What is considered cheating??

[beckkkk]

OK I will try to make this short. I know in my mind what I believe but will be nice to see input from others. This is all very new for me..only found out 3 days ago so bear with me.

My husband travels for his work. I have had suspicions that things weren't right for a while. Some trips he would rarely call home. This last one he was out of the country for over 1 week. When he got home I was looking thru his receipts to find our bank statement and came accross 2 women's names, numbers(cell and home), and email addy's. I then went to the computer and logged into his work email(ok I was mad!). There I found at least 5 emails between him and one of the women. There were things such as...they kissed, went out for drinks, said things such as "I miss you", "wish you could come with me", etc. There were mentionings of phone calls to her while he was there, asking for her home #, telling her he'd write everyday. I FLIPPED! I confronted him, he denied, said it was the guy he was traveling with that was emailing her(just so happens they have the same 1st name, lucky me). I know they do use 1 email acct when away...whoever logs on 1st, everyone uses that one cause it is $$$. But that's not saying I believe him.

 

OK, anyway, of course I have my doubts. Yes he lied to me about this. I asked if he did anything fun on his trip. He replied that all he had time for was work. I asked this AFTER I knew he had went out. He was caught in a huge lie. He finally admitted to obtaining her contact info, and yes going out to dinner/drinks w/her and the friend who has the same name(he called her and invited her). He said that was all and claims that he made a mistake.

 

I have no trust now. I feel so deceived. Do you consider this infidelity? Would you believe they were not his emails? How can one get past the feelings after this? Can you ever trust someone again...especially since I know he will continue to travel? I almost feel like...man they didn't have sex I should be happy. But of course I am hurt. I am just so confused.

[XDontSayGoodNight]

it sounds like hes cheating...im sorry but thats just me....

[justsweetgirl]

If the woman was talking to your husband's friend who happens to share his name and email account, why did your husband have her number and email among his receipts? Also, this doesn't explain the second woman's phone number and email address. If a man will cheat, he will think nothing of lying. I think you are being had.

[Day_Walker]

I dont think defining infidelity is going to help you get through this. It would seem that your husband was dishonest with you and now you are having a hard time trusting him again. Given the situation that seems pretty normal. There has to be some sort of communication between you and your husband concerning this issue, in order for you to establish the trust that you once had. I believe you also need to ask yourself if you want to keep putting yourself in this situation where you are going to have doubts about his fidelity. These are all things you need to think about and come up with your own answers.

[someguy69]

Technically if you're doing something that you are hiding from your partner (other than something like say planning a surprise party, or what you got them for their birthday), you are being deceitful.

 

If you can't tell your partner what you're doing, then you're not being honest and truthful.

 

Going on shopping sprees racking up the credit card, or binging on Ben and Jerry's can also be deceitful and upsetting to your partner.

 

Technicalities about specifics of cheating -- i.e. "eatin' ain't cheatin'", or "drunk or out of town doesn't count" or "it was just a kiss" really don't make it any less deceitful... it's just a degree of how offensive.

 

Everything is a spectrum.

 

Finding your husband sleeping with your best friend in your matrimonial bed may seem worse than if your husband was at war for six months and had a sexual encounter with someone you don't know.

[cleverme123]

Yes he absolutely positively sounds suspicious and any one that cheats or denies something or gets mad about it usually has something to hide. Now me being me I would be in there seeing if it goes on from the point you confronted him. I too had this problem and husband denied it said he did things for friends of his, even that emails I saw with my own eyes didnt exist!!! Be careful.

[tiger_lilies]

One thing I've learned from cheaters is that they DENY, DENY, DENY!

It's like a secret code amoungst cheaters.

 

Of course I would advise you keep your eyes and ears open from now on...but in doing that, it proves that the trust is no longer there. Better be smart about this rather than sweep the problem under the rug.

 

Try not to accuse your hubby about anything new. Instead, keep your mouth shut and be on guard with any new evidence. Perhaps you need proof to get him to admit to any wrong doings.

Otherwise, he will continue to deny everything.

 

But at the same time, if he's innocent and his story is true, then accusing him will not help unless he is really good about proving to you that he's been faithful the entire time.

[Vanilla]

Have you noticed a change in his attitude? Maybe tending to your needs more than ever or trying to find flaws in you and blame you for things?

 

Cheaters' conscience can go two ways. They can either feel so awful for what they did they try to make it up to you by being overtly nice or loving, buying presents out of nowhere, etc., or their conscience is so dirty that if they try to blame you for things then they in their sick little minds justify that their cheating is ok because you're not fullfilling his/her needs.

 

In your case from what you write I smell cheating. Id also be even more pissed that it wasnt just a one night stand. The fact that there's "I miss you's" in there shows that theres more than just sex. Sex is bad enough. Feelings involved is just extra BAD.

 

I think you coming here and asking for what defines infidelity is kind of like your last try in hoping that what he is doing isnt cheating. I'm sorry but he is cheating there is no going around that or making it any nicer or smoother.

 

Who do you love more? Him or you? Because if it is him you'll buy into his lies, but if its YOU you love more, then I think you know what to do.

 

We'll be here if you need us.

[nikki19]

From what you've said, my opinion would be that at the very least he is lying to you, and that he has probably cheated. I know that thought is crushing and you want to believe him but I think you know in your heart what your instincts are telling you. Instincts are usually right. He's your husband and you know him best.

When you question him he is vague about his activities or he lies, so if you confront him he'll just turn angry and deny deny deny.

If I were you I would probably get informed. Get to know his co-workers. Meet this friend of his with the same name, ask him how he enjoyed the business trip. Take the initiative and invite them over to your place. Cheerlily introduce yourself to the suspect women, guage their reaction when you say "Hi, I'm so-and-so's wife, nice to meet you". Show up at his work, get a feel for what's going on. All very innocently of course, like you just dropped by to say hi to your sweetie. If possible, suggest going with him on his next business trip just for a getaway, see what his reaction is. If you do those kinds of things and he acts nervous or uncomfortable, that's a big red flag. Ideally a loving husband should be happy if his wife drops by occasionally to say hi or to go out for lunch, and proudly introduce her around the office. Once you know the facts you can decide what you want to do. Without an admission from him or some proof, he'll keeping deceiving you.