Am I over-reacting?

[EmD5024]

My boyfriend and I have been together 5 years and he has recently moved down to live with me. Recently, we seem to be drifting apart and I hate it. I want to be with him and want to make it work but I feel like he doesn't want the same.

I have a big day in work on Monday, probably the biggest day of my career and so wanted to spend this weekend with my boyfriend to chill out and take my mind off it, which we did have planned. However, he then turned round last minute and said that he was going to go home this weekend as it is his grandads birthday on Monday. He knew that it was his grandads birthday well before making plans with me and had not mentioned that he was going to want to see him. I explained to my boyfriend that I was upset about this as i am so nervous about Monday and wanted him round this weekend. My boyfriend then agreed that he would come home on Sunday night so that he could be there for me as he knew how nervous I was for work. However, I received a text from him before saying that he was going to be staying at home tonight as well so I won't see him until I come home from work tomorrow. I am really angry and upset that he would do this, knowing how I feel about the whole situation in the first place. I don't know how to handle the situation and part of me thinks maybe I am overreacting? Can someone please shed some light on this and any advice as to how to handle the situation would be much appreciated, thank you.

[MissCanuck]

I think the bigger problem is that you feel you two are growing apart. Can you elaborate? What has happened since he moved in?

 

I can certainly understand him wanting to celebrate his birthday with his grandfather, and feel him offering to come home and spend Sunday night with you was a fair compromise. Now that he has scratched that idea too, I also understand you feeling upset and disappointed. But I think this is might be a symptom of the larger issue in the relationship, drifting apart.

 

Did you let him know you feel let down?

[Batya33]

I would need to know more about why you need your boyfriend with you as far as what's happening on Monday - perhaps a more objective view of the balancing of it is in order. It's not like you two had specific plans to do an activity -you just wanted his physical presence for support for something going on at work?

[EmD5024]

We are living with my parents to save money but my boyfriend has told me he is not happy being here. He wants to move out and rent which I have told him I'm ok with him doing, it would just mean waiting a bit longer to buy our own house, so I feel that has a lot to do with it. I also recently found out that he had feelings for another girl who came in to his work. Although this never escalated anywhere and he now assures me that he does not have these feelings, I do feel like this has also had a big impact on our relationship. I have tried to tell him how I feel, and he says "sorry" but does not really do anything else? I just feel like he's always just saying sorry but not actually showing me he is sorry. But the idea of us breaking up just kills me. I know in the past when we have had disagreements we've been able to talk it through and come out stronger. But this time feels different, like he does not really care to make it work?

[EmD5024]

Yes i suppose it is more his physical presence for support. We did have specific plans for the weekend which is why i was upset why he was going home. He knew it was his grandads birthday but was not that bothered about going up to see him from what it seemed.. I completely understand that he wants to see his family and would not stop him from doing so but to do it on a weekend that was important to me is what upsets me I guess.

[Batya33]

I would think it would be stressful to move and then move in with someone's parents as an adult. Is it possible he feels that you asked him to spend time with you this weekend to de-stress more as a test to see if he would?

Whose idea is it to buy a house together? Would this be before you are married and are there plans to marry?

[ThatwasThen]

Has the five years, up until just recently, been long distance for the two of you? You say he "recently moved down to live with you."

 

While I wait for you to reply, I will say that he looks a lot like your boyfriend is just telling you what you want to hear so that he doesn't have to argue with you ad nauseum about why he doesn't want to hold your hand until you go to work on Monday which would cause him to miss his grandfather's birthday.

 

He moved his life to be with you and from where I'm sitting, it's understandable that he would want to be with his family to celebrate his grandfather's day. Too bad he just didn't present it to you that way rather then just tell you what you wanted to hear... (or so it seems)

 

There is a compromise in this situation: Why didn't you just go with him for the weekend which would have given you your time with him and would have also kept your mind off of your anxiety (so you say) since he was with you.

[LaHermes]

Em.

 

"But this time feels different, like he does not really care to make it work?"

 

From what you say in your posts EM, this isn't sounding hopeful.....

 

"I want to be with him and want to make it work but I feel like he doesn't want the same. "

 

Making a relationship work is a joint effort, Em.

 

I fear that the grand-dad's birthday and your BF's presence or absence thereat is merely a symptom of the underlying issue. Drifting apart.

[EmD5024]

No not at all. He knows that I am nervous for tomorrow and knows that having him round would have helped me. I was fine with him going as he had said he would come back tonight. He said this multiple times actually and would say that he would come home because he knows how important it is to me. But then I just got a text today telling me that he was not going to be coming home tonight. He did not even say when he would be home to be honest and did not apologise or anything.

