Marriage Survey

[someguy69]

I have a few important marriage questions, I'd like to see some opinions from both the men and ladies, and please feel free to elaborate.

 

1. Should the woman have the right to have the wedding exactly as she wants it? It seems to be of common opinion that the wedding is "her day", and the woman should get to decide how it should be (and the man just saying, "yes dear, sounds lovely").

 

2. Should the wedding ceremony be according to the woman's religious beliefs? Say you have a Christian woman marrying an agnostic man (or Hindu, Buddhist, Native American, Wiccan, or Shamanism), should the man participate in a ceremony not quite according to his belief system just to please the woman and her family?

 

3. What is a realistic, acceptable relationship timeline? From first meeting, to going steady, to the promise ring, to the engagement ring, to the wedding, what sort of timeline is recommended?

 

Thanks

[passions1]

1. Yes, but if the man has some reasonable opinions, then he should voice them to see if some compromises can be made. Especially if there is a strict budget.

2. Can go both ways, why not have both ceremonies involving both religions. However, if the man truly loves the woman there should be no problem in wanting to please your partner.

3.Usually based upon my friends who are engaged, they have been in a serious relationship for at least 2 yrs b4 getting married. Having the promise ring, that's debateable depending on the couple. I've had friends who in which the guy didn't believe in a promise ring as the 1st ring to give to a woman, that it should be the wedding ring instead.

[RayKay]

1. Should the woman have the right to have the wedding exactly as she wants it? It seems to be of common opinion that the wedding is "her day", and the woman should get to decide how it should be (and the man just saying, "yes dear, sounds lovely").

 

I think it should be mutually decided upon. If they have different ideas, there should be some compromises made. It is THEIR day, not HER day, though I know often the guy just opts to let her do whatever to make it easier. But I think if he gets involved it makes it more THEIR day which is important. If for example one wants a huge wedding, one wants to elope, maybe they can plan a modest wedding abroad, or elope and have a huge party.

 

2. Should the wedding ceremony be according to the woman's religious beliefs? Say you have a Christian woman marrying an agnostic man (or Hindu, Buddhist, Native American, Wiccan, or Shamanism), should the man participate in a ceremony not quite according to his belief system just to please the woman and her family

 

Again, should be mutual. You can borrow from both religions (or non religions) if necessary. For example, maybe if he agnostic they can still have the priest do a ceremony, but opt for a garden instead of a church or make the vows more personal rather than religious. You can add details of traditional religious customs without leaving out your spouse or their entire family's views at the same time.

 

3. What is a realistic, acceptable relationship timeline? From first meeting, to going steady, to the promise ring, to the engagement ring, to the wedding, what sort of timeline is recommended?

 

That will REALLY vary according to the people involved, the relationship itself, the age/maturity of the couples. Some people may take years to go through the whole "timeline" some will only take months. I think this is something that you cannot really apply as a general rule - when it feels right it is just right and the timeline does not matter to you as a couple as you are going to do what feels right to YOU. I don't believe promise rings are necessary though - I think that is like a "sort of engagement" as in I like you enough to go steady but not sure if forever yet. If it's right, do it right. For me, I know I would definitely marry the man I am with, but we have only been together 5 months - but given our prior experiences, our lifestyles, and just the knowledge and maturity we both have of what we have and where we are going I would have no problem doing so and would love to - though am in no rush of course Course we also decided to move in within a couple months, and did move in before 3 months were up. In other relationships I waited/would have waited at least a couple years before considering marriage. But when its right, it just is and you can't dispute it or build artificial timelines just BECAUSE you "should".

[Beec]

I think all of your questions require personal answers. My answers should not be and probably will not be your answers.

 

As for No. 1, I disagree. I think he should have some say. After all, he is also getting married for what will be hopefully the only time. I think his opinion matters too. Hopefully, I'll let you know because while i am not engaged I see it on the horizon. We will nto ever want to be married in the same geographic location. I have no objection to her favorite location, except it is tough to get to, and I would like my friends and family to be able to get there. I also would prefer something more casual, but on that I will probably defer to her. For me a cookout would be an acceptable reception. I doubt she feels the same.

