I thought I was making progress, but then I saw the new profile pic of my exgf

[cococly]

Hello memebers,

 

I was with my exgf for 3.5 years.

 

I had been on NC with my ex for 10 days, then she messaged me to notify me that she has got a new job. We then had a brief text conversation. I also invited her to meet up for dinner, and she said she would confirm the meetup after her 2-week trip.

 

I thought i was making progress in getting her back, as she initiated contact with me again.

 

A few days later, she used a new whatsapp profile picture, and she looked very good, and it was also taken at her new boyfriend's place.

 

I know I am moving on. I had been concentrating on preparing well-paid professional job, but after the interview, I suddenly lost my “distraction”, and I wanted to check on how's my exgf is doing.

 

I have been thinking of my exgf less and less, and I am also dating other girls and with a new girlfriend.

 

But seeing her new profile photo made my recovery went 10 steps backwards. I started to miss her.

 

I know I would have no problem in knowing girls of highly qualities (she was slightly diabolical; she fell for the new guy within a week of knowing hin) , but I am still missing this exgf.

 

How should I adjust my mindset? Seems like everything else that I do to “move on” are just distractions, and once these distractions have ended, I would fall back into thinking of her.

 

It had been 3 months since the breakup.

[pippy longstocking]

There is no quick fix , but you can help yourself by removing/blocking her for whatsapp and everything else . It really is only natural to be transported back to that bad place when you have a reminder , so don't be too hard on yourself . It could have been a piece of music , or a place you visit , anything can suddenly trigger those horrible feelings of loss and heart ache . Just keep with it mate knowing it will pass eventually .

[MissCanuck]

You aren't moving on at all.

 

You have a girlfriend, yet you still want your ex and you're trying to "make progress" with her. What does your girlfriend think of all of this? You say you know you could meet high-quality women...and what exactly is your girlfriend to you?

 

Quit this and man up. Be single and deal with the pain.

[pippy longstocking]

oh I didn't know there was a new girlfriend

[loip9114]

You definitely haven't moved on that much is for sure. And I do have to agree with MissCanuck, up to this point you've been denying and turning away from the problem at hand. You have NOT accepted the breakup, you have not dealt with reality. You have merely (very quickly, 1 day if I am not mistaken) replaced your ex for someone else. This is not dealing with your problems, this is running away from them.

 

I have to agree that you have to go through this and process it, you are actually keeping yourself back at this point. The pain and hurt is awfull, but comfort does not breed progress! Discomfort does! Conflict is what makes us move, we do not only desire it, we feel the natural urgue to move. A breakup is an internal conflict, and using it you can greatly improve yourself! It gave me more self-esteem, more insight in my personal being, it showed me who I am and what are essential needs for me as a person. I believe that if another relationship would come along, I would be better equiped to deal with it. I am not done yet, but I know for certain I would be better at dealing with the issues of a relationship and I would thus be better at keeping a healthy relationship. All this came because I accepted this conflict and used it for myself.

 

As for this very very specific point, YES delete her whatsapp, why do you even still have it? Unfriend her on FB (I did this accidentaly, but it does work) and all the other things. You do not have the strength to see these things, and you should not be tempted to look at these things. I logged onto FB and saw a changed profile picture of her, BOOM I felt like . She looked gorgoeus as she always does (and I still remember her as being pretty) and it flared up my love for her. IT EVEN MADE ME CONTACT HER! (now this is already 1.5 month ago, but still). After that I started unfollowing, and after that I opened chat and BOOM she had changed her profile picture again. I got this punch again! That's when I decided, that while I had the discipline to not look anything up, these sneaky backdoors which let things through are killing me. Thus I need to get these things out of my space.

 

Anything that triggers major memories or feelings should be out of your enviromnent, otherwise you risk having this awesome day in which you feel quite alright just to be ruined by one single second. I was glad none of those profile pictures had another guy in it, but my god they were enough to destroy me (also they gave me an ego boost, because I could also see she was miserable. I know her face well enough, but still DESTROYED ME!

 

 

So yeah, get up and starting doing the works. You are missing out on this major opportunity for growth, just because you do not wish to actually deal with it.

[Disenchanted]

You definitely haven't moved on that much is for sure. And I do have to agree with MissCanuck, up to this point you've been denying and turning away from the problem at hand. You have NOT accepted the breakup, you have not dealt with reality. You have merely (very quickly, 1 day if I am not mistaken) replaced your ex for someone else. This is not dealing with your problems, this is running away from them.