It is a joint decision to buy a house, something that we have talked about a lot this past year or so. This would be before we are married but again, marriage is something that we both want and have both talked about.

[Batya33]

Has the five years, up until just recently, been long distance for the two of you? You say he "recently moved down to live with you."

 

While I wait for you to reply, I will say that he looks a lot like your boyfriend is just telling you what you want to hear so that he doesn't have to argue with you ad nauseum about why he doesn't want to hold your hand until you go to work on Monday which would cause him to miss his grandfather's birthday.

 

He moved his life to be with you and from where I'm sitting, it's understandable that he would want to be with his family to celebrate his grandfather's day. Too bad he just didn't present it to you that way rather then just tell you what you wanted to hear... (or so it seems)

 

There is a compromise in this situation: Why didn't you just go with him for the weekend which would have given you your time with him and would have also kept your mind off of your anxiety (so you say) since he was with you.

 

I was going to ask that but assumed that she didn't want to get back late Sunday night given her big day at work on Monday.

I do think if this is a long term relationship you might want to decrease the hand-holding you need. I felt I needed this from my husband about a year ago for my first day back to work after being out of the work force for 7.5 years - but, he had to go out of town and I had to deal with the stress of our son just having gotten over an illness and it being unclear whether he could go to school that day (and no family support or similar in case he couldn't go to school). My husband actually didn't really relate to why this was such an important day since it was "just" orientation. But you know, he had his business trip, children get sick and sometimes you just have to shore up as much inner strength as you can and pray a little. It all worked out and I feel I was stronger for having had to go through this on my own. Show your boyfriend that you are resilient and independent as much as humanly possible. He will thank you for it.

[j.man]

I'll likewise wait for elaboration before I make any stiff declarations, but I'm wondering if this apparently needing him around before your big day tomorrow isn't indicative of a more general dependence on him. Between that and moving in with you and your family, I'm betting the guy jumped at the opportunity to have his own getaway, and grandpa's birthday sounds as fair an excuse as any.

 

What makes this day at work so big, anyhow? My lady has a lot of "big days." Submitting her first journal article, starting her residency, finishing her residency, taking her boards, first day as a clinician, etc. Not once has she made me responsible for her readiness for any of it. And for my part I could never see myself asking her to sacrifice a family occasion to placate my inability to settle my own nerves.

 

But, again, I'm seeing a larger context to this.

[Batya33]

No not at all. He knows that I am nervous for tomorrow and knows that having him round would have helped me. I was fine with him going as he had said he would come back tonight. He said this multiple times actually and would say that he would come home because he knows how important it is to me. But then I just got a text today telling me that he was not going to be coming home tonight. He did not even say when he would be home to be honest and did not apologise or anything.

It is a joint decision to buy a house, something that we have talked about a lot this past year or so. This would be before we are married but again, marriage is something that we both want and have both talked about.

 

So can he talk to you on the phone? I understand that you need some support but since you don't have a specific plan where you bought tickets or planned with other people I'd cut him slack so he can be there for his grandparents. It was kind of jerky for him to cancel coming home in the way that he did.

 

I would not buy a house jointly with this person prior to marriage.

[EmD5024]

ThatwasThen,

 

We got together at university. When we left uni, I lived with him and his parents for a while and we both made the decision to move down to where I live. Yes, I do see your point as it is for his grandads birthday but just wish that he had thought about me a bit more when making these new plans.

And I suppose I could have asked to go up with him, but to be honest, I do not think he wanted me to go up anyway as he had made plans today to watch the football with his dad and cousin.

[ThatwasThen]

Have you called him and asked him when he will be coming home? I'm getting the impression that you two have very poor communication skills and a lack of initiative.

[EmD5024]

I was going to ask that but assumed that she didn't want to get back late Sunday night given her big day at work on Monday.

I do think if this is a long term relationship you might want to decrease the hand-holding you need. I felt I needed this from my husband about a year ago for my first day back to work after being out of the work force for 7.5 years - but, he had to go out of town and I had to deal with the stress of our son just having gotten over an illness and it being unclear whether he could go to school that day (and no family support or similar in case he couldn't go to school). My husband actually didn't really relate to why this was such an important day since it was "just" orientation. But you know, he had his business trip, children get sick and sometimes you just have to shore up as much inner strength as you can and pray a little. It all worked out and I feel I was stronger for having had to go through this on my own. Show your boyfriend that you are resilient and independent as much as humanly possible. He will thank you for it.