 

As for No. 2, it depends on how strong each of you feel and who is picking up the tab. If her parents pay for everything, they will have a lot fo tehir wishes followed.

 

As for No. 3, when do you feel ready. And I might skip the "promise ring". If you are buying a ring, then buy THE ring.

[I_love_rain_hugs_and_you]

1. Should the woman have the right to have the wedding exactly as she wants it? It seems to be of common opinion that the wedding is "her day", and the woman should get to decide how it should be (and the man just saying, "yes dear, sounds lovely").

 

---NOOOO, of course not!!! A wedding is a day for both partners, and it is THEIR day, not her or his day.......Weddings need to be jointly planned and jointly agreed upon, and both partners (and thier extended family and friends) must be included.....

 

My ENglish teacher told me a story of her friend and how when her friend got married all the women in the family completely planned the wedding. THe girls father was very angry that he was banned from planning the wedding because he was a guy....so to get revenge, he walked by a car dealership one day, and on the whim, bought a car he liked, and brought it home...he told the family that if they were going to make important decisions without him, then he was going to make imporant (and expensive) decisions with out thier consent.....

 

2. Should the wedding ceremony be according to the woman's religious beliefs? Say you have a Christian woman marrying an agnostic man (or Hindu, Buddhist, Native American, Wiccan, or Shamanism), should the man participate in a ceremony not quite according to his belief system just to please the woman and her family?

 

----There should be a mix, but it is rare for people to marry people of a different religion, because most people are emotionally attached to thier religion and they believe that thier religion is the right religion...but thier should be a mix of cultures...

 

3. What is a realistic, acceptable relationship timeline? From first meeting, to going steady, to the promise ring, to the engagement ring, to the wedding, what sort of timeline is recommended?

 

---depends on the couple.......

[Day_Walker]

1. It may be considered "her day" but the truth is that a wedding is about two people, not just one.

 

2. Well typically if she has strong Christian beliefs then she wouldnt marry a non christian, and if she does thats an issue that isnt too important to her. Once again it has to be agreed on by both parties.

 

3. The shortest time that i feel is acceptable is 2 years of an actual relationship.

[Cecelius]

Man here, once married to a low maintenance woman.

 

I have a few important marriage questions, I'd like to see some opinions from both the men and ladies, and please feel free to elaborate.

 

1. Should the woman have the right to have the wedding exactly as she wants it? It seems to be of common opinion that the wedding is "her day", and the woman should get to decide how it should be (and the man just saying, "yes dear, sounds lovely").

 

Depends on who is paying for it, honestly. Since that traditionally falls on the woman's family, primarily her. She shouldn't be obnoxious and if he has desires he should voice them and be heard (since he's joining her family as much as she is joining his).

 

2. Should the wedding ceremony be according to the woman's religious beliefs? Say you have a Christian woman marrying an agnostic man (or Hindu, Buddhist, Native American, Wiccan, or Shamanism), should the man participate in a ceremony not quite according to his belief system just to please the woman and her family?

 

No. If you are effectively a guest at their offering of their daugher to you, they should be gracious within their means.

 

 

3. What is a realistic, acceptable relationship timeline? From first meeting, to going steady, to the promise ring, to the engagement ring, to the wedding, what sort of timeline is recommended?

 

If bride is at the time of meeting less than 23, AT LEAST 3 years of exclusive, sexually active dating prior to getting engaged. (She's too young and her personality hasn't settled in)

 

If Groom is less than 30 at any time, at least 5 years of above. (He's too young and his personality has settled in, and it's not usually marriage minded)

 

Lastly, at any age, in no event less than 2 (TWO) years of exclusive sexually active dating prior to engagement. (At least 2 audit cycles to check for mood swings, weight gain, boredom, etc.)

 

 

Of course, these are just my opinions

[shes2smart]

I'm here to skew your average.

 

1. The idea that it's "her day"....hmm. If you can't, as a couple, compromise on the wedding, how are you gonna compromise on the really important stuff? Never understood the rationale behind the big wedding. My mom made weddding cakes. Couldn't believe the amount of money people would lay out for what was, essentially, a party. Consequently, when I got married, it was me & him at the courthouse with $40 for the license and $20 for the minister and we went to lunch by ourselves afterwards. It was a good day.