 

I have to agree that you have to go through this and process it, you are actually keeping yourself back at this point. The pain and hurt is awfull, but comfort does not breed progress! Discomfort does! Conflict is what makes us move, we do not only desire it, we feel the natural urgue to move. A breakup is an internal conflict, and using it you can greatly improve yourself! It gave me more self-esteem, more insight in my personal being, it showed me who I am and what are essential needs for me as a person. I believe that if another relationship would come along, I would be better equiped to deal with it. I am not done yet, but I know for certain I would be better at dealing with the issues of a relationship and I would thus be better at keeping a healthy relationship. All this came because I accepted this conflict and used it for myself.

 

As for this very very specific point, YES delete her whatsapp, why do you even still have it? Unfriend her on FB (I did this accidentaly, but it does work) and all the other things. You do not have the strength to see these things, and you should not be tempted to look at these things. I logged onto FB and saw a changed profile picture of her, BOOM I felt like . She looked gorgoeus as she always does (and I still remember her as being pretty) and it flared up my love for her. IT EVEN MADE ME CONTACT HER! (now this is already 1.5 month ago, but still). After that I started unfollowing, and after that I opened chat and BOOM she had changed her profile picture again. I got this punch again! That's when I decided, that while I had the discipline to not look anything up, these sneaky backdoors which let things through are killing me. Thus I need to get these things out of my space.

 

Anything that triggers major memories or feelings should be out of your enviromnent, otherwise you risk having this awesome day in which you feel quite alright just to be ruined by one single second. I was glad none of those profile pictures had another guy in it, but my god they were enough to destroy me (also they gave me an ego boost, because I could also see she was miserable. I know her face well enough, but still DESTROYED ME!

 

 

So yeah, get up and starting doing the works. You are missing out on this major opportunity for growth, just because you do not wish to actually deal with it.

 

What did you message your ex when you contacted her? I've felt those moments of weakness for sure.

[loip9114]

What did you message your ex when you contacted her? I've felt those moments of weakness for sure.

 

I asked her where the picture was taking at first and complimented her on her looks. At the first message she was kind of defensive as she wasn't expecting anything from me, a bit later she told me it was just her dad's place (which was true, I believe we've always been honest even after the breakup), but after that we just had a nice talk actually nothing bad or anything. That's when I gave her that compliment, she said thanks and took my leave. Could have gone far worse tbh.

[loip9114]

Due this I actually went back a bit to FB to archive the conversations I had with my ex. Again same profile picture (thank god, nothing new) and it give me that litte sinking feeling. But now I've archived that conversation, so I actually have to look it up would I want to see it again.

So that's also a tip I want to give, archive your conversations. Make back-ups if you so desire, and delete it! Make sure you cannot accidently bump into it. Because everytime I opened my inbox I had to remind myself 'put your hand infront of the screen! You'll see the messages and the profile picture'. Make your space your own.

[misterjister]

i think some of this is a bit harsh on cocoly. To his credit he's being completely up front and honest about whats happened. That he's seen her new whatsapp picture if she's messaged him is bound to stir up feelings.

 

I don't think there's anything you can do to change your mindset, Coco. Blocking out everything and pretending they dont exist/are dead like some seem to suggest i'm guessing doesn't always work. The only thing thats going to bring acceptance is time..and we have plenty of that dont we? You've just got to go with the flow cocoly and keep doing your best. Thats just my opinion but what do I know.

[loip9114]

i think some of this is a bit harsh on cocoly. To his credit he's being completely up front and honest about whats happened. That he's seen her new whatsapp picture if she's messaged him is bound to stir up feelings.

 

I don't think there's anything you can do to change your mindset, Coco. Blocking out everything and pretending they dont exist/are dead like some seem to suggest i'm guessing doesn't always work. The only thing thats going to bring acceptance is time..and we have plenty of that dont we? You've just got to go with the flow cocoly and keep doing your best. Thats just my opinion but what do I know.

 

The point with blocking is merely to create a space in which you are able to focus on yourself. Your own feelings and your own pain. Atleast for me it is not meant to act as if they are dead/non-existent. Merely to ensure for yourself that you need not stay any longer than needed in the place. You are right that acceptance comes with time and that changes in mindset do so to, but every time you are confronted with anything reminding you of your ex will take you back a step in that process.

