Why am I still hurting over relationship? I hate myself.

[Pleasedonot5]

Hi All,

 

Long story short, I'm really struggling with my views of myself, and with getting over an ex. I'm 22. After a year together, we broke up almost two years ago now, though it feels like yesterday sometimes. I broke up with her for my own reasons and demons at the time (I was in a really bad place mentally and emotionally), though I tried to be honest, fair, and respectful of her the whole time. I know it really hurt her, as she was in love with me (and I her). Afterwards, she slept with a close friend and colleague of mine, and I felt betrayed. It was very vindictive (and you'll have to take my word for that). I struggled with that resentment for a long time, but I've since mostly gotten over it.

 

In retrospect, what upsets me more is that she was the best I had and still the best of those I've seen in the meantime. I recently broke it off with someone I had been seeing for over a year, and that relationship was fun but not what I ultimately want from a relationship or marriage. After breaking up with her, I felt sad, but for some reason I keep thinking back to my ex. I've started working on myself, diet, exercise, trying to be around friends more and go on casual dates, my career is going well and I'm probably top 10% of my peers in terms of individual financial security because I work so much, but for some reason I can't shake the feeling that I've peaked, I'm not as attractive as I used to be, I'm not good enough even to talk to.

 

None of that is true (I hope), but it doesn't stop my brain from going to dark places. "I'm not good enough. I screwed up by breaking it off. I'll never find someone as good as her, and if I do I'll screw it up so I'm not worth it. I'm not as attractive (losing hair), not as intelligent (feel clouded and dumb), people don't want to talk to me, and I have no secure friends (none that satisfy me, at least)" are all thoughts going through my brain. I'm not used to doubts like this, but maybe I've never screwed up this bad. What do I do? How do I heal? It's been so long, and I've never been hung up on someone else like this before for this long. 2 years. Holy cow.

 

My ex is now with another guy, and has been for longer than she and I were together. The new guy is cute, financially secure, etc. They'll get married, I'm sure. I think that bothers me less than the part where I consider myself worthless, having peaked already, and unable to find a relationship like that again. Looking for guidance on how to move past this. Please keep "yup, you screwed up" comments to yourself. I know I screwed up. I'm looking for legitimate advice on how to move past that and not hate my existence. Thanks, enotalone.

[Pleasedonot5]

Can someone please give me some advice? I would very much appreciate it

[Lightjocj]

Can someone please give me some advice? I would very much appreciate it

 

Well first off, I really don't think you peeked yet. In fact you have just begun. The fact that you have yourself together puts you in a pretty good spot I'd say. Most people struggle around that age ..you remind me a lot about myself in that area, granted I'm a bit older then you. But still I had it all going for me at a young age also. So as far as all that goes keep doing it. It will make things down the road that much easier. As far as your ex, well you did what you did. Of course your going to compare new people to an ex, it's not abnormal after a breakup for one of the partners to look at there ex and not think there even more attractive now, that there happier now, that there doing so much better then before, all that is normal think . But if you found a girl like that before why do you find it impossible to find another that might be even more compatable then your ex. There might be something more going on with why you feel like you do. I do think your doing all the right things as far as going out and meeting new people. Getting to know yourself though is always very important . I've have been broken up with my ex for over a year..(exs choice) and I still think about them now and again. My only advice is to keep working on yourself . Your already doing pretty good at such a young age, that's something to be proud of. You will find somebody that you click with again ..even more so. It's not a race, it may not happen when you want it to..but it will happen again .

[Pleasedonot5]

Lightjocj,

 

Thank you for your response. I appreciate the insight and mentioning that it's normal to go through some of the things I am going through. I am doing most of the right things career-wise, perhaps, and I'm going through the motions of healing, but I feel stuck (career and relationship). I don't know if it's just that 1) there's something in the air right now, or 2) something's seriously wrong with me. Like that I can't forgive myself for letting her go when she may be the best I'll find in life. I don't know why I cannot let this one go and just move on. I really want to move on and stop feeling this way.

 

I wish I was better at committing to long-term relationships, to holding onto long-term friends and groups, and etc. I need to find a way to fix that about me for the next relationship/friendships. I feel so isolated and stuck right now, and I wish I was better.

[nick66]

Peeked at 22? I'll tell you what I tell my older kids who are 18 and 24. My younger on'es are 15 and 13 so too early. You shouldn't even be worrying about a long term relationship or even marriage at this point in your life. You're 22, enjoy life! You'll meet the person you're meant to be with when you least expect it, and it will be purely by accident. You also don't sound like you're over your ex. If you were over her, you would have no idea what she was up to or who she was with. Go see a therapist if you need to, nothing wrong with that at all.

 

Again, you're 22, enjoy your life and have fun!

[Pleasedonot5]

I just feel like at this point, she's done so much better than me in terms of relationships, happiness, being over me. I shouldn't have left her. I've tried reaching out for closure (before she was in a relationship) and it has never gone the way I've hoped.