 

Hmm this has made me see it a little differently so thank you. I know I can work myself up over little things and guess that as my boyfriend has always been there for me during these times, the time he is not makes it seem like much more of a big deal than it actually is.

[LaHermes]

Precisely, JMan.

 

"But, again, I'm seeing a larger context to this."

[EmD5024]

I would think it would be stressful to move and then move in with someone's parents as an adult. Is it possible he feels that you asked him to spend time with you this weekend to de-stress more as a test to see if he would?

Whose idea is it to buy a house together? Would this be before you are married and are there plans to marry?

 

So can he talk to you on the phone? I understand that you need some support but since you don't have a specific plan where you bought tickets or planned with other people I'd cut him slack so he can be there for his grandparents. It was kind of jerky for him to cancel coming home in the way that he did.

 

I would not buy a house jointly with this person prior to marriage.

 

Yes I do see your point so thank you. I have text him to ask him as I know he wouldn't answer my call if he is with his family. I am still waiting for him to text though but again, understand that he is with his family and so I might not get this reply as quickly as I had hoped.

[Hollyj]

I'll likewise wait for elaboration before I make any stiff declarations, but I'm wondering if this apparently needing him around before your big day tomorrow isn't indicative of a more general dependence on him. Between that and moving in with you and your family, I'm betting the guy jumped at the opportunity to have his own getaway, and grandpa's birthday sounds as fair an excuse as any.

 

What makes this day at work so big, anyhow? My lady has a lot of "big days." Submitting her first journal article, starting her residency, finishing her residency, taking her boards, first day as a clinician, etc. Not once has she made me responsible for her readiness for any of it. And for my part I could never see myself asking her to sacrifice a family occasion to placate my inability to settle my own nerves.

 

But, again, I'm seeing a larger context to this.

 

I agree. Why does ne have to be there to hold your hand?

 

Why don't you hang out with friends, or do something with your parents? You are coming off very needy.

 

I do think that you need to address a bigger picture: other girl, pulling away, and him not following through on his word - the last would have gotten me, if it is a habit.

[EmD5024]

I see your point and would never have stopped him from going, I guess its more the fact that he said he would be here for me tonight and then decided that he was not going to come home. But from reading replies i do understand that I am being a bit over-dramatic with the whole thing and know that him being here or not being here is not going to change the fact that i am still nervous for tomorrow. I am a trainee therapist and start treating patients tomorrow which is the reason i'm nervous.

[Hollyj]

Get out and have fun with friends.

[MissCanuck]

As I suspected, there are much bigger problems between you two than just this one weekend.

 

I can understand him not wanting to live with your parents. Even if they're great and everyone gets along, it can be quite stifling. I would not like that scenario either, and I would absolutely be looking for a place to rent as well. His desire to get away for a couple nights is becoming much more understandable. It doesn't necessarily mean he wants to get away from you, but he needs his space too.

 

However, you also mentioned he'd developed feelings for someone else. Who was this girl, and what his relationship to her? How did you discover this? I think you're likely still hurt over this (understandably) and this also provides context to your irritations about this weekend.

[Batya33]

I see your point and would never have stopped him from going, I guess its more the fact that he said he would be here for me tonight and then decided that he was not going to come home. But from reading replies i do understand that I am being a bit over-dramatic with the whole thing and know that him being here or not being here is not going to change the fact that i am still nervous for tomorrow. I am a trainee therapist and start treating patients tomorrow which is the reason i'm nervous.

 

Yes -you can be nervous - understandable - and you can handle your nervousness without him physically there -and, in fact, it's a skill and a habit you have to undertake so that the times you need someone physically there are very rare. It really will make you stronger and I speak from experience. Also spread the love - turn to friends for support too -and spread it out so you're not relying too much on one friend. You're going to do great tomorrow.

[LaHermes]

Em:

 

"I am a trainee therapist and start treating patients tomorrow which is the reason i'm nervous."

 

Good luck. It will go fine for you.

 

I expect that as a trainee you will have a supervisor(s) with you.

[HeartGoesOn]

I also recently found out that he had feelings for another girl who came in to his work. Although this never escalated anywhere and he now assures me that he does not have these feelings, I do feel like this has also had a big impact on our relationship.

^

I think the (above) incident says a lot about where this relationship is heading, (imo). I could be wrong, but my guess is you're much more invested in this than he is. Also, I'm sure he's uncomfortable living with you in your parents home, which has a tendency to lead to invading their space, etc.

 

At any rate, and I'm sure this is not what you want to hear, but I'd trust my intuition and pay close attention to the red flags.