 

2. Ah, religion...once again, if you can't come to a compromise on that issue for the wedding, how ya gonna handle it when it comes up after the wedding?

 

3. Here's where I throw off your average. I chatted online with my husband for about 3 weeks. Met him in person after that. He bought an engagement ring 3 days later and proposed one week after we first met. I said yes, and we were married a couple months later, about 6 weeks after my 38th birthday. That was 3 years ago and was by far one of the best decisions I've ever made in my life. This is my first and I intend it to be my only marriage.

 

As you may gather from the above responses, I've never been one to give much weight to other's opinions when it comes to my own life. To me, a marriage is something that is so uniquely personal, that it shouldn't be dictated by outside forces. What a wedding looks like and what form it takes should be a reflection of the couple getting married. If they are traditional, family-oriented people, then go for the church, the white gown, etc. But to go through all that when it's not an accurate reflection of who the two individuals are? No. To have the traditional wedding because one's parents/family/society expect it? No.

 

Neither I nor my husband are close to our families. It would've made absolutely no sense to include them in our ceremony. The people we consider our best friends are few in number and scattered accross the country. Had we asked them to, they would have made the effort to attend, but we didn't feel the need to intrude on them. Oh, we have plenty of aquaintences and people we socialize with, but real friends are few and far between. It made perfect sense that it was just he & I and the legally necessary parties there.

 

Incidentally, I didn't attend the big, formal ceremonies for my high school or college graduations, either. Significant, personal events should be celebrated in a unique, personal way IMO....not with crowds of people one barely knows or doesn't know at all.

[sweet_n_sexy]

okay ummmm......

(1.)no i dont think its her day i think thats totaly wrong it shouldnt be like that cause its his day toooo i meen if he only gets maried 1ce then its his big day to let him be happy as well

(2.) and the others im not sure what i think lol

[Meow18]

1. It's both of their days. They should both be planning it together. It's not just her day and shouldn't be considered that.

 

2. I think if the religions are different, then they need to talk about it together and decide how to do things. It shouldn't just be the girls way because she's the girl. If two people are planning on getting married, they should be able to discuss something like this and come to an agreement.

 

3. I don't think there is a limit. My friend's parents got married 6 weeks after meeting. They are happily married still. It doesn't always last, but even people who get married after 10 years of being together don't always last. If you feel you have something special, then no one can say its wrong to get married. Of course I think that you should feel like you know the person, and you should think about what you are getting yourself into before doing it. It's only smart.

[DN]

1. I think it is 'their' wedding - it is going to be 'their' marriage. Beware of a woman who is more concerned about the wedding than the marriage.

 

2. Best thing is to have a joint religious ceremony if possible. If not consider two ceremony and one reception.

 

3. Timeline: depends on the couple and the circumstances but anywhere from a year to two years (My parents were married within 6 weeks of meeting but that was wartime!!)

 

As a general note: negotiation and compromise is the best way to run a relationship and as equals - before and after the wedding.

[d346]

1&2:

To put it simply, it depends on who foots the bill. Traditionally a bride's family does this, and thereforeeee they're hosting the party. That would probably be the same for the religion...bride's family giving away their daughter, in their traditional church.

 

I will be getting married, and my parents are hosting the day, however I would personally never want to do anything that my fiance doesn't want or feel comfortable with. I want it to be his day too. We're dividing the guest list in half (I'll let him fight with his side of the family about his invites! -and me mine), we're not doing a religious ceremony -we both picked the day and the place. Personally, I think he's done, since although he's excited, we've nailed down a place and he's losing interest...(he doesn't care much about flowers etc) but I'm sure his interest will peak again when we have a tasting, menu selection, and to pick out what he wears... My parents have a few guidelines for the day -but nothing major...just your basic parental parents of the bride sort of thing.

 

however many couples fund their own weddings -and trust me, if I were the guy in that relationship, I wouldn't hand over the money witout any say in the day!

 

3. as for timeline -everyone is different. what I do know is that both have to be ready and in synch to really be happy. Timing is EVERYTHING.