Everything is good...except sex and financial future

[Moontiger]

It's been a long time since I've posted for advice in ENA. My life has stabilized a lot so, in a sense, I didn't need this community as much as I've needed it in previous years. I've finished my degree, have a long-term boyfriend (over 2 years), got a full-time job, moved to a city I like a lot more than were I was, and Boyfriend moved with me. On paper, my life looks pretty good and I feel it is 85% of the time.

 

For some background: Boyfriend is 36, I am 30. Neither of us picked careers that will make us rich but we both always pay our bills on time and live within our means. We agree on all the big stuff: religion, kids etc. We click, really, really well. I don't believe in soulmates but he and I are a particually good match for each other. Friends and stangers alike have commented on this. He has supported me though the hardest things I have ever gone through, including loosing a parent. And I have been the loving, understand girlfiend when his depression and anxiety crop up. I've struggled with similar issues so it's easy for me to understand where he is coming from when those issues come up.

 

He treats me with total dignity and respect. And, I love him. So, so, so much.

 

The Problems: There are two issues in our relationship, both the kind that often end a relationship (which is most definitely NOT where I want this to end up).

 

First, he has recently experienced what I strongly suspect are symptoms of ED. While we were doing what couple does, it stopped working half way through. He took it badly (how could he not?) and said some very dispariging things about himself. I assured him that 1) He has always satisifed me (which is true), and 2) We would figure this out. That we needed to get him into a doctor to check for any underlying issue, back into therapy in case it was connected to him mental health, and that they make pills for this so no matter what we got this! His response: "If I have to take pills for this I'm basically dead from the waist down."

 

Second, we have always been pretty open about our finance with each other. I know about all the debt he is carrying (student loans), and I have been open with the fact that my field does not make a lot of money. Well, after moving to the new city, I brough up saving for a permant place. We had had many long talks about being committed to each other and both seeing the relationship headed for either marriage or simply staying together into old age (Sidenote: I'm fine with either, for him, I could stay and not be married). Everytime I brought it up he acted a little weird. I figured it was because he had just moved and all the changes were overwhelming (he waited to find a job in this city before moving to be with me, so I was here months before him).

 

Today I learned that he does not much savings to speak of. You know how they say you should have 6 months to a year in the bank in case you loose you job? He doesn't and claimed that right now it is not possible to save that kind of money. This honestly concered me. I want a stable life one day. This is the man I want it with. But is it possible?

 

Perhaps I'm freaking out over nothing. Perhaps I'm letting the past haunt me (I ended a relationship in the past were the guy was 31, living off his parents, basically unemployed and we hand't had sex in 6 months). I just need some outside opinions on this.

[Kjkst]

You sound like you love him. Then you question his finances and ability to get it up. Both legit. Love is really hard to find. Even when you think you got it, it may not be so....if you really, really love him, these wouldn't matter. You'll work through them. You'll sacrifice. You won't care. As long as you're together, that's all that matters. Even if he weren't to get it up one more day....that's love

[DancingFool]

I think you need to step back and look at his finances objectively. If most of his debt is student loans and whatever it took to get through college, then it's not irresponsible kind of debt. If he is having to give his all to pay that stuff off, unfortunately, he won't have much in the way of savings for now. I do think that he takes his finances and employment seriously in that he wouldn't move until he had secured a job. So, he might be stretched thin, but he is not irresponsible about work, bills, etc.

 

As for ED.....I mean it happened one time??? Like....umm....that stuff happens for all kinds of reasons. What's making you suspect immediately that it must be ED? Unless there is more going on, it sounds to me like a major over reaction by both of you, which unfortunately can create this major psychological pressure to perform...which will actually prevent him from doing just that.

[Moontiger]

I think this has confirmed I've outgrown ENA.

[indea08]

I think that response was quite rude and condescending to the people who were trying to help you.

[Unreasonable]

Today I learned that he does not much savings to speak of. You know how they say you should have 6 months to a year in the bank in case you loose you job? He doesn't and claimed that right now it is not possible to save that kind of money.

Wow, if that's some hard and fast rule I'm totally screwed, lol. Somehow though, over 24 years, money has been the least of my issues.

 

I honestly don't know a whole lot of people that have more than a spare paycheck in the bank!

[thealchemist]

I think this has confirmed I've outgrown ENA.

Hard to get objective advice when it seems like you had an idea of what advice you already wanted to hear. They gave legitimate opinions and you were rude.