Everything that is associated with your ex is a sort of stressor bringing back the feelings and emotions of the breakup. These feelings can only dull if you let time do it's work. But if you are constantly reminded of it every day, you will not heal as fast as you can. Therefore I say, get an ex-free space to live in. Protect yourself, those feelings will stir up out of themselves, no need to get more than that.

 

As for the harshness, He is up front and honest, but so are we. It is not meant to offend or cause him harm, it is just meant to tell him that there might be things he's running away from. He's very conflicted about the feelings he still holds for his ex, while at the same time already having a new gf. Now everybody deals differently, but from the posts it is clear he has not giving himself the time to process the breakup. This could harm him more than anybody in the long run. At least that is my take from it and where my honesty and harshness may come from. How I view that breakups should be handled is my path, he must follow his own. I'd rather not see someone break themselves further than need be during this harsh time.

[DanZee]

Everybody misses their exes. I still miss my college sweetheart from time to time almost 40 years later. But you've moved on. Concentrate on your current girlfriend and your current friends. You'll fall in love again and find someone more compatible with you.

[Hollyj]

Don't use other girls to get over you ex, and to inflate your ego. That is very selfish. You should not be dating.

 

Deal with the break up, by hanging out with friends and enhancing your life.

 

If she has dumped you for another guy, why are you seeking a reconciliation? Where is your self respect! Block and delete her.

 

Have you told your new gf that you are actively trying to reconcile with your ex? How would you feel if the someone you were dating was doing the same to you?

[Goodfellas]

I feel ya, Cococly.

 

I've deleted/unfollowed my ex from all platforms, but just yesterday I checked Instagram for a new girl's profile. She happens to have the same name as my ex, I typed in two characters and voila!—There's my ex with a new display picture looking stunning. It's innocent – just her solo against a wall; not with another dude or highly sexualized in any way – but she looked incredible in a black dress and perfect smile. It set me back but I'm pleased to report I haven't cracked or contacted her.

 

I went on the date with the new gal last night and it was amazing. I enjoyed, and needed, the distraction especially after the whinge I had seeing my exs new display pic (even just a mini version of it). My advice? I wish I had some other than the tired "time heals all wounds" cliche. I'm seeing a counselor about my troubling pattern in relationships and why I can't get over this one, and I suggest you do the same if you have the means. In the meantime, I'll be following this thread closely.

[loip9114]

I feel ya, Cococly.

 

I've deleted/unfollowed my ex from all platforms, but just yesterday I checked Instagram for a new girl's profile. She happens to have the same name as my ex, I typed in two characters and voila!—There's my ex with a new display picture looking stunning. It's innocent – just her solo against a wall; not with another dude or highly sexualized in any way – but she looked incredible in a black dress and perfect smile. It set me back but I'm pleased to report I haven't cracked or contacted her.

 

I went on the date with the new gal last night and it was amazing. I enjoyed, and needed, the distraction especially after the whinge I had seeing my exs new display pic (even just a mini version of it). My advice? I wish I had some other than the tired "time heals all wounds" cliche. I'm seeing a counselor about my troubling pattern in relationships and why I can't get over this one, and I suggest you do the same if you have the means. In the meantime, I'll be following this thread closely.

 

How long ago was the breakup with that ex on Instagram? And how long was our relationship?

[haileym]

I'm so sorry. If it's any kind of consolation, it takes a special kind of person to leave a 3.5-year relationship for someone they've known for 10 days. And by special, I mean not the kind of person who deserves your lifelong love and commitment. That's not in any way to undermine what you two have, obviously she must be important to you if you're still feeling this way for her, but what she did wasn't great. And it's okay to look back on it and realize that it wasn't great. Honestly, my thoughts are with you because these situations are so painful. I also believe that you're justified in your pain. You're not stalking your ex or being consumed by her, she reached out to you and naturally you noticed the photo and it upset you. Unless it makes you feel better, then maybe don't block her. People have suggested to me that I should block and delete my ex on everything, but it never seemed like the right move for me to heal. You know you best, and it sounds like you've been doing all the right things to try and move on with your life.