 

I've been fairly successful, multifaceted at a young age. It's a lot of pressure to continue. I was a college athlete, high grades, elected student president, now all of that is over. Now that I've graduated and I'm on to graduate school, I'm left here, no support system, lots of unresolved feelings, unsure of career path. Seeing her doing better than me, more attractive than me as if she's out of my league. S*** hurts man. I don't know how to get over that. 2 years of grieving and or trying to push her out. I just can't say the things I want to say, she's with someone now, and I'm not doing well. I will try to see a therapist.

[hrb23]

You broke up with her for a reason. Then you felt betrayed. Now you feel jealous. If you had of broken up with her and she had of just sat in a room for the last two years you'd probably be fine but you have to see her out there having a great life which hurts, obviously, more so when you're struggling. So you need to beat that struggle.

 

When you broke up with her what did you want to happen? I assume you wanted to work on yourself and improving your life. Well now you can, alone, is the best way to do that. I don't think you screwed up at all if that's what you wanted right from the start. It sounds like you still have a lot of work to do so you need to stop feeling sorry for yourself and start doing that work. You can help yourself here. It's hard, I know, you can do it though.

 

Good luck man

[Pleasedonot5]

hrb23,

 

Thank you for your post and words of wisdom. I needed to see that. I guess, I need to figure out a plan to be alright (no, not alright, thriving) in my own skin. If not competing with her, I'd like to at least compete with the darkness -- compete with this current version of myself.

 

Career

 

-stuck in an internship I do not like

-isolated from people my age

-how to get to where I want to be

 

Image

 

-been running, I should workout and get ripped

-grow my hair back (stop buzz cuts)

-other ideas?

 

Dependent/desperate for other people / friends

 

-how do I solve this? I feel so desperate for attention and affection. I guess that's normal since I'm going through a sort of break up now, and have nobody. Does this go away? Will I ever be happy alone?

 

Relationships

 

-how do I resolve my current relationship problems

-how do I attract the right women?

[hrb23]

Again, good luck.

[olympic reject]

Image

 

-been running, I should workout and get ripped

GOOD, you are doing great! you don't sound like you are obese or unattractive (not that there's anything wrong with it). You are way too young to be drowned over a failed relationship. Get fit and healthy. Healthy mind lives in healthy body! Set some goals; get ripped, to get that sexy V line, able to squat 100kg by end of Xmas, basically anything that will get your ass off of bed in the morning. Go to any local gym or even better; the park, who knows you can make friends with the same goal from there (male/female). Try not to focus too much on finding her replacement. Fix yourself and your mind first. Focus on YOU

 

-grow my hair back (stop buzz cuts)

-other ideas? maybe try the latest fashion trends (beards, fade, manbuns, etc, whatever it is that makes you feel and look better, that you are confident with)

 

 

Dependent/desperate for other people / friends

 

-how do I solve this? I feel so desperate for attention and affection. I guess that's normal since I'm going through a sort of break up now, and have nobody. Does this go away? Will I ever be happy alone?

Like I said earlier, focus on YOU. Yes it is normal to be desperate for attention and affection. Human feed on these. If you have any close friends, brothers/sisters or cousins or anybody that you could trust to vent on, do it. Talk about it. Don't be afraid to reach out. I wish for you that you will reach to that point where whenever something reminds you of her, you will be like, "meh, it's alright. Things didn't work out. I regret nothing because I learned a lot from that. It made me the great amazing person I am today".

Healing takes time. No matter how long or slow it is, you will get through it. Trust me my dear. I was once like you. Even worse! When I hit rock bottom, I almost took my life over some guy that clearly didn't deserve me. I never thought that I could get over him or live another minute knowing that he makes other girls happy. Put in your mind that in order for others to enjoy our companion, we should enjoy our own first. Then the right people will come to you.. Trust.me.

 

 

Relationships

 

-how do I resolve my current relationship problems

Just forget about her. Period. Hold on to the good energy, the good feelings, and let go of everything toxic. You CAN let go. You can get closure and move on. Moving on should never be about trying to find another person. You have lost, you have been broken and hurt. It should only be about trying to find yourself so you can put yourself back together. It is okay to think about your ex. Your ex is supposed to stay in your head. It's not even logical to think you can just "forget" about an ex. A lot of people believe that getting over someone means never thinking about a person, and that's unrealistic. It is perfectly normal to think about a person who you spent a significant amount of time with

 

 

 

-how do I attract the right women?

I believe I have answered it earlier. Be attractive, be confident, focus on being a better you instead of looking someone better than your ex. A better you will attract a better next. Believe in yourself, because I believe in you

[Pleasedonot5]

Thanks, hrb23. Wonderful advice. I'm printing that out and will be referring to that for sure.