinitely. Cutting all ties is the harder choice right now, but it's the one that'll allow you to be better down the line.

[reinventmyself]

She demoted you to a friend. Believe you deserve better.

 

It's already been said but it delays your healing.

 

Ask her to not contact you unless something has changed.

If she continues to throw bread crumbs at you, block her

[kyber]

Cheers guys. I'm moving on NC indefinitely, should I hold onto a sliver of hope in the mean time?

 

previously I gave up completely and started to feel better but this week has been tougher.

 

It's not a straight linear recovery which is depressing.

[BoredSamurai]

A sliver of hope... it'll probably not be entirely in your control, at least not the first few weeks. You'll likely experience a rollercoaster of emotions, ranging from hoping that things can still be fixed to feeling anxious because she's out of your life. Perhaps you'll even hate her, sometimes. I'm not gonna lie, there are hard times ahead of you. But face them with the certainty that it will be better. Time flies so quickly and before you'll even realize it, you'll start to feel a bit better. And each passing day it'll be easier.

[kyber]

A sliver of hope... it'll probably not be entirely in your control, at least not the first few weeks. You'll likely experience a rollercoaster of emotions, ranging from hoping that things can still be fixed to feeling anxious because she's out of your life. Perhaps you'll even hate her, sometimes. I'm not gonna lie, there are hard times ahead of you. But face them with the certainty that it will be better. Time flies so quickly and before you'll even realize it, you'll start to feel a bit better. And each passing day it'll be easier.

 

Yeh man, thank you. You sound like you've got your head screwed on pretty well, always give sound advice and honest opinions.

[HeartGoesOn]

Either way I'm going into NC until I've healed a lot more because that's the first step of getting her back anyway but yeh just post your advice and your own stories.

 

Wrong...NC is the first step of getting YOU back, along with goal of moving forward. If, by chance she wants to get back together, she knows where to find you, otherwise you're that far ahead in the process of healing.

 

I wish you the best...

[kve1987van1]

8 years is a long time! And i heard it takes half of the relationship you have been with someone to heal being with them. If you broke up with the person. You broke up for a reason try to remember why you broke up in the first place. Right now your emotions are raw and lonely and up and down.

If you want to be with her. I would lose the ego swallow your pride and say I want to be with you. Find out her response. If she says yes. Lets try to make this work. If she says yes but. Dot dot dot. Then I would cut if off completely.

The thing is you tried you did all you could and you were honest and vulnerable with her. If she doesnt want to reciprocate then let it go. The right girl will work with you to make it work.

[kyber]

Just an update - we've not been in touch since this post and I'm feeling so much better. I've actually met someone else as well and she's great got loads in common, she's pretty. Just want to say a big thanks to everyone who posted because it was great advice. At first I wasn't going no contact to give her a chance to miss me but now I just don't have the inclination to contact her anymore. There's one or two things to sort out and then I'm pretty sure that chapter has ended and a new one begins 🙂 Excited doesn't cut it, so glad I'm through it now. At points I thought I wouldn't be happy again, funny how cutting the source of the pain out of your life can be so empowering, healing and rewarding.

 

Everyone who is going through a breakup. I know you've heard it before but it really does get better if you let it and cut them out your life, never hurts to get back out there and explore your options but don't rush it!

 

Good luck all!