 

I guess with these things there isn't any immediate fix. The things that have helped me the most through this have been reading and watching videos about the things that I have questions on regarding my breakup. Since I can't go to my ex and ask "Is there a chance you'll ever come back to me?" or "Will no contact give me the highest probable chance of getting you to be in my life again?" etc., other materials and resources have really helped to quiet my mind and bring me a little bit of peace during my hardest moments.

 

That being said, not everything you hear on the internet is true! Some people on YouTube who talk about relationships make me feel better, and some are just completely full of tactics and mind games which I'm not into (and I don't think my ex would be either - haha). So look around on there, lots of "relationship experts" have videos that can bring some comfort and help you to adjust your mindset. Just be mindful that not all advice is good advice, so you'd have to shop around for an account that you feel is the best and most helpful to you. I can always suggest some if you'd like! There's one, in particular, that's made me feel the most at peace, and then random other little ones that basically tell me what I want to hear when I'm very very upset - haha

 

On another note, I've been reading a book called "It's Called a Breakup Because It's Broken" and I've really enjoyed it. It's pretty cheap, I just got it on my iPhone, and the whole tone of the book is funny and upbeat but still offers TONS of helpful advice on how to change your mindset. It's been serving as another distraction for me, I find I have less of an urge to text and think of my ex when I'm reading and trying to better myself (hopefully for her return). This book doesn't offer much in the way of getting back together, but it's more on switching your mindset to see the realities of the breakup. It sounds scary, but trust me, it's not. I've really enjoyed it.

[loip9114]

That being said, not everything you hear on the internet is true! Some people on YouTube who talk about relationships make me feel better, and some are just completely full of tactics and mind games which I'm not into (and I don't think my ex would be either - haha). So look around on there, lots of "relationship experts" have videos that can bring some comfort and help you to adjust your mindset. Just be mindful that not all advice is good advice, so you'd have to shop around for an account that you feel is the best and most helpful to you. I can always suggest some if you'd like! There's one, in particular, that's made me feel the most at peace, and then random other little ones that basically tell me what I want to hear when I'm very very upset - haha

 

On another note, I've been reading a book called "It's Called a Breakup Because It's Broken" and I've really enjoyed it. It's pretty cheap, I just got it on my iPhone, and the whole tone of the book is funny and upbeat but still offers TONS of helpful advice on how to change your mindset. It's been serving as another distraction for me, I find I have less of an urge to text and think of my ex when I'm reading and trying to better myself (hopefully for her return). This book doesn't offer much in the way of getting back together, but it's more on switching your mindset to see the realities of the breakup. It sounds scary, but trust me, it's not. I've really enjoyed it.

 

Definitely agree with this, some of these 'tactics' actually make you scared and anxious. With statements like 'If you go no contact for 30 days, They WILL reach out to you!' well guess what I am at day 50 and haven't heard anything. Panic attack!!! Or 'You have to wait for them to start missing you, but after that phase comes the moving on phase and you are too late! So decide when to act!' uhm what what what?! aaaah. Stuff like that. It just f*cks with your mind at that point. So definitely watch out there sometimes they say something which just triggers this massive flow of anxiety, with the high possibility of you f*cking up all the progress that you made. Same for me, if you want anything pm me, I will tell you some of the guides/things that really helped me.

 

As for that book, I might look into that myself as well. Sounds funny, and also really good advice. One of the best advices I think is that you have to work on yourself during this time. If you want your ex back that is the best way to go, and if you do not win her back. Well than you have atleast improved yourself right?! You cannot lose, because frankly you already lost your ex. You can only gain a new relationship at this point. We cannot become even more single than we already are

[haileym]

Yes! I'm always so worried about my "window of opportunity" closing. It's hard for me to remember, but if my ex loves me and someday wants me back then she will. Or, she'll be more open to my contacting her when I feel like the dust has settled. No amount of tactics or manipulation will bring her back, and I don't want it to. I want it to be because she sees I'm changing for the better and wants to be with me! Besides, exes are smarter than we sometimes give them credit for and they can probably see right through the texts we thought were sneaky and attractive

 

I feel like breakups and make ups are so delicate, and even the smallest thing can set you back. It's honestly really scary. I've just been trying to do as much research (specific to my personal situation) as I can to improve my chances. At the very least, whether I get my ex back or not, I don't want to make a fool out of myself. Emotions and love can make you do crazy things...very, very, very crazy things, haha. Reading up on it is helping me to not look like a desperate loser, hopefully.

 

Definitely look into it! If you happen to have an iPhone, I think you can preview a chapter or something for free before you buy it. It's kind of like a TV show, though, where it gets better once you actually read more of it! I totally agree with what you're saying about bettering yourself and if in the beginning, your ex is your motivation to do better, then that's fine! It's better than sleeping all day and not showering for a week. I think after time though, it should start to form into you doing it for YOU.

 

From what I've read, getting back together rarely happens if you don't improve for yourself. The truth is, your ex broke up with you for a reason. You need to change these reasons and make yourself a better and more positive person. Otherwise, they broke up with you and will never go back to the exact same person they left behind. It just doesn't make any sense.

[loip9114]

Yes! I'm always so worried about my "window of opportunity" closing. It's hard for me to remember, but if my ex loves me and someday wants me back then she will. Or, she'll be more open to my contacting her when I feel like the dust has settled. No amount of tactics or manipulation will bring her back, and I don't want it to. I want it to be because she sees I'm changing for the better and wants to be with me! Besides, exes are smarter than we sometimes give them credit for and they can probably see right through the texts we thought were sneaky and attractive

 

I feel like breakups and make ups are so delicate, and even the smallest thing can set you back. It's honestly really scary. I've just been trying to do as much research (specific to my personal situation) as I can to improve my chances. At the very least, whether I get my ex back or not, I don't want to make a fool out of myself. Emotions and love can make you do crazy things...very, very, very crazy things, haha. Reading up on it is helping me to not look like a desperate loser, hopefully.

 

Definitely look into it! If you happen to have an iPhone, I think you can preview a chapter or something for free before you buy it. It's kind of like a TV show, though, where it gets better once you actually read more of it! I totally agree with what you're saying about bettering yourself and if in the beginning, your ex is your motivation to do better, then that's fine! It's better than sleeping all day and not showering for a week. I think after time though, it should start to form into you doing it for YOU.

 

From what I've read, getting back together rarely happens if you don't improve for yourself. The truth is, your ex broke up with you for a reason. You need to change these reasons and make yourself a better and more positive person. Otherwise, they broke up with you and will never go back to the exact same person they left behind. It just doesn't make any sense.

 

Hehe, I am also very worried. But yes, if my ex loves me as well she'll reach out to me and she's definitely a smart one. Otherwise we wouldn't have had a relationship, I would have gotten bored. As to how it will happen, those texts won't work. Because it will not be in my character, she would know. That is not me, she would sooner expect me to send some weird a** picture than those strange texts.

 

I feel the same, therefore I will approach it as if you approach somebody new. But to be able to do that, you need to be able to be rejected. And if I want to reach that point, I must first get fully healed.

 

Totally agree, using the breakup as fuel at first is all fine and good. But eventually it must be you. That's where I am now. I've stopped comparing to what I believe my ex would do or what she'd want me to do.

 

Also read that, and even worse. Even if it does happen, it will most likely fail if you haven't changed. You need to be a better and more positive person, and also you need to gain back that initial attraction they had to you. And yeah, going back to the person they broke up with, does not make sense at all.

[Tomthumb88]

There is no window and "moving on" isn't some magical barrier things can never return from. I try to remember two points: 1) if what we had was really special it will return but there is nothing I can do to force it 2) I have value and I'm not going to degrade myself trying schemes and tricks

Assuming your ex knows how you feel the ball is in her court and you can't control her. You can, however, grow and expand and live and enjoy life. Doing these things for you will have a side effect of making yourself more attractive as well

[loip9114]

There is no window and "moving on" isn't some magical barrier things can never return from. I try to remember two points: 1) if what we had was really special it will return but there is nothing I can do to force it 2) I have value and I'm not going to degrade myself trying schemes and tricks

Assuming your ex knows how you feel the ball is in her court and you can't control her. You can, however, grow and expand and live and enjoy life. Doing these things for you will have a side effect of making yourself more attractive as well

 

Aye, completely agree. I even start to believe more and more that when you've 'moved on', you might actually get a better relationship from it. because 1) You do not have the old relationship tying you down 2) The problems of those relationship might have been solved 3) You've found each other again and fell in love again, that must count for something right. 4) You've both learned from the experience.

 

I despise those schemes and tricks, and in my eyes those people are chipping in on vulnerable people. Kind of sickening to me.